I sit there
Passively doing schoolwork
Only to look up and notice
There are groups of people who are laughing and smiling

At first
I am grateful not to be one of them
It's so much work to pretend to be happy
To pretend to find the jokes funny
But then I remember
That usually people aren't pretending

I do not wish to be mature
I do not wish to be wise or responsible
I do not wish have an older soul
For it is not of my own doing

My house was on fire
And I was caught in the flames;
Of course I deteriorated quicker
And I learned how to not burn and become ashes

What should have taken a while to start to turn brown at the edges
From the sun and the warm pavement
Just took being born there

I do not wish to be able to take care of your child so well
For it was because I took care of my father when he couldn't do it himself

I do not wish to be able to avoid conflict easily
For it took practice to master

I have been molded
I have been been burned
I have shaped
I wish I weren't
But I am
And here we are today

I am a mix of grieving and grateful

People fear death
Or more so,
What happens to our consciousness when our bodies can no longer be vessels for it
And I think
It is much like leaving the womb

You have this whole world inside of there
You like it (sometimes)
But you know you must eventually leave
And you don't know to where

You think it's probably far away,
But in fact it's
Right there
Only inches away

I think death is
Right there
I don't know if that makes everything more or less scary

He ran into the street
The light was red
He made a car swerve

"You could die"
I scream at him from the sidewalk;
Eyes red and full of tears

"I want to,
And you want me to
So it wouldn't be that bad!"
He screams back
I just suggested upping the phone volume...

Everything is loud and out of control
Sounds of city surrounding me

So I just stand there
11 years old and alone
I don't know what to say
So I say nothing at all

He makes it to the other side
I don't know how to feel
He feels far away yet still too close
And I know I'll have to go closer

Let me present to you
The beginning of my birthday evening

"I don't deserve anything"
She says
Tears pouring down her cheeks
Like little pieces of her soul

Were they claustrophobic
Or is there a hole where they should be now?

"You deserve everything
That's just Fred"
I tell her while caressing her back
Trying desperately to soothe the pain

"What?"
She says with a break in her voice that hurts to hear
I wish I could all of her's

"Fred is that monster in your head that tells you exactly what you don't need to hear"

"I hate Fred
And I hate me"
She says
I hear the desperation in her voice

"You're my friend
And I love you
Which means that I have to love Fred too
Because he is a part of you

Fred is just pain
He's often forced into these small nooks and cranny's in your mind
But it's dark and scary in there
He thinks he's helping you
And feels he has to come out sometimes

He's just bruised and broken
And that's fine
We all are
I still love you"

She says that she doesn't
She says she wants to die
I know how the world looks right now in her eyes
And it's not beautiful

I tell her that I'm there for her always
And that she's wonderful
That the world is awful and ugly
But also stunning

I tell her that those people don't know her
And that those words in that letter might have hurt her
But do not define her
And that some other ones might even comfort her

And after many more tears,
A coconut ice cream,
Some comfort food with a comfort show,
And a warm embrace,
Fred finally held her hand
And maybe,
She hated him a bit less
By the end

It turns out that
My room
Or what used to be my room
Still smells of me and my mom painting it on a Saturday afternoon
Even if it's empty

The spot on the wall
"Happiness: an endless chase"
I wrote at 11
Still lives hidden in the corner

Big tree
On my front yard
It is a beauty
And it brings back so many memories

Suddenly
I'm a little curly-haired toddler
Walking around it
Swinging from the branches
Trying to fly
Little did I know
I already was

Then I'm 7 years old
Playing hide and seek
Hiding behind it
Both from my friend trying to find me
And the cruel world

And finally I'm 12
Hugging it
Thanking it for all its done
Stroking it while the tears strock my cheeks
...
"Goodbye"
I whisper
Knowing that it may be a long time until I will be able to be comforted by it once more

The wind blows
"Goodbye"

Now I stand in front of it again
"Hello again, my friend
I've missed you"

I do not exist
Everyone thinks I do
But I don't

I am an idea
A *****
I am a construct
(That you people are dependent on)

I am an imaginary, non-physical, number on a screen
I am a piece of paper
A card
A circular piece of copper
That is often the determining factor
Between life and death;
Survival in this cruel world

There are ones with much of me
And lucky ones they are
They have access to services
And being treated with the common needs that should come with being here
And being alive

And there are some that are unlucky
And lack me
They live hard lives working and tiring
Even though I don't exist
Who will tell them
That this should be pointless?

