Men and Women are now equal
that's what i last read
unless there is to be a sequel
or its a passing fad

They do all that we can plus
they can do the splits
Separating both of us
are just our dangly bits

No longer women need their men
to be their care provider
Men's only purpose now is when
there's a dangling spider

it can't be fun being a nun
always wearing black
your body never seeing the sun
from a tanning deck

your bottom won't know how it feels
to wear a snug bikini
you'll never wear a pair of heels
a pencil skirt or mini

on the beach you'll never play
with your feet in the sand
no matter how hard you try to pray
your **** will not get tanned

it must be all a big mistake
but it's not done by God
why else would he a woman make
and not show off her ***

In the future we're all pretty
our bodies firm and tight
we're intelligent, smart and witty
and our teeth are white

Our dietary intakes
are measured to perfection
and we do not make mistakes
and like our own reflection

Our life's are lived in opulence
and no one smokes or drinks
and there is no more flatulence
which is why our future stinks

David was a nosy guy
who had to know it all
He had his finger in every pie
and an ear on every wall

His eyes had to also see
what everyone was doing
In two places he could be
at the same time others viewing

But one day David wrongly spied
on a girl called Lily
His sense of smell since that day died
and his nose looks silly

give me autumn in the spring
winter summer too
give me ambers gently swing
on a canvas blue

give me footpaths paved with gold
with an earthy smell
give me lights each every fold
a different story tell

give me lilies in a pond
by a willow tree
give me every day be dawned
like it's just for me

give me hands not in a rush
and a palette tray
give me colours with a brush
and eyes of Claude Monet

He died doing what he loved
when killed by a goat
who while hunting his gun shoved
deep inside his throat

then the goat pulled the trigger
and his guts exploded
while the goat began to snigger
and the gun reloaded

then it shot him in the head
right between the eyes
sometimes a hunting trip turns bad
and the hunter dies

We had a great connection
but it came with a twist
she liked to show me her affection
with her right hand fist

and she liked her cursing
with colourful forms of grammar
she often liked to be conversing
by spitting like a llama

but most of all she enjoyed
a swift form of reply
like all those times I her annoyed
and got a left black eye

I love playing trivia
gives me such a buzz
What's the capital of Bolivia
surely it's La Paz

sometimes i love to dabble
and games with words try
that's why i love scrabble
so please don't quizzify

but there's one game i love more
it's the game of life
I'm playing since turning 24
and you're still my wife

no more apples, no more pears
the first peaches have come in
give me fruit with lots of hairs
that's dribbling down my chin

give me nectarines and plums
with no tooth breaking crunch
no more sore and bleeding gums
after every munch

let your taste buds all be thrilled
before its all forgotten
soon my pantry will be filled
with apples all half rotten

Twinkle twinkle little star
how i wonder what you are

It's an exploding ball of mass
filled with putrid noxious gas

Emitting deadly radiation
and heat beyond imagination

with burst of massive solar flares
that quickly would burn all your hairs

so thank your stars you're from one far
for in a twinkle you'd be char

I'm growing hair on my nose
its a sizeable plantation
it is healthy and it grows
without needing irrigation

even in the dark it shows
with no illumination
and nobody really knows
how to stop its propagation

and i can't find no cessation
its growing stronger through the years
and with some form of pollination
now it's growing in my ears

yet on my forehead decimation
it's all so very strange
i guess it's no longer my imagination
but proof of climate change

my cat hates my brand new toy
i feel it in his glance
it's something he'd like to destroy
given half a chance

i see it in his stealthy walk
and hear it in his meow
i know if he could learn to talk
he would be swearing now

it used to be him on my lap
getting all attention
but now a constant tap tap tap
from some weird invention

I think he wants me to understand
who's still king of this house
when i found what blocked my toilet bend
was my missing wireless mouse

Puberty starts in your teens
unless of course you're Greek
Somehow it is in their genes
to start in their first week

By the time they're ten years old
it is almost done
There's no patch left that is bald
and eyebrows become one

and still there is no relaxing
it grows for worse or better
The women all continue waxing
and all men grow a sweater

and some grew hair like horses manes
with reputations great almighty
you might know a couple famous names
like Hairystotle and Hairphroditee

My world is still a little sadder
since you're no longer here
after climbing your starry ladder
way past the stratosphere

Then further out beyond the moon
and into the unknown
you left one morning much too soon
and to the darkness flown

but sometimes there's a shooting star
that flashes in the sky
so I know on those nights you are
still somewhere nearby

It’s nice being in our bed
While outside it is raining
On my chest your head
for once is not complaining

We are both snugly warm
Beneath our blankets napping
While outside there’s a fierce storm
That’s on our windows tapping

It feels like we are in heaven
Away from winter's harm
Then suddenly at 5.57
I’m thrown to hell by my alarm

