I hear very own voice
in my head sometimes
Yelling at me
But it does not have a reason
To yell my name at me
To yell my mistakes at me
To yell my concerns at me
So why does it yell at me
I ask it politely to stop
Yelling
But then all I hear
Is me telling myself
To stop yelling
At myself

April, 9th, 2013
My world seemed to piece itself together in my young mind. It was all seemingly perfect.
October, 30th, 2014
It hit me like a freight train. Ripped me apart. Changed me forever
November, 5th, 2014
The deal was done, and all was broken. New thoughts engraved in my brain. Steering me down the wrong path. Making me feel like life couldn't be worse.
November, 6th, 2014
I am sick to my stomach. My own actions make me cringe. How could I be so cruel?
December, 1st, 2014
My heart was taped together again, and the feeling of "happiness" tricked my brain. I am okay I always thought. This is forever
March, 7th, 2015
My world seemed to fall down around me. My walls crumbling, all "safety" I had built around to protect me had crumbled into nothing but lost hope scattered in a glittery dust around my feet. My mother caught my tears in her hands and drying them with all she had. Words of wisdom from her lips soothe my ears temporarily and she helps me change the orange to blue.
March, 10th, 2015
As the tears became less, the reality grew. The colors more clear to me, and the path i must take more apparent. She again guided me, and hugged me tight. I learned she would be the one to stand by my side when all the others ran away. She would never leave me behind, break my heart, or manipulate me. She was truly the only one that wouldn't let me down.
March, 11th, 2015
I start to see blue among the words at my lunch table. In the hope in my eyes. Finally in the smiles reflected in the mirror. It starts to show a little more and more. The yellow streaked in the melting snow. In the music that plays through my ear buds. In the late night drives. "It gets a little better everyday" she says and I believe it. A little better today, even better the next day and next month at this time everything will be just fine.

somehow we manage to remain
day by day
week by week
month by month
this continues
breaking a little more as every door slams
and every true opinion is voiced
we break as a whole a little bit more
and fall closer to the edge.
i'm ready to fall though,
i have always seen it coming

one may think that it's wonderful
the non-stop talk
to have large numbers
to have "options"
and for some it may be
but the constant, overwhelming, unwanted surprises from all of this
make me mad
they make me cry
and make the guilt seep into my skin.
the though that i have done something wrong
overcomes my every thought
and i find myself lost in the sea of over thinking.
as a teacher instructs a lesson
or a friend tries to tell a story
i am lost.
hopelessness fills me as i receive another message
and somebody pours out their heart
i want to tell them to have it back
i don't need it,
i don't want it.
it just hurts more as they continue
all i want is for it to stop
so i can find myself
dig out of the hole, i'm stuck at the bottom of
soak up the tears i've been drowning in
find myself in my messy world

this is a textbook moment
ask the question or you'll regret it
i never realized how hard this could be
for it all to be gone in a second

i couldn't even reach it if i ran
i'm utterly helpless
all i can do is beg
my hands shake

i am quickly reassured
but how do you know it's true?
why would i say those words,
to such a fragile soul?
think, you idiot

i can't take them back so
i must explain.
i trip over my words like a nervous child
but it works

i finally hang up the phone
and realize i've been holding my breath for an hour
i exhale and return

"there's only one cure for your wounds"
he says with a wink
my throat burns but i smile
it's okay

i forget about all prior worry
as your eyes scan over me
i look to make them meet with mine
only to witness you turning away
but what scares me
is that in that particular moment
the fact that you ignored my existence didn't even matter
just your presence and being was enough to fulfill my want for your attention
although not given,
two short hugs and a quiet whisper that you love me stays in my mind for hours after you leave
filling a space in my heart
but only partly
which is why i write this
it fills my other parts,
as dreams also do
i fantasize in my head
giving you credit for words you don't say
and kisses you don't give
i feel as if you are miserable
but too **** afraid to say so

i keep this photo close
to remember when love was still new
when i shined bright in your eyes
and you looked for me along other faces.
now i wish for your eyes,
and beg for any words from your lips.
i hope that somewhere deep inside,
you still have love for me,
and that you won't break my heart.
you have the ability to,
because darling, i will easily call myself crazy about you.
is this my fault?
do i not love you enough?
maybe i'm just greedy,
but i soak up every ounce
of your soft words
and cherish them like you wouldn't believe.

