Isn’t it lovely
Pieces of my shattered heart
Like petals of a rose
Spread
Across our bedroom floor
Oh
     Hello
You’re never coming home

I thought I sensed you
Come into my room

I thought I felt
Your lips on mine

I thought I heard you
Whisper...
       Something....
That’s forever lost in time

Cause as always
I was too busy
Writing everything down.

At first
He didn’t
Know
How
His words
Cinched
Tight around
Her throat,
Extracted
Air
From her lungs
Slowly
Until
She was taut
And vacant.
But then
He learned
Words
As
Weapons
He found
He couldn’t
Help
But wield.

I’m stumbling around in the dark
When you clutch my shoulders.
(I’m probably thirsty,
Or going to ***.)
“I love you so much,”
I hear you say.
“I’m so sorry.”
And I think I hear tears in your voice.
And maybe it’s my tequila and benadryl,
Or your whiskey and coke,
But probably it’s both.
“Forever,”
I hear myself say,
And I know you feel tears on my face.
“Forever.”
And you refill my water while I *** in the dark.

The most recent
Day one.
Your stillness
Thrashes.
Your silence
Screams.
And I hope
This stays a one.
I don’t dare hope
That there’s a two.
And I wish you would struggle out loud.

“My dear,”
I start.
But where
From here?
I search
For magic words
Unspoken,
The ones
With the power
To guide him home.
And with the power
To remind you it’s his.
But the “come home” words
Are worn and weak
From use.
Like I am worn and weak
And used
To the way things have become.
And even alone
With my pencil
I fall into silence.

Some days
(Especially those that echo with
“Move,” and
“Hurry,” and
“Do, do, do... but don’t!...”)
Those days
I may just sit,
And breathe,
And come back to sitting
And breathing
And if it takes
Every moment
Of my practice
To arrive,
Still,
I find myself there.

Today
That space
I seek
And find
Was slippery
And sloped.
I found myself,
Over
And over,
Sliding forward
Into
Tomorrow,
Into
Next month,
Into
And Then
Into
What If
And
One Day.
But
When I let go
I found,
At the bottom,
The sought.

I woke
Hesitant
To do so,
Not quite ready
For the next
To be now.
Yet
So it was,
(And so I woke)
And so it kept
Being.
Now.
And now.
And now.
And now.
And then,
In a moment,
Still and shadowed,
I caught up.
And woke again.