When you spend your entire life comforting yourself
you tend to forget exactly who you are
and I've been looking in the mirror more,
not because I like what I see but because I want to understand
my existence, I don't want to feel pretty I want to know if that's one of my labels
I don't want to feel loved, I want to know if I am.
And when you stare at your reflection you are given the ability to see
the shell of your body, divorced from feelings divorced from itself,
something your very much alive flesh can't accomplish and trust me I've tried
I've tried I've tried
It's a type of death when you miss out on your own life.
It's a type of death when you're too busy hoping people love you
that you disconnect, cut the cord, there was no goodbye, only
camouflaged lies lies lies
And I comfort myself and I comfort myself and shh it's okay
and I play the role of a lover and you'd think that
due to the immense amount of time I tell myself it's fine
that I wouldn't mind when I get let down, dropped
waking up on cold sheets and a numb heart

when the lighting shatters every last thing you ever thought you needed I'll be here, I'll still be here, my hands wide open like they're soaked in blood, I will pry every last tendon from my bone to prove to you I know what hurt looks like, this, no: this, is not what they call getting better. sometimes our hearts beat for no other reason than they don't know how to stop, sometimes people turn away and leave and never come back and we don't know why, mother, can you hear me? you said there'd be days like this but you never told me how to handle them when they turn into my every day. remember that one time in December? when you finally realized I might need some help or I'd die younger than our dog? I was upstairs contemplating killing myself and you were downstairs screaming about ***** dishes. this is not healing, I'm not going to pretend I know what that is, but I know something's changed, the stars aren't telling me to self-destruct anymore, and that's gotta count for something, right?

maybe i like the way he makes me feel wanted and worthless at the same time. maybe i like the way he breaks my heart but stitches it back together with his kisses. maybe i like the way he never calls me beautiful, but the way he looks at me when i enter the room sends chills down my spine letting me know he thinks so. maybe i like the way he sends me home crying until 4 in the morning and texts me telling me he loves me two hours later. and maybe, just maybe i like the way he hurts me. maybe i put up with all of this because i'm just too scared to loose him.

the day i fell in love with you
the sky was grey
the water looked grey
everything seemed grey... but me

i should have known that the color
was a warning
telling me to not fall in love with you

now everything
is full of color
     but me

j.f

I should have known that
when you said I was the moon and
you were the stars

that the moon is soon replaced by the sun

j.f

I wish you would lie to me
once more  
and say I love you
(please) do as I say and lie to me
I know you can read this
and when you do
(if you ever do)
this is your sign of please don't (come) back
don't put me under your skin again
don't put me in the (back) of your thoughts again
don't  hurt me

(to) infuse poison into my veins was one thing  
but to let (me) die for you instead of falling
knowing we weren't for one another was another thing

j.f

I just want somebody who wants
to ******* mind at 3 am
who doesn't get annoyed by my jealousy and by me texting them
in all caps when I'm happy and
texting them 6 times in a row
someone I can walk with at the park
and stay 5 hours on the swings
just laughing and talking about anything that pops up onto our minds
somebody who isnt afraid to catch me when I fall for them
I want someone who
kisses my forehead
holds my hands and
never wants to let go
I want someone who knows me
inside and out and
knows what I'm thinking just
by glancing at me
someone I can sing along
to the radio with
someone who chooses me over anyone else and doesn't think twice about it

I just really want that to be you

j.f

I can't sleep at night
there's an emptiness in the dark
that Im trying to get a hold of
and its when you'd keep me
up till 3 am because you cared

It's been 2 months since
you found her and
since we actually spoke
but you're still in my heart and
still keeping me up late at night.
You actually expect me to forget the words, the lies you told me,
our nights, us, you.
You expect me to just pretend none of this ever happened
only because you found her and she now owns your nights

but you know why it's so ******* impossible for me to just let go of you? Because every song, every book and every movie,  reminds me of you
you ruined my favorite things and now I can't even listen to a song because I know you liked it and I would tell you i liked it because it reminded me of your words
now my favorite song is the song I hate the most

you brought me back from hell just to bring me right back in it and oh god I felt heaven for a while and it was all you, it was you, I hate you.
You ****** me up with the phrase "I like you as a friend" after everything you ever said to me I hate you I hate you I can't wait for the day I fall asleep without you in my head, without the tears in my eyes and fall asleep with a smile in my face because I know I deserve better

j.f