Focus harder!
If I could I-
Try harder!
If I could I-
Start talking to people more!
If I could I-
Stop crying!
If I could I-
Stop doing that!
If I could I-
Be more productive!
If I could I-
Stop picking your skin
I really wish I could but-

I've known him forever
I hate to be reminded of things that he did
And said

I hate when my head
Compares
Contrasts
Remembers him

But the problem is
I see him in everything
For he is my father

When I do things
I hear him
With his opinions
Manipulations
And I want to please him

I feel him watching me
Judging
Listening
It makes me angry

He is in my blood
My bones
No matter what I do

He's in my memories
My hometown
My mind

He haunts me all the time

He thinks I should want to see him
That being my father is enough
I let him down easy
I'm too scared to be tough
He might go crazy

Let me ask you a question:

If a room is dark
And you turn on a light
Is the room still dark?

Everyone I ask
Tells me it's now light
But they're assuming
That lightness
Overweighs the darkness

What if the darkness
Is just too strong?
What if the light
Is too dim?
A nightlight of sorts
In a big forest

Or maybe
Both answers are right
And it just depends where you draw the line

Isolation contaminates my entire being until I'm nothing but a smelly lump underneath blankets trying to hide from scary thoughts

But somehow I'm already there and it still eats me

He’d call me into the bathroom
Pinch my arm
Or find cut on my skin
And rub alcohol on it
“Doesn’t that feel good, Liana?”
He’d say

I knew I only had one option
And that was to say yes

I don't like things to end

Today I met up with some friends
We had a good time
Playing board games and laughing
It was fun
And soon
It was over
It would be another week
Until I'd see them again
But in the meantime
I'd feel like I had no friends
So I left their house
With a heavy heart
Going back in time to when I was a little girl
Begging my mother in tears
"Just five more minutes, please!"
But now I just had to deal
It was over
And that was it
Sadness eating me
I wished I enjoyed it more when it happened

At the store
When I tried on clothes
I felt like I wanted to cry
Not because I really was ugly
(Just a moment ago I was told I was beautiful)
But because
The mirror I looked at
And the lights surrounding it
Made me think that way

You're not ugly
Your mirror is tricking you

You're not stupid
You're a beautiful bird asked to swim in a swamp

You're not unlovable
The people around you are just toxic and don't know how good you are

I want to cry
sob
And scream

But I'll have to wait until morning
To do those things
Because people can hear me now

I want a kind person to see me struggling
Not by me showing them
But by simply observing
And care
And ask if they can help
Sometimes they can
And sometimes they can't
But that itself
Is enough for my heart

I have the urge to be one of the poetic person the universe has seen;
To show up to somebody's house unannounced with their favorite flowers and poems and chocolates so we can kiss in the rain and so we can talk about the very fact that despite the odds being against us, we both live in the same world at the same time

I want to send long handwritten letters
Ask what their love language is
Hold everyone's hand
And make sure everyone knows that my shoulder is theirs to lean on

I want to walk up a stranger who looks like someone Id want to be friends with
And ask to be penpals

I want to send people every song that reminds me of them
And write them poems about the conversations we had

I want to write all over bathroom stalls
To make every person feel so so loved
And ever so precious

Why is that so strange in our modern day world?

I cannot seem to be able
To unwrap the vines of pain from me
After all
It's in my name

I would do anything
Give anything
To make this bad
Heavy feeling
Be lifted

I would call a plane
And a crane
To get it off my heart
If that's what it takes

I want to feel better already

The time is moving too slow
And too fast
All at once
Who is messing with the clock?
Is it a monster living in the walls
Or is it living in my head?

The vines get tighter
The more I want them to loosen

Are they the problem
Or is it me?
What's the difference
I can't see

It doesn't matter
Get them off of me

I want to feel better already

Bad feeling
Creeping up on me
I want to escape
But it's taking me

Unexpected
Kind of like a sharp pain
Except with depression

I looked in to meds
I think I need them
When can I receive them?
I want to feel better already

Why don't I have friends?
Why is all I could do on a Saturday
Sit there
With my cat
And waste my time in some way or another?

