I spend nights in bed wide awake
Thinking about each past foolish mistake

I am sorry I am so ****** up
I am a broken clock; an empty cup
I try to retrace my path to find out where I went wrong
What broke me and why I am no longer strong
But before I figure out how I ended up here
My footsteps fade and disappear

Turning in bed throughout the night
Pestered by demons
Didn't invite
The last thing wanna do is face my pain
It's the only subject boiling on my brain
You said not to worry and stress without cause
Know no other way of coping with my flaws
Is it easy for everyone else to show themselves love?
Self- loathing drags me down and I cannot rise above
First doubt creeps in like 5 o'clock shadows
Insults that start small and then grow
On mind like frost coating a thin layer of ground
Freezing to the insecurity to which I am bound
Last night's insomnia paints bags under eyes
Circles so deep and dark they can't even be disguised
I eat up lies you dish out like I haven't been fed in weeks
Hungry because gut never finds the nourishment it seeks
The distractions I consume to fill the void only render me more hollow
Skeleton becomes a nest of pity in which I choose to wallow
Fears bloom faster than blossoming flowers
Watered by teardrops that pour out in showers
Within bones
The middle where marrow should be
Instead filled with stones
Inside skin a storm is raging complete with lightning and thunder
Perished as teardrops poured
Presently pain pulls me under
I quickly surrender to rain clouds in the sky
Working to save my soul
Guess it is time to accept that in this universe some forces are beyond my control

It may still be early
But I have already made the decision
Though I know it will hurt
To inform you of division

When my mind is made up it's final
My resolve won't waver or cave
I figured now is the time to come clean
Though that means being brave

My body is my hamartia
The fatal flaw I cannot remove
Resolve stands until your magic is worked
Then out of the way defenses move

Towards the sun my face is angled
Anything to avoid looking at
The confused expression you wear
And the damage under that

I take time to explain best as I can
Why you are not right for me
I'm sure you still don't understand
Why you must set me free

Across the lawn sun slowly rises
Tomorrow is a brand new day
No matter how bad you feel right now
Patience will take sadness away

Into the woods watch me retreat
Until my silhouette disappears
It will be easier saying goodbye now
Than to wait a few more years

Life has a sick sense of humor
Can't control my emotion
It's always the most toxic option
That arouses deep devotion

Down through the mess of sensations
One thing remains clear and true
Of all the directions inner compass is pulling
Not one of them points to you

I move real slow through this minefield
One misstep and I will be dead
Placing each foot with the utmost caution
Explosives where shoes tread

Up the rocky ***** I climb
Fumbling inch by inch
Hands utilizing grips available
Narrow handles hard to clinch

It makes more sense to let go
Can't hang on much longer
I could cradle you in my arms
If only I were stronger

I reach peak of adoration
Admitting it towers so tall
Yet when I gaze at the sights below
Simply think
"What a far ******* fall"

In solitude insanity
Stalks me like shadow
But that is not a good excuse
To lead you on I know

I stretch my words to please you
Cause I'm scared to disappoint
It's wrong of me to exaggerate
When there really is no point

And the energy connecting us
Will eventually disippate
In the future you will gaze back
And be thankful that we separate

In an even trade I'd give you my heart
And I'd get yours in return
But relationships are never equal
A harsh truth that you must learn

With all that you have done for me
It is hard to up and leave
But what else to do after realizing
I can't put forth same care I receive

And so I release you from my embrace
To fly away into the sky
Maybe I shouldn't have taken a chance
This is what happens when I try

Every person who gets too close
Gets cut by pieces broken
Whether by sharp behavior
Or musings left unspoken

I experience bliss in your presence
But remain consumed by emptiness
Probably destined to live alone forever
I don't deserve love or happiness