you beg for me to stay
i tell you it's okay
i tell you not to worry,
i am here for you, i promise
but you push me away.
ignore me, when i am trying to help
i truly waited for you
stayed up thinking about you
worrying you were all alone
then you imply i'm not needed
i wish i could scream
i waited for you, stayed awake
poured my heart out
and risked it
you don't need me
just tell me that please
so i'm not making myself available
when i'm not needed
i'm sorry that i care
i really don't mean to be a bother

as my worlds collide
i shake my head
my words jumble
and i find small lies laced
on the curves of the letters
disappointment settles in my stomach
and i feel sick
i change for all these people
why do i even care this much?
the thought tears through my head
taking everything over
i can't even escape my own head

if only
i could get ****** into a time traveling tornado
that could bring me back to you

if only
i could have realized how truly important
you could have been to me

if only
you were here once more
whispering soft words of wisdom in my ear

the good thing is,
nobody has to know what i mean
nobody has to understand the exact metaphor
or know my story.
they can make their own

You are asleep,
Your aching bones at rest
Your mind blank
Your words silent

I am wide awake
My aching bones still move
My mind gone wild
My words flowing onto this page

I cry, I scream, I call for you

You are asleep

finally
when i can't think of a reason to hate,
or a reason to cry
i can just smile.
i can realize finally
that my past is my past
and people can't hurt me if i don't let them.
he can't see inside of me anymore,
he can't touch my skin,
or persuade me with his words.
he is gone from my life.
and now, i thankfully have you
who won't be the cause of my tears,
who won't promise forever only to let me down
who won't "love" me
but will just love me

the flowers just die, so why plant them?
the children just forget, so why teach them?
the hearts will just break, so why love them?
but i guess we'll all just die, so why live?

i honestly don't hate them all
i just hate the way they make me feel,
hate the way they treat each other
and how they act so dumb.
it makes me cringe, makes me cry,
makes me build these walls.
i'm really just a wimp.
scared of the truth, and friendship,
which by dictionary definition means:
a state of mutual trust.
now that's the part that scares me.
the ability to trust another to not spill your secrets,
the ability to trust that somebody won't hurt you,
or push you down.
in the process of "branching out"
fear and confusion eats at me,
but i have to let it go.
i don't hate them all.
i can't

It still remains a mystery in my head
But I know it's not in yours
Although that doesn't bother me
I'm still afraid that I'll mess it all up

It still remains a mystery in my head
But I know it's not in yours
I create moments in my brain
Making them perfect and sweet

It still remains a mystery in my head
But I know it's not in yours
That's ok though
Because I wouldn't want to mess it up
With anyone else but you

Words all around confuse me
They cry to me
But I don't know what's happening
I try to be there
But I just can't
I am so lost
So confused...

If you like me
If you hate me
If you love me
If you can’t stand me
If you fear me
If you don’t care about me
Good
No matter what you think, I’m not changing
So that’s your problem
Don't talk behind my back,
But if you think my life is so much
More interesting  than yours than go ahead
And think what you want
Because I won't change how I am,
Just because you asked me to

Caught between two distinctly different worlds
I  drown in my thoughts
I finally look up and his mouth is moving
But I can't hear

Everyone speaks the language
But I don't understand it

I move through the minutes
Because what else would I do?

My new life feels like a constant countdown
I find myself at times forgetting though

New people hold my hand like an old friend
And offer their bed willingly for little sleep
I reach out
But quickly retract

Where am I anyways?

I grasp onto the last bit of inspiration
Letting it cleanse my broken soul
I have let the cruel world swallow me
I have let myself become the regular, egotistical teenager the rest of the world is
I hold onto this last bit of sanity
And rid myself of all vanity
Pulling out all of my fine points
Trying to prove to myself this isn't what I have become
But as I stare into the mirror,
The glitter on my eyes, and mascara staining my cheeks
Tells me otherwise...

I feel that I am in a hallway of locked doors.
In a cage with no key.
In the dark with sunglasses stuck over my eyes.
I feel that I am the only one.
That nobody will get it.
That it will always be the same.
I hope that they will get it someday.
That I will be able to see my dreams as the past.
That I can teach someone something they can use.
I think that it will get better sometime.
That I will get to where I want to be.
That I will get it someday.

How can your lovely face
Seem to find it's way into my head
At every moment of the day
No matter what I'm supposed to be thinking about
It always just ends up with you
Not that that I'm complaining though...

in and out i fall
blinded
tired
scared
i frown as my words contradict themselves
confusing me
i look at the damage
i fall
and become lost in the world of insanity
i did anyways...
and i visit often now
to see what i was
to know who i still may be

i'm not exactly sure why i hide certain parts of myself from some people.
i guess i'm just giving myself a secret to keep.
it keeps me sane,
and makes me feel like i still know something about myself
that the world doesn't have to.
they always figure it out though...

honestly i'm scared.
you talk and i try not to look.
it hurts too much.
words comfort me,
and i want to believe them so bad.
does it get this good?
am i dreaming?
it can't be real i finally think.
but i love you so much.
i don't care if i get hurt.
it would be worth it.
at least i have you for now.
i love you too much to do anything.

if love,
is waiting for you
when i know you'll never come

then i definitely loved you

if love,
is wishing for your touch
when i know you never would

then i definitely loved you

if love,
is pouring my heart out for you
when i know you'll never understand

then i definitely loved you

but i am pretty sure,
that is not what love is

i am also pretty sure
that maybe once,
i thought that i definitely loved you
and maybe,
i even did...

