I only loved you
when it was
Convenient
I'm really sorry
that I  didn't think
of you
( When it really mattered.)
What's the matter with my
soul? It isn't correct
but nothing feels wrong.

I feel something , I don't know
if it's "sorry".

Looking into the void.
I think I seen you.

Reached out.
We met again.

For the first time.

It was love


Possibly maybe.

holding on to right now.


Frozen. your face perfection.

Eyes closed.

Waiting so anxiously for you
to open them.

You don't.
   My heart arrested by your beauty.
   Shatters when you chose not
   to look at me.



I don't feel any signs of growing.

The orchid is flowering
Opening,
a living mandala
Next to my bed
I hear it in my dreams
It's telling me very strange things
About the chemistry between us
And what being a flower really is
And what it really means.

There's a lot to learn.

The orchid whispers in chemical symbols

I danced through the night one night
I drank water in the desert
The sweetest taste, I've ever known
I heard a sound I've never heard before
The buzzing of Chi
Blowing in
while the curtains fluttered
In the night time wind.

Our time I know is limited
Forever wilts away

But while the orchid is flowering
That's for another day

I find myself longing for the scent of the night and at least
One more dream to go.

Waking up to a heavy chest
My body begging me to sleep again
And my anxiety begins the second I realize I'm alive
I'm trying to learn to function
With all of this negative energy inside me
I know it'll pass and
I know it'll get better
But right now it hurts
I feel unloved
Unloveable
I feel lost inside myself
A place I can't stay too long
Before I lose my mind
I can tell myself I'm worth it and
That my worth isn't defined by others
And it works for a bit
Until something else comes up and
My heart loses its energy
And I either feel like giving up
Or ready to fight everyone

the sun drips
like
a
yellow yolk

oozes
down
the gold knots
of my spine
breathe the first of Spring days
the radio plays our favorite song

i see you backwards
quickly
all the times we had
vulnerable;
gone.

the sky is blue, the lake is blue
your eyes are blu
and they say i look like your
sister
oh gods. help me
i can’t feel anything
except you
and everything here is you

Left behind
the me, I never could find,
blurred negatives,
burned.
The smoke conceals
all the False Positives.
Stop Praying
if you refuse to believe,
that mirror is a liar.
Instant Karma came to get you
but you were Too Far Gone.

I lost a world,
I never owned.
A fleeting isle
of blood and bone.
I walked eight miles
all alone
down the broken glass strewn
black sand shore.

I cut off a limb
I no longer use.
I sung a hymn
to a skeletal muse.
I lost a world,
in the blink of an eye.
Down near the waterline
where dreams go to die.

You can't cry off a metamorphosis,
you can't buy back the light
swallowed by the abyss,
you can't lie through lips
locked in a kiss.
I lost a world,
I wish I missed

Hard and fast
the line is secured.
To a forgotten dock
my boat is moored.
I lost my oar,
when I jumped overboard.
I lost my place
in the world of my past.

Gutless ghouls
haunt this hellish wood.
I'd rant and rail,
it would do no good.
If I tried I'd fail
to be understood,
I lost a world,
and even if I could
I'd never go back,
to the ship of fools.