I hate ******,
I hate racist,
I hate narcissistic people,
I hate criminals,
I hate subliminal messages,
I hate werid fetishes,
I hate killers,
I hate murderers,
I hate child molesters,
I hate sodomizer,
I hate spiders,
I hate fear,
I hate my mirror,
I hate low battery,
I hate battery (crime)
I hate pedophiles
I hate crocodiles
I hate the sun,
I hate to run,
I hate sin,
I hate my sinister grin,
I hate villains,
I hate millions,
I hate billions,
I hate trillions,
I hate people who dont hate what I hate,
I hate everything,

Can someone be broken to the point that they can't let anyone in? Like I am literary so tried of trying to be happy days on end. faking being alright and smiling to people I don't even know. it's not that I don't want to be happy it's that I physically can't. When something good happens to me I don't get happy or feel from it anymore. I feel like I'm that type of person thats only is okay when bad things happen and that's all I know. id rather be lonely then be  happy with someone. I'd rather hurt then feel good. That's such a bad thing. I wish I never met you. I really think all this is because of you. I never really loved anyone like I loved you. And I let you in more then I ever let anyone in. I told you more things then I told my own family. At one point you were the only person I wanted to talk to. I don't understand why you have such a hook on me it's drives me crazy sometimes. Sometimes? All the time. Sometimes I wanna call you and just talk to you like we would at 3 am just because. Just because I wanted to hear your voice. I don't know why you didn't want me anymore. I guess I was old news to you? I still think about you all the time. It's so funny how only one boy could change someone forever. It's not my fault that I'm so ******* because of the way you treated me. The way you made me fall over and over and over again the way your eyes made my whole day. I don't think i told you how much I loved your eyes. Or that your smile could make me feel all werid inside. I don't think told you that I loved sleeping with you that you twitched a little when you slept and it was adorable. I don't think i told you that I liked how you held my hand all night when we were sleeping. How you told me my bed is to
Small for two people and I had to sleep really close to you. That all I could hear was your heartbeat all night. How all we would play was yellowcard as we were kissing. I think you knew that was are band cause everytime you came over that's all you would play. You would play it on shuffle all day. I still can't listen to them without crying. I never told you that diving up to see you was the most nervous and best car drive I ever had. And even though we only had that hour together and it was amazing. I never told you that you are the most hardest relationship I had to pretend that I can be fine without. I never told you that you are perfect in every way and I'm sorry that I wasn't. That you needed more then me that you needed attention that your dad is not the best dad and he's why you are the way you are now. I'm sorry that you told me to promise you that I would never cut again and I did and you were disappointed in me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you are all I write about. You know that I never mean to but when I think about writing your all I think about. I'm sorry that I didn't see you as much as I wanted too. A hour and a half away is such a long walk and if I could
Of walked to you, you know I would of. Glad that you got that car cause when you came over was the best days ever. They still are. I think I'll miss you forever and I'm sorry about that. I dont think
I'll ever love like I loved you. I still love you. You never forget your frist love and you were my frist. I didnt just love you I was in love with you. I wanted so much with you and I know you did too at one point. I know me and you had hard times but you knew that I tried so hard to help you change. You need to change and you knew it and you even told me that you need help. You know I'm crazy for you right? Being with you for a year and 4 months changed me so much. I'm not the same person I was. And I don't understand why. I'm very unhappy. I'm rumbling on at 2:46am in the morning about you again. I really should go to
Sleep. I need you. You never really feel complete without the person who used To be the reason why you woke up in the morning to see that text message. I remember that one time I got really drunk and you told my friend to watch me cause you didn't want me to get hurt cause you cared so much about me. Why did that go? We weren't even dating then. We weren't even dating when you when in my bed at 3am telling me you loved me. It's 2:51 am and I think I should go to sleep. We haven't talked for 3 months and this is the longest we haven't talked. You once told me that you couldn't go a day without talking to me. What happen to that? I remember the frist time I saw you cry. You cried in my bed because you were upset with the way things where going on in your life. How are you? Are you happy? Is your life the way you wanted it to be? You said move on where do I go? Whenever I tired to move on there you were. You always knew I would always choose you. It's funny cause you said you didn't care what I do and when I found someone you came right back and told me to stay with you. That you
Needed me. I needed you. How can you tell
Me that I was all you ever wanted and never wanted anyone esle but not talk to me for 3 months? I'm scared to talk to you so I'm not going to. Are you scared to talk to me? Please don't. Cause I honestly can't have you back even though I do. I remember when you asked me to marry you that one time on Skype. I didn't think
You were being serious. I remember one new years we talked about having kids and what we would named them when we had them. I said I liked Zachary cause I loved your name and you wanted your uncles name and I was okay with that. I remember everything every conversation we had together. I remember are frist ever conversation. The one that started all of this beautiful relationship. It's 3:01am and I should go to sleep. I still talk to her. I still
Am friends with her. The girl you cheated on me with. You competely stop talking to her right after I found out. I feel like I'm making no sense and this isn't even a poem. I just been so sad today and I
Don't know why. When I was sad I would talk to you and you would make me happy again. I don't know why no one esle can. I remember the time I
Had a scare that time in August. I wouldnt of mind. Having a little you. I was okay with it. I'm sorry. I think I'll always say that I'm sorry when
It comes to you cause your all I ever wanted and I'm sorry I couldn't of made you stay. I tired my
Hardest. I remember the time when we broke up for good. I went in to work a hour later and I
Couldnt help crying and I couldn't stop. I had to sit in the office for a while cause it was so bad. Embarrassing. Really embarrassing actually. It's 3:08 am and I have a headache so I think
I'm going to go to bed.