I can be stolen
Inherited
Hoarded
And broken

I am manipulated like a game
No one enjoys to play me

I'm supposed to measure
What someone's labor is worth
But I don't

Factors slip by me
Such as garbage men
Almost the same as doctors
Being needed in society

I breed selfishness
And greed
There are so many families I do not feed

I make you feel trapped and worthless
I am cause for death
I should be abolished

What am I?

Bright and beautiful
With daisies in her golden flowy hair
The sun rises each morning
Bringing light, warmth, and comfort
to all the people
As long as they don't look right at her

If they look at her directly
Their eyes burn
Because they see that she is burning

She quite literally spreads her sunshine
She doesn't have much left for herself sometimes
So every night she lets her lover
Take a turn in the sky

Shiny and beautiful
The light in the dark
The moon crosses the sun
To take over the night

They share a quick kiss
And the sky fills with color
Stunning
But doesn't last forever
They wish they could see each other longer
But they have matters to take care of
The moon now owns the night

But the sun isn't the only one
Who brings comfort;
the moon is often the only one there
For the terrified and sad
The creative and restless

The dreamers are awake.

The moon is there
Constantly changing
But there
A reminder that things don't ever stay the same

But eventually
The moon wishes to see their love;
The bright and beautiful
Even if it's shortlived

Sunrise lights up the sky
And the sun is ready to shine once more

There are a dozen songs playing in my head
Melodies mixing together creating a mess of music
I am lying on my bed
Jumbled words like a sea without logic

Tears rolling down my cheek
For I left my heart open
It is strong but also weak
Things knocked it over and the glass is now broken

My ceiling fan stares down on me
Telling me all that needs to be done
I just need a moment in silence just to be
Things barely ever even seem fun

The whole day's energy
Was spent on keeping myself together
And now
I just need to be broken

"Forgive and forget"
They say

But I will not forget
Not because I want to remember
But because otherwise
I would get hurt over and over again
Like a moth going to a lamp
Bumping into it expecting the sun
But only being greeted
with a hard slap of glass
Over and over again

"Forgive and forget"
They say

I will try to forgive
Not because what was done was forgiveable
But because otherwise
The hurt and anger would be like rocks I had to carry in my heart constantly
I didn't even have a bag
My arms got tired
And sometimes they would all fall

"Forgive and forget"
They say

They don't understand

I felt like nothing was changing
Day after day
Of school
Sadness
Anxiety

Then I look up at the clouds
I looked at them for a while
And I saw that they were moving

Please
Take me with you
At least for a ride..

I hate the sunset tonight
it shines for the children
for the heroes in all of their might
for the kitten who stares out the window
and for the young lady who cries every night

I hate the sunset tonight because it shines that very same bright for the angry man who does terrible things out of spite
the same bright for ruiners of people's lives
for the person who makes that young lady cry
for the people who believe that some don't deserve rights

I hate it because not everyone deserves to see that light yet it shines just as bright

Thank you darkness,
For you have made it possible
To see the stars and moon
In the sky

Thank you darkness,
For without you
I would not have been able
To imagine the light
at the end of the tunnel
And so,
I would have no reason to keep walking towards it

Thank you darkness,
For you keep everyone
"In the dark"
And I wouldn't have it any other way
Because if we knew the future
There would be no point in having it

It's already late
Still hours worth of work to do
I fear I won't sleep

The things I do
For your approval
And your excitement
For my accomplishments
Usually aren't healthy
Or good
For me

The things I lose
For your happiness
And your calmness
Usually are the things that make me feel that way

The things I cover up
For your agreement
And support
Usually are the things I care about most

Don't tell me
I'm being disrespectful
When it's simply impossible for you to stay pleased for more than a few moments
I try
And I try
To no avail
I am done trying

I have opinions
Thoughts
Feelings
If you don't like it
Don't see me
That's what I wanted
To begin with

A strong sense of smell
But I can't smell out the lies

A strong sense of hearing
But matter how many times I listen to our recorded conversation
I can't hear what I said that made you snap

All of this makes me wonder
If you're right and it's me
Or if it was you all along

She looks at her from a distance
With admiration and envy
For she's beautiful
She wonders why she couldn't be

That girl being watched
Looks at her
And thanks how she would do anything
To look that way
For she thinks that she is this sicking word;
Ugly

Do you ever feel
Like you're a bug?