Water equals life
they both go hand in hand
like a credit card and a wife
two best friends till the end

in my next life i don't want to be
an ant, a cockroach or a flea

i don't want to scamper, hop or walk
but fly up high just like a hawk

or maybe more just like a kite
so you can reel me in at night

and also from rain keep me dry
so tomorrow once more i can fly

and when by winds my spine is shattered
and my whole frame is bruised and battered

on that day you may cut me free
please God don't turn me to a flea

i bought a brand new car
with four shiny wheels
it's better than my last by far
and nothing in it squeals

it gets me now from A to B
without breaking down
and i can even get to C
or drive it into town

it's radio always plays on cue
and it comes with air
although my old car had air too
with windscreen in repair

but this car starts every time
when i turn the key
i dont get covered in some grime
and doesn't smell like ***

so this friday about five
i'll take my friends and we
are going for the longest drive
as far away as D

would you love me still
if i had two noses
i could blow them hard until
I'd split the sea like Moses

would you love me tender
if i had no pelvis
would you return me back to sender
or get me hips like Elvis

would our love become a dream
and would your love be gone
if i batted for the other team
just like Elton John

Neanderthal man does exist
he's been located not too far
across the road i saw him ******
at my local bar

he doesn't quite yet walk upright
he's often on all fours
he hasn't learned to be polite
or how to open doors

he has developed how to speak
but mostly they are grunts
he has learned well to use his ****
on all the nearby plants

there's Neanderthal woman too
and she is very loud
she uses that so she can woo
the right mate from a crowd

of them there is large commune
so I'll make a bold prediction
i don't think any time too soon
they're heading for extinction

he loved the mountains, she loved the ocean
but yet they got along
she loved it quiet, he loved commotion
they loved the same sad song

she loved to walk, he loved to run
they both loved staying fit
he loved the rain. she loved the sun
they loved to watch and sit

they loved to do the things together
alone they would have hated
love is surprising like the weather
and why meteorology is complicated

the best days lie ahead
waiting like an old friend
like a book yet to be read
like a gift that's still unopened

the best nights are yet to come
with a song not sung in ages
and your feet will dance to some
as the heart pens it's best pages

the best words are still unspoken
but they're waiting to come out
the best day waits to be awoken
with a loud i love you shout

Some girls have formed a rumour
I climbed out of a grave
and though i have a sense of humour
I belong in a cave

That babies look at me and stare
then begin to cry
One mother once fell off her chair
when i was walking by

Cats get scared and start to hiss
dogs begin to growl
I've seen drivers red lights miss
and police sirens howl

They said only a mother could
love a face like mine
maybe it's why she often would
drink massive loads of wine

So I don't know what you saw in me
on the day we met
but gosh we worked out beautifully
and I'm still ugly as a bat

There's one way to the moon
it's via a rocket ship
you'll get there pretty soon
a most expensive trip

but i might take my time
because i found another
I'll use some words and rhyme
and get there via a ladder

don't want a life that is a race
against the hands of time
but move more at a snails pace
comfortable in slime

don't want a life that's in a rush
with many twisting bends
but simple with a toilet flush
when my last day ends

don't want a life that's always mad
with every day so hectic
life stinks so slow it down a tad
with lots of antiseptic

Je ne cigarette rien

my poetry is simple
and very very silly
it often rhymes with pimple
and sometimes with a *****

its never complicated
but very very light
long words are overrated
and hard to read at night

it can be also curious
and very very weird
sometimes as mysterious
as my girlfriends beard

they say that life is short
that's very very true
so laugh until you start to snort
and be so very you

i used to wish
to be a fish
but now i have my doubts
what if i end up as a dish
next to brussel sprouts

i'd rather choose
to be a goose
and lay the golden egg
but on a plate who could refuse
egg pasta with my leg

i might have luck
being a duck
and fly free as a mallard
but that could also come unstuck
next to a beetroot salad

i think i can
just be a man
unless God has a wish
and he's cooked up a different plan
where i'm a great white's dish

i found there is this thing
its kind of like an extra wing

it helps me climb up off the ground
and gives me strength when none is found

then sometimes it feels like a sword
and helps me fight with every word

and on the days when i am weak
it becomes my walking stick

today though it became a pen
and helped me write out that i can

from this endless downward *****
climb once again,
with this thing called hope

My ocean is no longer blue
nor is it far and wide
and sea birds that above it flew
have disappeared and died

The sun has nowhere left to set
and moon no place to shimmer
there is no wind to steal my hat
and all the stars shine dimmer

The waves don't play for you and me
without our footprints in the sand
and when the sun kisses the sea
there's no touch of your hand

So while my eyes cannot see you
I'm sure of one thing then
my ocean never will be blue
until we meet again

i bought a lovely home
on a lovely street
the front yard has a gnome
the backyard looks a treat

I've met my neighbour too
who first seemed rather nice
but then he said he knew
i've paid too high a price

and so i realised
that i have dropped my anchor
buying a home well overpriced
next to a nosy ******

I've read my poems to my dog
he didn't even bark
his tail wagged when i read walk
and ran off to the park

I've read my poems to a drunk
a time that i regret
when i recoiled from how he stunk
he pinched a cigarette

I've read my poems at my confession
the priest then started snoring
and my psychologist at our weekly session
my words he found most worrying

