all poems write themselves, following plans that are drawn only
as the poem goes along, neither leading or following, but
carrying the writer along as first violin, a VIP passenger,
the first viewer, a consultant but not a conductor

a poem is written based on what has happened
a poem is written based on what was hoped to happen
a poem was written based on what could never happen
but is so well imagined that it is more real than if it happened

I willingly tell you I will not tell you which is what, for there is no difference between them for the writer, the first passenger,
though undeniably fully aware of the quality of the ware
that is proffered, plottered or just perchanced

perhaps you are thinking, but of course,
this is the way,
the way of all of us,
the way it has and will be and no
disclaimer needed for no believable claims are made

perhaps
for the weave is oft tight, tight as near-truth, and so well imagined, it wraps the first passenger in a cloak of skin
that actually feels, though cloaks cannot feel,
but belief is easily eased

there are no lines or lies in my writings
there are no definitions and
perception is only your truth


Therefore,
my poems are splats and drips.
you make them into paintings that hang
in your own private museum
but authenticated by me as
first viewer,

3/13/18
1:09am

I learnt to tie my shoes
I learnt to ride my bike
I learnt to smoke
I learnt the vulnerability of fully exposing an idea
I learnt to tie my shoes
I learnt to adapt my behavior in the light of others' actions.
I learnt the difficulty of sustaining the hopes of youth.

I remember a French girl with an English name.
'Leave me now, return tonight,' she told me every morning, and I did.

I remember an English girl with an French name.
We were the circle that no one could break, or so I thought.


Yesterday I was there.
Today I am here.
The two are light years apart.

I dance with a friend,
holding her hand realize,
how disconnected I have become,
from the simple beauty of touch.


I return and sense,
that things are not the same as before,
but feel had I stayed,
everything would likely seem the same.


Your words touch me.
Your thoughts excite me.
I want to try all that.
Explore everything with you.



Alone.
All one.


If and but and maybe and whatever.
I hate those words.


Everything doesn't have to be perfect.
To idealize is also a form of suffering.

                          
                                             ------ by Julian Hibbard



st...26 march 2014

I envied the cadavers haunting my nightmares,
watching those before me
spread upon a metal slab
bodies are hand-me-downs of regurgitated poetry,
with wretched closets in which I take their place.

This ventilator called "loved ones"
forcing breath into anguished lungs-
tragedies belonging to these poets meant something,
a desire to save the words written,
but never the one who becomes a eulogy.

Agony burrows inside of me,
conversations with my mother's ghost
still,
the living are possessed by
the dead's shortened tomorrows.

To die by suicide wouldn't give,
authenticity to hurt.

I am learning the autopsy of a soul:
extracting a heart from the chest,
as it's sense of belonging was never there.
An inability to weigh the words bleeding from valves,
aside lungs I'm unable to breathe through.

How ungrateful is it of sorrow to ask for hope?
placed in a pill divider to swallow,
muscles within my throat so tight.
Wondering,
How many times did I diminish my voice?

Inside the brain,
schematics of labyrinths with no end to betterment.
Surgeons reach for a soul,
an iridescence small enough
held in a gloved palm,
watching it writhe.
Placed upon a slide,
but even a microscope
cannot perceive the pain a soul hides.

Once more,
stitched with needle and thread.

Wilting of my own garden,
comes one day-
an incision is made opening me up.
My heart showed the same
blood-red ink, writing apologies
on the marble floor.

They opened my arm,
displaying a noose of veins.
In this moment,
they removed my soul
only to gift it to another
birthed from torment
ripped out of the arm's of their mother
& into the embrace of woe.

—V.H.