When the distraction takes a break
Anxiety
Depression
They grab me
Pull me

"No, let me go!"
I shout

It doesn't
Ruthless and red eyed
They have taken me away

They have suddenly grabbed any pleasant feeling
And crumbled it before me

"No!"
I sob

I want to feel better already

Up in the attic
With my paints
And my rage
I was the canvas
Filled with color

Splats of red
I needed to
How else could I symbolize you?

Blue and orange
And purple and green
All trying you make sense of me

Little hints of yellow
For even then
When I could forget
I could experience momentary joy

I was that canvas
Because yes,
My head is overwhelming
And crazy
And angry
But it can also be beautiful

I was that canvas,
Abstract
And messy
Which some say isn't even art
And some say is wonderful

I was was that canvas

But wait
...
Wasn't I also the painter?

When things get to be to much
I change my perspective
I am no longer there
In the place
Or with the people causing me stress

Im simply observing
For my own pleasure
In some way
Like I have the controller
To a video game
I am always playing
But I'm not in

Somewhere over the rainbow
There's peace
I just need to find someone
Any kind person
To take the journey with me

What if
Everyone in the world
Screamed when they needed to?

What if
That was just the normal
And accepted
Thing to do?

Take a deep breath
And just exist bro
Thats all you need to do

Like a cat
Staring out the window
Just being
It just is
Lying there in the sun;
Just living
Not caring about doing ****

All you need to do in life
Is live
Just keep living
Keep on floating
Just keep swimming in life
I mean dory was on to something

We just need to be
I am not a human doer
I am a human being after all

We don't always have to be doing something
We don't always need to be filling our mind to the brim
It just makes a storm inside
Makes you feel tense
All the time

That's why we scroll
Why we are so hungry for entertainment
It empties our mind
But what if we could just train ourselves
To achieve that anyways
By just sitting by a river
Or by your dog

When you realize that you can just be
You can just exist
You start to do things because you want to
And not because you need to
Those everyday things that you do
That you felt like you needed to do
You are now doing because you want to

And you FEEL the difference
In your whole soul
And it changes everything
It's peaceful

You are no longer pushing back
Tiring yourself going against everything
Because you need to be doing SOMETHING
Just exist bro

Be like a cat

I see a girl at the party
She's just sitting there alone
Staring into nothing
So I feel the intense urge to go up
And ask her
"Are you okay?"
To which she responds
"Yeah, this is just me"

I go back
And start dancing again
Waving my hands the way everyone else does
But I know it's not me

I dance alone
In the shower, in my bedroom or in my backyard in the rain
While listening to old music
And genuinely smiling

So cautious
To make me feel comfortable
Make me feel at ease

In a way it is great
I do think she understands me
Even when all there is to understand
Is just from watching me be

In a way it makes things worse as well
For she sees right though me
Gives me choices
I don't know what to do with those
I'm not used to choosing for me

It's all with care
And I don't think I've ever
Received such great amounts
From any friend
Or maybe anybody

Yes
Hugs are sometimes awkward for me
But I still can enjoy them
If with someone gentle
Who is not doing this
To make me feel worse
Instead of better

It was okay to hug her
Actually
It was nice
This is not something that usually happens

Care
Kindness
...
It's strange for me
I don't know how to act
I wasn't as light and funny
As I hoped to be

She was still
Trying to figure me out
Making me wonder if
The mask I thought I choose perfectly
Was actually transparent
And had misplaced Googly eyes

And for the first time ever
When I went to be alone for a second
Someone came to look for me
And asked me if I was okay

She's so careful
I want her to be comfortable
I don't want her to feel like
Or rather
Know
That I can't be calm and normal

I want to thank her
I really do
But speaking words
Is a difficult task
Especially when they mean something

I may not know
What will happen to tomorrow
But I know
That someone is laughing now
That someone is sobbing now
And that I wish I could do either

I may not know
What to say always
But I know
That I was once younger
And that every second I am getting older

I may not know
If I'll die tomorrow
But I know
That someone will live

I may not know
Who will cry tomorrow
But I am certain
That someone will
And I hope
That the love I send them
That they don't know I'm sending them
Will go through

