Words were left behind
    on top of the soil
    where they buried
    yesterday's bones

2. suddenly, this cold chill
    that has befriended my spine
    is now a sense of comfort
    that I am still alive

3. Grief, it is love, it is every form of love
    From every story I have ever read
    it is hope and despair
    it is the shadow
    of this rain
    that follows me
    home

4. I hope you see
    that this running clock
    moves in circles
    just like we do
                             the beginning of your journey
                             is closer to the end
                             than you could ever imagine

5. If you are looking for me
    I am searching for that old shadow
    we left with the sun for safekeeping
    thinking about burying old love

Underneath fractured rainfall
a shadow remains of the person you used to be
Your thoughts fly among the doves
having escaped steel cages of clouded silence
and comes gentle rain,
washing away the unforgiving cold

As your dreams pour out of your voice

holding little sewing pins
to flag and label
the delicate nerves
of reminiscence
and the friable folds
of understanding
we always stand here
put on spot
to answer, to name
what is laid before us
all its pieces and parts
and we always struggle
searching other eyes
to find a sense of comfort
that no one here
feels entirely sure
of how to go about it

You get lost navigating the corners of your emotions
Some days you’ll read a poetic interpretation of happiness
And you’ll be restless, just like the words described
You don’t know how the walls of mixed emotions could stand so tall
But now you’re here waving a white flag
Hoping that the windows would
Stop caving in.

But even you know,
That once you’ve surrendered yourself to your heart
You would feel whole again
But it’s the feeling of being lost
In a maze of emotions

Where purpose resides.

Your emotions, cataclysmic sentiments,
build foundations from crumpled pieces of paper
creating ideas born out of despair
and you sit amongst yourself
feeling like a candle flame
with piles of unsaid things
as your fuel, waiting to ignite,  
a wicked smile held in place
right where it belongs
at the centre of a concept map
unsteady, unpredictable
the blueprint of catastrophe
laughter without reason

I made a list of caveats
For the designs you constructed,
From thoughts in my mind
And for one, you know me too closely
It is too frightening
The way you find constellations
In broken skies
And propriety from my colouring
Outside the lines
Then, within my bones, too unstructured,
You found the sun in their moonlight complexion
And you confess your secrets
That these letters and conversations we’ve exchanged
Hang in a gallery in your head

Etched sentiments
And faded drawings of everything resolute

Scents of satsuma and cinnamon
bottled up into reminders of the little things
this blurred motion has created a mirage
of incomprehensible reasons
to forget our love for patience
from strings of silver threads
and sentimental alliances
woven into patterns of picture frames
completely blurred, alive in motion
together, a collage of all the times
stillness couldn't find its breath
and laughter took us by the shoulders
shaking and shaking
till we fell into a rhythm of remembrance
with all the little things
bottled up in an illusion of permanence

I feel that same Sunday chaos
in the kitchen, fingers digging
into orange skin

a trailing scent of spring
citrus blooms into the air

here, in this moment
with one hand
and terrible penmanship
I write my name

and with the other
I hold the feeling
of missing things

My lungs dissipate into this silence
The fires between yesterday and tomorrow
Burn in the back of my throat
I take the words I’ve collected over the years
Store them in jars with pennies and fears
I envelop my breath with rain clouds and blues
Ready to mail it out to the years

Between us are silent sorrows
We’ve only just reunited
And already, a vast sea has made its home
Between you and me
We filled it with our tears
I spoke, you listened, I listened, you spoke
Our heartbeats aligned
Momentarily we breathed
And words flowed out
Drowning us in memories
You make your departure,
Leaving me as I overthink the unspoken

The fire’s put out, but nothing’s left
If you ever return with more things to say
You can count the pennies and words I kept
But I’ll be gone into the void of yesterday
With healing lungs,
putting out the fires you left behind

From the blooming dandelions
That grow in the gardens of the kindred soul
Is a peculiar dream
That with every yellow petal becomes
A wishful fly away
Within its colourless softness
Searching for new soil
To bury itself
And grow

