Drink some water
Eat something
Write a poem
Take a walk
Just sit there and exist for a moment

It’s okay
Nothing really matters anyway

It hurts the most when it's the people who were supposed to bandage the wounds
Protect you from the monsters
And be a rock for you
Unconditionally
And forever
to lean on
End up being one
That just falls on you
Again and again
Until each bone is broken
And you can't move
Not dead yet
But you are just
Bleeding out slowly

Every little rejection
Every "I can't"
"Maybe"
Feels like I opened my chest
Giving them access to my heart
And they took it out
Twisted it
And put it back in bleeding

Date her
Kiss her
Marry her
She deserves a be happy after all

Just don't crack her anymore
She might shatter

Some people
Are choking back tears
Always

I am not a psychic
But I have common sense

Before the idea of getting a dog was in your head
I knew you would lose it

Before we even knew you would kick us out of the house
I know it would turn into a junkyard in your hands

Before the divorce was even official
I knew you would have a girlfriend the first year after or already had one before (still figuring that out)

Before we went on that last trip
I dreamed this would all happen

Before you went to meet your therapist
I already know you fed her lies

And people tell me not to worry when I say I know what happens next
And it's not pleasant

I fear
We are being striped
Of our uniqueness
And individuality
For when I look around
The crowded classroom
I see sameness
Or at least
Many, many masks

Clothes
Interests
Speech
Ideas
And beliefs

Are we all
Becoming a blur
Of fakeness
Or are we all
Ever so different
when we're not performing?

I suppose that is why
The openly different
Seem to feel so alone and estranged

I am all one for unity
But I just see maks
Unless I look very hard
And see a tiny twinkle in someone's eye
And I close my eyes
Focus
And listen hard
I think
I might hear some silent screams
...
I guess it's true
And they aren't truly happy

Yes
I may have not saved the world
There are many still suffering
Many still dying
Many still crying

But
I'm proud to say
I have saved A world

I have saved that street cat's world
I have saved that person's world
Who knows
I could have saved a stranger's world

Yes
I didn't save the whole wide world
There are too many problems to solve alone
Even so
I have saved a world
The world for one
And that's enough

Shove those feelings
Deep inside you
Dance
Remember to smile
Is it okay to look down?

Fear? Anxiety? Doubt?
Save it for later
Can't let it out now

Just so what she does
She seems to know
Hands up then
Hands low now

Shove it all down
Save it for later
Now it's just bubbling
But I know soon
It will boil over

When people enter my room now
I corner myself to the edge of the bed
And get ready to cover my ears
Like a scared dog
And scared dogs
Aren’t scared of everything because they’re wimpy
They’re scared because they had to be

Even when people get disappointed
The child cries because he didn’t get to pet it
The owner looks at it with pity
But the dog feels it mist continue

though not violent
It will bark
And though not in danger
It will whimper

Not because it’s wuss
But because they can’t truly trust everyone
After their first owner
After those horrors
No one it’s at the back of its cage
Scared

Hands covered in scars
And I know
It's my fault

I wonder
Who could ever love them?
They are just a reminder
Of what I've done
And that isn't beautiful
At all

Blood isn't beautiful
Injuries aren't beautiful
Especially when I'm the cause

People
Want
Perfect

But I want to be loved like a hot pepper
For my flaws
Even when they aren't pleasant
Or beautiful

Unfortunately
I'm not a vegetable

You arrive at the second-hand store
You try some things on
You have no idea who has worn them before
It could have been a devil
It could have been a saint
But it doesn't matter
You take it anyway

You wear it for some time
Maybe years maybe days
It could be too small now
Or maybe stained
Maybe you throw it out
Or return to its place
At the second-hand store
Where the next person
has no idea who has worn it before
But it doesn't matter
They buy it anyway

Something I did
When I was younger
While I was feeling good
Was I would send my future self love
For when I needed it most
For when things were just too much
I would tap the back of hand
And it was sent
And to receive it
I just had to tap again
And though there's no way
That a little movement of hand could do so much
But it really felt that way
At least I was there for me
And that was a comfort