I may not know if they feel it
But I know that I hope the impossible things
I send strangers
Will go through
And I know
And that when I remember
I'll take it from the stranger who doesn't know that I know
Just in case

Language was created
So we could better understand eachother

And 5,500 years later
thats what we're still trying to do

I feel betrayed
I thought we were a group
We would stick together
Forever
And we would see eachother every week
As long as we wanted to
How dare you leave
I didn't agree
I feel betrayed
I heard it from my mother
You didn't even bother to tell me

I feel less than
For I am a number
Or maybe an object
For seven hours a day

I feel less than
For I am different
And you are under people
If you aren't the same

I feel less than
Because I can't make my own decisions
And the people who do
Don't understand what it's like
To be in my head

I feel less than
For even my own haunted mind
Seems to rule over me

Why I am I not allowed to be momentarily devastated by my mind?
Why must I smile and wave in the hallways when I need to collapse in their arms?
Why must I nod when I need to cry?
I want to run to someone
And embrace them
And weep
And scream
Why must I be expected to walk away?

Why am I not allowed to be broken for a little while?
Why must I hold myself together with the ****** glue that is the 4 hours of sleep I got?
I want to just be in an empty room
With one person who will hold my hand
Who will say it's okay to be devastated
And anxious
For a little while
So that I won't have to turn my assignment in with only poetry and doodles on it

They don't understand
The reason I'm not crying
Not sobbing
And not yelling
Is because I am writing
"Liana, go to sleep!"
They tell me harshly
But it's what keeps me sane
Let me write
It doesn't hurt anyone
It's the only thing
That can calm me down

I'm not hurt
Because of what you did

I'm hurt
Because you didn't tell me

Behind the darkest clouds
The sun can still shine
You just have to embrace the storm
Dance in the rain
And scream with the thunder
Until it passes
And then you can lie in the sun

You’ve probably heard the saying “life is short”
I don't think so
It is the longest thing you will ever experience
If you're lucky enough
Life is
Sad
Happy
And long
I just hope mine is all of those

You’ve probably heard the saying “life is short”
I don't think so
It is the longest thing you will ever
experience
It just passes quickly
If you're lucky enough
Life is
Sad
Happy
And long
I just hope mine is all of those

I am shivering
I am not cold

I am in the bathroom
I don't need it

I can't breathe
It isn't my asthma

I am exhausted
I can not sleep

I am lonely
But I won't text anyone

I am crying
I don't know why

I fear I will die
Nothing real is killing me

My stomach is grumbling
I won't eat

Right now
Life kind of *****

Life is a mess
That sometimes can't be cleaned

People can be soap
Or a rag
Or a towel
You wipe up life with them
And it helps a bit

Unfortunately
Some of them were *****
And spread it all over
Instead of cleaning it up
Like they said they would

If the world
Lost it's poetry, art, music, dance, stories, books, and performing
I think
The population would be cut in half
And those 4 billion people left
Would be miserable

I image life without them
As unlivable

When it's dark
If you put a light
Is it light or dark?
What if the light is very soft?
What if the dark is big?
What is dark?
What is light?
Where do you draw the line?

The stars are beautiful
They always are

It's just
Sometimes
The light pollution gets in the way
And we can't see them anymore

But who knows
Maybe
Tomorrow you'll see them really clear

Even the moon changes,
Develops,
After time,
becomes whole
So why can't you?

I mean,
you kind of do
But like the moon you
always go back
It's just not as gradual

I think of you both at night
Except with you
It makes me unable to sleep

At least the moon is up there in the sky
Just looking pretty
And following my car
Catching my eye
Making me smile
Not making me cry

I love the moon
But that's weird because
Is it's similar to you

Little girl wondering and wandering
This beautiful and treacherous world
Learning
And observing

She's a sponge
Unfortunately
The water was polluted
By the careless
And manipulative
By her own blood

Is that why she picks her skin off now?
To see him come out of her?
Trying to squeeze out
Little by little
Her pain?