I mean
Think about it
They get punished
For just existing
And in the world we live in
We are born in to this madness
With the only escape
Being death

Bugs come in all different shapes and sizes
Still bugs nonetheless
But when we see an ant just minding it's business
We step on it
And when we see a butterfly
we take a picture

Bugs get squashed
By people

People get squashed
By people

Do you see what I mean?

Stop
Just for a moment
From your reading of poems

Leave your house
Or look out your window
And see the sky

Take those terrible emotions
And feel them
Set them free
In a scream
A painting
A song
Or maybe a poem

Stop
Just for a moment
Turn off your phone
Open the blind
And just exist

We need to think those bad thoughts sometimes
So they don't pile up and overflow our mind

I saw my tree today
The one in the big open field

It was raining
My socks were wet
My legs tired from the walk
But it was perfect

I placed my hand on the textured bark
I felt so whole
And infinite

I was home

Walking around it in circles
My hand stroking it as I do
Just like I had done
What seems like forever ago

Memories come
Flow in
Like a peaceful stream

It's just like the tree next to it
And the one next to that
But this one was mine

Not because I planted it
But because I felt it pull me in
Even when I was a little girl
Even then
I felt we were one

I make art
Because the brush strokes
Poems
And notes
Can explain my pain
With much more brevity and depth
Than anything I could ever say outloud

***** pretty flowers
And sunsets
If they don't make you feel anything
For perfection isn't realistic

I do not make art those who seek Impressiveness and the showing of skills
I make art for myself
My heart
My soul
And others who seek feeling deep feelings with me

The messyness
Chaos
Abstractness
Weirdness
Beauty
Says a lot more about me
Than the grade on the paper
Or the comment I heard one girl say under her breathe

I make art
Because without it
I don't think
I would be

They see his glasses
But they can't see how truly
Awfully blind he is

Having trouble finding the
Umbrella to stop the sorrow from flooding
Me constantly; luckily once in
Awhile, I look up and it's
Not raining anymore

I fear
We are being striped
Of our uniqueness
And individuality
For when I look around
The crowded classroom
I see sameness
Or at least
Many, many masks

Clothes
Interests
Speech
Ideas
And beliefs

Are we all
Becoming a blur
Of fakeness
Or are we all
Ever so different
when we're not performing?

I suppose that is why
The openly different
Seem to feel so alone and estranged

I am all one for unity
But I just see maks
Unless I look very hard
And see a tiny twinkle in someone's eye
And I close my eyes
Focus
And listen hard
I think
I might hear some silent screams
...
I guess it's true
And they aren't truly happy

Little girl wondering and wandering
This beautiful and treacherous world
Learning
And observing

She's a sponge
Unfortunately
The water was polluted
By the careless
And manipulative
By her own blood

Is that why she picks her skin off now?
To see him come out of her?
Trying to squeeze out
Little by little
Her pain?

She knows better ways too
For she walks
Dances in to the night
And reaches out for the stars
They heal her

She cries
She needs to release


I think she has wings
Will she notice?
And when she does
Will she dare to fly?
Where will she go?

I hope she wont fly alone...

I feel less than
For I am a number
Or maybe an object
For seven hours a day

I feel less than
For I am different
And you are under people
If you aren't the same

I feel less than
Because I can't make my own decisions
And the people who do
Don't understand what it's like
To be in my head

I feel less than
For even my own haunted mind
Seems to rule over me

Work I have to do
Piling up
Making no room for thinking
Or peace
Or quiet in my brain

Tests
So many
I learn nothing from them
Yet I sacrifice the things that keep me alive
For those report cards
With an A as a grade

I beg
And sob
And plead to my mother
To let me stay home
Because have barely slept in days
My brain no longer functions
And that despite my medication
My panic stays

I didn't have time for reading
Or smiling
Or poetry
And for that last one
I'm sorry

Tomorrow I will try harder to read everyone's poems
And write some of my own

But for today
It's 10:30pm and I still have two tests, history homework, eating, and a shower to take take care of

The bump on my skin
Like a bomb
I feel I must make sure
Doesn't explode
Even though in reality
I know it won't

I peel it off
But that sets it off
What have I done?
Now there's blood

Why does it feel rewarding
To see the bright red liquid
Pour down my hand?