I've read my poems while you slept
don't think you found them fun
my poems are best to myself kept
and they make my dog run

i'm showing early signs
that i'm getting older
i know things about wines
and winter's seem much colder

while summer's feel too hot
and longer home i sit
of chance there's not a lot
that in my jeans i'll fit

my head is losing hair
and ears are them growing
my forehead makes a glare
in photographs it's glowing

i hate it when it's sunny
or when it is raining
i'm complaining about money
and about money i'm complaining

and seems i'm never happy
and making fewer friends
since i started wearing a *****
for my urinary incontinence

i want to sleep for three months long
and then a little more
on a bed that's great and strong
and big enough for four

i wont set my alarm to six
i wont be hitting snooze
and for the whole of 13 weeks
I'll hear no morning news

nor will i hear those dumb birds sing
or see that stupid sun
and i will not hear my phone ring
till 90 days are done

so while i snore please feed my cat
and water all my flowers
sweet dreams, goodnight, my alarm is set
in 2160 hours

Love can cause us pain
and there's no medication
affects the heart and brain
and may cause constipation

It could make you drowsy
and lose all motivation
you might be feeling lousy
and need some stimulation

so i got you a gift
requiring refrigeration
there is no better lift
than a dose of intoxication

she has my juices flowing
and she makes me sweat
on my shirt its clearly showing
with both armpits wet

she has me agitated
with my eyelids twitching
both cheeks blood red activated
and the beard itching

she has me my words mumbling
and i keep on tripping
my hands are all things fumbling
and brain hemispheres flipping

she has me all at sea
while my heart skips a beat
there is a girl who's making me
brain dead with two left feet

Every day is Friday
when we are together
even if it's Monday
and nasty is the weather

I don't have to drink
my heart already sings
so much that i think
that i will soon grow wings

Then take off to the sky
into the stratosphere
Tomorrow to the stars we'll fly
with weekend almost here

It was on sale at half price
light blue with a slim fit
The suit felt tight but I looked nice
so quickly I bought it

I wore it almost every day
proudly with confidence
I even wore it to LA
for a week long conference

I strutted knowing I look best
one girl said I look cute
until I noticed she was also dressed
in the exact same ladies suit

day by day i'm more invisible
i see it at the shops
and a little less noticeable
even by the cops

more frequently i'm ignored
when i ask for assistance
i think the world is getting bored
of my here existence

perhaps i will soon be a ghost
i'm already getting grey
and be on a missing persons post
last seen in shops in May

Chicken soup is the cure
to bring you from the dead
one spoonful and suddenly you are
springing from your bed

it will reignite your soul
with each dribbling slurp
and when you're done you'll lick your bowl
then give a massive burp

it's probably silly and maybe dumb
but soup might have the answer
that it could even be your mum
who finds the cure for cancer

My first love wasn't for a girl
but i fell for a cloud
one that would to heavens curl
mighty strong and proud

and I loved every single type
from Cirrus through to Stratus
while Cumulonimbus took most of the hype
i even loved Mammatus

then all i ever wanted to do
was to learn more about the weather
but then I met a girl like you
and now we love these clouds together

my big toe says hello
proudly in charge wiggling
there's four more in a row
right beside him giggling

last in line is pinky
who's on the edges scraping
in my socks hates being stinky
keeps through a hole escaping

I've heard some say they smell
as do some fancy cheeses
but i have walked with them through hell
and on water just like Jesus

my husbands always eating
something always munching
when walking or when sitting
he's on some substance crunching

chocolates, lollies, nuts or chips
his mouth keeps salivating
there is something around his lips
like a cow he's masticating

meanwhile here is me
a tiny roll with cheese and ham
and on the bathroom scale i see
an extra kilogram

a very long time ago
a fish jumped from the sea
its fins to legs began to grow
and soon it climbed a tree

then a couple epochs later
i don't know exactly when
but some then started walking straighter
evolving into a man

but the theory of evolution
is not working all so well
as there is still a large distribution
of men who of fish smell

I'll write a song with simple words
for what I feel's a simple thing
There won't be any complex chords
my heart the only string

and maybe I'll sing out of tune
and also need two takes
but then again who's not immune
from making some mistakes

but one thing you might realise
is when I sing my song
You will hear these birds in the skies
all want to sing along

I'm no poet really
all i do is rhyme
writing poems silly
simple, short but I'm

trying to write longer
poems with more heart
so you think I'm stronger
and a bit more smart

but unfortunately I'll
never be that guy
though if i leave you with a smile
this poem's worth a try

a diamond or a carrot
only one can make me sing
might look silly if i wear it
but I don’t care much for bling

and it would be quite idiotic
if you asked me if its real
one of them looks more ******
and with greater *** appeal

so maybe diamonds are forever
but they're not a girl's best friend
my screams have been loudest ever
from a carrot in my hand

It was then on a winters day
I climbed a nearby hill
When clouds were sad and hurtful grey
and so cruel was the chill

I packed with me the usual things
my worries and my fears
with hope the rain that winter brings
can wash away the tears

But when i reached the barren top
the sun burst through the grey
and all my pain came to a stop
all sadness washed away

I stood there for a little while
until the clouds came back
and then i left but with a smile
and sun in my backpack

So when my dreams are black and ill
and endless seems the night
from darkness i can climb that hill
... and walk into the light