Close your eyes and feel the presence of yourself,
Abolish the world from your thoughts and let reality melt
We live within our senses, We Are Nothing, but we’re here can you admit this
I amend it, a way of thinking that allows time to become absent.
Rather you’re at your pinnacle or in your casket
No life form can match it, imagine the end as anticlimactic
Imagine your life without scare tactics, without fear schematics
Our lives are mapped out,
Until we look within
This is where spirituality begins.
The things our brains can’t yet comprehend
Though once we must have been
Society road blocked our creativity in
Stressed simplicity until we believed it again
The ancients are more modern yet we call them cavemen.
We’re told to read books and agree with the men
When our opinions start to differ we’re told to read it again
Well now I take a stand as firm as the genetics of man,
Strong as God’s right hand.
This is where my life begins.
This is where my struggle ends.
I used to strive to survive thinking life could end.
This can’t be God’s intent,
The unseen started this trend,
Why must we fight when we don’t have to fight to win?
We’re all unified by love, but also by sin.
God is love, so love has always been
Though sin was started with man
Since sin has a start it’s possible for it to end
God’s love is strong it won’t waiver or bend
It won’t imprison us within our sin
However there’s doubt in the voices of influential men
I won’t be manipulated by their sounds,
Their actions I won’t recommend
Reprehensible are the things I’ve seen
Irresponsible are human beings
Confined by time their lifetime is all they see
Motivated by greed and material things broadcasted on T.V.
Seems like they’re following the map to me
The trail left by the previous which is devious
There is more to life than what we see in it
Outside of time we’re fine, but we grieve within it
We’re told we’re destined to meet death
So we place that fear deep in our chest
Look at the map and find some points to connect
School 8 hours a day for 13 years,
After that you’d think we’d be considered equal by our peers
But they subtract our success until we add tears.
So we have to go to college for a few more years
Then work 8 hour days to gain acceptance.
With all we learned throughout our years
How could we miss life’s biggest lessons?
We remain blind to the fact that God is near
God is hear; his voice is like my heartbeat
I lay beneath the dark sheets,
And listen for hours to my love’s heart beat
Our women are a blessing, but they don’t teach that lesson
What could the cardiac spark be?
It’s said even the earth has a heartbeat
How smart should I be after 20,000 hours of learning?
A long journey, but we all must attend.
To be taught the theories of men,
To be misled again and again
Time remains, but not man
Look at the time we’ve gained vs. the time we spent
We didn’t pay God to live so after our first day of life
We have a 24 hour deficit.
1440 minutes of our heart beating and,
Our lungs breathing for no apparent reason
Besides that fact that God believes in us
It’s not like God needs us; but we need him.
He created the seed from which we began.
Though our arrogance created disbelief of him.
How ignorant are we not to believe in him.
We help conceive our sons, but don’t breathe life in them
The Breath of Life is in them, The Breath of Life is in us.
So God’s a must, or our lungs would combust
Our dollars read “In God We Trust.”
Though where do we place our trust if money rules us?
Currencies was created by society, to establish a variety and levels of man.
The poor are weak and the rich are prominent men.
We’re taught to chase money, but in the bible it’s taught as sin.
After that first dollar a quest for power begins,
Where did it all begin more money more power let us start over again?
No money, no power just our spirituality within.
God will forgive again if we put our trust in him.
Though we remain to put our trust in men.
They continue to lie over and over again
About the preexistence of man
We’re man’s existence began.
This is why I take a stand.
This conventional way of life I don’t understand
So I’ll close my eyes, look deep within, and listen to love that god sends.
We need to understand the love that God is
The love God gives, he gives us life, and the chance to make it right.
Despite our numerous infidelities, various misdeeds to bring out his jealousy.
It inspires anger in me to think, to be the creator of all things,
And see your created beings giving worship to inanimate deity.
This isn’t radical thinking, rather rational thinking.
We let our arrogance and addiction to power turn us into irrational beings.
Trapped by fear of what society thinks,
Society reeks in its intoxication; drunken with power.
Sobriety is considered insanity in this nation.
Though those made out to be sane lack brains, and the knowledge of the true God.
I find it odd that Christianity was made adjacent with this nation.
Now God is thought of as a façade and they attempt to replace him.
“In God We Trust.” How many of you can find truth in that statement as a Nation?
Do you see the truth in what I’m saying or do you remain blinded by hatred.
Look deep in yourself find your lust for power and replace it.
Instill love in your heart come out of the dark.

