Sometimes it builds
To a degree intolerable
Some of it, it can be untraceable
The source unknown
Of the aching within
Impenetrable thoughts
Seeking a foundation

Strain comes out
In various ways
From your head to your toes
It will divulge

Aching in the head
Eyes flooded with blood
Tension of the mind
The body too
Tapping of the fingers
Shaking of the leg
It all soon, gives it away

I'm hyper and happy with energy to spare
Fast speech, racing mind
I spread love everywhere
A giant smile is all I bare until
a certain darkness
fills the air

You feel rampant with no good rage
Trapped in your sorrows
like a rusted shut cage
You remind yourself you're not crazy
Sometimes you're really happy
or just tired
and lazy

Sometimes you lose feeling in your fingers and toes
Like you're in the basement of a coroner
raw and exposed
Other times, you're on a hamster wheel
sweating and racing
Feeling your skin turn
rubber and chafing

I have no control over my emotions and mood
And, yes, I know that
that's no excuse
I come off strong with my opinions and personality
Which many think is wonderful or an abnormality

I'm seen in different lights
because I don't know which one to stand in
I'm only myself in my writing
and that's the happiest I've been

Pen and paper give me the control
my chemical imbalance never has
I can feel calm and genuine and less of a spazz

I'm slowly accepting
my past
mistakes
and reality
Mental illness is stigmatized
But we need to face our morality

Hell!
Carrie Fisher was bipolar though
we didn't talk about it in that era
If she was bipolar then
I'm just like Princess Leia

I was raised on ridicule
Scorn and blaming.
Belittling laughter
Jokes and shaming.
Though nobody who knew
Seems to doubt it
They sure as hell wish I
Would shut up about it.

That’s just the way it is today.
Abused children, it seems
Upset people; therefore they
Are best not heard, just seen.

Four Eyes, Toothpick and Brat
These are a few of the names.
You might as well call them freaks
And creeps. It amounts to the same.
Screwup, ******, fumblefingers,
Bones, Spazz and Stumblebum.
Pantywaist, wussy, ditz and then
Plenty more where those came from.

From birth to death it seems
Sometimes, throughout all of life
Some people just don’t care
That scorn can cut like a knife.

It makes people question
Every move they might make
When somebody keeps on
Calling them things like flake.
The condemnation and rebuke
Aren’t covered up by the laughter.
People should question deeply
The effect they think they are after.

So cut the kids a break
It won’t turn out wrong
And the ridicule of a child
Can last their whole life long.

Way down yonder in the paw-paw patch
Bang in the first measure
Came the congenital seizure
Skewing the first invention from scratch.
The campfire skied its sparks
Into the ghost-ridden void,
The skittish tchotchkes
Of paradox and entropy
Quirks and tics as dumb as bricks
Until a headstrong mongoloid
Started groping for rhythm
In the quavering spasms.

Oh, but it was a jawdropper
A bang-up tour-de-force
A horrorshow time-warper
Of Luke and Kirk and spice,
The good apple ran the table
Till the old goat hacked the matrix
And the young hawks did their mind-tricks
Of a tessellated cat’s cradle...
And paparazzi made the odyssey
From planets Claire to Z
To dish how cosmic *******
Trysted protomolecule
As the major ghosted ground control...
In all, a very large array
Of bingeworthy groundhog days.
Lukewarm confabulation
Of the smoking embers
From the essential tremor
Ceaseless oscillation
Between good cop and bad copper.

And the girl scouts chorus
With cheeks full of S’mores
“For all of your fables
Of hobbits and hubbles
And sabering at windmills
You will never untie the volition
Riddled into the convulsion,
Nor how the campfire kindles
Nor be one of us.
You will always ***** the pooch
Halfway to the paw-paw patch.”

Nurse Dipso-Etheromaniac
And Dr. Thorazine-Brainiac
Shoved their two-part invention
Cold turkey into the clockworks,
Cleft lip
Fetal eyes
Flipper-fingered
Riddled with the shakes
Cold-shouldered him to another dimension
Where muggles punk ETs,
And their whiskey wizards
Serve up mock elixirs
Not some hair of the dog to undistemper
The secondhand DTs,
His doggo superpower.

Bill Grogan’s goat
(Bam bam bam bam!)
Was feeling frisky
(Bam bam bam BAM!)
Chased three red skirts
Across the galaxy...
“I knew you were one of the ***** boys
But why do your hands shake like that?
They flipper and gibbet all over the keys”
The sour-smelling teacher spat.

And the mean girls echoed
With tongues of acid
“See how they lurch and squirm!
You will never get to the paw-paw patch
You will never find dear little Susie
She will never teach you to hulu
And you will never two-step
With dear old Johnny
With fists of wiggle worms.”

