I'm trapped
In this circle of sadness
And I can't get out
I try my hardest
I scream every night
I want to escape this town

I wanna drive away
I want to do stupid things
I wanna get in trouble
I want to find the tiny beautiful towns
I will escape
And you will come for me again

I wear my mask
In hopes you don't see me
Die

I will continue to wear my mask
It's comfortable
It keeps me safe
I can be who I want
Instead of myself
Who no one wants anyway

It is okay to miss me
it is okay to cry 
you deserve freedom
from the day I died
know that I still love you 
know that I still care 
I never have left you
I'm here from up high
and when that day comes 
we can be together again.

I used to hold
The sun in my hand
The day you left
I listened to Frank Sinatra
Trying to lull myself to sleep
I wonder
If the weight
Of the diamond
In your pocket
Holds you down
I pour my tears
Into a singing bowl
An unexpected sore throat
Crying hoarse tears
Over miles of separation
I hate silence
I miss being
Quiet with you
I miss being
With you
I am full of shame
In the same dark in which
You used to fill
Me with love
My dreams don't chase you
I wake up breathless
With no one to catch me
Screaming inside of my head
PLEASE
Please don't let me go
Time is slower now
I don't like myself anymore
You asked me
To visit you
In your dreams tonight
How could I refuse
Steps towards you
The easiest I have ever taken
The softest hello
Ever tasted on my lips
The last thing I taste
Your sweet kiss
My arms don't defy gravity
As well as yours do
I try to mimic
The way they weighed on me
It's never the same
I wait patiently
For the smell of comfort to return
Dripping life from your lips

Maybe this whole time 
I've been mistaking
this body as a punching
bag... or maybe this body 
is the punching bag 
that has been accepting
all of the hits.

My brain is wired this way,
obsessed with everything other than 
what it ¨should¨ be
With being small enough that if I breathe
my skin may start to bleed from
the aching bones inside of me.
The obsession with being perfect
or to be anyone,
other than me.

I've spent a lifetime
cultivating this
hatred towards myself
and I'm too alone to leave it
and too scared I never will.