To all of you
That are hurting
I wish I could soothe you
Give you a hug
And tell you that you're not alone

Unfortunately, we are all
Through a screen
On the deepest
Smallest
Most beautiful place in the internet
And I can't hug you

I am trying my best
Willing my brain and my heart
To send you some comfort
And some love
Even when you feel unlovable

I hope that when you look up at the stars
Or the morning moon
You remember
All the others on here
So saw it too

Breath
You're okay

In
...
Out

Tap your left hand with your right
Like I just did now

Maybe
This is how
Even if someone of us are
Far
Far away ?

Google describes it as
"A delightful and positive term often associated with unexpected discoveries and fortunate outcomes. "

And It's true
You are delightful
After all
My dearest serendipity

"Oh
But I lie!"
You say

"Oh,
but I steal!"
You try

But oh
Dearest serendipity
I love every "flaw"
I love you with every mistake you made
And will ever make
Because YOU made that mistake
It is YOURS
And it is therefore extraordinary

And you hate your body
But for me that just seems...
Strange, wrong
Because I love it
Even though I haven't really seen it that much YET
Or hugged it YET
But I do love it
Because it is YOURS
It takes care of YOU
It holds YOUR soul
And one day
Which I swear will come
When we're walking
And I lose you for a moment in a crowd
The sign of relief I'll make
Will be because I saw YOUR body
And it's beautiful
Because it's YOURS
And you are magic
Which means it is too
And one day
In my wholesome, not-stalkerish manner
I will hug it in all its glory
In it's perfection
Because I wouldn't have it any other wayi

And yes yes
You came with some unexpected discoveries too
For one thing
I now know what things like
"Canning" are
And now, because of you, I also know of the little spiky things that stick to you in small America
I also know they ****

But it's not just that
You made me discover how different two people can be
While still simultaneously
Being the same
While simultaneously being
Dare I say,
Two of a kind?

Yes, I do dare
Because you convinced me to
You convince me to try
To keep the razor down
And you say you believe in me
And every time you do
The words going through my mind are
"Serendipity
Serendipity
Serendipity"

And don't even get me started on "fortunate outcomes"
Because every outcome
That includes my dearest serendipity
Is fortunate
Even the ones that don't work out
Because you're there

You've never failed me
For as long as I've known of your existence
You say you do, a lot
But never have you
Even once

Because just knowing
That you're out there
And that you see the same moon
Sky
Sun
Is enough
My dearest, dearest, serendipity

I didn't know I needed you
No one did
They just gave me yet another therapist
Another kind of pill
Each bigger than the last
But I just needed them to prescribe you
But they couldn't because
As serendipity does
You seemed to just appear
And change my life for the better
Completely and utterly

Who would've known
That some country girl
26 days away
A writer
THE queen of sas
The beauty
nThe mater deep thinking and eye rolling
Would save my life
I didn't, certainly
But the universe did, I suppose
And it gave me a present a month ago
It arrived with a caution sticker on it saying
"Magical, perfect, sasy"
And I thought it would just be one of those random packages
But little did I know
She would save myself
Be my reason to breathe

A month ago
Little did I know
I was just provided
With serendipity

The best gift on earth you are
And I'm so grateful
My dearest,
Dearest,
Serendipity

Some people let themselves see the world black and white and I understand why
Good, or bad person is easy to say
But a scientific fact is that there are 65,534 shades of gray
Take a moment to think of that if you may

So when I go in the that therapy office and one of the first things I hear is
“You know your dad isn't a **** person, Ay?”
What I want to say is he is one of those shades of gray
Only what I do is a polite smile and nod, waving it away

Some things can't even be measured
No matter the time and effort
So is he even a shade of gray?
To wrack your brain out, in addition to the tiresome day

Some people let themselves see the world black and white, and I understand why
Saves so much energy and confusion
And maybe they were partially right
For the ones who can save themselves, this might be the best way

