her petals wilted
a beautiful blue
radiating a subtle hue,
the suns beams reveal her glow
she carries her head high even when feeling low.
pushed and shoved
deserving of more love,
protect her with all your heart
please lean on me when you fall apart,
stronger brighter than any other.
the cold breeze and rough winds
bend your stem and take with them some petals
but babe your beautiful blue
your radiant hue,
will always and forever be a part of you

missing you
or missing the memories.
The loving looks,
the long nights,
the never ending drives.
I miss your attention
our daily check ins
our "step by step".
But something
interrupted my love
for you.
I still don't know what
why
or how.

It's too easy to talk to you
you know me
you know my emotions

from the start i was drawn in
i felt seen and heard
to learn again, you
were already being loved wholeheartedly
the way i wanted to for you

it's odd how easily it is for me to believe
that because of the rarity of my expectations
being met, though they are high
tend to fall already in place with another
it's frustrating to linger between the ideas
continue pursuing and answer the questions
or lean into fully pursuing myself completely

again bothered by my immense pursuit
of those the universe offers as lessons or
pure experiences apart of life
bothered by my self deprecation while
trying to learn the ropes of early adulthood
feeling older than i am
yearning for those ahead of me
rather than my past of before me

through thinking it through i would still be
grateful
to become friends and enjoy the moments to be
shared
although i know it'll hurt to be less than i'd want
to with you

it's the 26th of April and I'm having my first cig to myself
on my balcony alone at 10:26pm.
today i had to spend time with neighbors saying their goodbyes to oj.
i think we're petting him down tomorrow.
i'm listening to imagine by john lennon on my headphones lol.
it's a full moon so i'm gonna set some intentions
i am powerful
my voice is heard
new beginnings will find me
i feel loved
money flows to me in abundance
opportunities are coming
i love myself
i release what no longer serves me
i am open to the universe and the divine
i surrender to nature
i am achieving my dreams

but goes to buy crab
gets mad when i don't want to drive
because he doesn't have gas
yet he leaves me out of my own plan
to go get crab with money from dad

needs to pay registration bills
so he asks dad for "help"
realizes he also has to pay renewal for his insurance
plus other things like smog check
ends up being like $500 he doesn't have
aka dad covers him for now

every time we meet
I feel like it will get easier,
to leave you.
every time we meet
I want more time with you.
every time I hold you
I don't want to let go.
every time we kiss,
I want it to linger
for longer.
every time we hug,
I want it to last
a lifetime.
every time I get on the train
I travel farther away
from your touch.
every time
I want more of you.

I know I get quiet
I know you worry,
sometimes my words
get twisted and go unheard.
I try to speak my truth
but I forget how to understand,
how I feel.
in these moments
I just ask for some patience,
I'm trying my best
to help us both understand
myself.
I care so much
I lose my touch,
of stability and focus.
my brain needs time
to find its way back
to a straight line.

has and always will be
one of my biggest inspirations
from a young age she's taught me to remain
focused on my passions and curiosities, while
staying beautifully humble.
never in my life have i had the honor of meeting anyone so familiar.
she is such a big part of my being.
i will continue to make her proud.

she warmed any room with laughter and brutally honest jokes
i will carry her in my heart with me wherever i go forever.
the emotions to process this loss has yet to find me.
i will never forget how she allowed herself to stay silly
kind through it all. to enjoy the time
we're granted while we have it.
she is a driving force reminding me to BE ME for ME

to live in my truth and embrace the hardships
that ask us to move forward in our journeys.
unbelievably grateful for all she's brought into this world,
the life she's shared with us.

through all that she's faced, she always found the silver linings.
what's the fun in taking everything so seriously
there is none.

swimming, painting, drinking, living life on her own terms

he's moving on
He found someone new
super new in fact
but they were good enough
for him to say
"im sorry :(".
but you weren't looking for anything serious?
Not my information to know
Not my life to live
Not my *** to have anymore.
A bit confusing considering you wanted me
a few weeks ago.
That's alright, it's okay.
I loved the time we shared while it lasted

for now I'm a little confused and saddened by the
loss of our anyways temporary days together.
but grateful for how you treated me
how you shared with me and listened to me
how you held me and looked at me
how you wanted to see me and how you made
time for me
How we made it work and how we connected so
fast
how I met ur friends and you paid for my overnight tickets
how you held my hand in public and acted like i
was yours for the moment
how you asked for my opinion and cared about my
needs while you were with me
but that's settled
I have my closure
I'll move on

