And would it have been better, after all,
after these months full of suggestions
leading all ways to find the one
that would
perhaps
point to a chance
for change in stasis,
running the risk it be
revealed as but another dry oasis
adding to those we left behind?

Would it have been less painful
to postpone, again, the action,
have suffering continue as before
when it appears to have become a habit,
but does not seem, for that,
less of a pain that daily tears your heart?

How to improve the second-best solution,
feeling the best is out of reach for now?
How not to hurt the other,
driven to take the first step
out of tune
in the prevailing dance of possibilities
that threatens to go round and round again?

How to let temporary logic
rule over whispering love,
how to ignore my pain
that looks at me out of your eyes
in shock and disbelief?

How to explain
that I do love you even more, not less -
when your blank look cuts me
in half and lets me know that you
believe old fears have now come true?

So, would it have been better,
after all,
after the pain, the hard words
and the crying, the mutual reproaches,

to have left things unsaid, untouched
and stumbling as they were?

I do not know.

If it turn out
this change was for the worse
and not the better,
I will have learned
maybe you, too
and we can take our steps
into our futures
sadder and wiser
   for all the years
   spent separately
   together

          * *

like waterfalls
   words stream
   from lips

hours pass
in animated conversation
grammatically correct sentences
quite entertaining at times

behind
   the flood of words
important things
remain unsaid

your body
   my body
together
   apart

they remember
they recognize
   each other
register sensations
exchange molecular information

   receptors and synapses clicking
   data processed in nanoseconds

output:
you are the one I love

sad I am
     and go to bed
lock my heart up
     from inside
in my soul
     I dim the light

so none sees
    so none hears
all the fury
   all the pain
struggling in my flood of tears

right in the eye
of history
I walk
among the crowds
that taste
the absence of confinement

an unfamiliar space

between the band stands
on the avenues
where people
test a freedom
newly won
still strange
as yet in need
of daily reassurance

crossing and recrossing
the big gate
and the bridges
that for generations
connected nothing
marked divisions kept
   by guns and barbed wires
   and well-lit empty spaces
   between walls
   watched from towers

the new reunion
brings happy smiles for most
   quiet tears for some
new doubts for many
who  are uncertain
now
about their lives together
after decades
of separation

right in the eye
of history I walk

just now and then
a little bit afraid
that she might
rub her eye

just now

that afternoon
   when we arrived
   for coffee & cake
   at the Vienna TV-tower
   I saw a bundle
   on a stretcher
   right by the entrance

I did not tell you
   what I learned
   from the flustered manager
   who quickly ushered us around
   the ominous object

that the crumpled shape
   had jumped from
   the panorama terrace
   not so long before

I would not allow
   a stranger's death
   intrude upon
   our happiness

love
is not a cake
with only so many pieces

it is a force
ever replenishing
bursting forth
from your innermost

it is what you
can give to others

and yet
your self is only
its temporary vessel

however much it may be based
   on individual biochemical reactions
love is the cosmic power
that holds together
our universe

it can
   lift you sky high
   flatten you against a wall
   take your breath away
   leave you wordless
   throw you
      into a dreadful abyss
   misle your senses
   make you talk gibberish now
   beautiful words then

it devastates you
   one moment
and give you unspeakable happiness
   right after

it makes you care
   for your progeny
   as well as for your elders
it makes you do strange things
   in daylight
   and in the dark
it makes you walk for miles
    to see the one

it makes you
   help a blind woman across a busy street
   throw money into a beggar’s cap
  donate to charity

it makes you burn with desire
   to share your utmost self
   with an other
   illuminating the few days of your life
   with the hope of eternal brilliance

it can do all that
because it is
   not a cake
   but an ever-replenishing force

yours
as long as you live

and the cosmos’
as long as it exists

as now
   we end

a cold anger
has almost
   killed my kindness

   turned me
   into granite  

lethal insults
hurled with fury
   shatter on my skin
   leave me
   untouched

I have become
quite invulnerable
to human outrage

maybe this is
what I resent
most

* *

summer rain
pouring down in strings
   suddenly
washes over
   the pain of many years
softly flows over the scars
soaks the old scabs
carrying them away

opening rain

it makes me sigh
   deeply
makes me remember
   moments of love
   hate
   passion
   despair

washing out
  sediments of bitternesses
  from ancient layers
  of thought and memory

it lights my desire
to again live fully
    look into a world of rain
   with fiery eyes