But it’s the insignificant things
That weigh down the petals  
Whenever they gather the willpower
To float towards a horizon
That divides the insecurities
And the biggest fears of the dreamer
So instead the petals become rain
That wash away the remnants
Of a scorching sun

And some time after
The water carries with it
The seed of the dandelion
And along a distant road
It grows once again
Waiting for another
To come set it free
So that it can carry those old ambitions
Back to one who’s still searching for courage
Along the horizon in their dreams

From the blooming dandelions
That grow in the gardens of the kindred soul
Is a peculiar dream
That with every yellow petal becomes
A wishful fly away
Within its colourless softness
Searching for new soil
To bury itself
And grow

But it’s the insignificant things
That weigh down the petals  
Whenever they gather the willpower
To float towards a horizon
That divides the insecurities
And the biggest fears
Of the one who wished upon them
So instead the petals become rain
That wash away the remnants
Of a scorching sun

And some time after
The water carries with it
The seed of the dandelion
And along a distant road
It grows once again
Waiting for another
To come set it free
So that it can carry those old ambitions
Back to one who’s still searching for  courage
Along the horizon in their dreams

Remember when we’d fly kites
And your hands bled from the wire
We used to talk about dreams
As you bandaged your cuts
Ready to fly them again

We drifted with each other's names
Still sewn into our hearts
I think back to those days
Praying that every dream I could never reach
Has found you instead
And that they walk with you every step
The distances I could not go
For you

Your colossal extravagance
The glitter in your words
The sparkling jar of hearts,
That you bury in your tombs
The shivers that you send
The tears that you forget
And the people you’ve broken
Are slowly trailing behind

But you’re so far ahead
With the future in your hands
You’re the “x” on the map
The destination in every heart
And with that you roam your wonders
Set them on blazing fires
And laugh in the distance
As you watch the faces of the world

And you leave us wondering where you are, whenever we feel alive
You truly are the master of the hour

The reckless paradoxical force everyone chases,
As you follow closely behind

You are the contrast between the sun and its midday shadow
The quiet soul with the pulse of a deer caught in headlights
You carry your words in your throat, your thoughts in your heart
You feel like a wrecking ball waiting to be swung
But you are a reckless force, a mountain that never cries

You string the laughs of those closest to you to wear as bracelets in your worst of times
You dwell on the insignificant things because that’s where you divide
You are the east and the west meeting at a central line

You are here in the present surrounded by people
You tell stories and you listen, you laugh and you embrace
But your head is in the clouds somewhere far away
And you look towards the windows to remember who you are
You’re struggling to be present because you’re already somewhere far

We were a catastrophe
Just a small sense of letting us be
Broken and brittle
Loveless and little
But who knew that being mates
And late night dinner dates
Could lead to us,
A catastrophe?
One where ones like me
Found those like you
A shy little girl and the greatest book
The best pair by look
A story couldn't comprehend
The relationship we have
A bookworm and a good read
It's all I could ever need

It’s the inimitable nature
Of a hand that is extended in love
To the one who walks with their thoughts  
As if an immeasurable weight rests on their shoulders

it’s the precise curvature of the smile
That an unfamiliar face gives
To the one whose heart pounds against their chest
After their voice projects into the open
When it's always just a whisper  

It’s the bed of relief that lies on the shoulder
Of a friend that offers it in goodness
To the one who never asks and always  listens

It is the heart of the outcast
That blooms into gardens
When they meet a soul
That takes them under their wing
So they too can fly
Without feeling the fall

The smell of inspiration
The desire to keep your pace
The rain in your hair
Coloured in rocks
You in your natural habitat
Walls of canyon stone
The rush of the waterfalls
The pain of the drop
As every senseless breath is gone
You can feel yourself drown
In the beauty of nothingness
In silence and peace
On this loud earth
Where the water falls

In a moment of serendipitous sweetness
You grimace bitterly,
you do not like walking down paths
covered in roses.
You would rather wallow alone,
Coughing up reasons
to be angry at this shallow world,

But it follows you buzzing
even when you’ve muted your colours.