To the girls that won't take my compliment ,
You are like the villagers from  the boy who cried wolf.
Like the repetitions of me calling them beautiful was a cry of lies they got tired of hearing.
So instead of me giving them compliments.

I would have a competition with them in a argument fighting for what I believed in.

Like every time  you ask me "Do I look okay?"
Me being me ,I would hesitate to reply to you because I thought that would be a rhetorical question that you just asked me but you being you would misunderstand me thinking to myself that I was unsure of my answer.

I know this is werid but
I would put my hand over your mouth just so you can't tell me I'm wrong when I tell you that you are beautiful.


I would have to get the petition of the whole world to agree with me just to try convince you but instead I only tried to get you to sign it.
Me only wanting you to agree with my views just because I feel like you are the world to me.


You got the audacity to linger in my fondest memory.

How can you understand how I feel when only I get the privilege to see your lips go from a flat line to a smile supported with  pillars of doubts that is solidified  by my compliments of the appraisal of you.

Perfection is not what I call you, cause you don't believe in perfection but you're perfect to me and that should be all that you need from me.

Maybe everyday I will sneak in a small compliment to you just small enough for you to believe in me like a nod of approval of how you look today  and slowly spray confidence onto your skin to wear just so one day perhaps I could use the word beautiful in front of you.

We all know the story in the boy who cried wolf.

The villagers were too blind to see the truth from  the boy who cried wolf.

Heavy foot steps and lead laeden words.
Trying to create sense of this emergancy of birds.
Predators hiding lurking in the laminate
sealed in with a kiss the layers are feeling permanant.
Clear obsidion mixed with volcanic ash.
Crushing down on me, im gasping for breath.
Shaking like a mountain just before the eruption
trying to remove myself from this plastic corruption.
Daisies die in feilds..
Deers burn as the air horns call out the catastrophy.

You all need to run from me.

Silence in my self, I am no longer seeking
i need to break free and sing just as birds sing.
Calling out the warning; shaking up the evergreens.
its all interconnected.
Hyperspatail turbulance im screaming in my bed
im worried
im afraid
im trying
its working
i think that the plastic might just be burning
the toxic
the posion
its all gassing off from me
dont breath me
i feel like its something.


I could just be werid. Relaxing in turbines, i think im just trying and poems lead to calm minds.

Make sense of me. Make sense of you.
And you.
And you.
Im caought up in the subterfuge.  Capracioisly grapsing
for what im not sure.

