there is
inside me
at my deepest part
a little black ball
of rage

i don’t know how it got there
well, that’s only half true
i don’t know how it quite got there
at my core
at the heart of my being
but i know when it got there
hewn hard into my flesh
my mind, bones
tempered into me each night
my matriarch’s take
on hephaestus’s forge
and each morning
quenched in the light of day
each walk to school
under the sun’s yawning beams
miasma erupting from my pores
the liminal release before
the cycle began
anew

so, suffice it to say,
it’s in there deep.
DEEP deep.
and it reminds me every day.
hissing out from my heart
seething out of my skin
the steady sssssssss
of it always in the periphery
BGM for my life
like whatever that Animal Crossing theme is called
but sharper
a slicing sliver of steam

most days
she’s content to rest easy
in the wet dark alcoves inside me
a passive hum of her slumbering ember
rattling from my chest

on others
she demands her freedom
tells me i don’t deserve the reins
tells me i need her to lead us
i say “no”
she rouses
sizzling note rising to a low rumble
she says yes
i say No.
first
a jet of flame
burning bright blue white
like the first blazing pinions
from a piece of fresh firewood
seared sap seeping into
sssssssss
down to deep crimson
a spider lily dancing out of me
showing me
beautifully bouncing
and it’s tempting to get lost in that
get lost in the beauty of a renegade part
of your very own soul saying
****. That.
saying
****. You.
there’s something profound about it
(and someday, i hope a wiser person than i can tell you about it)
but getting lost in it is a snare
a distraction
more importantly
there’s the
ssssssssseething

if you listen hard now
the little black ball
she says
sssssssss
no one will ever understand you
sssssssss

another burst of light
that sinks sallow
from it
she shrieks
sssssssss
your only talent is pain
sssssssss

now a cascade
SSSSSSSSS
she roars now
a lioness tearing her way out of me
into me
she says
you know it would be better if it was just all gone  
my back erupting
a billowing cloak of indignant ignition
stoked by memories of midnight visitors
with knives or less
and christmas eves in dank dirt rooms
of ****** tears and well-tended wounds
and this is part of the temptation, to be honest
to just              

                                burn
with
it

to let go and feel
fall to it all
to succumb to the anger.
sorrow. vengeful vigor.
ambrosia would feel like this
ultimate release
my metaphorical form Usagi mid-transformation

                                 We
Burn

and i’m gone

there’s no me
just us
just her
we’re a phoenix of rage
she sneers through my teeth
a cheshire grin in smoke
she leers through my eyes
unblinking and vulpine
together, we cut down forests
burn and salt the earth
in devastation there is clarity, ya know?
we seethe
we embrace
in that flame
we connect
we seethe
shrieking a banshee’s call
unheard to all
but us
We
Seethe

and it feels amazing
truly
but as we all know
there is a cost to such things
and the cost of flames is steep
so. not plan A.

she needs out though
my little black ball
and i think she deserves to seethe
she deserves to rage
and so, some days,
i let her out
i let her out
here
right here
she reaches for you
wants you to know
the burden and blessing
the sorrow
the anger
the hiss of her voice
she wants to be known
she wants you to know her
you're almost there
it only burns for a moment
can you hear her?
can you hear her
sssssssss?

lightening is outside
tapping at the glass
strikes of bright
yellow flashes
brighter than the flashes
on our smart phones
(more like dumb phones because rarely
do they ever work properly)
jokes on us though
because most of us cant even last half an hour
without our phones
or we start to go bananas

they wrote a good poem,
they were acknowledged, approved, SEEN-
** my lonely, broke heart;
you yet have me.
ah and the other me too--
This one, that spites and spews and vitriols as lovers often
are wont to do.
ah my love,
yes, come,
CLOSE (
and no that was a whisper not
A SHOUT! (THAT WAS THOUGH!))
so close,
that -
drop, drop,
sssssssss,
the whistle
wouldnt budge
and it is time,
to find love ANEW now,
and begin
this new life of ours.

I sat in bed
Hadn't taken meds
Hadn't gotten under covers
Hadn't plugged in phone

Then I noticed I was opening the drawer
Fingers snatched up something silver
Cap torn off

As if it wasn't me
My hand started testing it
Without thought
Without plan
Just a little dance around my fingers

Took off the outer layer easily
A bit too easily
So the possessed hand moved lower
To the tantalizingly soft, thin flesh
To the terribly poetic wrist

Avoided the large blue vein
I'm not stupid
So the blade moved around a bit
Testing angles, pressures

But the tip had found its mark
Gentle pressure and a tweak
Slowly so I could feel the skin break

Not enough
Barely made contact
Again! Same spot!
Continue digging

then i saw it
between broken flesh
a tiny, delicate stream
it filled in the gap
squeezed a bit
to see if it would offer more
but no....

mY miNd wEnt wilD!!!

aS iT reEntereD cOnsciOUsnesS

adrEnalinE RusHinG

w  h      a        t        d  i     d          y      o  u          d     o  .     .    .          ?

Throw the wretched blade in the drawer!
Close it so **** fast

Okay... okay.... get up
It's over there... put the cream on it
Hopefully won't get infected

Ah  a     h   a                m      I         N      d         i  SSSSSssss    

WWWW         IIIIIIIII               LLLLLLL              DDDDDDD

you cleaned it. it's gone. can't see it even.
it's fine. you're fine. take your meds. get under cover.
plug in phone. you'll be fine. it's fine. IT'S FINE.



wait. what's that?



it stings.