Selfies,
I can smell the desperation,
from here.
odors  of worry;
rippling anxities of uncertainity.
two dimensional,
instantaneous impressions,
pixelated presentations,
and
Teenage frustrations.

up tilted camera.
held against the light,
Illuminating eyes ,
and eradicating spots.
that looks like a good one.
Vicarious representation;
of how good
one could look,
fallible and hopeful.

big bosomed dame
showcasing blessed cleavage,
pulsating the adolescent
bulges.
delivered to
metal passenger,
thereafter shown
among peers.
networked to unknown.
Friends who'd never
met eye,
or
touched skin,
or
even spoke.  

self conscious
cropping of images.
fat and fearful.
wasted hours,
dying for love.
False dream of
captivating the messes with her selfie.

The very ugliness
of impressions.
Oh, how shallow we've became.
The denial
of the impact of aesthetics.
laughable,
torrents of judgement
Skinny,
fat,
ugly,
behold their desperate eyes behind the selfie.

maybe we were never meant to be.

maybe you did once love me.

it's that 50% chance

of uncertainity

that fail my relationships

Miserably.

one. you can't. everytime their name is mentioned, your heart can't help but beat a little too fast, your stomach can't help but sink a little too deep, and your mind reminds you of every time the words i'll never leave left their mouth, without hesitation. without uncertainity. without doubt. how could you feed my hollow self with your assurance when you were never sure yourself?
two. this is how it starts and this is how it will never end. with questions that'll always be left unanswered. with one piece of the puzzle always missing. with all the what if's and could have's, and why, and how can they?
three. the first thing you should realise is that they are capable of everything. stop the how can they, and the how come. if there's one thing i've learned is people can. they can hurt your fragile little self and shatter every bit of self worth they might've helped you build up, themselves. stop the questioning. you might not want to hear the answers as much as you think you do. they won't tell you what you want to hear. we, people, are self contradictory. we claim to want the truth, but that's not what we want. we create versions of truths in our ever lasting thoughts and make believe. we make believe to survive.
four.  survive. breathe, breathe, breathe. take a look around you, take a look at the people you are surrounded with. we live in an astonishingly beautiful environment. try to look at the world as whole, and look at how insignificant that person that you're "in love" with is. look at how insignificant you are. take it in, take it in. you'll be able to get through this. your heart will mend, nature will take care of that.
five. you should stop blaming them. you should stop blaming yourself. and you should stop blaming the world. another thing i've learned is that, you will not always end up with the person you're in love with. and just because someone's in love with you, does not mean that they won't hurt you. and just because they've hurt you does not mean that they don't care for you. that's life. it's bias. it does not make sense but there's no use to try and make sense of it. you'll end up empty.
six. hatred is not forgetting. indifference is not forgetting. missing is not forgetting. longing is not forgetting. there's no forgetting. don't beat yourself up for still caring. it's humane. time. it'll take time. that person will fade away to the ((danger, danger. do not touch)) pile in your brain to rarely be thought of. yes, there will come a time in which you'll not think of them. take my lead, will you?
seven. this will be a long road. but you need to know that hurt does not last. hurt is not eternal. not one feeling is eternal, you'll get through this. some time soon, you'll meet this someone that'll make you feel things you've never thought you're capable of feeling. they were good to you, but you'll find someone who's good to you and appreciates you just as much. someone who will show you what to love about yourself, which is you whole. because ******* it, you're holy. you're lovely. you're wonderful. someone that'll make misery a foreign word to you. you'll find that someone soon, princess. i promise you.

i guess
this might be another poem
about how the mind works...

my mind
is a constant explosion
of fears and doubt

it ticks like a
constant bomb
never knowing
when it will explode

i fear that i
will awake
not knowing who
i am

i doubt
that anyone
would ever
light a fire
to my dying heart

i await
the day
my other half
will take my place

i fear the existence
of not existing
and the death
of a lost poet

where is love?
where is peace?
where am i?

i'm probably dying.
uncertainity exploding at the seams.

(b.d.s.)

Unfathomable to many
desires loneliness
and
solitude,
Explores realms of beauty,
Freedom
and
dreams,
She speaks of Desolation
Seeking journey of life
and
peace,
Mind jammed with uncertainity,
Ostracized by society,
All she seeks Desolation.

