I do not
Fit into any of the groups

I am a color not found on the puzzle
Or maybe visible by the human eye

But I am constantly on the watch
For other wanderers

Broken glass
Breaks skin

Now it's bleeding

What if
Everyone in the world
Screamed when they needed to?

What if
That was just the normal
And accepted
Thing to do?

I called them "grown ups"
Until I was old enough to realize
That some of them didn't grow up

From my experience
Mostly for bad
But sometimes for good

Let me ask you a question:

If a room is dark
And you turn on a light
Is the room still dark?

Everyone I ask
Tells me it's now light
But they're assuming
That lightness
Overweighs the darkness

What if the darkness
Is just too strong?
What if the light
Is too dim?
A nightlight of sorts
In a big forest

Or maybe
Both answers are right
And it just depends where you draw the line

Everyone looks at their feet
Looks down
It's what we're used to now

But just for a second
If you dare to glance up
It might flip your world around

If you think the seed is big
Look at the dandelion

If that's giant
Look at the person who blew on it

If they look huge to you
Look at their wish

If their wish seems so grand
Zoom out a bit
And take everyone's wishes from all over the land

If all of those wishes sent to the sky seem humongous
Just wait till you look up at it
And everyone who's ever looked at it
Dead or alive
Mean or kind

Even space
Is constantly expanding
You can zoom out more and more

If the whole universe is big to you now
Look at it again after you read this poem once more

On my nighttime walks
I always see planes flying by
Soaring up ever so high in the sky

I think about the
Many, many people
up there in that plane
going somewhere
for some reason

And how
whenever I leave a place on a plane
I wave goodbye

maybe I wave goodbye to the country
or state
but I think
I'm waving goodbye to the theoretical stranger
who's waving bye back at me

So when I see the plane
soaring up in the sky

I lift my hand as high as I can
and wave
jumping up and down

I wonder if they're wondering
if someone is waving back

anyhow,
I know that they don't know
it's me

I am the only one who knows
But I guess not anymore
because now you do too

So,
If you're ever flying over NJ
Just know
That there's a chance I'm waving at you

Silent Screams
In my head
My heart
My mind
My bones
Almost constantly

They’re quiet enough
That while standing right next to me
You hear nothing
But loud enough
That it’s all I can hear

There are very few
That listen to them
And more so
Understand them
Maybe even have their own

I know most
Don't hear them
Through the walls,
Through the bathroom stalls
Or at all

But they are so loud to me
That sometimes
All I can do
Is sit there
Tears rolling down my cheeks
Begging the monsters
(or maybe just me?)
To calm down

"Here, have a piece."

"Okay, but just a little one. I'm not hungry."

He hands me a half of the pastry
I rip off a third of that
And eat it
Even though I don't want to
I just don't want to make him mad

I hand back the rest of it

"Finish it"
He pushes

"I can't, I'll feel sick"
I explain

"Please Liana
It's not that much"
He tries

"But it'll make me throw up"
I plead

"It won't. Eat it."
He says

I can feel the rubber band pulling
His anger stretching
I'm afraid he'll snap

I eat the rest of it
And feel sick the whole day

Didn't eat lunch or dinner
And never again
Will be willing to eat that pastry

Don't ask me
Why I don't want to go out to eat with you
You ruined it for yourself

There once was a flock of birds
All turquoise with yellow beaks
Flying together
In a V

They like to decide things
Like how to sing
how to flap your wings

Sometimes this flock
Makes some mistakes though
Like saying the only way to soar
Is throughout sideways flying
Even when some can't do it

Some birds try
And they fall

And now they're on the ground
Feeling alone and scared
Afraid they'll fly back up wrong
To get back in the V

The lucky ones
Find others who fell
And let the ones who want to fly upside down
The ones who fly straight
Backwards
Or even walk with their legs on thin air
Do their thing

They soar up
And they fly free
Together
In their own way

I remember
Standing outside in the cold
I was only nine years old
But even then
I knew I shouldn’t go inside

Without a coat
In my new little dress
And flat little dress shoes
That I wore to a choir concert

My mom couldn’t make it
She was working
So it was just him

He didn’t watch it
Or tell me I was good after
In fact
I somehow made him mad

I didn’t want to get in the car
On the way back
I knew when he was angry
We shouldn’t be driving
But there was a loudness in his eyes
It was scary
And I could not ignore it
It told me I had no choice but to get in

He was
Reckless
Missing turns
Short stops
Yelling at drivers
Especially if they have white cars
Because as he says
“Anyone with a white car is an idiot”
Because that makes sense?