At this point I feel like the universe is mocking me.
It might not be that I don't see god, but that I can't.
The past comes fast to bite my heels every time I
think that I'm making progress. I'm wiser now than
I was before, it's clear, I affirm as I take today's pills
so I can step out the door. Suicide was a big deal
but I never did it. Over time I realized how good
it is to choose friends. How safe it is to manipulate --
over self-destruction, what an improvement. A
sad sea of years is only bad with a lack of grasp
on the force that pushes you with an eager
wind. How safe is it to say, simply that I've changed
for the better and made improvement?

We broke the truce way back when,
you thought I was God and I couldn't prove it.

History repeats with a new veneer. A new sheen
to improve the wrapping of the package.
The package's contents remain the same.
History repeats with a new veneer. A new sheen
to improve the wrapping of the package.
The package's contents remain the same.
History repeats with a new veneer. A new sheen
to improve the wrapping of the package.
The package's contents remain the same.

No dispute. I’m not here to refute.
Hardly can register, let alone compute.
I try and navigate without quite knowing the route
but i would prefer the journey even if the destination isn't absolute.
All about life, acquiring knowledge like it’s loot,
I’m on an adventure through time as peaceful warrior recruit.
Making observations sometimes astute
and tying to figure out the difference between being silent and being mute.
Using honest and concentrated intentions that never dilute,
I deal the cards and find the patterns that suit
the direction I’m aiming towards to shoot.
Taking the steps necessary boot by boot
with the idea that growing forward comes from some kind of root.
With concepts both vast and minute,
some tend measure me by angles and label me acute
but I’d rather be noted by the endeavors of my pursuit
so I’m going to be have a filter that shall not pollute
and have words that thoughts may deem as forbidden fruit.
If you happen to disagree, makes you not necessarily brute
but if you feel like me then find a clever way to salute
and discover what ever it is for you that you find resolute.

None to sum/
it up in addition to/
A fraction underlying facts climatic subliminal/
additional subtracting decimals exercise as I see fit/
conditional regiments it all works out settled a calm bereavement/
A dead cause/
Conquer by divide/
So long like a good buy/
purchase blind had to a-dress the naked eye look/
Observe As I concur with these verbs/ learned/
action/
created/
moved/
elevation/
un organization to a smooth concatenation/ no exaggeration it's over well done/ the product of minus what was taken? some/ would say there's no equal equanimity equal to none/
Philosophical
math a scientific conundrum/

Corroding off in wreckless control
Repeated lines stretching infinitely in ambiguity
Sharp muscle relaxant mistakes
As we career off the road
Into a ravenous singularity
We are unforgiving, cynical yet synthetically joyous
Quick to pardon
Whipped with a gold leash
Delicate, leaves, Celtic music
Rubik's cubes in our throats
We're ready to let love in, willing
Nova tech, drunk masks and indication
Indignation, we clutch, we fail
Partial to conditions
Stones out of focus

Accelerate
Engines bleed borders
You are the free way
Impotent with quartz remnants
Ruins to our fantasy
You hide history
Covered in my burrow
Braking until necks break & bags burst
Powdered hair, liquid lips
Let's drive home
Go beyond the limit
Break each others bones
And crush our entities
Suffocate on suffixes
Her explanation acquits the doubt
As we appear closer than we may actually be
Industrial stacks stretch towards invisibility
Letting go of their concentrate
Gelatin mind
levitate into connection

Cups turned upside down
Entrapping ego in near vacuum
Aqua ducts bouncing off feline eyes
2 & a 4
Perfect air in a foreign atmosphere
Spinned on axis, ways to conduct
Your supply
Secede madness
Eternal order
Lungs sharply inhale with uncertainty
Hydroplaning your attempts at adultery
Decision was never your thing
Unmoving at every turn
Passion with objects
Reactions flicker between humility