             * *

from the crevices of thought
have grown naked ribs of rocks
shaping into mountain cliffs
on whose peaks thick clouds are wrought

there I stand  shivering
   on drizzling heights
strain mine eyes to find some lights
so I see
     and not miss
steps that lead from the abyss

                  * *

you walk into my mind
   like irresistibly you walked
   into my life
also at unexpected moments

I catch a glimpse of beauty
   and feel you touch my cheek

looking at the screen
   I see your face
   return to me
   a loving smile

you sit beside me
   in your longish yellow dress
   when I am in my car

and when I fall asleep
   or wake up drowsily
   your presence
   hardens my desire
   and makes me catch my breath

the thought of you!

too many years
of mutual grief suppressed
had left
   it seems
only a craving for 'revenge'
and for material security
    in her

and while he would have gladly
left her everything
he needed some things
for himself

and so they fought

the day you left us
was the first day of spring
supposed to
   initiate new life
   signify cyclical energy
   blossoming flowers
   the greening of trees

you
   or your body
decided against it

I do not blame you
for this

I just wish
you had stayed on
a little longer

to answer
   all the questions
   I never took the time
  to ask

to tell my father
   that he is OK
   with all his idiosyncracies

to be assured
   that you have been
   a wonderful mother
   and wife
   even if we not always
   found the words
   to say so

to know
   that your husband
   and your sons
   loved you
   as much as you loved them

I wish

the howto
             is a mighty force
             it tells us
                with authority
             how to
             best navigate the world
             appropriate to the occasion
            
             from love to cars to finances
             it guides us
                to the proper steps
            
             and yet
             it somehow fails
             to say  
             why
                if we follow the directions
             we feel like children
             rather than adults
            
             why
                when all wisdom
                has been eagerly applied
             we still don't know
     why
                 our hands and feet
                 are tied

write a thank-you note
to that woman
in her simple blue dress

talk to your daughter
about important things
of life (= herself )

tell your parents
that you actually love them

have a long chatty walk
with your son

speak out loud
how lovely your partner
looks every morning

start jogging 5 km at least
every other day

give flowers to the secretary
for all those little things
she just keeps doing for you

have a long and patient talk
with your grandparents

love yourself
just a little more

and take better care
of yourself
before ...

the power of disappointment
is always remarkable

how dark
a sunny day
how ordinary
the loveliest loving woman
how destitute
a happy life

in those moments
when we cannot forgive
ourselves

thinking of times
when walking for a mile
took you into a different world
climbing a hill
    through clinging underbrush
filled you with apprehension
of what might be awaiting you
beyond the crest

then
to slowly open up
the pages of a book
was always more
than just a ritual of escape

the not so casual touch
    of a girl’s hard breast
    a boy’s lean hand
upon your shoulder
sent shudders down your spine
of inarticulate hot expectations
and brought wild images to you
at night
in lusting isolation

to keep this core
   the sense of awe
   of wonder and excitement
alive in you against the waves of many years
is not an easy feat
   yet worth the while

it makes you see
    when many just walk by
life’s gracious beauty of small moments

                        * * * *

coming to think of it

the first woman
to whom I ever
had been very close
must have been desperate
to claim a father
for her three-month child
as yet unborn

she came into my bed
   out of the blue
with fierce determination

the mission failed
   I was too cautious
and her rash parting
left me wondering
at her dismay

not until some months later
   when I saw her push the pram
did I become aware I had
   unwittingly
emerged fairly unscathed
from ancient battlegrounds
of social order


* *

if at all,
how to approach?

if approaching,
how to be accepted?

if being accepted,
how to avoid
too much of it?

if successfully avoiding,
how not to hurt
or miss
the most important?

if not avoiding,
how to maintain
yourself?

if maintaining,
more or less,
your sense of self,
how to transcend it?

and if transcending,
how to appreciate
the other
for what s/he is?

how to be close
without the pain
  of loss
upon retreat?

how to acknowledge
that the other
  always is
out there
  and yet
in here?