Cattawompus canyons are cut into my heart. Im so confused information on piecharts
, the values dont match
the legend is misleading.
God seems to be warrenting this healing.
Kicking in the door
creating a dizzy storm.
Cyclopeon rage
stolen from days of yore..

Its time to let go.
Its time to grow.

Just understand me . just for a breif moment. I am harmless. I am less. I am lost. I need rest..

A bunch more words too honest too painful. I write poems to unleash all that is shameful.

This hurts.

This is needed.

I am bleeding.

Just so I am.

Just living.

Just leaving.

Just kidding.

Just bidding.

Betting.
On when its all ganna explode.
On when the subroutiunes will need a defrag machine when the bios gets corrupted when the system wears down when i will stand in the light looking like a ******* clown.
Because i trusted.

Why is this so hard?
I am 24 years old and cant drive a mother ******* car.
Fear is a disease that i can not squah on my own
a whole battallion of star ships need to warp into my home and disrupt the radio frequencies that speak to me
in dreams the nightmares unending the face grips and rending my cheek bones are tensing my teeth are condensing milkbones and raw tones

This excitment inside me
burns out the live feed
darkness envolopes mailed sent by trumpet
these echos of my thoughts
repeat the words taought
like liar and loser you dumb ******* ****** acomplish not nothing but your something is ******* just so god ****** worthless they all wait for your face to turn to a frowning grimice of you drowning you floundering ****** you sociatial ****** you cautious cat crawling as dogs get the tasties of life while your wasting your time just complainging this echo echo chamber needs to be ******* obliterated. A star dust deconstruction and rebuilding of the most primitive functions.

Take me from my own head.
I made my bed.
Id lie in it. But. Its made of my own meat and guts.

Friends
.. I need your ******* help.

Just.
Be you. Perfect.

I trust you. Despite what these echos say bouncing in my brain.

Just.

This is too much.

Just.

I think im just werid..

Just.

Please dont run.

This morning i woke up to
My sister's alarm
6:30

I turned it off so fast
She didn't hear​ it.

I layed awake till 7
Just thinking about how
Fat I am
How useless I am
How cold the room is
Day dreaming about a TV show
Trying to distract myself
From the toxic thoughts
Spinning in my brain.

My alarm rings
And I jump out of bed.
I tell my sister that she slept in.
She's pissy.
Telling me to wake my littlest sister
Cuz she can't
Because she screams her awake.
Because she treats her like ****.
And my 8 year old sister replys
With a temper.

Who can blame her?
Having a huge 15 year old wake you
By screaming in your ear
To hurry the **** up.
Isn't cause for a calm rise.

In her room,
She sleeps like a little angel
You'd never guess
That her mouth is worse then our mothers
I crawl in beside her
Wishing I could just let her sleep.

I slowly shake her awake.
She's angry I ate ice cream without her.
"Finish your dinner next time"
I tell her
Before leaving to go to the restroom.

Shoving my fingers down my throat.
The least favorite part of my day.
But you grow used
To the burning and the choking.
I've dropped a lot this way.

Wiping my mouth
I think back
To when I first got to Portland.

My step dad hadn't seen me
In a little under a year.
Without him making me feel worthless
And the man I love telling me
That I'm beautiful
I had forgotten how ugly
How fat I truly am
Till we arrived at his garage
And he whispered
Laughing to my mother
"She got Chunky"
My mom laughing too.
I covered my fat,
Ugly
Stupid stomach
With my jacket.

I look into the mirror
I rased my shirt.
I lost a bit.
But I'm still fat.
I'm still ugly.

I feel too broken to cry.

I clean myself up

In the kitchen
I find the coffee has been on all night
Black burnt stuff covers the bottom.
So ugly
Gross

I start my coffee.
Just enough for a cup
And a travel mug for my friend and myself.
The more I drink
The more I'll ****
The more I can become somewhat better.
Skinnyer

I leave it to brew.
And get dressed.
All my jeans are *****.
My sister yells at me
For not washing them
I tell her
"I forgot"
She seems unconvenceed.
"Also I don't care."
That's a lie
I do.
I just didn't wanna get up.