What was supposed to be a 10 minute drive
But it became at least 30 minutes

So when we got back
I decided to stay outside

I paced back and forth
Wanting it be warm
And to feel safe

Even then I knew
That is was best to stay away

Even the brightest stars
Will explode
One day

Even the sky
Needs to scream and cry
Sometimes

Even the most beautiful poem
Will one day be forgotten
Even if that's
When we reach oblivion

You're allowed too
Don't feel bad

Breathe
It's all okay
It's night now
Dark
And quiet
Your dreams will take you far away from this terrible world

Breathe
It's over
You can just lie in bed
And listen to your cats meow

Breathe
Just take a breathe
In
....
Out
And over and over again
Until you calm down

Breathe
Just focus on the present
Because you are alive
Now
And you want to say in 2026
That you survived

Breathe
You can close your eyes
And let yourself go
Even though it's hard

Breathe
Slow down
Think in verse
Look out the window
And listen for your dog's heartbeat

Breathe
It's finally quiet
on the outside
Try and exhale the noise
on the inside

Breathe
And know
Nothing is that big of a deal
Just a part of life
After all
We all end up dead
In the end

300 people
Have heard what I have to say

300 people
Liked it

It's crazy to me
That even one soul
Could care about my words
And my woes
But 300!?!

300 people
With thoughts
Feelings
Love
Sadness
Pain
Problems
And poetry
Have read and enjoyed
Wow, this is a dream

I've written
Quite a bit
About feeling lonely
But just a second ago
I looked at the number of followers
And saw 300
A beautiful number
Built from beautiful people
And I felt together
And like I was no longer a weirdly shaped puzzle piece
With no existing puzzle to fit in to

Of course
I write for me
But it sure felt good
To see

Thank you,
Each and every one of you,
You mean so much to me

Loneliness is a record player
Sitting in an attic
With no record
Or someone to love it

Is like looking
And seeing many people around you
But gazing into the mirror of your life
And just seeing you
Alone
And maybe
the monster in your head

Loneliness is a door
You're to afraid to open
You want what's on the other side
But the handle might burn you

It is a picture of you
With friends
Wearing fake smiles
And wanting to be in that moment again
More than anything
Or never again
For what is actually nothing

Loneliness can be felt
Alone a bathroom stall
Trying to breathe
And stay calm

In an auditorium
Filled with hundreds
When there is no one
Who notices you

You also feel it
When they do

While trying to push through
The crowded hallways
That are loud
And try to swallow you

Loneliness can be felt everywhere
And can be anything
If you're anything like me

Of course you feel alone
People don't show when they feel bad
Scrolling on your social media
No one shows imperfection
Or the reality of the world

Of course you feel alone
There is no question in
"Are you okay?"
But a cue to say
"Yes"

Of course you feel alone
Because people cover up their scars
Are wear their masks all day
It's not just you
7 billion at least

Of course you feel alone
We're told
"Don't cry"

Of course you feel alone
If everyone is scared to be honest
Because we have a different opinion
We all might end up lying
Just like the other day
When someone told me
That they actually liked the book we read in class
As if it was a crime
And she was the only one
...
Three other people told me that

Of course you feel alone
And even in that
You're not
I'm right there with you
And so are billions of others
At some point in their lives

I cannot seem to be able
To unwrap the vines of pain from me
After all
It's in my name

I would do anything
Give anything
To make this bad
Heavy feeling
Be lifted

I would call a plane
And a crane
To get it off my heart
If that's what it takes

I want to feel better already

The time is moving too slow
And too fast
All at once
Who is messing with the clock?
Is it a monster living in the walls
Or is it living in my head?