Tired eyes,
achy wrists and fingers,
bright mind
and beautiful words
of a poet

memories overflow in my head
and almost spill tears out of my eyes,
like flooded city streets.
i swallow hard,
and close my eyes momentarily.
freely, freely, freely
her voice echoes through my mind.
i keep the secrets dark inside me,
and cover them up with the positives.
i can't let it overcome me,
or it will destroy me all over again.
i shudder, and chills run up my back,
as i wrap my arms tightly around me.
it's over now.

as i fall further in further
"in love"
you pull further and further away
making my landing less than pleasant

Your words touch my heart
Sending shivers down my spine
A smile pulls at the corner of my cheeks
And then I grin wide
And my face heats up and probably turns a light shade of red
I shiver and pull my knees tight to my chest
Wishing you were here

i try to imagine,
the bright smile on your face,
the one smile that instantly fills me with happiness
as you send me these wonderful words.
they fill up my heart,
and all of a sudden i feel a bit better.
the pictures that fill my head at night,
when i am fast asleep,
leave me with full grins as i wake.
i tell you about these pictures,
the stories and wishes they create,
and i am almost surprised to know,
that you have similar stories and pictures,
that play in your head while you lay asleep at night

it feels all wrong
but all right at the same time
it kills me though
and i almost want to cry
it's all my fault
but you know it's true
and you know i'm right
and that's what hurts the most...

silence rings between us
but it isn't the bad kind of awkward silence.
i laugh a little
and my cheeks turn pink
"what?" he says, a smile spreading across his lips
"nothing, just happy" i say grabbing his arm
as i float through today
unable to stop grinning
i am amazed that although one person can make you so utterly unhappy
a different person can make you feel so amazingly blissful

My thoughts flow through my brain
And all of a sudden I'm mad
Your words are careless
And I know they're fake
I clench my fists
And I almost scream
My knuckles turn white
And then without thinking
I type
And type
And type some more
I finally press
enter

Blue eye
Brown eye
Two eye
Clown eye

Pick and choose
Dump and lose

Cry to me
Cry to him
Cry to Lee
Cry to Jim

I don't care anymore.

Some of our
biggest dreams
are the ones
we fear most.
And we sometimes
convince ourselves
they'll never come true.

You hold my heart in your large hands
You hug it tight
And kiss it lightly
Your touch is so gentle
And I know for sure
It is finally safe with you

I'm confident
I'm proud
I'm determined
I'm happy
I'm passionate

But I just can't bring myself to do it...

how* is this even fair?
how is it my fault?
i didn't even know!
if you don't tell me, don't blame me.
go ahead and tell the rest of the world,
but don't even try to come back here blaming me for it!
you have full control of what happened
all those nights of "tears"
were really full of new beginnings
you weren't even sad,
and there is where my biggest mistake comes to haunt me
when did i ever think that would be good?
you'll never forgive
and you will never really forget
oh, how stupid i have become

My legs shake
And I know they will come soon
I try to let it take me
But it will not without help which i do not give
It always will come to me
Eventually but never easily
It kills me
And other things overcome me
Making me useless
Terrified
Dejected
All of this slowly kills me
Until light shines through my window
And forces me to continue this game

it all kind of hurt
but it wasn't the way he swore to me
or the way he was angered by my words
or the fact that he cried
but the way he hurt him
the words he said to make him yell
the actions that made him retaliate
the threats that made his face fall
that is what hurt most
that's what sent tightness to my heart
that's what made me cringe
and that's the closest a tear has come to spilling over on my cheeks
i will never let it, spill over
show how i feel
but it was close
you should just know that part
it hurt me to know i hurt you
and nothing has ever hurt so bad

I don't understand
The fire inside me gone
The feeling that rang through me vanished
The voice that whispered my name silenced
There was no evidence it was there
And no reason why it left
My brain overfilled and confused
I rest my head once again
For a night filled with thoughts
And no sleep
I feel the silence in my words
The hopelessness of my plea
And I know you cannot help me know
For you have rested your head
Not to be disturbed until morning
Where you will receive my plea
And answer with all you have
Only to realize you are too late

it's amazing how one's words can add up
the feeling so great
almost magical.
you reread all of them
over and over
soaking up every last feeling
and finally when i cant stop the smile on my lips
i am left grinning at your words
heart full
mind lost
just happy

i need to get over it
it's been a few weeks
it won't happen again
and i don't want it to.
just have to let it go
but again...
easier said than done