pain makes others creative, why do i have to be the one
who becomes empty? i can't move my fingers properly.
my brain has rusted, it is covered in cobwebs and dust. i have tried so hard to make peace with my demons but they refuse to let me move.
they pierced their fangs into me and they are draining me of everything i once was. i am a limpless, grey figure in this white room and
i am invisible. it's shifting between complete numbness
and excruciating agony, they're rolling a dice each
day to decide which it is.
pain makes others creative,
why do i have to be the one who becomes empty?

i hope that one day
you can learn to love
my mind the way you
love my body
                            l.r.

It seems that my heart is made to be tortured;
It always fell into people who don't understand.
It seems my joy is in not knowing,
Because pain is the only thing I get.
I'm ashamed of my words.
I'm ashamed of myself.
I'm ashamed of my thoughts.
I'm ashamed of my heart.
I never get to say what I want to say,
I never get to say a truth,
Because once I do, all will change;
I'll lose the ones I love;
Though they don't love me that much.
It's hard to be different,
Knowing that all you hold on to will let you go,
Knowing that you're not yourself anymore.
I can't stretch enough what I want to shout.
Instead I write words that don't make sense.
At least in nonsense, I find myself.
I want to leave it all behind.
I want to find the things that make me smile again.
I want to find true people.
I want to find, me.

**But that'll never happen.

There once was girl
Who knew nothing but loneliness
She was a friend to all making her a friend to none
She cared for everyone but never showed out of fear of being broken
Yet again
She was in constant company but never felt it, on the inside
She loved people too quickly and too deeply, yet they never knew
She was silently being torn apart by people who never really knew her
Silently tears ran down her face so many times
In rooms where there was no compassion, no empathy
Her shoulders hunched, chest caving in, and face broken
Broken with confusion and pain and suffering
She believed that she was truly alone in this world
She never knew... she never knew how many people
How many people she meant the world to
How many people cried after they spoke to her about the deepness of the heart
How many people searched in so many places so that they might help this beautiful soul
How many people she had saved
She was blind
By self-loathing, self-doubt
She hated herself so much that she didn't even see the love people had for her

Sometimes
I still
Think of you

Only hundreds of miles away
A train took me away
So far, far away
To a new day

I regret to say
That even though mostly
I've forgotten
Let go of the past
Finally
Some days I think about you and
Us
The happy and the sad
The times we snuggled up together
In the morning before you had brushed your teeth
So you refused to kiss me
But I still stole kisses from you anyway

And then sometimes
I remember the breakup
And how ugly it got
And how cruel we became
Slandering each other to our friends
And calling each other names
So I wonder if it was true love
Like we said it was
And even if the onlookers disagree
I think I know
That we loved each other, maybe, once

I fear intermittently,
I get terrified
Of the thought
That I will never fall in love again
With someone else
The way I fell in love with you

And some alien longing
That I try so eagerly to repress
Is still beating in my chest
Some wish born 6 years ago
When I was so young
And we held each other in our arms
And I told you I loved you
And you got so excited, you almost cried
And you kept telling me again and again and again
"I love you. I love you. I love you!"

And then eventually,
Months later
those words evaporated
As we separated
And even though we claimed to still love each other
I could no longer find a genuine love in you
And I think it had left me too
Only to be replaced by selfishness and hate

I have
This weird dream
Two people sitting at a screen
One expressing her soul
The other receiving,
Reading
But where does this knowledge go?
My intention is to move your soul
But does it fail?

Sometimes I still think of you
And I find it unwarranted
But I can't help myself from sinking back into the
Warmth of these memories
The nostalgia brings me ease
It takes me back to a time
When I still held hope in my youthful heart
Before the trauma reshaped me
Before the disease
Of my identity
Re-made me
Into this cynical, skeptical being
Who can't receive relief

Sometimes I experience
A vestigial grief
For everything I once had
That I took for granted.

I thought the world was big enough for me;
palms that hold the ocean together so
it doesn’t escape between locked fingers,
loveless wrists that drown in the abyss where
I occupy this space that isn’t mine.

I need to be less than I am to fit in between
bars,
so I can escape the prisons of this gruesome insanity
darling, stitch my bones together before
I collapse into scattered pieces
take away from the numbers and make them smaller
like my throbbing heart
and hide those starless veins where there’s no breath
and don’t forget to make a fortress out of my dying skin
for the birds no longer sing on delicate silk sheets