i remember when i was in 8th grade i wrote a really sad poem
it talked about how the bullying brought me to a numb feeling
after i wrote that poem i realized that poetry made me feel things again
whether they were good or bad
poetry helped me

but now when i write poems
i still love them just as much
its just
i want to feel numb again
i wish i could feel numb again

because most of the time i pretend i'm alright
i'm 18
I DON'T GIVE A ****
right?

no
not right
i give way too many *****
i give the most *****
i feel judged everywhere i go
on everything i wear
and everything i do

so it kind of *****
when one of the things that i've learned to love to do
turns into something that makes me cope with my emotions
and my insecurities
like no
go away
can you not with the feelings

i just want to get drunk
smoke ****
and have fun

the real world can wait
and even if it decides to go anyway

there is no way i'm dealing with it
not right now

it's just too much

it is actually quite nice not having to see you
or worry about seeing you once a week

i never used to know when you would turn up at work
or maybe the supermarket
or even driving around in your Jeep

but now i'm three hours away
and i was completely 100% right when i said this would help

because yeah i think of you every day
if not twice a day

but i don't see you anymore
and now when i get a message
or a call

it's more like a friendly reminder
of the love that i used to feel
and how we would laugh
and you would grab my sides

instead of an ongoing steak
plunging itself into my heart
and putting pain in my stomach

i never see you anymore
so i don't have hurt anymore

but that scares me
because what happens when i come back
and i do see you
for the first time
in months

will it start over
or will my feelings be gone,
and will you be starting over?

being in college is actually really fun
there are cute boys
actually hot boys
everywhere

so i don't mind walking to class everyday
seeing their sweaty abs in this heat

but at the same time i scold myself for even looking
because i feel unworthy

i hate to be the typical white girl who hates her body
but i do
i don't want to
but its almost like a disease that i can't stop

i'm addicted to putting myself down
and in my eyes that's almost worse than drugs

help me i'm insecure

i've been wanting to write a poem for some time
but i've been stopping myself

i don't know if i'm afraid of the rejection
or that my poem will actually be good
and someone i care about might see it

or you might see it

either way the idea of someone seeing another vulnerability terrifies me
but at the same time its exciting

i'm not sure
i don't really get myself either

If men were toys that you could buy at a store
And create like Legos or Bionicles or Lincoln Logs
Each time I would try to put together my perfect man

And each time I would build a less perfect you

I don't understand
how my heart has a feeling
it's just supposed to beat
and put liquid life through my veins.

but when I think of you
and know that I will never have you
and that it was indeed the last hug
the last kiss
the first time and last time I held your hand

it hurts so bad.

I want to tell it that it is confused
no heart
don't do that
stop.

there isn't a hole there
if there was I would be dead.

but why does it feel like that?
that my chest is continuously caving in
that all pressure is on one spot.

no heart
don't do that
stop.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I care about you so much and I want you to be happy. I'm sorry that every day I think about you and hope that you're having a good day even if I'm not. Even if its the worst day of my life I'm sorry I still hope your day is perfect. I'm sorry that I never want one tear to drop and I never want to see one frown. I'm sorry that I want your life to be perfect beyond measure. But I'm mostly sorry that you do not want me. I'm sorry that I'm not as artistic and I say stupid things and I'm not as pretty because I don't like to wear a lot of makeup. I'm sorry that I think of things that you would like to see me in and clothes that you would like to see me wear. I'm sorry that I want to lose weight so you may think that I have an attractive and fit body. I'm sorry that I imagine everything over and over again in my head. I'm sorry I'm crying while typing this. Most of all things over everything, I'm sorry that I complimented your eyes without your glasses. I'm sorry that when I had you I left you and broke you more than I ever can realize. I'm sorry you don't feel anything anymore, and I'm sorry that you're the only thing that is keeping me alive. I'm sorry I met you. You'll never see me again. I love you. I'm not sorry for that.