The inheritance of loss
Often told as a tragic story
I sit here writing
while gripping onto the edges of every passing day
hoping to change the narrative of this pain
I'm sorry to my daughter;
there were too many things I never solved
I walked with this heaviness
with a dream to transform the world for you
but instead, I lost and lost
and left these wounds on your carpet
watered a grass that was already dead
and called it advocacy
The inheritance of loss
is beaded into these gold bangles
the same ones my mother gave me
the same ones I keep for you

I see the stars dancing in the navy blues.
The ones that colour you when you’re asleep,
and I relish in the madness of the silent nights,
that keep me locked away from tranquillity.

So, I watch as the moon lights its guiding paths,
as it raises fences in the shape of a tide.
The universe holds you sound asleep,
as you dream on of the morning light.

When you’re awake, and the mountains glow,
follow the colours of the sunrise,
And find me waiting with a handful of dreams.
Hoping to find the world in your eyes.

For when I cannot sleep at night,
I take your restlessness from your mind.
When your eyes start to drift into a pool of black,
just know I’ll be painting the universe while you sleep.

I’ll take your thoughts and make them my dreams,
so that when you’re awake, all you will see is:
mountains surrounded by an ethereal glow,
Remnants of the moon still waving goodbye,
The glowing colours of a thousand morning suns,
Leaves dancing with the unforgiving wind,
Trees swaying to the sound of your heartbeat,
And the stars resting in the palm of my hands,

…

When you find this mural and wonder how,
Just know my muse was your miraculous glow,
and that I’ll be somewhere across the sea,
painting the universe in your dreams.

I. Conquer time
Follow the falling leaves as they circle through time
Feel their greenery bring you back to life
And watch as a new spring comes back with an old face
dance amongst the snow that once watered the ground
And watch as it falls onto the earth only to fade away

II. Dream of flight
Watch the soaring hawks and the aeroplanes
And wish upon their wings for some new days
Watch the falling stars as they carry the burden of wishes
And the night showers that part two lovers on a vacant street
Stare down at the world and watch as life goes by
Spread your wings and get ready to fly

III. Chase the stars
Talk to the moon about the ones you once knew
Tell the night sky the stories you’ve never told
And fade into the quietness as a new dream envelopes you
Think of the stars and reach out into the sky
Remember your life and search for the cold nights you used to love
Start a few fires to make the stars in your pockets feel at home
And chase after the ones you haven’t got to know.

A father to his daughter, A sister to her brother, a mother to a son, and from me to you:
“if you ever find yourself alone then follow the light of a million stars and you’ll find your way back home.”

I’d watch a thousand stars with you
Hand in hand, watch you gaze into the sun
And write your words into the sky
Look right through you into the future
Watch you grow and watch you fly

Imagine that you become your dreams  
Carry you on my shoulders when you fall
And follow you up when you want to walk
Then let you run into a sea made of a millions stars

And I’ll wait here, with my hand reaching out
If you find the darkness, then follow all the city cars
The streetlights and the moonlit faces
Think of my hand reaching out
As if we’re walking up that hill
Think of all those starry nights, and follow all the way to the sun

Lastly, be your own light in your darkest hour, and the world will be yours

How does your desire to heal foreign wounds
translate into open skies
of flaming reds and solemn blues
ready to soak up all the rain
that drizzles on the frontlines
you’ve carved along the horizon
of pain still unspoken for

and you do everything to make it yours

In one split moment, my mother had sliced open grief right in front of me, an afternoon snack she called it. She sprinkled it with salt and pepper, plating it beside the apples that were going bad. We sat on the couch, the plate between us. Someday you’ll remember me, someday you will remember the taste of peculiar things. Like the burn of the pepper when it’s paired with something sweet and ****, and you will sit in that feeling, she warned, as I am today. I ask her to tell me something interesting, to which she would laugh and say, you’re the one who leaves every day, you must have something better to share than I do. All I had was something about walking the lines of the world, with my head down. I don’t have much to fill our silences with, except that I take her soft hands, and in them are stories, many pasts, many feelings, and I hold them. Someday you’ll remember me, and on that day, you’ll split open grief, pour it into your glass of half empty and half full, burning through the day, with the taste of pepper on your tongue.

