If this is a dream
Truly, why are there so many hallways
I am forever wandering
In between the inbetween
It seems I will never reach the end
If there is an end to reach

It does not matter how I got here
Only that I cannot leave

Bad dreams will come again
These are my oldest friends
Reoccurring nightmares
Ancient truths, older dares
Between floor and pillow
I'm running on wet concrete
Let me sleep

I lay awake
And I wish it was to question the wonders of the world
You are one of many thoughts orbiting my consciousness
Though clouded by one hundred and seventy eight bad decisions that I have made before
They wind themselves around my wrists
Tightening only when I think I have made myself free
What a fool am I
What a fool I am

Sometimes I think
Anxiety makes me a bad person
But I'm too depressed to fix it

I did something wrong once
I take that as a solidifying truth
For my abhorrence

I am the fool
Who bites
Into the same poisoned apple

do you have more Pride than Honesty

got a band aid
my heart has a hole
you took the cork
to keep my tears
from draining out
and drowning me
in my own despair

The halfway angels are speaking again
You do not need ears to hear them
They are a sight to behold
I have been lingering
In the silent place for many eons
I cannot name what baited me
Or what kept me for so long
Invisible burdens
Live by gravity’s promise
I have quietly wondered
If you would whisper in my ear again
I would not beg plea or ask
What have I made of time
The same human foolishness as before
You beg for change
That you will not see through
Heaven does not laugh or cry at our plight
Only looking down in wonder
As the journey marches on
Will you take me to the river
Wash me clean
Of this tarnish rusting up my skin
Baptist me until I am pure
Until we are white lights
Against the Milky Way

Your name sits
In the back of my throat
Like a pill I cannot swallow
I kissed you
Like I hated the taste of my own mouth
I need you like water
Pure and flowing
I feel vulnerable
Eve in the garden
Naked and sinful
And you
Forbidden fruit
Within reach
I pluck and pluck again
But you will never satisfy
You are not here to listen
When I call on the divine
Not one for keeping promises
Not one for telling lies
Simply rotting
Bitter and sour
I cannot wash you off my tongue

There are children inside of me
I must set them free
I feel disconnected from this body
From my body
Who is living here

As I think
So I become

As I think
So I am

Eye contact with you
Is like a tractor beam
You keep pulling me in

A smile painted on the mirror
And it didn't match her lips
A curve in a fun house
That scorned her hips
A length that most call pretty
But she never flips

There are those in the world
That will try to take the best parts of you away
Like a flower plucked from the earth
Such as soon as it blooms it is cast aside
Be not that way
Dig your roots within the earth
Turn your face to the shining of the sun
Because you are the beautiful things
This world needs

the only part of beauty that the world understands
is the kind they can destroy with their hands
the only kind of pretty that they know
is the kind that they choose to let go

Individuals
Who create when they are sad
Are special

Cosmic dust
Is coming together again
Arranging
Bones
Skin
Body
I write of her
With cold hands
Perhaps these cells
Have been someone else
Perhaps another body
Another mind
One that called out
Into the beyond
Asking if they were alone
Will I answer their question
Or simply repeat it
Let it linger in the cosmos
Suspended
Between heaven
And earth

Falling in love with pain
Is either an ending
Or beginning

You are a smokey memory
It brings a light to my eyes to think of you
What could I say to the leaving of my life
To ask you to come back home
Would mean everything to the shallowness I wallow in
Mindful in my retreating
It does very little for a wandering mind and stationary feet
I have found my humility in begging gods dead and lost alike
Though wherever I find them it seems their ears have been shut with the worries of the world
This storm has stamped my skin and the ink runs wild in my veins
Time will check its reigns
A wanderer is never lost
A spirit restless never sleeps
This to shall pass
I bite empty promises into my lip
I dig a grave for my stamina into the palms of hands with my nails
There is such an emptiness to be found in tomorrow
Your hope for her is not a dangerous one
Yet we forget the wisdom of yesterday as quickly as she is lived
Oh the mutterings of my mind
It is worth pennies in the street

How can I not cry
When your words honor a broken soul
This humility is a kindling
I thank you for your fire
As you thank me for my words
Tomorrow will remember this
As beautiful as today has learned it

You used to lay with me, beside me
        And I dream of you now, as though you had never left