You don't follow rules
Stop playing games with my heart
Forfeit so you win

(Verse 1:)
The thought of how we will be spending our time
February 14th
Valentine's
This year makes me cry
I'll probably be by your side
Always will until we die
Maybe feel we have no choice
No one else can stand the sound of my voice
I only see myself with you
See my pain but have no clue
You still break my heart in two
Time passed us
We both grew
Both people are someone new
Not the kids we once knew
Died once
You did too
Dreams I hope still come true
Disappearing into blue
Can only attempt to pursue
A relationship if you want to too

(Hook:)
Love the reason we hold on
For us can always depend upon
Understanding forgiveness isn't what we aren't getting
Harder part for us is forgetting

(Verse 2:)
I do not like the saying "forgive and forget"
Not everyone is ready for that yet
Everything about you makes me upset
This is apologizing for all that I regret
I am not living to please anyone else
Tried that but only lost myself
Brain is wrecked
I need help
Off drugs and out of this hell
I think secretly like the torture
Head is aware but somehow unsure
Mind is tormented by thoughts so impure
Way out blocked by pictures of what we were

(Hook)

(Bridge:)
We are loyal solely to eachother
Maybe that's the issue
We stay and stay despite pain
Just don't wanna miss you
You do not want to be lonely either
We break eachother piece by piece
But wonder if we separated
Would finally have our peace?

Forgiveness taking far too long
Knife out and in my hands
My own judgement tasting wrong
Back and blood understands

Using to sharpen wit but not
Hurt anyone
Zero exceptions
No matter if they ought
Harm myself is my intention

Their heads in false guillotines
Hair drenched in sweat
Manage to turn my cheek
Wrong that this pain I let

They are supposed to care
The ones who betrayed
Just expected them to be there
My feelings were played

Until understanding why
Heart will keep bleeding
Alone continue to try
Never made progress in succeeding

You have been my closest friend from the day you were born
Back when you were just a tiny puppy
I promise to always protect and provide
As much love as you have given me

You have seen me at my worst
When life pulled me down to the lowest place
Yet not matter how far I have fallen
Hesitation never finds your embrace

I have written many poems about
The way you make me feel
But most of them were focused on
Wounds that have since healed

This time I want my words to show
How grateful I am to have you here
I know with my bad attitude
Admiration is not always clear

I said "I hate you" when I was younger
More times than anybody should
I didn't understand your restrictions
My feet never walked where you stood

You knew I didn't really mean it
Love unwavering through my rage
I'm sure you've spoken the same exact words
To your own mother when you were that age

I think you nag because you care
But lack another way to express
What you don't realize is that you would
Get better results if you ******* less

You deserve a daughter who makes you proud
Not one who barely gets by
But at least I am honest about my problems
Instead of feeding you a happy lie

You accept me with my many flaws
Still praise the mess that I became
I am lucky because most people I know
Wouldnt be able to say the same

You have always done the best you can
No matter how great the sacrifice
To see me succeed and fulfill my potential
You would gladly pay any price

Thank you for staying up all night
To make me a costume for school
You put in blood, sweat, spit, and tears
Just so I could feel cool

You would bake me cookies
When we had parties in class
Without seeking validation
You just wanted me to pass

And I remember the time my teacher called
Because I had broken the dress code
You showed up and gave him a piece of your mind
Until his decision was overrode

You've always fought for my best interests
You'll forever have my back
On my side even when I'm in the wrong
Defending qualities I lack

I could never explain how grateful I am
To have a mom as amazing as you
Supportive, protective, and  nurturing
Caring and thoughtful too

I hope one day I can prove myself
Mistakes I promise to ammend
All the effort you put in raising me
Was worth it in the end

I wanna let you know
You are the only guy for me
I leave
It hurts me so
With you wish I could always be
The hardest part
Letting go
I have to say goodbye
Though I try to force time to slow
Keeps on passing by

Do not wanna scream at you every day
I don't want to fight or make you hurt
More and more I say words that cause you pain
Is it so hard to make this work?
Would need you if you didn't need me
To face that realization is hard
Sleep off doubts hoping you won't see
Return cause they never go far
Why are you what I fear the most?
Dreaming open eyes
Fantasies we hope to come true that we used to host
Never will if you keep giving lies
There will come a day everything changes
Nothing will stay the same
Left picking up pieces while reality rearranges
Both will end up with cuts of shame
Love with an intensity so great
When saying your name it rattles doors
Mind might belong to me
My heart is all yours