Am I dreaming things that no one ever thinks?
Am I being illogical or has the world gone irrational?
Am I seeking for answers for which the question is uncertain?
Am I writing in midair or is the world listening?
Am I wasting my time waiting for the right time?

the world is shattering,
with a raven hovering.
the wild creation with big strong wings,
coming closure, spreading darkness, hiding everything.
visibility has gone even with dilated pupil.
humans trying to remember ethics and scruples.
this will end soon, we chanting every prayer,
the old and infant both survive and again we get fresh air.

There are times, when the only thing you can do, is work, work hard , and keep working harder till you achieve the goal you've had, buy what if the no. Of attempts you get, isn't enough as the degree of hope you possess?
The incessant work, the toil, that dedication, all kinda wells up our eyes,  but the pain inside is too deep for those tears even to ease!

Theres a thing, called 'misfortune' that comes into light, then.When a person is unfortunate, at a phase of time, no matter what he or she does, with whatever degree of dedication, the fate rejects all the honesty, and what we exactly get is what we never wished and deserved then.But as the saying goes, 'time rules everything'.'Nobody ever reaped the good harvest before time didn't nod, and I feel nobody ever will.

'Uncertainity' rules life! We can work dedicatedly, be honest with everything and be sincere, yet the chapter called 'Uncertainity' governs life, the people, us, and everything associated with everyone. What we actually wish and expect, isn't what we get, when we actually want, and what we getvis often given at a time, when we are least in need of it.Sadly, that's life.A life, which is indeed so wierdly uncertain!

My name is Gabrielle Rose Pimentel
But everyone calls me Gwen
My mom wanted to name me Gaby
But my dad insisted that my nickname should come from their names
So I got the G from grace and the WEN from Wendell and formed Gwen

I have 4 moles on my face and a ton more on my body
One eye is smaller than the other
I have dimples on my fingers
I like to connect my moles
My hands have caught so much pain, they are blistered
My shoulders swelling from the weight of the world
My feet red from running around in circles trying to figure out what I did wrong
And yes, I have a double chin

I can get pretty random
From the pyramids of giza to why does soap bubble?
I’ve loved and it is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced
It takes you on this rocket ship into the void
And it makes you feel like all the shooting stars are falling for you
But with love comes hurt
I’ve been hurt and I’ve learned
That the more i try to stop the bleeding, the more it goes
So I let it bleed, and I allow myself to feel the pain
I feel things very deeply and
every feeling is either a bandage to a wound or a punch in the stomach
I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse
I’ve been careless, I am learning
I walk on the glass shards of life barefoot, hoping that the wounds teach me a lesson
As if the blood on my feet carry the answers to my biggest questions

I am just 15 years old
My eyes wide as the universe, ever expanding, ready to see all there is to see
My brain, eager like a little child at the ice cream store, wanting to taste every flavor there is
I am at the peak of my own age of exploration
Waiting for my marco polo moment, when suddenly everything will be clear
Do questions have legs? Because a ton of them run through my mind
Do aliens exist? Is God real? Are there really mermaids? Can dogs feel? Do plants talk? How big is the universe? Is everything real or merely a dream? Why is there poverty? Is there a cure for cancer? Why do bad things happen to good people? Is there any hope left in this world? Will my questions ever be answered?

If life was a new movie everyday,
I would be at the front row
I wanted to see everything that was about to happen
I would stare at it all day in fear that if I looked  away I would’ve missed my prince charming
I will obsess over every detail, trying to figure out what it means
And this is probably why its good that life doesn’t have a movie
It’s the uncertainity of it all that makes life so special
It gives you the choice whether you want to embrace it
Or let it hold you captive and paranoid of whats about to happen
In my case, I learned that I should just let life go and take its natural course of action
Never mess with the universe because the universe is beyond our imagination
We think we’re so important
Like the world revolves around us
but really we aren’t even as small as a speck compared to everything

I'm Gwen and I'm just 15
But this is me, this is who I am
And I'm so done changing myself just for others

The moonlight  fills  its scope,
grounded as we are,
we could  never  intentionally die
although  hives abide by us
their sting is not inevitable,
Are they the ghosts of honeycombe?
only having been
offered a brief nectar sauce
These fears are all inflammable,
yet speak of  the wisdom untouched
by  jealousy.

