I let different boys touch me
Because I wanted to know
Even for a second
What it felt like to be loved
Even if the love was cheap
And it tasted like ***
Like the punchline to a joke
I never got because it was me

I let different boys have different parts of me
Parts they didn't deserve
But I offered up willingly because I couldn't give anything else
after you broke me
I was looking for different fingers
to place different pieces and hoping  the outcome
would be a masterpiece
Maybe one of them would find a way
to cover up the handprints you left all over me

I let different boys touch me because I had to prove to myself
you wouldn't be the only one
that these scars marking my body wouldn't define
my worth to be loved
I am not entirely sure  
you aren't the only one who could ever touch me without slightly  flinching

I let different boys touch me because that is all I have been taught
To be a joke
To be silent
To be ready to give until you have nothing left
- they keep leaving me and I am to scared to offer up anything more than my body to get them to stay

what’s worse?
loosing your love to death
or
loosing you love to loss of love?

i like to believe it is death
the thought of knowing they won’t be giving their all to someone else
knowing that you are truly the last person that made them happy

loosing someone to loss of love could possibly be the worst thing a heart could go through
knowing someone else will get all the love you once had and quite possibly more

i know death is inevitable
death doesn’t stop because you aren’t ready
but it doesn’t settle with me
yet, i’d rather my love be dead rather than dead to me
if i had to lose you at all.

Alam kong masakit para sa akin
ang unti-unting tuklasin ang katotohan
sa mga taong nakakaalam ng aking nakaraan,
Ngunit ito ang tangi kong paraan
upang damdamin nila ay hindi masaktan
kahit sa umpisa pa lang ay hawak ko nang ako ay isang talunan.

Kung hindi niyo kayang sagutin
ang mga katanungan kong paulit-ulit kong itinatapon,
bakit kailangang idaan sa ibang uri ng paligsahan?
Ano ba ang tingin niyo sa akin
isang laruan na kapag nagsawa na ay basta na lamang ninyong iiwan
o isang paluwagan na kapag tapos na sa pangangailangan ay ipagwawalang bahala na parang basahan?

Tunay ba ang bawat mga salitang
naisisiwalat ninyo sa tuwing nagsasabi ako ng totoo
sa tunay na kalagayan ng puso at katawan ko?
Masama bang itanong ang mga bagay na paulit-ulit
kong hinihingian ng konkretong kasagutan?

Kung hindi ako naniniwala sa inyo
bakit paulit-ulit kayong tinatanggap ng puso at isipan ko
at hindi kailanman nawaglit o isinantabi ang bawat isa sa inyo?

Bakit kapag ang taong mahal ninyo
na paulit-ulit na nagagalit sa inyo ay tila wala lang iyon sa inyo
pero kapag ako na ang magsasaboy ng mga salita, aba at bigla na lamang kayong mag-aalburoto?

Nasaan ako diyan sa mga puso ninyo?
Nasa loob ba o nasa labas?
O baka naman paulit-ulit kong huhulaan  na walang AKO kahit sumiksik pa ang aking sarili sa inyong katawan.

Ayoko nang makipag-chat, wala namang nag-me-message.
Ayoko nang tumawag, wala namang nagsasalita.
Ayoko nang mag-text, wala namang nag-re-reply.
Ayoko nang mag-email, wala naman akong natatanggap na sagot.

At alam mo ang pinaka-ayaw ko sa lahat?

Ayoko nang magmahal, lagi na lang akong nasasaktan.

I LIKE TO SAY YOUR NAME

I like to say
your name

when you're
not here

turn you
into sound

conjure you out of
thin air

so that you appear
before me

dressed in sound
only

memory sketching in
the rest of you

as if sound
was just an outline

and love
colours you in

adding the voice last
so I can hear you say.

"Hello you..!"
and there you are

as present
as present

can be.

I like to say
your name

when you're
not there.