You watch as moments are surrounded by an iridescent envelope
They transform into memories that float towards the sunset sky
Colouring the shadows with their flamboyant reds,
Resting in the clouds amongst soft blues
Prismatic and vibrant as they become the entourage
That accompany the sun’s goodbye
And eventually, they're gone, light years away
Now a part of a glittering nebula somewhere far
 
The night comes charging with its sombre hues,
Decorated with stars, waiting for you
To collect your dreams and take them far
And you watch as your dreams are tied with luminous ribbons
As they float above towards a boundless sky
To meet your memories somewhere in between
And before you feel the new day arise
They become one, entangled within your mind
 
And as you recall those beautiful days,
Those minutes from another time,
your memories will meet all your dreams
And come back to you
Surrounded by a foreign fluorescence
Disguised as gifts of time.

What we’ve come to know
about being human
is to grow in phases
to take pain and grief
from the ends of the bookshelf
and to stir them into the atmosphere

breathing in and out
until the silence between each breath
was a bridge to relief

it was never to solve the puzzle in a day
or to sort through all the pieces in
a strategic manner
but to feel the joy of frustration
the strange joy of trial and error

Right at the seam of the blue lake
childhood runs through the sand
I, cautiously keep my feet on the rocks
leaving behind new footprints
laughing about what still makes us kids
leaning against the fallen tree trunks
that never abandon us to find our balance

I reach out, with both hands
and between *******
are worlds, and worlds, and worlds

I could sit by the blue waters, the ones that run seamlessly through my imagination for days. Hours, I could spend useless hours, worth millions to a lost soul just wandering down the alleyways of the darkest corners of my mind. Instead, I spend my time like I spend my money, I throw it towards spiral galaxies and treasures, but the unforgiving wind has its ways. Migraines. Those are the worst tricks of all time. Like punishments, they crawl up the sleeves of my soul and eat me alive. I feel that way a lot. Sometimes it’s not even a migraine, it just feels like one. It’s the gruelling existence of the daily hustle and bustle, the race to the top, or anything that has to do with a society that really twists my head into tangled knots. No matter how much “breathing” I do the antidote that is meditation only works for a second. I go outside to get fresh air, but once I reach the front step, I’m back to feeling crowded. Is that a feeling? What does it mean to feel? I don’t know, but you must understand. You must’ve felt it too. At least if you’re human you have, so have you? You know, I like to escape sometimes, but the mindfulness articles won’t tell you how. They’ll tell you to breathe. Like you’re doing right now. Try holding your breath. I heard it cures hiccups, well I read it an article. I read everything in an article. What I should eat, do, breathe, love, …feel…I read all that in those articles. You probably read them too. Anyways, I was talking about escape. Well for starters I like to close my eyes, and then envision the stars. I don’t see that much of them these days. Cars must breathe too, so they hide the stars away. But you’d rather get to your workplace then see the stars, right? The same place that makes your headache. Yeah, me too. I also read we are not the same, but I read that we are the same. I don’t know what to believe. I know what to believe. I hear you, but do you hear me? Am I yelling loud enough? Am I talking in my sleep? Oh, I know! I’ve been screaming this whole time, but in my head, on the bus…where I am quiet, so you can’t hear me scream. I think you can hear me; I see it in your eyes. You look sad, I am sad, we are all sad. You’ll never know though, because I posted a smiley face online, so now you think I’m happy. I saw you posted a video of you dancing the night away, your extravagant wedding, your new rooftop apartment, you’re probably happy. I heard you crying on the phone. I thought you were happy. Maybe I’m happier even though I’m sad. I think you’re sad, but that’s not what the articles say. They say you’re happy, you’re in Paris today! So, I believe them, cause that’s what I do. I’m a commoner, but that can’t be you. You have time, I spend time and you spend money. Keep spending, I read that you’ll be happy. I swear! I read it, online…you’ll be happy, I swear.