He touched off the fireworks
Torching all your pomp and cirque
In some skullduggery
Of **** and villainy.
I, Dropout
Outcast
Clonetrooper
Mutineer
Hitched a ride north of the watchtower
Where imperial walkers with hooves of ice
Stomped the land flat, and late-blooming
Summer never shakes the phantom menace
Of the winter that is always coming.

Somewhere in the interstellar distances
Of Kantian prairie perturbed by auroras
Like those night-blooming skyflowers
I glimmered back into existence.
I drank with wildings dropped with the dead
And vaped the contrails of the mad rocketeers
(Kid Rambo, Def Louie, Jedi Freddy and Manny
Steampunk Sal and Wig Out Johnny)
But never found sweeter ******
Than the next bridge to burn.
I, callow flamethrower
Of Shiva, the destroyer.

Marshall Gunpowder Jehoshaphat Miller
The bad apple of the force
Hatchet-faced and porkpied
Dead by ****** suicide
Born again old-schooler,
Packing halitosis
From ossified canon
Skywalked me down.
Gospeled me like Luke
And knee-capped me with a curse
Shame; the oldest mind-trick in the book.
I served out my prodigality
In Ludovico therapy
Which for a half-life, somewhat took.

Headlong into retrograde
I crashed the zero-sum arcade
Fed a quarter into the supercollider
And with some crazy tic of the wrist
Spooked the ball’s trajectory
So it champagne supernovaed
And spat out the shabby ghost
Of a birthright lottery.
Thirteen golden statues.
But as the digits flipped
And the mission crept
As it does to one and all
Faster than a cannonball
I flashed back to renegade.

And the made girls chorused,
With cheeks full of Botox,
From their partial-view suites
And partner-track perks
Of bottomless cups
Of shut the **** up,
“You nearly made the grade, you!
But then you had to mouth off job-hop Hulk
Out, which finally betrayed you.
Now Security Guard Miller
Will escort you off the premises
For a reckoning with your nemesis
Regret, the silent killer.”

True, for a season I was a bluepilled moon
Marooned with space junk
And cypherpunk
Doomscrollers
Of deadend might-have beens,
Like the lunar sonata’s
Primal whisper of futility,
Until it tripolars
Into ultraviolent agitato
And hits escape velocity

Now loosed from orbit of the Goldilocks planet
I tumble through space in dumbstruck rapture
Of hurricaned stars and thundercloud nebula
I tremble in the thousand-parsec stare
Of the headless horde of dark riders
That stampede the stony hobbits,
Through the looking-glass of lightyears past
I see monstrous galaxies in ungainly copulation
Blushing Hiroshimas of atrocious release
And multi-sunned planets where misbegotten
Beings shudder into self-consciousness,

While I drift toward the event horizon
To be gobbled into the enigma
With a little gasp of gamma
Hammerstricken wires frisson.
Where the eleventh measure of the first invention
Counterclockwise corkscrews
Way down yonder in the paw-paw patch,
After a very long array of groundhog days
My skeleton crew bunch into alignment
Like that hunch of spooky entanglement
Or just possibly like that eternal dissonance
Quelled by a quanta of true arrogance,

In a clockwork grotto
Grows a chrysalis F-sharp
Where fingers at last Goldilock
Into queasy equilibrium,
To my dumb surprise
The dark sac butterflies
And there is Susie
A little tipsy
On hard compatibilism,
With hips of pulsars
And hands of auroras
She hulus like the time warp
Not spasm without rhythm
But otherworldly vibrato.

Do you realize I can see it?

That look in your eyes?

Saying I’m a freak?

A loser?

A spazz?

A good for nothing?

A ******?

That look that says I’m different?


I’m tired of being different,

Of trying to be like you,

Why do I even try?

To be like you?

Can’t I be myself?!

Oh wait no!

I CANT BE MYSELF!

It’s socially unacceptable!

What the hell!

WHY CANT I BE ME?!


Is that so bad?

To try to be myself?

To be individual?

To be unique?

To dress how I want?

To say what I want to say?

And do what I want to do?

And act how I want to act?

To be myself without rebuke and constrain of social norms?

To be individual without being told its wrong and being tied down with the ropes of unspoken social rules?

To be unique without being glared at with looks of contempt and aloof?

To dress how I want without being looked at like I’m crazy, or told it’s out date?

To say what I want to say without being told that it’s weird or out-of-line?

To do what I want to do without being told I have to stay within certain confines?

To act how I want to act without having my lines scripted and my moves choreographed by the rules and regulations of society?

