Fatherhood took me by surprise.
Between one sunset,
one sunrise,
the world transformed before my eyes

I ceased my solipsistic dream
became a link
within a chain
No more "the end": instead, "and then"!

The dusty streets down which I stepped
were not
an elaborate movie set
to be dismantled at my death
But now a path where I'd progress
where you might one day
trace my steps:
adventures that I could but guess


And how it felt, at last, to see!
The world sat up
and welcomed me
and I'm still reeling, giddy, free
Absolved by love, a spreading tree
of which I am the smallest branch
but bearing leaves:
a wild romance;
a step
within an endless dance.

under the sludge of this depression, I am awake. it’s morning outside but that doesn’t change a thing.

tiredness takes me to quiet places. I follow like I’m devout.

this forest is new. there’s a drumming of a heartbeat within the trunks of these trees.

it thrums under my fingertips. blood rushes forward to touch this rhythm.

songbirds nest, plume against plume for love and for rest. the birdsong is sweet as saccharine.

I taste the sap on my lips, its nectar, thick with agape. a salve for myriad laments under the roof of a single bell jar.

the indigo sky convulses, telling of fortunes. the clouds retch gilded roses.

blades of grass fence the circumferences of leaves in gypsy winds. the forest warms like a flame.

my body sways in solipsistic wonder. the crescents of my nails are crusted with lichen.

my limbs are drawn into its boughs, like gravity. like the bark is starved.

my mind is foliage and my crown is littered with inflorescence. my sky is finally cerulean and lilac.

each gall is an ancient hurt. each wound is a knot.

I breathe my mourning. I wait to bloom.

We have a small sculpture of Henry James on our terrace in New York City.

Nothing would surprise him.
The beast in the jungle was what he saw--
Edith Wharton's obfuscating older brother. . .

He fled the demons
of Manhattan
for fear they would devour
his inner ones
(the ones who wrote the books)
& silence the stifled screams
of his protagonists.

To Europe
like a wandering Jew--
WASP that he was--
but with the Jew's
outsider's hunger. . .

face pressed up
to the glass of ***
refusing every passion
but the passion to write
the words grew
more & more complex
& convoluted
until they utterly imprisoned him
in their fairytale brambles.

Language for me
is meant to be
a transparency,
clear water gleaming
under a covered bridge. . .
I love his spiritual sister
because she snatched clarity
from her murky history.

Tormented New Yorkers both,
but she journeyed
to the heart of light--
did he?

She took her friends on one last voyage,
through the isles of Greece
on a yacht chartered with her royalties--
a rich girl proud to be making her own money.

The light of the Middle Sea
was what she sought.
All denizens
of this demonic city caught
between pitch and black
long for the light.

But she found it
in a few of her books. . .
while Henry James
discovered
what he had probably
started with:
that beast, that jungle,
that solipsistic scream.

He did not join her
on that final cruise.
(He was on his own final cruise).
Did he want to?
I would wager yes.

I look back with love and sorrow
at them both--
dear teachers--
but she shines like Miss Liberty
to Emma Lazarus' hordes,
while he gazes within,
always, at his own
impenetrable jungle.

To be saved for you
Is to be passive,
Your goal to end our complaints,
To put us on a diet, starving on faux saints.
"Be peaceful, don't disrupt our war (and whorin')
Or we'll war against your peace."
So holy, so blameless,
All you want is for such joy
To be endless.
That's why you take from us our feeling,
Our thoughts,
And our choices,
Leaving us in chains,
Funneling us by limits
Created by YOUR taints
Into soul-destroying foyers,
Where time and life may waste.
You think that because you can't control you
That those who can should pay.
Selfish, solipsistic, your so-called love is locks,
Constraints on us to keep us quiet,
Your loving face a feint.
Blank stares you give us when we smile
Without the approval of your code,
All a maze to hide your lying, stealing, using ugly soul.
Shut up! Nothing is ugly! I'm perfect as I am!
Using killing thieving stealing!
Creating pain for generations to come.
All is well and all is equal, evil's well as good!
No consequences to my actions, grin and bear it like you should!
My glimmer proves I'm God's own child,
I use his name in vain, I AM! (be ******)
My smile's worth the price you pay,
So we pretend that we are clean!
Why wash when we can remain the same,
This Perfect Princely Palace
Of Peace and Love and Joy so long,
Clearly nothing here is wrong!
We have the Way, enjoy the fruits! Ignore the offal all around you, I promise you we're true! (and beauty too)
Rhyme and reason, faith and charity, motions you go through,
But nought ever improves.
So what is love if you don't care
Because you're bent on filling pews?
All men are hypocrites, all women liars,
Picking pieces that fill them up with ways to fuel their fire, to fool their eyes and ears and hearts
So they can doll up dogs and parade around desires
Claiming they're Divine.
None are good, all are false,
And every prophet suffers while the rich who seek toward heaven tell them quit your want for something better,
Settle for this trash, it's all we've got. (drink wine)
That's not a cherub's way, He's passion,
Not an old castrated goat
Who ***** the hooves of Shaitan,
Below the vaulted sky
To mewl for his grubby food.
What decency have men left,
What dignity, what shame.
Your lack of caring for those angels you make suffer before your faulty throne
Proves you're the one alone, unworthy of His name.
Next time you critique the critic
Perhaps you should hear him first,
Rather than making every verse you ****** a *****
To excuse your cowardice toward the Word, ye murderers of faith and love and truth.
Remember youth.
Your best be uncouth 'n' open,
Not hiding from the light.
They fight and claw toward heaven's voice,
Not run away in fright
From God's rumbling,
Whining about rough words,
So those selfish faux good demons can send more off a cliff of empty bliss without question,
While they get off on it in vile hubris, a craven's lust for power and control over other souls.
(Learn the Lesson)
So take your hats off,
Show your skin,
Be more honest,
And Let Me In.