sitting here
in the dark
no words or inspirational thoughts come in to mind
as i sit frustrated and mad
the feelings bottle up
and start to rise in my brain
light blue fills the room and i cringe at all the words
flying through my head
i wish for the blue of conversations this morning
the bright beautiful blue as the words come off your lips
and nicknames given make my laughter a light sapphire
although i lay
tired and confused
the blue fills my mind

i jump to conclusions once again
thinking it was all okay
when, i should've trusted it wasn't
i should've known you wouldn't be the same
and as i walk beside you, confused by every word you say
i kick myself
you believed my words
and i'm stuck in this

no matter how many times i hear these words
knowing before the start that a lump will form in my throat
they are my last piece of you
and as much as i try to forget
i can't
i need this last piece
and that's why i continue
make sure to keep the words in my head every moment
to have that small piece of you.
because it's the last
i examine every word
looking for a hidden meaning
looking for you to be calling back
but i know you didn't mean this to be important
yet it still makes me cry
finishing this poem,
makes me realize i still care
and i can't figure out why i do
i can't seem to let you go just yet

as he asks if i lie
i can't help but to lie again
no i reply
but there are promises laced in the lies
and broken as truth is revealed.
it eats me up
consuming my hope
munching at the confidence
finishing off the last feeling of safety
and i am left with nothing
shaking hands respond
and i get the sick feeling in my stomach
just forget
let it all happen
but it's much easier said than done
i have to leave it all behind
start new, and pretend it doesn't hurt
pretend they don't hurt

the change in colors annoys me
the light blue stuck in the cracks of ancient houses
the pattern of the clouds
and the silence of the ride.
all of a sudden the gym is blue
the way her hair falls
the arch of a shot
a deep yellow at the smell of dust
old kitchen utensils and sheer table cloths
the food red as we set it on the counter
and showers yellow
old shirts and new words
all a yellow
orange doesn't settle
stays away for the moment

one may think that it's wonderful
the non-stop talk
to have large numbers
to have "options"
and for some it may be
but the constant, overwhelming, unwanted surprises from all of this
make me mad
they make me cry
and make the guilt seep into my skin.
the though that i have done something wrong
overcomes my every thought
and i find myself lost in the sea of over thinking.
as a teacher instructs a lesson
or a friend tries to tell a story
i am lost.
hopelessness fills me as i receive another message
and somebody pours out their heart
i want to tell them to have it back
i don't need it,
i don't want it.
it just hurts more as they continue
all i want is for it to stop
so i can find myself
dig out of the hole, i'm stuck at the bottom of
soak up the tears i've been drowning in
find myself in my messy world

as much as i try to brush it off
fake it
and tell them its ok
i now know how much it hurts
and it makes me even sorrier
i shouldn't have done it
that doesn't make it hurt less though
the wounds in my heart sting
like salt on a cut
fire surges through my bones
growing and growing
and warm tears sit wet on my skin
i don't show them to the others
and as i do show myself there is no evidence.
i am strong,
i am happy,
i am finally free...