The vines get tighter
The more I want them to loosen

Are they the problem
Or is it me?
What's the difference
I can't see

It doesn't matter
Get them off of me

I want to feel better already

I wonder
What would happen
If people I knew saw my work

I think
My friends
Would be shocked
At what goes on in my head

And that my mom would cry
Both proud and sad

And my dad would either **** himself
Because he hates himself even more now
Deny and call me crazy
Or get mad

Sometimes I debate
Whether or not to show people

Sometimes
For the less personal poems
I show my mom
And she says
How I can try to publish them

Though I know they're not good enough
And that they might never be
Sometimes I wonder
What would happen
If I did
And they would read them

I hope that they won't
Completely change their opinion of me
That I've so carefully sculpted
And made sure was okay

The book probably called
"Silent Screams"
Wouldn't be so silent anymore

Day after day
Alone on a hill
The girl with the fake smile
Is keeping perfectly still

But nobody wants to know her
They can see she's weird

And no matter how hard she tries
She can't be the way they are

But the girl with the fake smile
Sees the tear a boy in math tries to hide because
"Boys don't cry"

And what looks like a stare into space by that person who sits in the back
But what she knows is just her reliving something bad

But day after day
On that hill where she watches
The girl with the fake smile
Waits for someone else to see
That the hill she's on all alone
Is one of misery

Running
Back
And forth
Reach the line

I'm not that bad out of shape
But still struggling

Throat burning
Head pounding as if there's someone trying to bang their way out
And lungs desperately fighting for air

I give up...

I sit down when I reach the line
And try to catch my breathe
Instead of running back

Chest rising and falling
With each gasp for air

Oxygen
Why do you hate me?
Lungs,
Why aren't you working?

Coughs hurt my throat
And make me weak

I take my inhaler
But it isn't working
It's just making me shaky

Panic rising inside me

I can't breathe
I can't breathe
I can't breathe

I take another puff
And wait
1
2
3
4
5
...
Breathe out
And couch violently

I'm going to die
I'm going to die
I'm going to die

No one notices

Being your kid
Is like being in the deep end of the pool
With no swimming knowledge
And just the hope you'll hold me up

And you do
Sometimes
But then you push me under
I can't breathe
And whe world gets all fuzzy

Just when I think it's over
And I've decided that you're bad
You pull me up for a breath
And I hope you let me stay that way
But before I finish that thought
My mouth is full of poisonous water again

What if I would rather
You just let me sink?

Doctor said
I just need rest

Came back a year later
Still messed up in the head

Doctor said
Just drink more water

Came back two years later
After I took a test and it said I was depressed

Doctor said
I'd be fine
I just needed a therapist

Came back one year later
After 4 of them
Not feeling the best

Doctor finally said
There's a problem
And set me up with a psychiatrist
To give me meds

I hope I won't need to come back again

I remember a teacher telling my mother
That I was
"One sweet cookie"
And she was right

My father was the scorching tea

He grabbed from my comfortable bag
Loved me in his
"Unique way"
Left me soft
Feeling like it was finally olay
Then
Took a big bite
With his ***** mouth
And broke me

And after all of that
He thinks he can just buy a new pack

How wrong
Can he be...

So mad at myself
Completely freaked out
Fighting back tears
How could I forget
I can't fail this
This counts as a test
Crap

I just forgot piece of paper
A stupid
Important price of paper

I need to go to the bathroom
Get out of class
I can't let myself have an anxiety attack here
Now
But my teacher banned bathroom visits
Too many kids vaping

I ****
I can't fail English
I won't
It's my best subject
AHHHH

I repeat in my head
A grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade
It's not that big of a deal
But my stupid amygdala decides otherwise

I even can't focus on the parts I can do anymore
I feel dead
I'm done

Close chromebook
Dig nails into my hands
...
Ow
...
I deserve it

Red lines appear

Open favorite poetry book
Absorb words
May be heartbreaking
But
In a different way---
I don't feel alone

Soon enough
The buzz of the bell releases me
To a new hell

When I see my bleeding skin
I think of you
How you did this too

When I cry
I think of you
How it's your fault

When I see a good father
I think of you
And how I'll never get that too

When I think of that big tree on what used to be my front yard
I think of you
And how you kicked me and my mom out

When I feel depressed and terrible
I think of you
And how you're proof that it doesn't always get better

Bad feeling
Creeping up on me
I want to escape
But it's taking me

Unexpected
Kind of like a sharp pain
Except with depression

I looked in to meds
I think I need them
When can I receive them?
I want to feel better already

Why don't I have friends?
Why is all I could do on a Saturday
Sit there
With my cat
And waste my time in some way or another?