Showing people I know my poetry
Is like taking out my insides
My most vulnerable feelings
And giving them a bow and arrow
Just hoping they won't shoot

It's like leaving a prescious item
In the open
Just waiting to be stolen
Or destroyed
It could happen any moment

I remember when 2nd grade
We had a lockdown
But I had so much to say
So much that I felt it very hard to stay silent

I wanted to know why someone would try and shoot us
And why turning off the lights would stop them

But Mrs jones had just shook her head
And shoved a lollypop in my mouth
(I didn't say another word)

I wish I could do that to my head
It won't shut up

Nose clogged
Like my brain

Throat hurting
Like my heart

Body weak
Like my social skills

Head aching
Kind of like me

"Here, have a piece."

"Okay, but just a little one. I'm not hungry."

He hands me a half of the pastry
I rip off a third of that
And eat it
Even though I don't want to
I just don't want to make him mad

I hand back the rest of it

"Finish it"
He pushes

"I can't, I'll feel sick"
I explain

"Please Liana
It's not that much"
He tries

"But it'll make me throw up"
I plead

"It won't. Eat it."
He says

I can feel the rubber band pulling
His anger stretching
I'm afraid he'll snap

I eat the rest of it
And feel sick the whole day

Didn't eat lunch or dinner
And never again
Will be willing to eat that pastry

Don't ask me
Why I don't want to go out to eat with you
You ruined it for yourself

Nausea
Headache

Tiredness
Yet inability to sleep

I know that it's the price
For a better life
But will it be?
Could this all be for nothing?

Will this tiny little pill
Really change anything?

All it's done so far
Made things worse

Please
Let this be worth it

One of the best feelings ever
Is when I finally
Get to be alone
And feel the relief of removing the mask
Of a normal, calm person

I can let out the breath
I didn't even know I was holding
And I can finally be
The weird specimen
That is me

I was planning to
I really wanted to
I wanted her to know
I wanted to be able to tell her
About why I bleed
And about my father
But my mouths betrays me
It refuses to say these things outloud
Why?

Just say it
I tell myself
You describe it so well in your head
Why can't you speak it?
Why did you stay silent?

Now the moment is over
Once again
You said nothing
And still
No one knows

Not even your closest of friends
Why?
You want them to know
You want to lighten the load
They can speak it so well outloud
They trusted me
Why can't I trust them?
I can
But I won't

Tears roll down my cheeks
She's asleep
She doesn't see
And if she would
I wouldn't even be able to tell her why
How sad is that?

Die
Hmm
Am I putting it in this poem just so it will ryme?
Or because that's what I want to do
But no
I don't
I can't
And I won't
I shouldn't let myself think such thoughts

I missed my chance to be open
I missed my chance to Infront of people
For what feels like the first time in a long time
I missed my chance to show them
All the reasons why
Because my mouth can't express
All that I need to express
Like poetry

Silent Screams
In my head
My heart
My mind
My bones
Almost constantly

They’re quiet enough
That while standing right next to me
You hear nothing
But loud enough
That it’s all I can hear

There are very few
That listen to them
And more so
Understand them
Maybe even have their own

I know most
Don't hear them
Through the walls,
Through the bathroom stalls
Or at all

But they are so loud to me
That sometimes
All I can do
Is sit there
Tears rolling down my cheeks
Begging the monsters
(or maybe just me?)
To calm down

I sit on a tree stump
And stare at the sky
Look at the stars
And reach out to mine

Music filling my heart
My jacket beside me
I like the uncomfortable cold

I wave at planes going by
They say "goodbye new jersey" in their waves
And I say back
"Goodbye"
They don't even know it

Shivering
Crying
Looking lost and strange to any stranger
Yet I feel so free

Once when I was around 6 years old
I was ******
At my teacher
So I went and sat under the slide
And I wouldn't move
Even after the whistle was blown
And after my teacher yelled at me some more
And my friend joined me
And then left
And until they say they would call my mom
And that they were disappointed in me
I still sat
That was all I could do at my age to protest
And I did until I felt I had made my impact
Then I got up silently
And went in line
With a smile of satisfaction
And the reminisce of tears on my cheeks