The pain is a cue
To feel mad
At myself
For I have caused it

There's just one more spot
I need to peel
I swear this is the last one
But it never is

I just pinch
And peel
And pick
Until my physical pain
Can outweigh my mental one

I'm sorry that it worries you
Or makes you feel awkward
But I can't
"Just stop"

Date her
Kiss her
Marry her
She deserves a be happy after all

Just don't crack her anymore
She might shatter

I do believe in ghosts
But I don't think they need to be dead
To cause fear
And horror stories

They can make things happen
That should never happen
And make people see things
That they shouldn't see
Even when they're breathing
And their heart is pumping their cold blood

I do believe in ghosts
But they don't haunt houses
They haunt minds

They screech open the doors
To anxiety and panic
Making a terrible noise
In my heart

You feel as if they're in the halls of your very being
Watching you
Maybe even controlling you
Whispering loud enough
So that only you can hear

I do believe in ghosts
But I don't think that they can walk through walls
Because people right next door
Have never seen the same ghost that haunts me
They can only hear
Pleas
And screams
When it jumps at me

I do believe in ghosts
Because I have one
That haunts me

"This isn't a book, Liana"
"Things are as they seem"
"This isn't science fiction"
"This isn't a dream"
My friend tells me
Blames it on how many books I read

"Prove it"
I say

She can't...

Far away we are
But at least when we look up
We see the same sky

I don't need a father
To call in the middle of school
When he's feeling like ****
And he wants to bring that on to me

I care that he's crying
Even though I don't want to
Either way
I don't need this from him

He takes your kindness
Empathy
Compassion
And uses it against you

It's not something I can deal with anymore
I'll simply not talk to him

I need a father
To make me feel comforted
And supported
And loved unconditionally

Not so I can be manipulated
And forced to grow up quickly

Dear monster in my head
I want to see you
Really see you
Inspect you
And understand you

Dear monster in my head
I promise if you come out of the shadows
I'll push away my anger
Desperation

So don’t worry
I’ll clench my fists

Dear monster in my head
I wonder what made you this way
Why you seem to hate me
Why scream these dreadful silent whispers
To me almost constantly

Dear monster in my head
I’ve only seen your beady red eyes briefly in a dream
And I want to observe the rest of you
For if I can’t always control you
I want to understand you

..

Is it you that see now?
Are you that figure coming out from the depths?
I can’t breathe
And I’m crying
Sobbing
But wait a second
...
You're stunning
Not like a sunset
Or a pretty girl
You just feel that way

Dear beautiful hurt in my head
I am so sorry I called you a monster
When you were just in pain

Dear beautiful hurt in my head
All bruised
With tear-stained cheeks
And terrible memories

It turns out that those beady red eyes
Was just the blood bleeding from our hearts
And that you actually have green eyes
That have some yellow near the iris
Just like me

Dear beautiful hurt in my head
I forgive you
And I hope you can forgive me one day
For making you hide in the shadows
Out of sight
And in my mind

Dear beautiful hurt in my head
Let us feel this pain out loud
Together
Holding hands
Watching good and bad days go by

Dear beautiful hurt in my head
I love you
Even though sometimes you make me cry

The halls swallow me
Luckily I don't notice
Thanks to my music

Even though
The ground is covered in snow
I know if you dig a little deeper
You'll find it to be warm

I'm sorry
But you have to stay

I'm not ready to make a star for you yet

My mom smiles
But I see the tears in her eyes
I can feel that shes willing the tears away

She tries to keep strong
Because she's the only one who does that for me
But I can handle it now
So I say
"It's okay
You don't always have to be fine
Or strong
I can be strong for you now
So let go"

And with a blink
The tears roll down her cheeks

"I love you"
I say
As I give her a hug

I feel her pain in that embrace
I want to take it away

Sometimes I forget
How much she's been through too

It's hard to believe
That such a strong person
Is starting to deteriorate

They say that she's okay
She says that she's okay
Because it's too scary for her not to be

The short
Strong
Curly-haired
feminist
Who loves
And cares

She's my mother's mother

She can't stop existing
She can't leave
And the earth can't keep spinning if she does

It pains me
Hurts me
To think of her last breath

The person
Who once held me
Outside in backyard
And sang to the night sky with me

The person
Who raised my mother

The person
Who was once a little girl
With dreams and hopes

She can't leave...