When the distraction takes a break
Anxiety
Depression
They grab me
Pull me

"No, let me go!"
I shout

It doesn't
Ruthless and red eyed
They have taken me away

They have suddenly grabbed any pleasant feeling
And crumbled it before me

"No!"
I sob

I want to feel better already

The smallest things
Seem so overwhelming
Take a shower
Get dressed
Get out of bed
Clean
All of them
Seem so hard to do
They take so much energy

I've learned that the only thing that helps

I s

T o

B r e a k

I t

D o w n

Even with the small things

Wheneverharmonicathingsredpilemicrowaveovereachotherlight­bulbitsbalconystartstogetbananacrazy

Anxiety,
Leave me alone

Anxiety,
Let me be

Stop getting in the way
Allow me fun
And relax

Stop with the teary eye
Trouble catching my breathe

Anxiety,
Let me enjoy things
Let me genuinely smile

Leave me alone
Let me feel calm for a while

Stop taking over my life
And my mind

Anxiety,
Please be more kind

I sometimes wonder
If I am dead

The question is
Is this heaven
Or hell?

What if
This is the best it gets
Or is it the other way around?
No one
Is ever truly always happy

What if we all used to be stars
And we exploded
And this is where we go?

Our bodies
Are just a home for our souls

Is this heaven?
Is this hell?
Or maybe that's how luck works

What if
The world decides if this very same planet
Will be good or bad for you?

Maybe
We just exist?

Maybe there isn't
Always a reward or punishment?

Maybe
We never truly die?
Or actually
Or are were always dead?

What is dead?
Who knows
Maybe it's me

My mother holds her head in her hands
I think it's because of me
My mental health
Is not what she wishes it to be

"I'm sorry"
I say in tears
"Okay"
She responds
I'm missing the "it's"

"I'm sorry"
I try again
..
She ignores it

My head explodes of thoughts of guilt
I can't handle it

"What do you want to do?"
She asks after a while
I think to myself
"Die"
But change it quickly
How dare I think that way

I stay silent


My mother is shaking her knee
She's upset
Stressed
She doesn't know what to do with me
I don't either

"I'm sorry"
I sob
"Why?
Why are you sorry, Liana?"
She asks exasperated
Like apologizing was a crime

I don't answer
I don't want to make things worse

I just cry

My mother sighs
I don't know what to do
She's my sane parent
The best thing I have
How dare I hurt her in any way

I want to say sorry
But I am sorry for saying sorry

My head is going to collapse

Sure
I may be young
But I still have memories

Sure
I may be young
But I'm not stupid

Sure
I may be young
But I understand so much more than you think

Sure
I may be young
But the horrors of the world no longer shock me

Sure
I may be young
But I've seen a lot

Sure
I may be young
But that doesn't mean
I need to respect you
and you can't respect me

Maybe I'm so used
To the oblivious
That it's strange for me
To see the people who notice
And care

Is that why
When you asked me questions
I froze?

It's not that I don't want you to know
I just can't believe it
And don't expect it

I just need a moment
To shake it off
Before I tell

I'm sorry
I couldn't answer
I really didn't mean
To make you feel
Like you made me feel uncomfortable

I'm used to the ones
Who don't ask questions
And just ignore
Not the ones
Who think

Its hard for me
To speak about these things
Sorry

People ask me
Why I don't believe them
Why I can't trust that they won't lie

The reality is
I used to believe it all
That he would change
And that he won't the battle
With his drugs
And his anger
But then I saw it
I felt it
And that's why I cry

This is why
I refuse to hope
And I can't believe

I want to
I really do
I promise
I try

Why have fireworks
When you can see the stars?
They by themselves have so much light

Why have fireworks?
All I could see in the sky on new years
Was gray

Stars are out of our control
Something us humans haven't yet touched
They are beautiful
And far away
And we get to see them
That is something to celebrate

Why have fireworks
Man-made
And loud
Things to blow up

When you could see the stars instead?

