I didn't know moaning had two purposes. for real.
and this isn't meant to be ******.

but when you're rolling over the couch
over
and over
and ******* over again
and nothing seems to make sense,
especially the times you force air in and out of your throat....

why the moaning?

because I know for one
panicking
is not pleasurable

What classifies as a panic attack?

Maybe it's the breathing that escapes me when I think about the past, the future, but most of all, the present.

Maybe it's the horrible thoughts that stampede loudly through my head begging to be written out onto my skin.

Or maybe it's the inconstant shaking that decides it can be controllable only when it doesn't have to be.

I miss my little self.

She didnt panic over words, not like I do.

i just wish i could fall over on cue.

just to be able to snap my fingers and collapse, wouldn't that be perfect?

the great thing about it would be that
i'd only have to do it
once.

because who dies twice?

i'm so sick of living.
i'm so sick of being punished for doing what i'm told.
i'm so sick of doing what seems right but then learning it's wrong.
i'm so sick of not being able to write anything anymore.
i'm so sick of them.
i'm so sick of her.
i'm so sick of him.
I'm so sick of myself...

is this my last? maybe.
is this my first? perhaps.

all i know is I really don't want to be alive to reread this later.

does it bother you when my mind starts racing and one moment i'm thinking of what great friends were and the next it's all what-if-we-weren't and what-if-i-lose-you and all the **** that you say constantly that i should never worry about but i can't exactly help it and then i feel bad for feeling bad and wonder if you're annoyed but can't exactly stop worrying because that's just how i operate but i can just sit and hope that you understand...

...do you?

i've had a flu for the last week and a half i can't sleep at nights anymore because i can't breathe but i haven't taken any medicine because i want to fight it myself i want to fight this myself i am stronger than these pills and i will fight with my own body my own strength i will go down fighting i cannot rely on external substances i cannot rely on something or someone to save me i have to save myself i HAVE to save myself i have to save myself save myself save myself it's my mantra: I HAVE TO SAVE MYSELF and i'm thinking of the time my luggage was wrecked and my purple lamp was in there and that lamp was a memory because i remember you turned it on while you lay on top of me so that you could see me just a little better (i wanted it dark so that i didn't have to see myself) you wanted to see the curves on my body because you loved me and i can see you infront of me right now while i type this there in those black jeans with your broad shoulders and your mouth just a little softer than my own and just like that lamp my love was wrecked and it came back in more than two pieces the ocean just wasn't kind enough wasn't soft enough it didn't care enough to transport my love with the care it needed and tell me do you remember the time i screamed save me no wait get away from me save me love me get away from me and you touched me then moved back because you didn't know what i needed you didn't know how to save me but you knew how to love me. that was enough. it was enough. you were enough. enough. enough.
and just like the pills i refuse to take you were that drug i was too scared to need and that dependency broke me and that fear is breaking me and i love you enough for the both of us but like that purple lamp i'm just a little broken and i'm fighting to light up the room and see things just a little clearer and on my way back from school today i saw the electric boxes with warning signs and i opened the car door and walked to them and i tried pulling the 440 volt wires to touch them and fry myself; maybe i'd light up then but someone saw me and i ran and i ran to my house and my mom doesn't know that i'm suicidal but that's okay because i don't have the guts to **** myself anyway *(but i tried today).

When you can remember apologizing a thousand times in your head
*But can't remember if you said it out loud