my whole world becomes colorless
my whole organization system shatters
i quickly glance in your direction and catch your eyes
white.
like a blank page this color fills my mind
maybe it shows you are a new start
hope fills inside me
and my cheeks get hot every time our eyes meet
i have to let go of things, to have room for the new
and although i didn't see this new coming
i let go of all old regret to create room for new memories
with you

silence rings between us
but it isn't the bad kind of awkward silence.
i laugh a little
and my cheeks turn pink
"what?" he says, a smile spreading across his lips
"nothing, just happy" i say grabbing his arm
as i float through today
unable to stop grinning
i am amazed that although one person can make you so utterly unhappy
a different person can make you feel so amazingly blissful

as she calls out to me
i hope i don't show how i actually feel
good thing i'm on the other side
i smile and pleasantly offer words of "wisdom"
oh friend, i stammer
that sounds just wonderful
but while saying this
the jealousy confuses me
oh boy i think nervously
i cannot fall
i cannot feed into it
this is a friend
while inside i just say
*sorry girl, it's just how things will be

i get stuck between the moments i lay sleeping
and moments when i'm half awake.
in these suddenly often occurring
i wonder how much of it is real
and then i wonder how much of it i see only in my imagination.
these moments confuse me,
startle my brain,
make me wake up
to wonder how long until the two will be the same
and my dreams will just be horrifying reminders
of my past

as my life seems to unfold
simplicity as unusual as it seems to me, comes upon my thoughts
i don't feel as though there is something i should be hiding
and the stupid reason usually in the back of my head,
the one that stops me from smiling
is non-existent.
my mind is clear
and satisfaction hits me in a waves
finally happy,
i lie back,
ready for the rest of my life to begin

somehow we manage to remain
day by day
week by week
month by month
this continues
breaking a little more as every door slams
and every true opinion is voiced
we break as a whole a little bit more
and fall closer to the edge.
i'm ready to fall though,
i have always seen it coming

a place of safety? he wonders
and i don't hesitate to answer.
well my mother's bed
something about it, i continue
the way the comforter never attaches to the foot
and the sheets wrinkle into folds of security
the smell as i breathe deep into the pillows
unchanged no matter the location
makes my tears subside little by little
soaking up thoughts of regret
and provides a feeling no human could give
well, besides my mother of course.
a feeling of overwhelming safety, all in my mother's empty bed