there it was,
the whole world
at your fingertips
and yet you chose
all the roads of broken glass
and abandoned winds
to plant this pain
in places that ache
for new trees
right here in this home
in this silenced soul
in these tired bones
somehow you chose
to walk with me instead
of running ahead

there it was,
all that I know
about love

Dish soap-soaked hands
Dreams stuck to the bottom of these ***** pots
I wash and dry
still thinking about the rain in September And holding onto drops of July
Silence, a gentle hum, an occasional cough my eyes fixed on searching for all those planets
And blue moons
But never making it past the windowpane home to reflections of an unrecognizable face

I revel in how fast this life changes
and how much I miss the rain

Her stale lips were ripped of faith
Her tears were just mere stains
Left in the drought of her ashy skin
The life in her eyes was escaping with every drop of water
The water was as hot as fire
Like the dreams she wishes she dreamt
But those Were her nightmares in daylight
If it wasn't for her soft reflection
She'd be floating
Her thoughts cloud the world
As she pulls the grip of her dreams
Away from the sleepiness in the air
She was an insomniac
Who could only dream

A savoury taste lingers on the sailor’s tongue,
As he reaches out into the angry waves
To pull the moonlight from it’s rays
And winds its threads around a spool
Through the night he stays awake
Rapidly sewing together his dreams
He finds himself searching for a lighthouse built from his insecurities

But a fluorescent light dances above,
Far beyond a silver lining,
Left behind by a frozen voice
Of a past self lost in the eye of a hurricane.

Words fall asleep on my tongue
Too tired to reach the edge of my lips
So they wake up and head back to my beating heart

I sit here hoping you don’t feel my silence
Because if you happen to be listening
Then I am afraid of what I might tell you

A trace of light
That's all you and I look for
when those mountains fade
behind descended clouds
and that ache in our shoulders
crumbles under the fire of this rain

the moon and all its pieces
lost to all these thoughts
you and me, the same and most different awake and restless
the silver lining of this charcoal moon
is getting harder to find

until comes this eruption of warmth
and a storm of pattering fear
that if I start counting seconds
you might disappear
so, I guess it goes without saying
everything you've always known

these nights go by in wonder
of how to build you a home

purple, yellow bruises
from playing outside
and picking up pebbles
to throw at tomorrow
and chase it away
the sky was never blue
as we never had enough strength
to look up past our little heads
engulfed in the wonders of chalk and road
when secrets were worth flower petals
and flew away with the wind
unlike the ones we hold today
with aching shoulders
and burning pains
from looking up and only up
and witnessing how fast
these colours change
terracotta, navy, to grey
as all these pebbles wash away

Ok, it’s time that I tell you the truth
It’s the smallest of things
But the biggest of news
And I know you’ve been at your edge
Eagerly waiting for me to forget
It’s the smallest of secrets
Nothing insane
But it might just save another day
So when the rain falls
And you call my name
I’ll tell you the smallest of things
The words that whither when untouched
The words that flaunt way too much
The words that people throw anywhere
The words so small that you might not even care
But they’re the smallest of things
That hold the biggest of truths
I surrender from hiding so I’ll say them too soon
And if you can catch my whisper to you
Then one day I’ll say it, I love you
It’s the smallest of things written for you.