Now
When I'm ******
I sit there
Clenching my fists
And do nothing else
(Outside of my head)

I wish I would be more like 6 year old me
Honestly

There's a bump there
On my skin
I need to peel it off
It's making mad
I scratch at it
Pinch it
And then rip it off

What have I done?!
I think as blood starts gushing out
I am such pain but I have to keep a straight face

I knew I was doing it
I knew I was picking at it
But then again, I didn't at the same time

I hide my injury
But it hurts terribly
I want to keep it a secret
But it's killing me
I need them to know
So that they can stop me
Because as much as I hate to admit it
I am not in control of me

After it bleeds
It is a scab
And it's taller then the rest of my skin
I need to pick it off
Once again

And when I do
It bleeds again
I am mad once more
At myself
For I did not stop my urge somehow
Like I promised myself I would

And this time
It comes back as a scar
And it taunts me for the rest of my life
A living portrait of my mistake
That gives me a look of judgement
Whenever I dare to glance at it

As you close your eyes
And slow your breathing
I long to finally be let free
More and more

I am desperate
I just want to sing and to scream
To escape the pressure
And to be something other than a darkness following you around constantly

Finally, you are taken over by sleep
And I am released
I can do anything
But as soon as I leave
I hear your silent screams

“Help me!” You try
Eyes closed
Heart open and out on your sleeve
Helpless
In danger
Without my protection

I don’t get very far
Only have a few seconds of being separate
Being myself
And just myself
But soon enough
You need me
And I can’t ignore your plea

So instead of roaming and screaming and exploring the world
I cover you
Everywhere
And keep the monsters away
All night

Yiu never know I’m there
Or appreciate me
I am your shadow
Just darkness in light
Just a blank figure of you

I just want to be me
Even if it’s just while your asleep

I want to do something
But I can't seem to do anything
I just sit on the couch
Cat on my lap
Blanket over me
And read

Everything I write
Right now
I feel isn't complete

I want to get up
And walk with my music outside
But I'm tired
Why is this so hard for me?

There are so many people in this world
That feel lonely
And most of the time
We tend to get along
There are so many of us
And yet
Here we are
Alone
Wishing for someone to care
To ask us questions
And wanting to be the one asking

There are so many of us
But we can't seem to find eachother
So here we are
Lonely

Is the saying
"Someone always has it worse"
Really supposed to be comforting?

I don't like to think about
How my pain
Sometimes doesn't compare to other's suffering
When mine already feels like hell

"Someone always has it worse"
Does that make anyone feel better?
To be belittled and then told that someone else is more miserable than you?

I hope not
Because it's terrible that it's true

But I guess I hope so
If it's true that it helps you

While I laugh
Someone is crying

While I dance
Someone just found out they lied

While I can't sleep on my bed
Someone wishes they had a blanket

While I eat
Someone starves

While I walk
Someone loses their parent

While I live
Someone dies

When I remember,
I wish them to feel better
I send them some of my momentary joy
Because maybe
That's how miracles are born

I look around the full gym
Full of souls
Hundreds and hundreds of them
Sitting on bleachers

And I remember something crazy
I don't know **** about any of them

Every single one
Has problems
Thoughts
Feelings
Beliefs
And a life
And I don't know it

I wonder how many people's parents
Provided them with trauma
And how many provided them with care and love

I decided that I didn't like most of them
When I only saw their outside
I only  saw their carefully sculpted masks

How dare I?

I broke a glass
It fell on the floor
Shattered into little pieces
Scattered everywhere
I said sorry to it
But the glass is still broken
Hmm
Interesting

I step on the floor
Got a piece of the glass in my foot
Throbbing pain
I said sorry it
But my foot sill bled
So odd

Dad,
One apology isn't enough
I'm still broken and bleeding

Maybe take out some super glue
It might improve my condition a little
But I will never truly be the same

"I'm sorry"
"Why are you sorry"
"My peices are making a mess"
"I'm okay with mess"

Maybe I'm so used
To the oblivious
That it's strange for me
To see the people who notice
And care

Is that why
When you asked me questions
I froze?