She knows better ways too
For she walks
Dances in to the night
And reaches out for the stars
They heal her

She cries
She needs to release


I think she has wings
Will she notice?
And when she does
Will she dare to fly?
Where will she go?

I hope she wont fly alone...

They always say to rest in peace
But I've always wondered
Why we don't live in it too

The dead are dead
And we are living
Why do we save the good stuff when we're disintegrated underground?

Ann Frank was right about flowers
But there's more

Loneliness is a record player
Sitting in an attic
With no record
Or someone to love it

Is like looking
And seeing many people around you
But gazing into the mirror of your life
And just seeing you
Alone
And maybe
the monster in your head

Loneliness is a door
You're to afraid to open
You want what's on the other side
But the handle might burn you

It is a picture of you
With friends
Wearing fake smiles
And wanting to be in that moment again
More than anything
Or never again
For what is actually nothing

Loneliness can be felt
Alone a bathroom stall
Trying to breathe
And stay calm

In an auditorium
Filled with hundreds
When there is no one
Who notices you

You also feel it
When they do

While trying to push through
The crowded hallways
That are loud
And try to swallow you

Loneliness can be felt everywhere
And can be anything
If you're anything like me

Loneliness is a record player
Sitting in an attic
With no record

It is when you look into life’s mirror
And see you’re not alone
You see the monster of your mind creeping up behind you
Whispering loud enough that only you can hear

Loneliness is the loudest silent scream of them all
Yet no one can hear how loud you feel it
Through any bathroom stall

If I am everyone and everything
And everything and everyone is me
Why do I feel so ******* lonely?

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I've decided
That I will always look up
Because people stare down at their feet all time
And they don't get to see the trees, the leaves, and the sky
And the first time I tried it out
It left me with no doubt
Because I saw an apple tree
The birds soaring
The squirrels in all of their stress
The stars
And it made wonder
Why I ever looked down
When it was so easy to look up
And see the beauties of the world

Everyone looks at their feet
Looks down
It's what we're used to now

But just for a second
If you dare to glance up
It might flip your world around

I love him
Because I have known him forever
And because I can't help it
He's my father

But don't get me wrong
I don't like him
Not as a person
Or as a parent
Or as a human

No one talks about how painful it is
To love someone who wants to die
About the anger that you aren't enough
That they're okay with leaving this world
Leaving you here

We don't talk about
The constant fear
That they might already be gone
That couldn't save them

The terror when they don't answer
Every time
I find myself unable to breathe
Thinking about the blood on the floor
Imagining the rope around their neck
Picturing the empty pill bottle next to their lifeless body
There is so much fear

Please call me
Please tell someone
You cannot be alone like that to end your world

Please call me if you're going to do it
But it will not be for goodbye's
I will not tell you it's alright
I will say that I will ever be able to forgive you
Because I won't
I will only forgive you if you started breathing again
But when you're dead
That's it
You're dead

Yes I would be devastated
Completely and utterly
But that's not all
I would be angry too

2am anxiety attack
3am writing them poems
They're not enough
The words aren't enough
I'm not ******* enough
No one talks about being up at 4am doing research
How to help
Words to give
Grasping thin air for something
Anything
To keep them there

Now it's 5 am
Making lists of ways to make things better
How to make the world more livable
Because they are not allowed to die
6 am still awake
It doesn't matter that I won't get any sleep
I don't care about myself anymore
I don't care about my life
They just need to stay in it
That's all that matters

I want kids to stop needing to raise their parents
People say that would take magic
So people have to step up
Because even 5 year old me knew magic isn't real

“A perfect quiet child”
They called me
Don’t call me mature when I was just scared and unhappy

I was not an adult
Why did you treat me like one
And now you dare to wonder
What happened to my head
Why I’m always in bed
It wasn’t just my father
It was everyone else too

Stop saying I’m an old soul
I’m smart
I’m just ******* terrified
I’m miserable
Trust me
You don’t be envious of that
Or at least if you knew why I’m like this way
You wouldn’t be

I am so much
I am too much
Too much everything
Clingy
Intense
Quiet
Loud
And I’m simultaneously somehow
Still not enough