When the spring winds fell into my lap
and my stride began to fatigue
and the taste of new days
often soaked in reminiscence
became too difficult to stomach
I tied the skyline around my soul
and made curtains from the sun
to shade the windows from the grey
of afternoon storms
when all the speeding and whirling
thoughts fall into my lap
they intertwine with a breeze
drifting from place to place

The sun would never tell me
What I had to lose
I let its rays burn me
And deepen every bruise
I would still sit in the summer days
Wondering when winter
Would come and let me lay,
On the dead grass
On cold afternoons
I laid there freezing
Wondering when the sun would come through
But wondering was my weakness
And the weather was my foe
I couldn’t help but feel it
Underneath my toes
As the rocks dig into my skin
I looked upon the horizon
Letting the sun sink in
To once again be burned by another year
Passing through the cosmos
Fuelling my every fear
I lived in a quiet place that rapidly grew
But the windows kept me bounded
And the sun was there too

These sounds of silence
Rumble and roar
I’m in a constant state of questioning
Asking what love is,
Filling in the gaps between all my questions
With the things we saved for March
Relishing in the idea of spring
And what it means to bloom
Peeling away at citrus,
Reaching for the plums and nectarines
In the icebox, scarfing down cooled melon
Picking at peonies and daffodils
Thinking about tea but hating its taste
I was never a morning person
But the sun these days is so new

But it’s when the winter creeps back
And I awake to a morning frost
Bits of past, pieces of December
Pine trees and heating cars
I remember the worth of remembering
And the reality of how time moves
And how all these questions
Sprinkle down with snow, rain,
sun rays, or leaves
never leaving, never eased
only knowing that I don’t know
and that seasons don’t return; they just pass

It was when the stars fell that I knew
I would never see the ocean blue
And when the sun stole my gaze
My eyes couldn't see the days
When the night was cloudy and greyed
Since then I never felt the breeze
Of sunset leaving me unseen
But the truth lies in the eyes of the sea
Where there is no place for me
Because I live in the winter greys
But breathe in the summer days
And in no world could I be two
Unless if I was with you

They called me a pessimist
And I guess I am
I mean it's true
But it's not my fault that the autumn days are dark
Whispering harshly in the night
Ripping leaves off of trees
Leaving them limp and bare to survive winter
The little winds foreshadow the coming brutal storms
That leave us cold in terror
But the breeze is so powerful
It numbs my skin like a drug
Keeps my blood rushing, wanting more
And my eyes are pleased to see the rainfall of the leaves
From branches of clouds
So beautiful
Then comes the holidays and cremed cocoas
The laughter and the dazzling crisp snow
One true pessimist
They call me but I'll go with it and let it go

The Voices of the Earth

I yearn to speak the words that sit on the tip of your tongue

I know I’ve hurt your waters, your leaves
I’ve left my mess on your shoulders, and weighed you down
I’ve taken all your fruit, all your hidden rivers
And in return I’ve given you the empty bottles that float in your arms
I’ve choked your beautiful dwellers
I’ve stolen their homes, I’ve set your trees on fire to make more room for my own
I’ve used your fields for torture, I’ve left innocent blood on your land
I’ve filled your skies with thick black smoke, and stolen your emerald blues
And now you’re starting to break, as I search for another place
I’ve denied your sickness, I’ve silenced your birds from telling the truth

And now...
I yearn to speak the words on the tip of your tongue
The ones we can barely hear, because you’re too ill, and time towers over your soul as you croak
“Let me live another year”

The winds have run away from us
Sailboats and feelings of incompleteness
Are now what we call home
Blue skies kiss the scabs on my knees
I've fallen many times while you were ahead of me
The distance stretches its limbs into the unknown
And I follow the quiet heartbeat
reverberating through my bones

If you listen closely, its reciting those words
And promises I once made to my broken self
It tells me all about my journey across the vast strait
That drains into the storm-loved sea
That bubbles and roars under my skin
I walk through fires and biting forests
As I make my way through everything that I fear

I walk these steps, holding you near
Prayers for you on my tongue
Evaporate into the open breeze
Carrying the hope that you make it through
Everything that obstructs your peace