It's not that I don't want you to know
I just can't believe it
And don't expect it

I just need a moment
To shake it off
Before I tell

I'm sorry
I couldn't answer
I really didn't mean
To make you feel
Like you made me feel uncomfortable

I'm used to the ones
Who don't ask questions
And just ignore
Not the ones
Who think

Its hard for me
To speak about these things
Sorry

Work I have to do
Piling up
Making no room for thinking
Or peace
Or quiet in my brain

Tests
So many
I learn nothing from them
Yet I sacrifice the things that keep me alive
For those report cards
With an A as a grade

I beg
And sob
And plead to my mother
To let me stay home
Because have barely slept in days
My brain no longer functions
And that despite my medication
My panic stays

I didn't have time for reading
Or smiling
Or poetry
And for that last one
I'm sorry

Tomorrow I will try harder to read everyone's poems
And write some of my own

But for today
It's 10:30pm and I still have two tests, history homework, eating, and a shower to take take care of

You know when you spill water and get upset only to hear someone say, “it's just water!”
It doesn't matter, water, pineapple juice, or milk I'm still soaked and need to change
The fact that what I spilled happened to be water doesnt make me less clumsy
It doesn't make my fingers less sweaty
It doesn't make it okay
“It's just water” they say
I’d be just as clumsy holding milk in my hand
What would you say if I spilt milk?
But if I spilt water, it's okay
If shes my daughter, it's okay


This isn't about spilt milk

Why have fireworks
When you can see the stars?
They by themselves have so much light

Why have fireworks?
All I could see in the sky on new years
Was gray

Stars are out of our control
Something us humans haven't yet touched
They are beautiful
And far away
And we get to see them
That is something to celebrate

Why have fireworks
Man-made
And loud
Things to blow up

When you could see the stars instead?

Whenever I remember
I look up at the sky
And remind myself that the stars are there
Even in daylight
So there's no need to cry

Some watched a movie
While the one I wanted to be awake was asleep

I thought to myself
"Really?
This is how you want the year to be?"

I wanted to start my year off walking
And running
And letting music move me
Which is the very best
And most infinite feeling

I want my year
To feel like my walks

They were whining about so many little things
They forgot why we were doing this

They forgot
How this is a congrats
For completing
The **** year
That was 2024

When a better time
To thinks about that
Then when high feeling
This powerful
Amazing way?

Please don't leave
Don't leave the world to spin without you
All ****** up and beautiful
Because Daisy needs you to scratch her ****
With it's majestic hair
And the little twirl at the end of it
Many more times

Don't leave this stunning disaster
Because there are so many queerphobs
Left un-twerked on
Without your **** in their stupid little faces

Yes, your mother will miss you
Yes, the people who caused the very pain you're experiencing will make some sappy fake Snapchat post about how they hope you rest in peace
Yes, your dog will be confused
I know you know that

I know you have heard the phrase
"It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem"
Everyone has
They shove it in your face as soon as they show you the word
"Suicide"
But yet
720,000 people are taken by it each year
So clearly these words are to no avail
Because when you're sitting in front of everything deadly you own
Feeling so much yet nothing at all
What they told you at a school function that one time that was kind of obvious may not come to mind
But anything that helps you put them away
Or at least save them for another day
Means everything

So can you stay
To stroke your horse again?
To finish your sketchbook?
To burn your math work?

Can you stay simply because firefighters with abs exist?
Because of the free **** website that's somehow not blocked on school computers?
To take a run and finally get the relief of feeling it all?

****
"You're too young to die"
If that doesn't do **** for you
Can you please stay here because you have the free will to go on Amazon and look at the reviews for speedos?

