i.
you wonder if somewhere there's a voodoo doll with your face stitched on
(and if it's covered in pins since god knows that would be the logical explanation)
who goes away in winter? he'd laughed and laughed
-- and in spite of yourself, you let him

you very patiently explain that with european winters
'the sun's still out but it's no cancer risk
and the air's still hot at night but it doesn't try to choke you
and what's more cathartic than a spanish caravan park where you're serenaded by crickets?'
playing it off as a quirk, not an excuse to be anywhere else

he'll never know the comfort in being
little more than a passing stranger
a face on a street or in a window or a car
transient, fleeting; the short-term memory lasts roughly thirty seconds
so you're a stranger in a yellow polo and then you're nobody:
it's the circle of life, but compact and mildly less terrifying

ii.
unexplored streets and brains are bigger than home:
you can only be your true self when you are not at home
eyerolling, rotting from air pollution and complaining about first-world problems
you're hardly ill at mind but you're jaded and sad and sufficiently middle-class
so when in doubt, you pack a bag and think nothing else of it

you buy the guardian and a kitkat from a sullen newsagent
whose hands look like your grandmother's
(why do you notice this stuff?)
the poor guy's only middle-aged surely - he can keep the change
counting coins is weird and confusing anyway

happy flying says the hostess with a ribbon around her neck
she means it and you know exactly why she'd taken the job on:
fixed addresses are awfully limiting
and the swarms of crying babies are probably worth it
to get to go everywhere EVERYWHERE

iii.
package holiday dj digs out his usual and plays 'come on eileen' for an aging crowd
your eyes are upturned to a foreign sky and you breathe warmth
the stars are out and you are floating quite carelessly at the top of a swimming pool

happy birthday

A daydreamer,
who doesn't understand.
He took my hand,
told me the broken things.

I cut all the strings,
watched him burn.
then I wanted to learn.
Learn to end the fire.

Something I didn't know prior;
You can't start being a liar.
Then splash water on it,
when you should use an extinguisher.

Maybe that message,
Is the last one we'll ever send,
Maybe them last words,
Are the last we'll ever see.

Because these hours alone,
Thinking more than I should,
Unable to stop,
Will be the end of me

What would you do if you knew,
That when you left,
I stop.

I stop being the confident one you love,
I stop being the happy guy you know,
I stop being a good person.

I guess we'll never know.
Because I'd never admit that,
I'm too proud,
I want to be perfect,
So when I'm alone,
Everything breaks down,
My mask,
My fake smile,
My confidence.
Me.