I’ve been running away
Painting burning wood
With colours I’ve never seen
Hoping that when you’ll find them
It’ll be in a dream

I’ve been looking around
Trying to find a couple stars
To take home to the skies
But the ones on the ground
They never glow, they just wear a smile
And give you hope

I’ve been dreaming of hope
Somewhere in the walls of history
Where bricks never crumble
Because they’re made to be
Holding on for someone that’s lost at sea

I’ve been searching everyday
For the map inside your bones
To guide me through your bloodstream
And bring me to your home
The place you like to wander to
When you’re out of the zone

Wherever that is, take me there
I bet the colours are a wonder
Because inside your mind
I’ve found a life, a place to run to
A place to hide,
And inside your heart
I’ll leave my dreams hoping that when the
Walls come down
You’ll keep holding on
And I’ll be found

I twist this discomfort between my fingers thinking of how to find the places I would be holding onto maps of all my searches
If I was in this world, by myself
where would I be but under the weight of it all?
Sinking into loss, folding all these thoughts and packing them away
trying to pinpoint the moments
in which I could define love
The falsehood of this bravery
grasps onto my steps, forwards and backwards
I keep walking in the same spot
sitting among moments and memories
and everything I've yet to define
knowing, however, that I recognise love
and everything it is
since the moment I could breathe
it's been in the spaces between my mother's fingers
waiting for me

I don’t think I could tell you of ease
But I see you across from this sea in between
Shifting in your seat, nursing a dull ache
I know that feeling all too well
But I don’t want to tell you about it
In case I may come across insensitive
Because I’m trying not to shift this center of gravity
We both share in desperation
And tip us over the edge
We didn’t dare to wonder about
But I never learned to swim
And this sea in between
is filling up my lungs
When did it get so hard to breathe?
I call after you, under my shallow breath
I see you for everything  
Hoping you see me too
But this heavy air we drink
Settles in your shadow and mine
It spells out gracefully
That the spaces between us
Are built out of love
And so, we go on
Paving distances
For these descending clouds

First I nurse the realization
That this pain will echo
And in all my attempts to grasp it
And keep it close to my lungs
It weaves itself into my breath
And spills out into the open
Seeping into the damp earth
Whistling between the fog
Sinking among the morning dew
And slowly creeping it’s way close to you
My hands are far too unstable
To offer you some peace
I’d give you my bones and everything
That I thought I could be
I would wrap it in the flowers
That we wished for our garden
But this pain it’s too unpredictable
It leaps away from me
It touches anyone who dares
To give me a moment of their time
and when they tell me they are sorry
We both begin our decline
This grief, she sits at the table
It’s never just you and I
This pain it always echoes
Bouncing between your words
And mine

Somewhere in all the mixing
of these herbs and spices
I was caught in a scent of remembering
the way my mother crushes
crushed black pepper
because it is never fine enough
And the way she closes her eyes
sprinkling in salt, cayenne, cumin...
never measured, never the same
Just hands with so much to remember
hands with so much weight
holding the past and present
holding our hair and the house,
holding her pain and my pain
holding a ladle and my hand
smiling and laughing
I chase her down for a hug
as she runs from one *** to another
we giggle and giggle,
and the flame feels cold
unparalleled to her warmth

Thoughts of you rain down with the falling sky
Onto my skin, it soaks it in
Thoughts of you take the shape of water
Then transform into paper boats
And drown in our conversations
My memory becomes subject to erasure
You extract poetry from forgotten moments
Thoughts of you hold my hand when I’m lost
And mold into a compass when I’m in need
of remembering something that was good for me

with frayed edges
a little realization sits in the midst
of the ripples in the river
floating toward the unsuspecting  
like us, when we are caught up
in our best moments
until those frayed edges
momentarily
barely brushing against our skin
leaving each hair standing straight
and the absence of being
the absence of existing
and the absence of those
now far gone
sits with us, here,
with frayed edges