It gives gifts
Your skin melts to the touch
Chocolate in magma
Molten sound deafens drench
Jealous mess, dividend
Hugging and dripping black with stability
Back, holy scripture written with integration
Sealed with treachery, acetate photography
Capturing clear innocence
Boredom and sinfulness
Spiked militant
Pencil drawn neuroses, veil
Bow down to schematics, we're radar
Sonar structure solar
It's all part of the process

Lines drawn.
               Erasers
kept tucked in back pockets.
I'm circled. I'm shaded.
Smudged out,
separated.
You'll redraw the floorplan
schematics are changing
and I've
               got the handbook.
     regulations tossed out windward.
               Wearing out
all the reasons for more sensible feelings.
The seasons change fast here,
I'm sure you'll be leaving again.

               And you'll go
any place
that the latest squall takes you,
expecting I'm waiting.
But I've got blueprints of my own.

"Go anywhere you choose.
I won't care about the news."
The headline that I'm writing
and I wish that it were true.

So roll me up with the rest
of the shabby, used up trash.
Emptied cups and smoked-out butts.
All that's good has been unwrapped.
               I'm cellophane.

Life spans.
               Placeholders.
Not even a memory.
It's notched up. It's useless.
Refused
and ablated.
I'll toss out these blueprints.
**** all these schematics.
And you
               wrote the last word
     scrawled out in constructed language.
               Wearing out
every patience for these senseless intentions.
I'm fenced off. You flatter
yourself and you're leaving again.

               And I'll go
right back home
to my tiny apartment
where four walls await me.
But I still don't want you to leave...

...'cuz it's easy to believe
that you're beautiful beneath
these buzzy, dimming bar lights,
squinting through this hazy scene.

I've seen
               this one before.

I know the script
like the way to my front door.

But, with constructed language,
our meaning will languish.
And I'll fade back to static.
                                   Again.

Plasmatic schematics
mold plastics
& filament
dangles in the doorway.

Grape fuit sweat,
enough to fill a
Basilisk flask,
stains my nostrils.

Thermodynamic hammocks
solved the energy crisis
between me
& her.

A golden silhouette
postulates in my doorway;
speaking in tongues
to her ****.

She is the structure
of  water.
The process
of a thought.

Gouge out my eye
&
hold it consciously
between those clammy palms .

I have
A faulty brain
You have to excuse me
They use me
For tests
Studying
The schematics
Of a pscycopathic
Nonbeliever
WIll bring light
To the mysteries of
The dark mind

They say
You will never understand me
And I urge you
To never try
I am
A firm believer
In the absurd
And I vow
To never to stray
NOW MOVE!!
Before I let loose
With words to subdue
You're mind subtly
Then suddenly
I fascinate!
Until you indulge
Into this state
Of unknowing
Knowledge
Evil as the apple
Eve picked from
The tree
Sweet treat
Would you also
Like a bite to eat?

I am
The imperfect creation
Made perfectly
For your consumption
Others may slump in
Depression
Then
It's do and die
Commiting
Philosophical suicide
With the extremists
Who would sacrifice
A child's life

For god's sake
Who made
A mess out of earth,
Snakes?
Who constructed
This absurd brain
To think this way
What hands formed
The mandible
Which speaks
Sinful opinions

The open-ended
Questions of life
Were reserved
For religion?
Tell me why
I
Can imagine a place
As evil as hell
But can't create
And wouldn't
If I could

Speak vile
But
My actions speak justice
Just as quick
As you claim
I'll lay in a lake of fire
I'll say
I have to stay
And never leave
This is the punishment
For saying
What I believe.

Half past intermittent lunacy,

  quarter to expectations in

restoration's consciousness &

   brain filtered hullabaloo,

catching flies whilst passing time

   it's all set in  enigmatic mindset,

take a pill to swallow the moon

    or sun yourself on a deserted isle

hardly matters the schemed schematics,

   makes not one bit of difference

               to the ravenous cuckoo clock