Sometimes anger manifests itself at sadness
That's why my insides are screaming

Yours is a name I will never forget
Nor, am I likely to ever say it again

You've told me
That I always have the right words to say
But I wish I knew
The right things to do
When I feel you falling apart
You heart
That is so big, breaking into millions of pieces that don't just shatter on the floor,
But are stomped on
And crushed into dust that is blown among the aching you have felt for so long

I have given you hugs.
I have held you.
There has never been a time where I could ever want to let you go
Because one embrace can mean everything when your whole world is falling apart
I know we make things 'better' for each other
But I pray to God that one day you will taste the sunshine
That you will have a 'best'
It seems we take one step forward and then just as quickly
We are dragged back by the same hands we thought we had made our way free of
This is life
She is bitter
And sweet
But we could not taste one without the other
sigh

To feel your heart break
Oh, that is one thing
But to watch the world break the heart of an angel
Oh, that is far worse
I wish I could kiss all your pain away
As easily as one wipes a tear
The heart of God grieves for you
Even now as I feel for you
Because everything you are
Even in your abundant brokenness
Is beautiful
And I will love you in all things
And through all things
For are not the stars in the sky
Scars made by the birth of the world
Still we look to them
As if they are the light in the eyes of those we love

You made love to her
While your love bites
Were not yet faded
On my skin

I will follow you beyond
All that I know
Everything familiar
I ask only this,
That you would kiss me goodbye

Dipped in a cold icy bath
Made to hold, made to last
Strengthen by fire
And worn by tire
A knife so sharp to cut the skin
Bind the Blade

Forged in the mountains
Cooled by fountains
Hardened by wear
And worn by tear
A blade to ****
Bind the Blade

Brought forth in sunshine
And marked with lines
Pillaging places
Extinguishing faces
A sword to teach
Bind the Blade

A death bringer a hilt bearer
Bring eternal silence nearer and nearer
One last word and one last breath
And cold and silent bringer of death
A blade with stories and untold glories
But mostly painful untold gories
Bind the blade

We were just two birds
Taking up space in between the yellow lines on the pavement

As the wings of the birds so cut the sky

So must our hands did the graves that die

Just another note higher than the rest
Just another cry trying to find a nest

When the Maker lay me in the earth
And the angels thronged about
With stars wrought in their hair
And cosmos soldered to their belts
The ageless bestowed to me a thread
And it was woven of memory
He did not give me wisdom
And I could not tear it apart
The maker wrapped this thread
And around my soul it stays
For part of me is part of the past
And all who dream are dreams past

I had sixteen candles
But just one wish
I had lots of friends
And nothing to lose
I had once chance
Just one breath
But I used it and now nothing is left

Be silent.
They told me
Be quiet.
They yelled in my face

Yet try as they might to bind my hands
Shackle my ankles
And put their hand over my mouth

An indignant smile irks them nearly as much that a sweet word from my lips

Such is the way with those who have a bitter taste in their hearts

TW: graphic imagery

I bled watercolors
And you cared only for the art
For pain you did not feel on your own you made no empathy for

You told me about my bleeding
That it was a beautiful way to adorn the walls
So I dug my nails into my palms
Raked them along my arms,
where you used to write your love,
And let the paint pour out
Let the pain pour out
Down my wrists it ran
My fingertips coated like brushes dipped to deep into a ***

I smeared my hands along the walls
And I ran among the hallways
My palms leaving a wake
Still the tide, it did not go out

I wandered on
Like a ghost in my own house
Pouring myself out
Onto all the walls I had built up
In a way I tore them down
And in a way they broke me
I slammed my fists against them
Every door I had locked shook
And I put my hand on the handle
Praying that they would open
It seems no matter how strongly I feel
Nothing gives way

I sat on the floor
Everything beneath me splintering into my soul
My breathing was heavy and labored
Though my heartbeat was weaning away
My palms open now to the sky
And I pressed handprints into the wall
Pushing everything away
As you had pushed me so many times

So I feel to much
Say to little
And have no wanderings I can journey home from

But still you tell me
There is beauty in the bleeding
You.
Are the beauty in the bleeding

I wonder
As clouds in the sky often do
If the next girl will learn
Of my blood on you

As I learned of the one before
On your hands
It messy
It stains
It covers more surface area than I thought

When your roots call to you, listen
But do not be afraid to plant your own seeds
May you bloom as beautiful as the dreams your forefathers have prayed for you
Whether you walk in their shoes
Or take steps on a path you have made your own
The soil is for those who water it