Thoughts of you strike at all hours
Matching memories to mixed emotions
Handsome haunting face appears
Persistent flames burn me with devotion
Inspired inside by inviting eyes
Powerful enough to lock in a gaze
Makes me want to hide within your aura
In a place far from here, get lost in a gaze
Been living a fairytale
Loving through day, all through the night
Evident by how we remove each others clothes
Want you to be the only one who gets to hold me tight
If you are wrapped up next to me in sheets
I look forward to each play-filled day
I can honestly say I am happy with life
If it lasts only a short while that's still okay
Time spent with your hands on my hips
Worth any amount of pain to come
Feelings you rile  within my heart
I will treasure no matter the outcome
I will never forget how your hot breath felt
Tickling my pale exposed neck
Each murmur captured in my brain
Stored in an internal tape deck
Precious moments run around my head
Lips throbbing to touch once more
I will love you until the day I take my last breath
Til the second my still cold body hits the floor

For one who brightens up my day
Wrote this poem about all the ways
That you make life worth living
Constantly loving and consistently giving
I've thought lots about it and it's time I let you know
As long as I am breathing I am never letting go
Blessed lying next to you naked in bed
Savoring each sweet sentence said
And when I cannot find a single reason to go on
Remind me of the opportunity rising with each dawn
When all my hope has swirled down the drain
I cannot see the silver lining through the pouring rain
Anyone else would give up centuries ago
You dig your heels in the dirt refusing to go
I wish I could be more like you
Inspiration echoes everything you do
I never understood what you want about me
Complete mess at best it seems is all I'll ever be
I'm usually wrong
You're mostly right
Suspect the passion is what makes us fight
If we did not care getting along would be a breeze
In my opinion it is a positive sign we so often disagree
But some moments been known to take it too far
The last thing I intend to do is leave an emotional scar
I promise I will behave rationally when conversation turns heated
If both strive to change there's no way we'll get defeated
I know I test patience with my stupid decisions
Literally and figuratively suffer poor vision
My fingertips dance like whispers on your skin
Expectations are an ocean I'm drowning in
If I sink to bottom you'll dive beneath waves
Bring me to surface
Ensure I am saved
You rescue me regularly from dark parts of who I am
Afraid being vulnerable so I act like I don't give a ****
But in my mind screaming that I actually do
Held back by intimidation of not being good enough for you
In strength and perseverance outpace me by miles
Handsome face on top of that plus a gorgeous smile
I can't compare and that's why I rarely try
Because I assume eventually you'll choose to say goodbye
But until that happens trying harder every day
In hopes somehow you'll chance it in your heart to stay
Please forgive me for getting on your nerves
And thank you for treating me wonderful when it's not what I deserve
The only one who can motivate me when I am blue
I am lucky to have a partner like you

I gave into love's feelings easily
Wish I would have stood my ground
Instead of letting you fall for me, and asleep
For your feelings sake should have turned around.

I knew I was too late, broken, and lost,
To give all myself to you
You deserve more than affection I show
And a heart turned black and blue.

I am emotionally wounded from
The lies and alibis I have been dealt Betrayal cuts deeper than a dagger
A feistier pain I have not yet felt.

I chose to believe, let you in, let you see
My damaged parts though they were sore
Tried to give you all my pieces but failed
Once I reached the ghastly bits at my core.

I could not stand the idea of letting you down
Or the image of hurt read in your revolving eyes
When you discovered devils housed within
As the truth left my mouth it turned to lies.

To deceive was not my intention
Lips parted but words would not come out
I have taken treasured trust you hold close
Replaced it with anger, longing, and doubt.

Somehow you are still here, second chance in hand
Wearing forgiveness like heavy cologne
I selfishly accept knowing you would
Definitely be better off on your own.