     * *

there come the days
when frost falls on the soul
tells us to shore up prudently
against the times
of shorter days and darker nights

gather your sticks and bones
and keep them well
so they will burn
   with life and fire
and warm you in the evenings
until that moment when
    in flashing rainbows
you expire

                * *

times are
when words seem
to have lost
their power
to be spoken

they stubbornly refuse
   to form
on the same lips
from which they flowed
only a heartbeat
ago


difficult words
they have become

I love you

forgive me

I love you

a sense of loss
   of lacking
   close to panic

the world spins by
   and leaves me
   in the void

ferocious nightmares
   rise out of
   restlessness expanding

until your voice
   saves me
   from drowning

the darkness of the mind
has gorges fathoms deep
with asphalt bitterness

tar babies of the soul
abound and toddle clumsily  
around in endless orbs
that neither know their center
nor their course

a ghastly crowd
   of orphans
floating by open doors
   unaware

the clouds of cloudland
cast a light of pastel slate
through dripping windowpanes

and as if in a dream
we move and touch
I feel your loving lips
take in all that is yours
all I can give to you
in this enchanted moment
we carved
   in sudden desperation
out of the marble stream of time

           * *

predators of the soul
strike at the unexpected hour
having stalked their prey
for days and weeks and months

suddenly
the sun looks wan
and you know
they are there
waiting

when they attack
it’s almost a relief
and yet
the struggle is
for life
or death

the beast of the jungle
is very strong

it is that other side
of your core
that rears its head
in dark moments

the sharp cry
   of a buzzard
draws widening circles
   in the summer sky

below
   small birds fall silent

a qiet moment
   expands into eternity

I grow tense
and cry your name
wishing so much

   so much

you were here
to share

the pain you feel
howls out within
to be articulate

and haltingly
   you start
to carve its silhouette
on people's minds

knowing that nothing's gained
unless your pain
meets with itself
in others

taking care
of all
the things
we happily buy and pay for
can take
all our time
and make us
   unaware
the people we love
may be left
to take care of
themselves

chasing the jam
in the brioche
bite for bite

between sips
from the double espresso
and glances
at the sun
behind the clouds

the cup goes empty

the jam remains unfound

the sun keeps hiding

the day has begun

        * *

last night
I had a thought
that felt like it might turn
into pure poetry

I clung to it
and tried to make it stay
and grow

but it went on its way

and I to sleep

nothing but memories to keep
   of possibilities

when the loud beep of my alarm
woke me to other thoughts
and yet another day

painfully shrouded
   in the presence
      of your absence
I go about my business

it takes me days
   to rebalance
   and to remember  that
the hurt of missing you
is a result
   of your existence  that
the joy of loving you
   will be fulfilled again  that
   the happiness
      will come back

only then
   can my eyes regain
      their smile
at the world

will we finally know
what we have always
   wanted to
when our lives end

   long expected
   always too sudden

or will it just be
   once more
the old wisdom

we know little
   and that
at the wrong time

my eyes
  see yours
when they awake
to face the world

your lips
return my smile
in dreamy moments

your face
looks into mine
from my reflections
in the polished glass

my voice responds
   to yours
in endless dialogue
through time and space

your body's loving warmth
has taken home
deep down within

I have got you
under my skin

* *

on the first day of spring
my mother died

she had always loved flowers
and had turned
our interior hallway
into a luscious greenhouse
   father was not always happy
   about the falling leaves

in her later years
when skiing was no longer hers
she hated winters
   their long nights
   their waning sun

she was always longing
   for spring
waiting for the day
the morning sun lit up
the kitchen desk again
in her parents’ house
where she was born
   and had grown old

the night before
I had called and told her
that here in the south
the first flowers were already
   dotting the gardens

she had smiled on the phone
   almost inaudibly
speaking had become difficult

   maybe her last images
   were of colorful spring meadows

today at 7.10 a.m.
my mother died

spring has come

days will not pass
   nights always come
   too late
when you are not with me

the cloud that is not you
hangs over me like fog
   strangely transparent
my senses have grown blunt
for anything that is
   not as intense as us

but people smile at me
and I can talk and act
   it seems
quite normally
   they do not know
   that they are only speaking
   to a friendly shell

my real shadow
is holding yours
in our dreams
until we wake again
   and walk  
into each other’s arms

grief can be a temptation
and relief

you plunge into it
immerse yourself
dive to its depths
look at the world
as through a glass
darkly

you meet the others there
   who plunged before
you talk to them and feel
the water slowly rising in your body
and recognize that they
drowned years ago
and you have not

yet

like icebergs
we keep floating
through our lives
   tops in the present
   bulky bodies in the past

what lies unseen below the surface
steadies our course

above
we take it as it comes
sun, rain, and snow & ice & wind

sometimes it melts us down a bit
but overall
it makes the bulks of our bodies grow

the new weighs heavily and
pushes what was new before
   downward
day by long day

until
in balmy southern waters
we slim down
and then
   one day
a final ache splits
upward from the bottom
through the consolidated matter
    of all years

and we drown

* *

one summer night
on the shores of Greece
I almost lost myself
coming home late
from a walk along the shore
   gingerly stepping
between
sleeping bundles in the sand

the wind was soft
the sea warm
the moon full
    and hanging low

I shed my clothes
and swam
   southwestward
toward the moon

soon I left
the shore behind
swimming toward the moon
propelled by energy
   an ache
   primeval
   leg and arm

