Dude i have no clue
no ******* idea...
why i continue to fantasize about chue....
idk...
what is it...
like 8th grade...
you...
the memory
continues...
after these past 2 years i still fantasize about you
....and i cant picture you accepting me...
for who i am
i can't
....like
when i picture you
...like i have to be o some mila kunis, megan fox, kim k typa ****...
its like i have to be this trophy in order to keep attention
...its like i knew you liked me
....and it was an interesting attatchment ill say....
but...
i guess it wasnt meant to be
i was looking for a **** buddy back then
and so were you
we were 8th ******* graders
i was immature af....
i didnt know **** tbh...
i was an air head...
who only cared about boys, popularity, friends, and herself...
i was a ***** lowkey
i wanted to be on top...
of the world
...of that school
...of him lol
but i was on the inside
...insecure
but he made me...
he fooled me
..into thinking he was securing me
....like ****
i was a fool
and i was def crushin on em
but now....
its really embarassing to think about
like....****
***
was 8th...the ****
ya know
that whole shabang
was really messin up
and im done with that past
pretending...
insecurity..
attention..
like....
i am over that
you were real to at the time
i was insecure looking for someone to clench on to
keep me up
motivate me
....but you did the opposite
you were like a demon in disguise
...no offense
i mean at the time speaking
but i dont want to cringe...
when i see a pretty *** girl
i dont need to pretend to be "pretty"
nor what you want
nor be that *****
because im not
...im so much more
....like....****
im done living a life in the shadows
a hidden life
my life...is what is what it is
take it...
leave it
i dont care
you are gone
im never gonna see you ever again
but i mean im sorry we couldnt be friends
but the tide
the flows gotta flow
ive gotta go
take ****
and ill keep it in the toilet...lets say that

I got a  little canoe
and set sail to the moon
I took my bandanna and pulled it tight.
Grand Dads bottle of Makers Mark was my good supply
some Marlboro Smooths and a old swiss army knife incase I got shipwrecked.
I cashed in my last paycheck and told my boss I wasn't comming back
I had a Full Moon to catch and the sun was already setting.
I ran into Johnny **** Eyes at Holiday Gas Station and asked if he had any of them mushrooms still and if he had a extra couple hits of acid..... "Infact he replied I just got myself a quarter and about a 10 strip of acid for myself but your going to the moon right... in that old *** canoe your Grand Dad gave you when he passed away. I replied " Yeah Johnny I got a Harvest Moon thats not gonna be waiting long mind if you just toss me a deal and give me the whole shabang." I pulled a friend card and mentioned the time I hooked him up with 4 double stack X pills back in the day and also cut him a deal on a Rothbury ticket. Needless to say he handed that **** over. So back to the river shore where I began the tale I was scared of what was to come, I was scared to just leave without anyone knowing.  I put on my old converse sneakers strapped up my suspenders put a little engine oil in my hair to slick it back and rolled my sleaves up in my flannel said a little prayer to Grand Dad that his canoe would make it... I remember watching him build it with his strong hands before the parkinsons kicked in... I remember him telling me that this ****** could go to the moon and back.... so I popped 3 hits of acid took a big swig out of the Makers Mark, Lit a Cig and said to the sky well Grand Dad you better be right.... You better be right

Isn't it hilarious?
That the ones
You love
Like you
Sister
and
Mother
Don't care
About you?
They say,
'I love you'
but they yell at you,
'I hate you'
In the same day?
Over
a measly
pair
of earbuds?

How do I
Convey to someone
That I hate them
Without speaking?
Crying
While silent?
Trying to
BE
INDEPENDENT
LIKE
YOU
TOLD
ME
TO,
GROW UP,
MAKE A VOICE,
AND
B R E A T H E
WITHOUT YOU FAWNING OVER ME LIKE I'M SOME NEWBORN DEER IN THE WINTER, MOTHERLESS, UNLOVED, AND UNCARED FOR.

They lied
Sugar-coated lies,
Harsh lies,
Bitter,
Vengeful lies.
I'm used to it.
Used to it all.
Starting at the age of four.

I stayed up
Crying.
I'm...
Happy?
This is better
Take off the make-up
Let the world see
How
They
Treated you.

Scars
Eyebags
The whole shabang.

Be against them
Even
If
You're
The
Only
One.

But

They don't ask
Not for my side of the story
Why I did it
Or
If
I
Was
Alright.

I HATE
THIS
WORLD
AND THIS
FAMILY

WHY
DID
YOU
PUT
ME
HERE

It's my birthday on Friday.
Maybe they'll notice if I die.
Most likely they won't.
But it won't matter to them.
But it will matter to me.