Wish I could run away from here
I am ready for an escape from lows
Hands habitually reach for your skin
I sense the danger when close

I know you are toxic and addictive
Exactly how bad you are for me
My heart always leads me back to you
With my mind it will not agree

I keep replying to your messages
They make me very sad
Showing how short of a distance we have come
In the five long years we have had

History keeps on repeating itself
The cycle is very clear
It's so hard to let go of the thing
More than anything else I hold dear

I attempt to remain your friend
We both want something more
We foolishly still pretend there's hope
To regain closeness we felt before

At times I feel strange around you
Most of the time I feel hurt
The passionate affection had for you
Buried under six feet of dirt

If I forget all the wounds you inflicted
Undo the pain I caused you to feel
We could start anew like the past never happened
Like the awful grey days wasted were not even real

The sorrowful memories persistently exist
Plaguing mind with nightmares dark
Try to erase the patient moments embedded
They will forever stay stuck in my heart

If you love something
You should set it free
Not keep it chained
Where it doesn't want to be
Because if that love is true
And meant to be
It will return to you
Eventually

Every day is a
Battle to keep taking steps
Forward and not back

Dreams end, impossible as it seems,
When eyes open a world far more real,
When sleep sprouts wings, flies away,
We realize we were trapped in a coma ideal.

Life is easy when you live a haze,
Mind wrapped, heavy fog,
Heart consumed, false potential,
Breath swirling, hopeful smog.

Just want to exist in reality,
Want to cut ties with manupulative illusions,
I want to smash this fantasy to dust,
Want to break your disturbed delusions.

I want to wake from this madness,
Forget the whimiscal world I have seen,
I  wish for light to trickle, not just out from your pores  but sun,
I am slowly uncovering truth behind this elusive scene.

Mind wrapped, muscles relaxed,
Is it bad it took me so long to see?
Our relationship simply a sad nightmare,
I tried to hold on, but had to set that seductive dream free.

You own every single piece of me
Every part
The only one with all of my heart

I have given everything I have to you within my core
I still feel as if I should have given so much more

Because you deserve sun to never set or say goodbye
Deserve not the moon or stars but the whole entire sky

The love you have shown since the day we met
An unrecipricable gift for which i will forever be in debt

There are no words to express depth of my gratitude
Sure you have no clue cause of my constantly bad mood

As hard as I try being someone worthy of your caress
Each tense day that passes you like me less and less

I cannot blame you for dwindling adoration
Hard cherishing a girl who voices no appreciation

I have noticed the difference in behavior for awhile
Remain unable to coax out your smile

I lost the ability to conjure your laughter
It's vanished along with happy-ever-after

The years spent making love feel like a dream
Unsure if I am remembering wrong
Was it as amazing as to me it seems?

Gone are moments we were free from fear and cares
Happy as long as the other was there

Now all we do
Argue and fight
Pretty sure you're starting to get sick of my sight

I leave marks on surface of your magnificent skin
Drawing blood out
You won't let me in

Scratching hopes I'll somehow break through
If I dig my nails deep enough I'll get to the real you

I do not want to hurt you but I can't seem to stop
The things you say leave my head spinning like a top

I have explained before you have nothing from me to hide
The sole element I need is for you to let me inside

You have never given me a full chance to be understanding
In the past I was strict and demanding

But that was back before I knew what forever was like
Sweat and shake when those withdrawals strike

You have seen me change so drastically
Over time
I'm not even the same me

And even when I would express aggravation
Forgave each mistake without hesitation

For I had known certainly you were "The One"
Locked eyes and right there my search was done

Our romance has survived lots of ups and downs
Used to wear mostly smiles but they've switched to frowns

I am the reason why it's difficult to get along
Finally realized it's me who's in the wrong

For so long pride has rendered me blind
Justifying words no matter how unkind

For every hurtful action came up with an excuse
Truly believed you deserved the abuse

For damage you did and the lies you told
That doesn't give me the right to act cold

You have served your sentence:
A year spent on your own
A prison I built and left you in alone

As punishment for tears you made me cry
Slowly breaking my heart
Not telling me why

For the fraction of life I wasted in chains
I washed different parts of myself down the drain

But wasn't you drowning my sorrows
Hand pouring remorse on not just today but all tomorrows

Haunted unforgettable pain
Memory of what no longer remained

I attempted to seal sadness within
No one got a glimpse of the agony within

I was sure would eventually go away
I ignored the ache and pushed through it each day

But the longer I pretended was just fine
Crazier it drove me knowing you weren't mine

Tortured by the fact was the one who chose to leave
To deceieve myself thinking you would change was plain naive