To the point where it starts or is it to the point where it ends
A sinful but childish memory  that knows its way to the back terminus
The coda of a moment with the certainity of a melliflous flow
What makes it deep and so ween is the never ending uncertainity
Uncertainity , whether its to the point where it starts , where it ends or is it just simply to the....!!!

We can not go,
This, I have said this to myself millions of times.

But, that day my heart took the driver’s seat.
My mind stopped working like a well-oiled machine.

I was in the middle of the urban jungle, the concrete city of cars, traffic, and cookie-cutter homes...
The land of squared, sanitized spaces, and constant noises from technology, automobiles, and the noise in our heads to keep up with the rat race.

I closed my eyes

Then, I opened them again.

A different reality!
A dream, of course!

I found myself in a jungle of green, moist, humid sweat.
This was the land of  kaleidoscopic dreams;
The monkey’s howls pierce the air -
birds symphonically, swimming together in the air-
Life in every single layer of nature

I felt myself
Losing myself in the greenery
The lushness
The awe

I had time to contemplate
In my contemplation, I decided, the only thing in life is real is the story I create in life

And as I go through the forest
My thoughts become more developed and articulated

I slash at everything that does not make sense
I slash at every idea
Every preconceived notion
Of
Who I thought
I am

I cut like a savage warrior
On a mission
Branches, dangling distractions
Temptations of fruits and branches that grab at my waist,
And more branches, like physical arms tieing me down like chains

I slash the blade
I cut with no intention of where I want to go

Exhausted, I rest my head

In the darkness in the middle of the amazon

A jaguar comes to me
With their yellow eyes waiting in the corner - It observes me in the bushes
I sit still
Is this a message for me?

Wanting to hear what I have to say
I wait and wait
I stay up all night.

As I wait for prophecies
The jaguar eventually leaves me alone in the darkness

Dissapointment rages inside me
I am left in more uncertainity

But, my heart spoke really loud today
Something took a hold of me
I was not rationale.
I was not cautious..

I opened my backpack and dumped everything off a cliff
I ran and jumped in the blue ocean

Finally
I listened to my heart
Finally...

Oh unceratin chats are the worst
          For I have  to break free choices that come my way
  Are never clear as to what I really want
       How does my future look ?
  When decisions can't be made right away
       It's  either you or them do I chose to rather be with you ?
Or do I keep holding on to what needs to be let go ?
      What's the difference of being with you rather than spending time for you ?
   It's not the same I want magic to spark like a firework
       Dream of a night , where I do anything with you by my side never ending like a tunnel
       Enjoying it as much as me , new memories replacing the boring not so exciting

1.     January- Patience

Patience is difficult,
Not attainable,
Elusive,
Far away,
Doesn’t come easy,
I need it
I wait for it
Patiently.
  
2.     Feb- Uncertainty

Uncertainty is a reality
I can’t run away from it
I can’t not accept it
I can’t let it not flow in my world within and out
I can be aware of it
I can accept it
I can let it be
I can let it go…
Uncertainty is certain.
  
3.     Mar- Hope

Hope is knowing that dawn is near
Hope is knowing that winter turns into spring
Hope is that I can get up every time I fall
Hope is in moments that count and blessings that surmount
Hope is in smiles, in holding hands and in every breath
Hope is life.

4.    April- Exhaustion

Exhaustion is in my exhale
Exhaustion is in yearning for silence
Exhaustion is numbing
Exhaustion is mental, emotional, physical
Exhaustion is losing the wind beneath my wings
Exhaustion is starting all over again, yet again
Exhaustion is in giving- giving- giving without a pause
Exhaustion is need for a pause…

5.     May- Self Love

Self love is life’s elixir
It’s a tribute to my existence
Its what I owe my being
Its love that unifies and makes me love others
More fully, more authentically, more truly
Self love is in my yoga
Self love is in my evolution
And embracing it fully
Self love is indulgent and also disciplining
Its non judgmental and inspirational
Self love is what I am most loyal too.

6.     June- Anxiety

Anxiety is mirroring those closest with anxiety
And compounding it
Losing it
It’s a struggle.
Its real
It's not a happy space
It settles with a pause, with distancing
With distracting and with facing head on.
Anxiety- Real, Tangible, alive
Anxiety- needs strategies, needs to be tamed.