Yesterday
I started the year
Walking

It was cold
Dark
Smelled of fireworks

When I walked
I thought about the terrible year
And all that it carried inside

I thought about the day of the divorce
The day with my dad in Tel-Aviv
The night I panicked so much
That I almost needed to go to the hospital
And all the times I told my cousins stories
While I put them to sleep

I thought about all of the terrible moments
And then I thought
...

It's over

I shout it silently
Jumping around and crying
Smile on my face

I did it
I survived all of it!
I am still alive!
I am fine!

Proud.

Then I think of death
And how this must be how it feels
Except not needing to go back
Not knowing what else
Is going to need to be endured

But at that moment
Though crying
And remembering all the terrible things
I  liked 2025

Some watched a movie
While the one I wanted to be awake was asleep

I thought to myself
"Really?
This is how you want the year to be?"

I wanted to start my year off walking
And running
And letting music move me
Which is the very best
And most infinite feeling

I want my year
To feel like my walks

They were whining about so many little things
They forgot why we were doing this

They forgot
How this is a congrats
For completing
The **** year
That was 2024

When a better time
To thinks about that
Then when high feeling
This powerful
Amazing way?

"Don't worry
Be happy"
Bobby tells me

"Don't worry
Don't do it
Be happy"
He tries

"I'm trying
But I can't"
I respond
My head hurts
Fingers throb
Brain overflows

"Don't worry
Be happy"
It's on loop
Like it always is
When I'm anxious
And able to

"When you're worried
Your face will frown
And that will bring
Everybody down"
He explains

"I'm sorry"
I sob

I would give him a piece of my mind
Scream
Tell him how every single problem I have is his fault
But even then
He wouldn't get it

He'd say I'm crazy
That I'm young
That my mom got in my head
When she's the one who says not to argue
He doesn't understand that I still have feelings
And opinions
And that they come from me

He sends me a message
I want to respond
"*******"
I even typed it out
But don't send it

He would go insane
And my mom would suffer from that
So I just say
"Okay"

Bite my tongue
Be grateful it's not worse
Take the manipulations
But make sure to record it for later
So I can recognize them

I might love him
To some extent
He is my father after all
But I can't remember a time
When I had liked him
As a parent
Or a person

I don't say any of it

Why can't I seem to enjoy things?
Why is my stupid brain always getting in the way?
I need it to shut up for once
Please
Please
Give me a break

Stop freaking out
These are just people
You are like them
Except not normal
I say to myself

I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I repeat
Over
And over
I can't stop

I say it
Standing in my own house
On what are now my floors

Why does everything have to stress me out?
Why can't I just live?
It isn't that big of a deal

Mind filling
Flooding
Often for just living

Hatred at self
For picking
picking
My skin
And causing my own pain

I need a break from my head
It seems to hate me

Go away

When it rains
Little branches get wet
And droplets form on them
Not falling
Just waiting to drop
Some want it
Want to fall to this puddle from which there is no return
And some love it up there

They will drop though
That's for sure

Will they be shaken accidentally by a girl taking a walk?
Will the water build up so much
And they aren't strong enough?
Will they evaporate?

They will all fall
Eventually

Is that comforting?
Sad?
Is it crazy?

I want to do something
But I can't seem to do anything
I just sit on the couch
Cat on my lap
Blanket over me
And read

Everything I write
Right now
I feel isn't complete

I want to get up
And walk with my music outside
But I'm tired
Why is this so hard for me?