Is it so horrible to want to be who I am without the looks that say I’m an out-cast or having to live within the walls of social norms?

Am I such a terrible person that I can’t be myself?


And do you realize I can see it?

That look in your eyes?

Saying I’m a freak?

A loser?

A spazz?

A good for nothing?

A ******?

An out-cast?

A person out of line?

That look that says I’m different?


Because I do see it,

And it hurts,

To know I’ll never be accepted,

Or told its okay to be me,

To be individual,

To be unique,

To dress, say, do, and act how I want,

And not have to ask my Mom,

‘Is this outfit okay?’

To ask my friends,

‘Did I say something wrong?’

‘Did I do something wrong?’

To ask my teachers,

‘Did I act out of line?’

To say to the whole wide world,

‘I’m sorry for being me,’


I see the looks,

I notice them every day,

And I must ask,

Can you please stop?

Because I’m sorry,

For being me,

Because I can’t change,

Who I am,

Because I see you, and I notice the looks you give me,

And they hurt,

So please?

Can you stop?

Just for one day?

Just one measly day?

Because it hurts,

And I can’t change,

Who I am.

Yeah, fearless, now watch me clear this obsession, that others keep stressing on, watching people keep wasting their lives over precious things as if they themselves have become like Gollum mon. But I digress, this is my mission, this my vision to run this dominion. I am fearless, devil can you hear it, I have overcome you're torment, I no longer fear ****. God oh the father up in heaven, It still looks like I aint one you're disciplinary brethren. This is my goal, ******* I am on a roll, can't decide which way to go. Classy so sassy, jumping over all you spazz's because you are all too drastic and dramatic. I am the fanatic that don't panic over first world problems, because ever problem can be solved, given time, I'm sure I will never again hit rock bottom. Fearless, so careless to the things that used to bother me, but nothing impedes me now that I got my masters degree. Going off you melon tops, you think I would give up when I got my friends for backup. So I haven't always been this way, but this is the way I rock today. I can only move forward, to tomorrow, can't look back at all my sorrow. Different me, so I think a lot differently, starting to build up my lyrical ministry. Fearless you can't commandeer this vessel that is so special,  that would be dreadful, so unethical to this human that is so gentle. Just a gentile that has over come his shackles, so gnomonical of all these obstacles I tackled. No more skipping over the point with the story of the birds and the bee's, because we finally have the keys to get off of our knees. To fearful are some, no fear for this one, because nothing can no longer have me outdone. Fearless can you comprehend how clear this is, but a lot of you are still to blind to see that fear is your nemesis. Why can't everything be good like in the book of genesis, I'll tell you why, because this generation has gone to ****, that is most definite. Some of you won't admit, but to be completely honest I don't really give two *****. No more fear holding me back from being in a relationship, I have become smart as a chip, blasting out here like I'm a rocket ship.

I wanna set the world on fire
instead I puff to get higher
shift,  flip,  switch,  bam
I don't even give a ****
enraged
im caged
hello chemical monster, where'd you come from
5 seconds ago I was totally numb
slam my brain into the wall.
Im just waiting for the downfall
irrational
theatrical
I wanna bleed myself dry
or bust open and ******* cry
its like im against myself today
don't even have the words to say
what the **** are you doing to me
I just want to be free
they spazz cause my smiles gone
ask me what in life is wrong
I don't know. I don't care
I just feel . life's not fair

‪Things you don’t say to‬
People who
Suffer from trauma
And traumatic life
Those worlds are....
Spazz
Spazzing out
And spazzed out.  
Say that and you
Will see how ******
The universe really
Is!!!

You were desperate for affection
you never knew I had
 You thought that it will never come
from my hands and mouth
Or even my heart
Constant give and take,
Yes you  always gave and never
  took what you wanted nor deserved
I'm sorry for having you cry tears
Or even making you have fears
I'm sorry for being such a ****!!!!!!
Trying to get revenge for something
You didn't mean to do
But you hurt me constantly inside
But yet you never knew
I gave my all even my trust
And when I saw you do something
Beyond compare and challenge my trust
I spazz out instead of letting go
I kept trying to hurt you and I'm sorry
I know your friends wanted  me
To be CUT LOOSE !!!
It was because how I treated you
I regret even hurting you
That was the one thing
I didn't want to do
So I ask for forgiveness
And for a second chance
To make it up to you
And I promise you
I will NEVER say or do anything
To EVER hurt you again.