I do not know if I am strong enough
To overcome ghosts haunting my mind
Maybe the anxious shadows and I
Will in darkness forever stay entwined.

Your light heart is guiding me along a new path
I harbor hope for happier tomorrows
With you my friendly smile comes easily
Your kiss slowly silences still sorrows.

Take my familiar hand, lead me to a place
Where laughter, joy, and kindness never cease
I am going to let true love and your wisdom
Show the way to heal and find internal peace.

It is not mine to bear
Not my right to hold
But I want to relieve your greif
Can't be ditched
Can't be shared
Let's hope your pain is breif

Not expressions you attempt to mask
Like it doesn't hurt
Alone tonight in your frustration
Know he's not attentive or alert

There is only so much to be done
He's genuinely trying with all his might
Hanging out while you're asleep
Making the most of a ****** night

Eyes heavy with tiredness and concern
Across the room you snore
Stares at the barely audible TV
Bet he hates this even more

The pre-existing tension blooms here
Makes sense
Shouldn't be a surprise
Conflict inevitably surfaces
Minds fail to engage compromise

You never move forward like this
Who you are enormously holds you down
Face shows what you can't conceal
Mask twisted into a frown

By now should know better
Know you way too well
Feel unfairly treated in this building
So you put us through unjust hell

We will last through turmoil
Lift ourselves because we are strong
Darkness cannot overcome our family
Our love will carry us four along

I let you go to lift the heavy weight
But now I'm trapped by indecision
If I am so free without your chains
Why does my heart feel imprisoned?

I prefer to have only one true friend than ten million frauds

To fall a million times than to never try at all

Rather lose with honor than win by breaking rules

Be hated for person I truly am that celebrated for a disguise

I pick reality over rose-hued ruses

Night changes and spins around
Bitter day will follow suit
A purple frosty evening
Turning black as soot

Okay will someone please enlighten me on why I'm so ****** up?

Let's go over it from the beginning

Because I am baffled..

I am captivated by your beauty
Help me clear my clouded eyes
Forgive me for thinking my sight must be foggy
It's just that you're perfect, you must be sent from the skies.

Every time try to shake you off
Road leads back to you
Become more malleable and soft
Walk circles like you do
Aware I am perpetually lost
No hope of finding way
Heart is layered with frost
Colder each day

We are a little ****** up inside
The parts of ourselves we try to hide
Some of us dwell in trenches deep
Just like those up hills so steep

Looking at the life I know
Stars above
Ground below
Everything we do not share weighs us down
In the stress we'll eventually drown

Is knowledge we are missing too hard to reach?
Can be the one to show me how and teach
More bad habits every day
But you can take them away

Is more serotonin what I need?
Expensive to sense/cents to feed
Rather fix hormones in my brain
Than leave be and go insane

A long way to go
Climb off my knees
Halfway there start to wheeze
Missed shot
I'm on the bench
Opportunity failed
Fists clenched

Throw confidence against wall
Kindness shown to others
Not self at all
And around in circles I run
Like clock hands thoughts are never done

Confetti exploding
Colorful shower
Pieces of heart shredded by the hour
No bravery
No guts
No *****
No spine
Days will never again be mine

No hurry to grow older
Faint embers to smolder
Story etched
Layers of stone
Exhausted to skin and bone

Walking motion
Too worn out to sprint
Precious time now viewed with tint
Inhumane way of wearing death out
Lies before infinite route

Mirror whispers
"You are not good enough"
Existing breath hated and rough
Body in conflict with the voice in my head
Dangling from a solitary thread

The day hazy because I am confused
Hop from mistake to mistake unexcused
Revealing that despair is long
Unchanging as I mosey along

My heart warming
Trying change
And thawing as flaws disarrange
Can think I'll get better
I never will
Spending time savoring that thrill

Laughing days that passed by in a rush
Crying
Sharing stories we gush
We are only distracting from the pain
Is a point ever reached
Where you slip down the drain?