So cautious
To make me feel comfortable
Make me feel at ease

In a way it is great
I do think she understands me
Even when all there is to understand
Is just from watching me be

In a way it makes things worse as well
For she sees right though me
Gives me choices
I don't know what to do with those
I'm not used to choosing for me

It's all with care
And I don't think I've ever
Received such great amounts
From any friend
Or maybe anybody

Yes
Hugs are sometimes awkward for me
But I still can enjoy them
If with someone gentle
Who is not doing this
To make me feel worse
Instead of better

It was okay to hug her
Actually
It was nice
This is not something that usually happens

Care
Kindness
...
It's strange for me
I don't know how to act
I wasn't as light and funny
As I hoped to be

She was still
Trying to figure me out
Making me wonder if
The mask I thought I choose perfectly
Was actually transparent
And had misplaced Googly eyes

And for the first time ever
When I went to be alone for a second
Someone came to look for me
And asked me if I was okay

She's so careful
I want her to be comfortable
I don't want her to feel like
Or rather
Know
That I can't be calm and normal

I want to thank her
I really do
But speaking words
Is a difficult task
Especially when they mean something

When some think of falling
They can't help but think of flying

And when some think of flying
They can't help but think of falling

Are you familiar
With the story of Sisyphus?

Do you ever feel
Like you are pushing the rock up the hill
A rock filled with desire
The weight of the world
Waiting for it to finally reach the top
So it can be taken care of?

Are you too
Pushing
And pushing
And almost giving up?

When you get to the top
Does it fall back down
                       Every
               Single
         Time
Too?

Does is sadden you
To know that he never succeeds
Even at the end of the story?

Well I made up a new one for you:

Climbing
Climbing
Whole body sore

Trying
Trying
He doesn't want to try anymore

Day
After day
The story seems miserable
Until one

This day
Susyphus climbed
And pushed
And climbed
And pushed
And remembered how all the other days
It was to no avail

"I'm done!"
He thought

He was ready to stop pushing the rock
And let it fall on him
Crushing his body
Ending his heartbreak
But he didn't

He thought what if
That maybe that day
He would finally make it

So he pushed
And when he was at the most pain he had ever felt before
Made it to the top
He felt it would fall
Like any other day
But he saw a hand reach out
Helping him with his rock
And voice coming his way
Saying comforting words
Encouraging him

And what happened to the rock you may ask?
Well...



It stayed

One day it will appear again
Life will build up
But he succeeded
And he deserves his momentary happiness

I don't know how it will be
I fear it will be hard for me
I know it's anxiety filling to act socially

Thinking of topics for conversation
For small talk is exhausting
What to do?
How to act?
How open to be?
I fear that those nights
Will be ones without sleep

I want an idea
Of the way things will work
I find it hard to picture

Its been months
And I know I was so vulnerable
When she last saw me
The places we were
Brought back such terrible, terrible, memories

I want to be lighter
And more fun to be around

This time I plan to eat
And maybe hide my hands a bit more
But it's hard
When you have to play trumpet with them
And she's observant
I'm not used to that either

My cat is
Purring
Sitting on any available laps
Meowing
Loving everyone
Eating everything
Going on any shoulders that he pleases
Rubbing against people

And then there's me
Taking a break and hiding in the bathroom
Sitting in silence
Fake smiling
Picking skin
Laughing when I see everyone else laugh
Avoiding going out
Or talking to people

Humans are supposed to be social
And cats are supposed to be independent
Yet
It seems that my cat is more social than me

The stars
The dark
The silence
The empty streets
The night

While I dance in the cold
Music taking me over
All of them
In their wonder
Are on my side

I've known him forever
I hate to be reminded of things that he did
And said

I hate when my head
Compares
Contrasts
Remembers him

But the problem is
I see him in everything
For he is my father

When I do things
I hear him
With his opinions
Manipulations
And I want to please him

I feel him watching me
Judging
Listening
It makes me angry

He is in my blood
My bones
No matter what I do

He's in my memories
My hometown
My mind

He haunts me all the time

He thinks I should want to see him
That being my father is enough
I let him down easy
I'm too scared to be tough
He might go crazy

Is the saying
"Someone always has it worse"
Really supposed to be comforting?

I don't like to think about
How my pain
Sometimes doesn't compare to other's suffering
When mine already feels like hell

"Someone always has it worse"
Does that make anyone feel better?
To be belittled and then told that someone else is more miserable than you?

I hope not
Because it's terrible that it's true

But I guess I hope so
If it's true that it helps you