It's selfish to keep you here for me
I know I'm not enough
I can't help you as much as I wish I could
Though if you left me to spin on this **** globe without you
I can say that there's a good chance
in the end there will be more than one tragedy

You're right
Maybe laughing might not make you less tired of living
But what if
Like you said
We could just sit there and feel hurt
Because we deserve to after everything

When I'm in that place
Of such deep, strong pain
The last thing I want
Is to search my brain for people that love me
And see that I'm alone in the world
I don't want you to ever have to

I wish I could steal your pain
But I can't
All I can do is pull more words out of my ***
And if you let me,
Hug you

You are such an great friend
And if you ever want more
I have so many words
And I will write you more poems
1000 more if that's what it takes
Because you need to stay

You deserve to live
Really live
I wish you believed me
Please
Please
Stay

I know I'm not enough to keep you here
But I will keep on trying anyways
Because even though you may not care about yourself anymore
I do

It's not enough I know
I'm sorry
I wish I could do more
But every little thing that helps you matters
So can you please maybe just stay
Because sometimes when people laugh they do the thing where they hold the other person momentarily?
That beautiful human thing

Can you stay because the clouds are still moving?
Because even in daylight the stars are there?
Because your dog's ******* expands when he barks?
Because when you're drowning
I promise to always help you out of the water?

Can you stay simply because of trees?
Because your heart beats?
Because the show you're watching has a new season coming out?

Stay because life does this thing
Where is pushes you right to the edge
And then shows you something wonderful
That is just enough to keep you here?

For me that has been poetry, you, the person I told you about in Oklahoma, walking with music, and dancing in the rain
And I know that there will be more
If I let there be
And same goes for you
There will be wonderful things you have yet to see
Wonderful people you have yet to love
People that have yet to love you
Please let them
Stay

Dear friend,
Yes I'm being intense I know
Yes I'm writing a pathetic *** poem for you
Yes I know that these words probably don't mean anything
But I need to anyways
And I will continue for as long as I live if it helps you even the slightest bit
Because you need to stay
Okay?
Please stay

A sticky note
Where I'm supposed
to write what I learned today
But the thing is
I learned nothing

I stood up from my chair in class
With anger and passion and pain in my eyes and my soul waiting to be let out and to be freed
To be seen
And heard
For ideas
For minds to be change
I stood up from my chair in English class
And I spoke from my soul

I said what wasn't fair
That we are so molded by our surroundings
That we should reform so much
That our minds are being filled with unnecessary knowledge and unbearable pain everyday
That we are looked down upon
That we are treated as possessions
But that we alive
All of us

I spoke of the fisher
Who killed the fish
So it would float and follow the stream
And of monsters in our minds that our peers are luring out every day

And the kids laughed
And I think I saw a tear in one eye
But I also heard the sounds of clapping hands from most

And my teacher simply said
"Liana, I can't do much and I know that
Buy I thank you
For trying to change the world"

I smiled

Once should have been enough
"Stop
...
Please stop"

I shouldn't have to say it 11 times
I shouldn't have to count
Yell
Or cry
Still to no avail
You're truly blind

"Stop"
It should be enough
To say once

Maybe I shouldn't even have to say it at all
Maybe he should have learned these simple things by now
Nevertheless
I need to

"Stop"
I try

"Stop"
I sob
...
It's in vain

The sky looks like them---
Just waiting to burst out in tears
Scream
And collapse

So mad at myself
Completely freaked out
Fighting back tears
How could I forget
I can't fail this
This counts as a test
Crap

I just forgot piece of paper
A stupid
Important price of paper

I need to go to the bathroom
Get out of class
I can't let myself have an anxiety attack here
Now
But my teacher banned bathroom visits
Too many kids vaping

I ****
I can't fail English
I won't
It's my best subject
AHHHH

I repeat in my head
A grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade
It's not that big of a deal
But my stupid amygdala decides otherwise

I even can't focus on the parts I can do anymore
I feel dead
I'm done

Close chromebook
Dig nails into my hands
...
Ow
...
I deserve it

Red lines appear

Open favorite poetry book
Absorb words
May be heartbreaking
But
In a different way---
I don't feel alone

Soon enough
The buzz of the bell releases me
To a new hell