Instead of jeans I wear black dress pants
And a black shirt.
I look plain.
I grab my cat ears.
They make me feel good.

My sister is wearing my shirt.
I tell her to leave it alone.
I don't want it to smell or feel like her.
She scares me.
She couldn't win a fight against me I know.
But something
Something about her
Makes me uneasy.

I feel guilty to think this
About the girl who lived in
The same womb I did.

I shake the thought.

She's yelling at the 8 year old.
Their gonna be late.
I watch them leave.
Hearing her yell all down the street.
Worried that maybe
Stuff happens on the way.

The dogs been following me
All around the house waiting for me
To take him to ***.
I take him and watch
As he runs down the stairs.

He ****** on a lawn.

I'm late.

I grab my coffee and drink a cup
In under a minute.
I hope this makes me lose my fat.
I grab my bag.
It's heavy
But not as heavy as my thoughts.

Ugly *****.

I need a smoke.

Oh ****. My bus passes me.

I run.
Aware of my bouncing stomach.
My ugly face.

I make it and smile at the driver.
Flashing her my school ID.
Covering my picture.
With my ugly face.

I don't find a cigarette anywhere before my train pulls up.
On the train.
I tell my mother I'm going to work force after school.
She says ok.

I need to get a job if I wanna go home.
I think about my man
And how I need this money
To get back to him
To get back to a happy place.

Or at least to gets some ******* ****.

I don't wanna think.
So I open my book.
An old friend.
"The Angel's command"

I read till I get to my spot.
Laughing at a joke.
I close it and turn on acdc.
Got no headphones
But the music makes me forget
How much I don't deserve him
For a bit.

I'm only a few minutes late.
A rare thing for me.
I normally miss half of class
And come in ******.

My Friend isn't here.
My other friend has no ****.
My English teacher talks about the play
Fences.
It was werid to hear these people talking
Like me.
As they read.
Though I'd been told
That I can't talk that way cuz I'm white.

My second class.
Current events.
I listen to stories of human stupidity

And I write this poem.

While I'm sober.

I hope at lunch
Someone has something to make me forget
About how useless I am.
About everything.

And at my third period
I hope my teacher
Doesn't make another joke
About my home.


And when I go to work force
I hope I find a job.

And when I go home.
I hope I ***** myself small.
I hope my sister isn't home.
I hope my mom's in a good mood.
I hope my ex step dad calls.
I hope my mom's boyfriend cooks dinner
Just so I can eat a lil and lose it right after.
I hope my shower doesn't end in crying.
I hope I add another chapter to my fan fic.
I hope my man calls and tells me he loves me.
I hope that I sleep without crying.
I hope that I don't see myself in the mirror.

It's gonna be a long day.

What a spell that fiend casted over me
How I would like to flee from his odd embrace
If I did he would just chase
So I choose to sit
Sit and play his little game
He is to blame
Blame for my werid love
That I shoved out
From the deepest darkest parts of my soul
His twisted ideas roll of my tongue
Like I perceived them
Like there my own
I’m warped
Please don’t think less of me
I had to work with what I had!
Now dad, please let go of me

How Werid is it
That I have feelings for you
Of all people?
You took him from me
so you two could be happy
but since you and I started talking
You show no interest
but instead
You show it towards me
How weird is it
that even though i tried
to hate you when we first met
I end up being someone you like
How weird is it
That I
Reciprocate those feelings?

I know that you  are nervous
I know that you are werid
I know that your smile makes me happy
I know that all eyes are on me
I know that your lips are mine
I know that you put blame on yourself
I know that your damaged with pain
I know that your quite
I know that you have unspoken words to say
I know that you want to rebuild
I know that you love hard
I know all of that and still have love for you .

My teddy bear

Hes strong
Hes funny
Hes so so werid
Hes my protector
Hes my friend
Hes my life
Hes my world
Wouldn't change anything about him
Even if time stand still
He can be annoying at times
He can be lazy from time to time
I love him
Hes my little teddy bear