I swam
   like I never swam before

feeling I could go on
forever
very strong
swimming toward the moon

the moon now covered
all the horizon
and I swam right into
her golden light
in silken waters
that caressed my limbs

Dionysos calling

ride the night
   on fiery wings
   beyond the moon
   to the one you love

lie open-eyed
    clothed only
    in you nervous skin

feel the whisperings
   of the forest
   under a star-speckled
   summer sky

hear deer
   rustle through dry leaves
   on ingrained paths
    
breathe in the night air
    in deep drunken draughts

let your mind wander
    across oceans

be alive

Your eyes
when I am with you
sometimes puzzle me

Where does their loving gaze
come to a rest within me
when it sinks deep
inside myself

What do they see
when they get wide and soft with joy
and seem to look
beyond me
into secret lands?

And when they close
with pleasure
   and a little flutter
am I still there
within them
do they see
  me ?

bristling
    with self-defense
a curt reply
comes quickly to her lips

she thinks
she knows the world
and does not care too much
   about adults
who have always been old
   by definition

looking out for herself
   at sweet sixteen
her body is some thing
   difficult to control

only when
it is obedient
to the swirling figures
   of her dance
her eyes shine deeply
and she has found herself
in delicate motion

my love is like a glowing rose
that grows in an ebony chamber
forever there to stay alive
forever to remember

forever to remember there
how strong once burned a fire
defied the sun and blinded day
so high it dared aspire

some day a storm again
will blow through open doors
will stir the slumbering ember
and raise a flaming rose of love
that burns the ebony chamber

grey times
roll over me
with their silencing howls

they close my mouth
cling to my thoughts
press me downward
where light is not

they love the dark
where one is like the other

no more difference

everything grey

gruesome

the pain
of having to let you
go your way

after such loving days

pulls my face
   into a joyous smile
makes me speak
   words of reassurance
   crack jokes
   ostentatiously enjoy
      a Manhattan at lunch time
   and boisterously hug you
      au revoir

anything
   to overcome
      unshed tears
      the hardening lump in my chest
      the tightening knot in my stomach
      the cold fist that grips my neck
      tightens my throat
      makes my eyes dry
      with the knowledge
         you will not be
         by my side
         for weeks

              * *

around the turn of the year
  Orion looks at me
   head on
on my little loggia

the brilliance of the sky
in a clear winter night
is awesome
and even if I did not
   know the names of the stars
   that give Orion shape
Rigel, Betelgeuse

I would start wondering
about design and meaning
and how I figure in it
    if at all

   whether my astronomer friends
   have terms and explanations
   does not really matter

   it is I
   who has to come to terms
   with what I see    

with the endlessness
   of the universe
the brilliance of its appearance
and the feeling that
   in all of this
my own insignificance
might be
just that

the loving way
   you take me in

and send me out
into an orbit
lit by a million suns
moving in spiraling commotion
toward their brilliant center

the way
   you loving
take me in

space&time;
narrow
to the moment
IT
may happen

nothing
proceeds
beyond that point

the whole universe
folds
into one compact dot

a cosmic black hole
whose invisible energy
holds promise
to burst forth
in brilliant stars of

salvation
elation
liberation

another big bang

this time

maybe

with a whimper

I weave a tender fabric
of many gentle threads

   if needed
you can pull it over you
and feel cozy

I am there for you
in times of bliss
despair  
or anger

to lean upon
also to hit
yell at or fight

I want you
wildly at times
rough   uncouth

and sometimes
wordless
only by soft touch

I need your smile
your laughter
shiny eyes
your tears
your counter-argument
your wisdom
your advice

my love of you
is always total
a force replenishing itself
from its core
not diminished
or impaired
by dark moments

it has no reason
needs no logic
nor explanation

you are
my love