let's take a second to listen
written alphabetically
with a brand-new addition
spliffing delivering
heat, cat on a hot tin roof
sizzling, Messi, dribbling
spit ill sickening
guest visiting,
lend me your ear, listening
shimmering as he shines bright
twinkling, divide, partitioning
locked up, imprisoning
doodle, scribbling
SA drill
spicing  with flavor
seasoning, using my head
thinking of reasons
to justify reasoning
for dazzling,
as we settle in

round 2 smurfed but
not blue, more a colored
hue, repping cape town
awe bru, wake up
disabling snooze
jesters you fools
visionary when I see
first from the back
they all lose
not a masquerade it's all true
deadline my times due
ask mew 2, pokemon
index, it's perplex
get ash too, over
a cuckoos nest birds flew
seeking asylum hes crazy
still frosty so cool
yu gi it's time to
dddd duel


this the part where spazz out
remove doubt, running circles
on tracks, roundabout,
roundhouse kick to chin and mouth
no handout, grind out
red hot
circular rounded
noise drowned out, not shouting for clout
cant recognize skill,
take this pill, it will break
the spell my tracks stackable
not saying this sarcastical
sarcastically or sarcastic
not applicable, resolve soluble
doubt dissolve i'm liquid cyanide
every track i ****, surgeons
precision with a scalpel
so skilful, I sculpture
syllables in rhyme schemes
unseen to the naked ear
class dismissed school bell

so tell all its not all folks
not ****** toons no jokes
not ****** tunes, with lazy tones
I have lampoons, that ******
death squad platoon
you'll be history lying in ruins
surfing these dunes no fear
seeing things as the series turns
with unclear reasons I'm nuclear

i’m wasting all your ****
because every time you get high
i blow you like ****
if i bit the tip off
blood stained teeth look so bad
because the braces off
gum problems grinding teeth
crunching on pearls having dreams
of pearly whites falling out like
chuck e. cheese token
wake up startled and you’re not next to me
panic attack paranoia at 3 a.m.
witching hour demon watching through
the window
i am not safe from cherry eyes with the
lamp on because they can see me
staring through the window
spazz out to realization
what’s behind the woods
i take a pretty pill and slither out the window
while laying in my bed
pillow texture heavy but pitter patter crunch grass therapeutic
soar through fence, float over trees
come to the spot
by the lake we sat at on easter
i want to go back to summer
i want to go back to spring
i want to go back to winter
when we were shy for each other
now i can’t look you in the eyes
without twists of guilt and adoration
because we argue too much
i don’t even know how to cry
while you fill up the lake
big brash geese flop down into
this pool of your tears
i brush my hand against your shoulder
to comfort you but you shudder away
from me
like i’m a ghost’s breeze
my heart dips its head and goes
downstairs for a snack
water dispenser don’t work
so my mouth’s dry with toasted air
strained lungs can’t cough up words to say
knowing how to comfort you is a skill i forgot
all i can repeat is i love you
you sob at the side of your house as i flutter to you
butterfly butterfingers
as you slip out of my touch
i’m getting so distant
because the tide is pulling me back
let me say i love you baby
you say “i know you do”
i retract back to my bed
no night’s sleep stuck in a trip
doxycycline ***** cycle
you witnessed eight times
in one night
and you comforted me
i miss when we took care of each other
cycling through our memories
i want to pedal to you
but i don’t know how to ride a bike
told your pappy i ran over my mom with
purple disney princess bike when i was six
you let me in your home
built up on swiss cheese drywall
basically an old married couple at sixteen
waking up in (y)our bed together
naked planning for our baby in ten years
please let me cross this imaginary line
and run into your arms
our bodies were crafted from fire and amniotic fluid for the sheer purpose
of holding each other
the nook of your neck and shoulder
and the cranny of my hips
we come together like puzzle pieces
please don’t swipe me off the table
i want to fit with you

People don't understand me
For I have been to the spirit
World and back

People don't understand me
For I see ghosts
From the other side

People don't understand
The fact that I am sensitive
The call me names


Insane
******
And spazz

Don't the lyrics know their words hurt

The people who were supposed to be
My friends
Proved not when I needed them
Most
I was called r***** for being interested in forensic science
A  spazz because I had emotional scars
And toll to k-i-l-l my self
Because i was unique
These people who were supposed to be my friends
Proved to be a pain in the ****
Both physically and emotionally
A keloid
To be rid of
Has more integrity
Then them
What they did they will have to
Answer for to God he says
Thru shalt not killer
But that is only with weapons
Not with words
As I was slowly murdered
And my dreams broken
These people who were my friends
They are
Fake

Tick tick tick tick....
Bang!
A textbook slammed on my desk to pull me back to class from where i was lost.

A clock. A simple object sometimes a simple distraction with a tick sound that for most is easily blocked out.
Not me.