But truly believed you were ready to be done
It came as a surprise when after me you didnt run

I assume it is because i acted like I moved on
Too wounded to let witness my distress with you gone

Determined to never go through same ordeal twice
Trusting nature i was forced to ultimately sacrifice

I put up walls
Blocked ricocheting echoes of  your voice
That's not all I barricaded out with my choice

In order to be unshackled from terrible fear
Hope and happiness also had to disappear

Solitude was total freedom at first
That relief quickly turned into a curse

I noticed resolve diminishing bit by bit
Something missing from my world and you were it

I yearned for moments of comfort and bliss
Magic contained in your enchanting kiss

Irresistible drawn to despite what you lacked
Caved and despite my instinct took you back

No one else could possibly make me feel the way you do
I accepted a relationship where my heart stays torn in two

But problem is we've had too much room to grow
Into people hardly recognize but know

I am still Amanda and you are still Paul
Infatuation has not wavered at all

But I have grown bitter
Full of anger
Who is responsible for morphing me into a stranger?

A glance in the mirror shows a twisted reflection
I can't pinpoint the exact imperfection

I feel ugly and unworthy of love
Far away from my image I forcefully shove

Why do you tolerate violence and greif?
Patient when in return offer no relief

If you saw the picture I've become you'd depart
Before once again I leave pits on your heart

You hold me in devoted embrace
Piercing with the fearful expression on your face

You love me (at least promise you do)
I cannot fully trust though I try to

I cannot comprehend a single trait you see
I am a screaming mess and you stick around me

You are a miracle that through darkest hours shone
Truthfully very best guy I have ever known

I am sorry for ways I've treated you bad
It was myself
Not you
Making me mad

Over my rage have no control
You suffer unfairly for the darkness in my soul

I do not mean to take out my insecurity
On anyone else
It can be too much for me

Sometimes I am bothered to the point where I snap
In black and blues paint on my thighs a detailed map

So everyone sees how I got to where I am
Somewhere between point A and point B stopped giving a ****

On my flesh insanity artistically explained
Story written myself not in shades of ink
But pain

Come closer so maybe you read and undestand
My efforts did not work out as planned

I do not have what it takes to improve
Instead of striving I hardly move

Trying to make your problems less difficult than they are
Another layer to the puzzle already too hard

I do my best
Hold my tongue instead of cuss and yell
No words could convey why  being with you is hell

I do not get my irrational emotions either
I try to calm myself
You won't let me take a breather

Because you are convinced I will do my health harm
Do it for me accidentally with restraining arms

I vainly attempt to maintain my composure
You start flinching and it's all over

If you say I am crazy
Crazy is what you'll get
How you speak about me makes me upset

When I work my *** off
Be perfect and chill
Make me out to be a psychopath still

Your idea of me clearly set in stone
You only are with me because you fear being alone

I am writing my thoughts as if it will matter
You won't read between lines scattered

It is easier for you to act as if it's all in my head
I have no reason to ache and should be satisfied instead

You may be right about mental state and such
I only flip out because I care way too much

You cannot create more passion than you actually feel
Quit deceiving both of us and for once be REAL

Your love for me the only thing of which I have no doubt
It is all the other ******* I am unsure about

If I am your best friend won't you confide?
Closeness we used to share must have died

Or maybe made that part up as well
So confused at this point can no longer tell

To avoid your displeasure try to be tough
It literally kills me knowing I'll never be enough

Do not ask me why I'm sniffling from now on
There exists no right answer because each is wrong

I am the reason behind everlasting pain
It really doesn't make sense to complain

I just wish knew why you manipulate and lie
Say you just want my happiness then do things that make me cry

Be honest
I don't supply what you need
Don't expect commitment if you can't return the deed

I am losing my mind
You're slipping away
If you know what is good for you you won't bother to stay

In the end it does not matter
Everyone leaves, despite promises once spoken
Time has cruel sense of humor
Makes the strongest heart broken.

The easiest thing you can do to guard
Heart is give up on "forever"
Accept whoever your soul embraces
That tie will eventually fray and sever.