Up in the attic
With my paints
And my rage
I was the canvas
Filled with color

Splats of red
I needed to
How else could I symbolize you?

Blue and orange
And purple and green
All trying you make sense of me

Little hints of yellow
For even then
When I could forget
I could experience momentary joy

I was that canvas
Because yes,
My head is overwhelming
And crazy
And angry
But it can also be beautiful

I was that canvas,
Abstract
And messy
Which some say isn't even art
And some say is wonderful

I was was that canvas

But wait
...
Wasn't I also the painter?

Why are we the way we are?
Fighting eachother
When we're all the same

We should be one
No more blame
War
Unnecessary hate
Or fame
We are all humans
Just people
And we will all die one day

We need conflict
But our brains do that for us
Why do we need to do it for each other?

We should be together
Fighting the internal monsters
Not judging if they have four eyes or green scales

We should be together
In our anger
And our confusion

We should be together
In our complexities
And beautiful strangeness

We should be together
Even when we don't like everyone
Because that's normal
While staying kind

We should be together

Do you want to take a walk?

Yes?
Take a walk.

No?
Take a walk.

Even when
The world seems down
Your dog
Will always jump up
To greet you at the door
Happy to see see you
And loving you unconditionally

And currently
That is the biggest comfort
In the world

To all of you
That are hurting
I wish I could soothe you
Give you a hug
And tell you that you're not alone

Unfortunately, we are all
Through a screen
On the deepest
Smallest
Most beautiful place in the internet
And I can't hug you

I am trying my best
Willing my brain and my heart
To send you some comfort
And some love
Even when you feel unlovable

I hope that when you look up at the stars
Or the morning moon
You remember
All the others on here
So saw it too

Breath
You're okay

In
...
Out

Tap your left hand with your right
Like I just did now

Maybe
This is how
Even if someone of us are
Far
Far away ?

Nausea
Headache

Tiredness
Yet inability to sleep

I know that it's the price
For a better life
But will it be?
Could this all be for nothing?

Will this tiny little pill
Really change anything?

All it's done so far
Made things worse

Please
Let this be worth it

Why can't I just go about my day
Without these terrible memories
Randomly flooding my brain?

Eyes widen
I try to blink the thoughts out of my head
A wave of anxiety passes over me
Makes my stomach hurt
As well as my brain

I don't need to remember
Not now...
I need to calm down

I want to go to the corner
And sit alone for a second
But I risk being asked
If I'm okay
By a teacher
Or a kid who pretends that they're concerned
I'm afraid I'll lose it
If they do

The sound of your yelling and sobbing
Echo in my head
Ring in my ear
But my eyes are too busy for it
Because they are seeing my mom lock herself in the bathroom
To escape you
I see you you going on your knees
Screaming in the middle of the of where everyone can see
Putting the little girl that was me
In a place where she didn't know what to do
Over and over again

I can't breathe
And I need to snap out of it
...
But I can't

I need it to be quiet
Outside and inside my head

Life is a mess
That sometimes can't be cleaned

People can be soap
Or a rag
Or a towel
You wipe up life with them
And it helps a bit

Unfortunately
Some of them were *****
And spread it all over
Instead of cleaning it up
Like they said they would

Good night dear stranger
I hope you manage to close your eyes
And your mind won't start it's terrifying show and tell

Good night dear stranger
I hope you can take a breathe
And breathe in the air from a place you feel safe
And breathe out all of the memories from times you weren't

Good night dear stranger
I hope the darkness doesn't resemble your mind
And that your thoughts about yourself are kind

Good night dear stranger
I hope you dream sweet dreams
And that you wake up
Still feeling that peace
And not like you're in a living nightmare

A little oval
The size of a been
It's green
And I'm not sure if it's taunting me
Or comforting me
But it's there
Staring

It's hard to believe
That something so small
Could change my big world

I know it will dissolve
Into many little workers
Trying to take the wheel of my brain
For my captain is evil
And they want to help me

Please do help me

I've tried everything else