My brain is wrapped in train tracks with overflowing pit stops an non of it ever shuts down, the train is constantly going at full speed and randomly will come to an abrupt stop at a pit stop not of my choosing.

So while sitting in a room with everyday items and situations every and anything is something alien to my brain. My eyes never knowing where to look like two scared trapped creatures trying to find a way out, left right left right up down up down corner to corner to corner .

My hands constantly fumbling with something, my toes wiggle or i shake my legs kinda how you shake your water bottle when you want the flavor powder to mix with the water, oh while i was thinking of that im now in trouble because I've drifted away from my seat and have been touching random supplies and talking to everyone but its ok i made my teacher and everyone else laugh so im not as in much trouble but i have to sit back down and focus on the lesson which is i don't understand bc all i hear when someone speaks is the sound you hear when the adults speak in the peanuts.

Before i realize what im doing i find my self with pencil in had doodling on my desk spirals an squiggles along with funny the characters , i wonder if anyone else notices the fly on the window, what if its literally spying on us gathering information to inform the bug an insect armies they are being trained to take out humans.

Tick tick tick tick...
My eyes dart over to the direction of the sound to find myself back at the clock and its like i jump out my body and dive into the clock which is full of crazy fast moving gears that i run on and jump from one to the other following the sound of the ticking because i swear theres a tiny room hidden in the clock and the sound can be changed.

While I'm traveling around my weird clock world when someone speaks to me i freak out because my ears finally register there's something else wanting to be heard and then everything shatters i jump back into my body an spazz out like whoah who's that who are you what are you saying why are you speaking to me Oh! Its only Rachel the friend I've had since like 2nd grade.

The days are so different, sometimes I'm a social crazy person who talks till you tell me to shut up and im constantly wanting to go to stuff and sometimes im difficult to keep under control while others days the world freaks me out i mumble my words i can't think or speak and i get anxiety that builds and builds up pressure till i breakdown, people make me nervous, large crowds give me panic attacks, talking to someone or having to answer something makes me want to cry until the room fills up with tears like alice in wonderland.
I'll stare at you and while you speak but i can't hear you my brain doesn't process your words or that your actually there, i look at you but i don't see you, i look at your lips an there clearly moving but i can't hear the sounds or make out the words , I've probably only been focused on your tiny freckle under your right eye that most wouldn't notice unless you pointed it out.

Then there are outbursts that are so confusing, like ill freak out if your clicking a pen maybe i didn't yesterday but today i know i will, you wanna have a conversation today? I think not because whatever you're talking about for some reason today it just ticks me off so i just want you to stop talking and leave me alone. Textbook on the left side instead of the right side of the table today well that is just not ******* ok with me so i sent your name and address down to hell on a post card. You wore purple shoes today? Well ******* DUDE THAT MAKES ME ANGRY AS HELL FOR SOME REASON I DON'T UNDERSTAND. While at time the mirror becomes an enemy an seeing my reflection makes my blood boil and makes me want to smash it into a million pieces.

Im on a constant rollercoaster and my head is a chaotic fair everyday. Simple tasks for you are daily battles i struggle with and i don't really understand myself but they don't need happy healthy kids who feel there in control of themselves an there actions. They need well behaved kids who make good grades and get acceptable test scores that do as there told.

So i get a doctor who will squiggle some stuff on a paper, tell all the parents to pump there kids with drugs when they don't act how they want then the teachers shove you in a tiny empty room with no one else so i take the test and get those test scores there dying for but i don't posters taken down or the stapler put in a drawer or the clock taken of the wall because those aren't my only distractions, im my own distraction i can escape inside my head for hours on end or i can stare at my hands for the whole day thinking of every detail on my hand in deep detail like its crazy.

A ****** for me is that i love art and i love writing but writing is hard i know i make alot mistakes but also sometimes my stories or poems or whatever im writing can change into something different or i go off topic because my brain never stops what ever pops into my head i write it as i think it even if I'm writing an essay on president Lincoln if cheetos pop into my head I'll start writing about like oh president Lincoln was the... man i like cheetos ya know there so orange an taste so good an like you can have crunchy or puffy, crunchy cheetos are my favorite i wonder if president Lincoln would've been a crunchy or puffy cheeto kind of man.

I need a big trash can for my brain.

You know that feeling when your stomach turns
Over and over till you spazz
Nothing given in return
you gave your last
Got nothing back
So now your city burns
Like a phoenix
And all the pain we’ve all seen it
Nothing to gain from this
Nothing but pain from this very moment
I hate you for leaving me in the dust
What the ****
You were my ride or die
But I was left behind
You should’ve stayed
But no you played
Not I feel betrayed
BETRAYAL