I suppose right and wrong are not black and white
Someone's dark is another's light
Villians inside each and every one of us
Across country and next to you on the bus
Cause spent so much time judging all imperfections
Fail to acknowledge our own flawed reflection
If re-evaluating our actions instead
Of criticizing peers and words that they said
Perhaps could improve our own state of mind
The emotional tendencies to which we are inclined
Escape box of expectations we foolishly inhabit
It's challenging because we are creatures of habit
Every person has been tainted by transgressions
So who are we to stigmatize surrounding indescretions?
Because all inflict suffering upon some heart
Nobody exempt from playing that part
We could not really abstain if we tried
No matter our decision
Leaves SOMEONE unsatisfied
The sooner we face truth and realize what we are
Sooner we can forgive who's responsible for our scar
It is impossible pleasing everybody all the time
We take turns being the victim then commiting crime
Besides
Good and evil defined differently among men
All behave like monsters now and then

Trying to get over you but I cannot
It does not matter what I do
Walk roads in every direction
All of them lead back to you

I fill empty pages with words
It has been months since I've written about
Anything besides feelings we once shared
Greif consumes me from the inside out

It's not what I want, it's right
Did not choose to feel this way
It's hard to lose the person who
For a year talked to every day

You probably think I am pathetic
Crying after all this time
I can't help it, I tear up
Whenever I hear music by Sublime

I cannot erase the memories
Can't forget what happened in the past
I cannot be angry with you, I just wish
The days hadn't gone so fast

You have hurt me more than anyone else
Don't care that I'm broken in two
For some reason I can't explain
My heart continues to go back to you

Been lost too long to find the right road
To save squandered time thrown away
Backtrack the past but I'm wasting the present
Cannot erase regret
Tried every which way

Evidently don't feel like I do
Can tell by the way you say
"I love you too"
When questioning the truth
Fail to explain why
Don't expect a perfect answer
You don't even try

Maybe I am where I need to be
The reason presently I can't see
Leaves with flourish spring from tree branches
Try to stay above these mental avalanches
Inside I am frozen
Hopeless
Blue
Outside I pretend it isn't true

Having trouble adjusting
Constant loneliness
Experienced it before
Never in excess
A dream the closest I get to someone
Search for a face but still see none
Easy making reasons for why I am alone
Much harder ignoring truth already known
It pushes my ribcage so I can't breathe right
Gladly suffocate to keep it out of sight
It comes into peripheral without my permission
Against eye sockets allegations beyond admission
True stories block from my view just in time
Deciding to turn and climb
Is that urgent buzzing I hear in my ear?
With shake of my head I make doubts disappear
They fall hard
They land in my heart
Can no longer deny we are from now on apart

Expenses are accumulating around us
Trying to remain calm, I crumble, can't save face
I apologize sincerely for falling apart
And for putting us in this tough place.

Leaning on femininity as an excuse

Me being the opposite gender equivalent to being handicapped in a wheelchair

But biological differences are not a disability
They are unique birth attributes
My extra chromosome doesn't make me less of a person it just makes me less of a man

I know you do not need me
Act like you care
Inside I see you are broken
Pain so great can hardly bear

I give what relief I can
Need you to take it from my lips
Memory wraps me in a blanket of peace
Soft like your fingertips

Find myself discovering
In my thoughts signs I couldn't read
Truth I tried so hard to figure out
All along hidden in front of me

Be honest and joy will come to you
Able to accept flaws and mistakes
The sooner you will succeed if you do
Have to dig deep whatever it takes

I wonder if you've forgotten the facts
Showing who you really are
It comes naturally to you
Dishonesty is masked with charm

No chance of falling for your facade
Done that many times with you
You crossed a line, our trust broke
When I see you I see the pain you put me through

Do not think compliments and affection
Will magically vanquish the past
Are words all you think it takes to win?
Come on, you can work harder than that

Starting to see you're faceless
Shifting shape from head to toe
Will you stop deceiving all who gaze?
Are you satisfied living out a show?

Go forth, conquer impeding fear,
Ask your questions, even ones whos answers may bring pain,
There is beauty in mystery, but also in the known,
Do not waste life worried, washing minutes down the drain.

Sipping from an always half-empty cup,
Drinking alone, too scared to make friends,
Treading water, a sea of doubtful timidness,
Live each day to the fullest before your time on Earth ends.

Look a little further past the horizon,
Where the wild sun meets mild waves,
Endless possibilities lie, waiting to be found,
Face looming fear before we reach resting graves.

I did not realize the weight of all these bad decisions
Directly in the shade cast by massive collisions
Needed to move somewhere warm
Escape the cycle of snow
Garden was fading when it needed to grow
For own sanitys sake I fled
Couldn't outrun the hell inside my head

Times seem difficult right now
Look in mirror and hate what I see
I have faith that if I keep trying
I'll start to eventually like being me
What doesn't **** makes me stronger
I continue building myself every day
Growing
Learning from my fuckups and messes
Fueled by faith in fate that someday I'll finally feel okay

People are about appearances
Judging books by covers
Never looking for what is on the inside
It isn't anyone's fault
It's society's
Images the media tragically forces on us
We will fall apart and once the underneath is revealed
We'll realize looks are usually deceiving
Next time love their soul, because that's what truly matters.