7.     July- Friendship

Friendship is real and authentic
It’s not in years
It’s not in agendas
It’s not in plans
It’s in  real conversations
Real sharing
Real giving
Real taking
Really the answer.
It makes us be better than we are
It lets us be the way we are
I have so many friends and each one
Has a different place on the ship.
This ship is traveling somewhere from nowhere
Friendship- Real and thriving…  

8.     August- Rest

Rest is cuddles
Rest is deep breaths
Rest is pause
Rest is a cup of coffee and my kindle
Rest is silence
I need rest…

9.     September- Vitality

Vitality is buoyant
It is springy
It is “lets do it”
It is karma
It is action
Vitality is on
Vitality flows
Vitality is excitement and energy
Vitality  is throbbing
It is  life and being alive

10.  October- Peace

Peace is alignment of mind body and soul
Peace is calm
Peace is within and around
Peace is a choice
Peace is facing problems and resolving them
Peace is active
Peace is my succour
Peace is OM.

11.  November- The future

The future is hope filled
It's what I patiently contribute to
In the present
It's my acceptance of uncertainity
Its evolving


12.  Dec - I am

I am a butterfly woman
A spirit child
Unfolding, evolving, nurturing,
Resilient, strong, capable
Magical, Sparkling and real
I am the wanderer and wonderer
I am dawn each day!

- MSD January 2021

All the way along
you will be there on my  side.
Through good & bad, day & night
till my last time.

You breathe in me with thy spirit.
Purify my heart & soul.
I look to  you with all my faith
because you love me more than anyone.

I may lost the vision of my life
but your heavenly voice directs in uncertainity.
Though I'm in a violent ocean,
I have my anchor fixed in you.

I was a sinner before my first cry.
You cleansed me with your holy blood.
I deserved nothing less than death.
With everlasting grace you picked me up from hell.

I felt all alone in daily life.
I locked my dreams in a room.
I lost its key in my life's journey.
But God opened the door for me.

I floated like a deadfish along with flowing river.
Alas, I got struck on a mighty rock & shed blood.
With pain & pleasure, my sail renewed.
I swimmed against the river.

I sat as a dew drop on leaflet.
Winter breeze slided me to the tip.
I  turned around & looked for options.
I fell down, not on rocks or thorns,but into safe hands.

Embedded in my soul are the words never spoken.
Kept hidden behind a curtain of uncertainity.

Embedded in my soul are the actions never taken
Kept locked in cages of regret.

Everything's gonna break too soon
That includes your heart.
Everything's gonna diminish
That includes your smile.
You may be on cloud nine
But certainly you're going to fall soon.
Mask your feelings
Because there's no one you can show it to.
Life is so uncertain ;
That you may get lost or you'll loose
The clock is ticking
The moments are passing
Never wait  
Never stop
This stoppage may break your heart soon.

Enter at your own risk.
Into an unknown abyss.
Seduction of the sun kiss.
An ungranted wish.
Fate with a twist.
Darkness shadows, echos fades.
You I want to follow.
A choice I made.
A occupy my time.
Gather my thoughts.
Be greatful for what's mine.
Reflect on what I bought.
Music draws me in to bind unfought through each chime.
Coldness clings to the voice that sings.
Fear & haunting is not what it brings.
Intriguing & capitvating trapped in a hypnotic trance.
Irresistable & unescapeable ****** in.
In a personal bubble. I fall & tumble.
A uncontrollable cycle.
I trip & stumble. Without bearing or direction.
I chose a path with further neglection.
Without a guide.
My heart openwide.
My uncertainity subsides.
Through the foggy light I glide.
Parallal to default to seek what I sought.
Senseless relent it was there I was sent.
Calling me to it.
Fragmented bit by bit. Reforming a whole to the other side. Teleported through a watery tide. Plasma fluid like sewage.

Maybe i was deaf and mute and even crippled with a foggy mind
But i heard your song
even called out for you
An impossibility of a mirage turning to a reality
The way you glanced made the uncertainity that quilted my mind ,melt

I danced to the silent music ,i mocked the nightingales
the agony was forgotten ,far far away
the mind that adored fretting about the unknown future,
fell silent ,closed his eyes
somehow my soul spoke
                          the tomorrows are never here
                              the yesterdays are never to be seen
                                    left with a blooming today
                                         left with the miraculous life
His language was alien but i grasped each word
Love hath power to melt the stones
stones that locked me in ,made me blind , made the world strange
love hath power that make everything divine
everything and anything