I look back on these times,
When I seem to be the happiest
My hair in a mess, and clothing,
limited to t-shirts and warm-up pants
I was surrounded by my family
And ones I used to call friends
Being tickled, or teased
But it never bothered me then
The harmless jokes, and constant laughter
Kept me healthy
It kept me happy...
Now I am left with nothing
My hair straight and perfect
Clothing always in order
Surrounded by new friends
You would think it may all be perfect
But as I look back,
I knew those captured moments
Show me actually happy

I pretend for a moment it isn't me
These aren't my feelings or actions
These aren't my problems or worries
As I stare at the mess
I expect a tear to come
After all, I've done this all
But in the end, no tears come
And I am left angry

When you really observe
It's almost a shock
You gasp, and can't stop looking
Looking for explanations
Looking for anything
To help you erase it from your mind

in the moment
i was almost embarrassed
to reach out to hold something
that doesn't want to be held
to speak to something,
that doesn't want to be spoken to
i try to push it away
and act like nothings wrong
but i can't get it out of my mind

i can see the little boy he used to be
bright smiles, always laughing
and it makes me smile
the way his cheeks reddened when he was happy
and the way he spoke
i can see how easy life was
how much he was loved
now as i stare into this new boy's eyes
i see pain
he sits silently
he is mysterious, and quiet
i know deep down he is still that little boy
i wish i could find him in there somewhere

i bury my face deep into the pillows
and as i inhale memories fill my mind.
the sudden feeling of safety.
like i all of a sudden know that it's going to be okay
and even if it's not
i can still hide myself
within these pillows.

a new feeling brews inside of me
makes me feel sick
makes me feel hurt
but when it all comes together at the end of a long day
i'm angry
angry that you would even think about that
angry you don't care enough to stop
angry at you