I knew exactly how it would end as soon as I met you,
so strangely
giving me peace

seeping in all the crevices
reconnection
he's like a sickness I can't sleep off
but the warmth he shows
pulls me in like before.

what to think
anymore.
I want to write
my brain won't
create
poems like before.
this is ******
****
what a pity.
I think
I'm trying to hard

But I don't like it
It's uncomfortable
But so comfortable.
I'm angry
I'm sad
I'm excited
I'm worried.
But it all feels the same
it's all on the same level.
I think my brain
Is used to the constant commotion

how i resort to self medication
it helps my brain calm down
when i'm in overdrive.
the sun rises
and i recognize
the consequences of my actions.
it could be worse
One last pic and I'll be home
I'll be dead by dawn.
i don't want to continue this way
hand cuffed to the vices
I want better for myself
my therapist has seen me twice this week
yet i feel like I'll see her soon

i'd fill it to the brim
with things i love.
It would scream
HEY! THIS IS ME
I'd have plants on the windowsills
a desk for my art and studies.
I'd have my pink cart
Full of journals, washi tape, watercolor paint,
acrylic paint, pens, paint pens, brushes, canvases,
colored pencils, stamps earring crafts, tape,
stickers, snacks and drinks.
Just like now but in my own space
Ambient lighting, candles and crystals
All I could ever want.
What would soothe my soul

which is why i still haven't brought him up
as much as i explain to her she's gonna read right through me
and we both know i already see it

i know it's bad enough when i've resorted to the notes app

sober me is gonna read this and say
GIRLLLL stand up

with keeping myself together.
i'm trying to work on all the pieces.
i have nothing left.
i have the smallest will to live, even though
i know there is so much to do and see,
people to meet and places to go.
i just don't want to keep feeling how i feel.
i wish i was excited to wake up every morning.
like how i used to be when things felt good.
like when a new day felt like a new start.
not now
all it feel like is endless days.
the weeks repeat themselves.
the thoughts and feelings crawl back,
and i crumble at their touch.
i feel so dead
but so alive because i have so much going on.
i feel dead because i keep telling myself,
i will get through this exhausting time.
we're all struggling. i know.
but *******
it really hurts all the time
just to be
here.

trying to find the right way
to want to do this but I don't think there is
a right way to want to do this but i don't think
there is a right way to most things.
so
Very deeply I've been feeling the urge to confront you
about a multitude of things
But i've also felt myself pull away from the idea
because i'm not a confrontational person.
You've hurt me in many ways which I've made clear already,
but yet I've gotten no apology
which tells me you're not sorry and you don't care.
Maybe you do, you tell me you do
but your actions are way louder than your words in my ears.
I'm not gonna be here for you anymore
I need to call you on your ******* cuz you give me way 2 much
of it.
I want to believe you and usually do but I don't anymore.

people change i get it
that's not an excuse to be ******
not to the one who gave and gave
but got a mirage instead to spare their feelings.
say it how it is

ur muddling me stepping on me
hoping for reconnection and closure
loose promises

The prettiest girl
with her ginger curls
a genuine muse,
but to her she sees dark blues.
I wish she could love herself
as much as I do.
Six years and counting
we're so strong and secure,
I want to provide everything for her.
My soulmate, my bestfriend
I promise we will never be put to an end.
We've been through it all together,
honestly I believe it's been for the better.
Our bruises have taught us how to love
how to fight, how to cry, how to fly.
For you I'd do anything
because to me your worth absolutely everything,
There's so much more to come
so bubs just keep holding on.
Don't ever think I'm not by your side,
my love for you will never die.
You are my world,
the moon,
and the sky.
Thank you for lifting me up,
even when life gets really rough.

Love you forever

on my chest
love you with every breath.
it's been tough
you've had enough.
noise so loud
in your mind,
let it out
one tear at a time.
nothing more craved
than to be with you
everyday.
I wish I could help
when all you can do,
is let yourself melt.

By death
Distance
Desire
Loss
By proximity
Purpose
Passion
Presence
Loss
By curiosity
Amusement
Loss
By anger
Manipulation

for I want you to be happy
the anxiety
She brings upon you
angers me.
For you deserve
Clarity
And a clear conscious

we only have one moment
each individual day
where nothing will ever be the same.
days and months repeat
years do not.
every second
we are somewhere else