A need to fix
Need to heal
No way of stopping the bad **** I feel
Move feet but I'm stuck in place
****** up all I can't erase

You brought me flowers
Was honestly surprised
Certainly were beautiful
Betrayal cleverly disguised

I awoke without you there
Note explaining where you went
When you came home with a big bouquet
Knew exactly what that meant

That in the hours you were away
Had done something I’d disapprove
Suspicions were confirmed by that gesture
I had no way to prove

Sifted through your phone of course
You’re good at covering tracks
Had plans to meet up with some girl
Was told to chill and relax

That you did not actually follow through
Stopped to drop off some dope
Her and a couple of other people
Reason for me to mope

It was other errands you ran
Took so long
You swear
Don’t know if you expect me to believe
Or you just don’t care

You thought you were sneaky and smart
Bringing somebody along
Because if you had a chaperone
Could you have done anything wrong?

Which would have worked eons ago
I’m catching on to your tricks
Hard as I try to tear down your walls
You’re faster stacking bricks

I ask from you the truth
Though i give more in return
By now should be used to the sadness
My stupid heart refuses to learn

I keep asking what’s wanted from me
Thinking I’m not worthy of a reply
Maybe you don’t know the answer
Either way I am left asking why

Why can’t you stop slipping away?
Out of hands and into the air
All we’ve been through
Ups and downs
Now do you not want me there?

I am hoping this is just a phase
Patient I force myself to be
You get it out of your system
Like you when waiting for me

I have made poor choices in the past
Forgive me but can’t forget
Tried to move forward and start over
I can tell it still makes you upset

I suspect that is justification
Smashing my heart to pieces
I hate myself for all that I am
Your attraction decreases

I do not know when feelings shifted
It’s clear yours aren’t the same
Maybe til now you were pretending
Whole relationship simply a game

My head beyond damaged
Stories that don’t make sense
I am going crazy
Issues seem so immense

I am easily manipulated
By your hand
Into different shapes
I can no longer stand

You are my biggest weakness
Temptation I can’t resist
I can’t have you for my own
Should I even exist?

I should thank you for your presence
You come home to me each night
As you spend days with other women
I fear you can’t stand my sight

I wish I could trust like before
You won’t give deceit a rest
See through your veil of loyalty
Know better than protest

I wonder
Did you get her a present?
If the floral arrangement was just for me
May not be fair to hate her
Probably shares my agony

Except has the worse half of the deal
I get most of your heart
Rest is scattered in pieces
Others have a tiny part

They should have common decency
Respect the commitment we share
Since it clearly doesn’t matter to you
Why would they bother to ******* care?

I am aware I am a lucky girl
Call you my best friend
If you no longer picture a future together
Don’t prolong the end

I do not know how to change this
To make you happy once more
Hold the flood of tears inside
The second you walk out the door

Then waterfalls gush out of eyes
Rivers of snot flow from nose
Have no interest in hearing my sorrows
I won’t burden you with my woes

I try maintaining composure
You are near
Should be able to sense my emotions
Not as stable as they appear

But you are constantly distracted
Consistently divided
I pour my all into a relationship
Grows more and more one-sided

Even if you stop buying presents
Come back to the house less and less
I will remain devoted and true
Never fixing this mess

Roses the closest I will get
Any sort of apology
Someday you won’t buy me flowers
You’ll only need to be with me

We loved with careless enthusiasm
Your touch cooled my burning chest
Out of melancholic monotony
Embraced flaws and silent distress

Warm skin the ultimate compliment
Formless bodies seeking relief
Yet the mind mine was so connected to
Overflows my thoughts with grief

And I see the mess I've made of us
Cry because I know it's my fault
Pouring darkness into your body
Leading you into assault

One moment you were everything
Couldn't stop love I felt
Next found myself wanting space
With time passion began to melt

The feelings I relished dwindled with grace
Rehearsing lines of the part I'm trying to be
All that's left is only a trace
Of the magic once fueling our love story