not all **** videos are equal

one searches the index,
hopeful a screenshot
pinpricks the eye and the peculiar

peculiar need of the moment

like most things good and appreciated,
sifting through the chaff is a learned skill,
required but not intuitively sired,
not every new word in the dictionary
delights, insights, triggering a welcome!warning

the sifter’s handle fits the hand uncomfortably,
requiring egregious prodigious turnings,
till the flour is silky and manipulative, ready,
pleasure is work, luster need maintenance

you passover, skippering,
a search for the next and the next,
treasured island is constantly on the move,
it’s coordinates require GPS updating

rerouting rerouting rerouting

what does this reveal about you?

there are no simple single path pleasures,
the first bite delight is ultimately worn down,
recalled but not equally fully restored,
so we need, insistent for new thrill pathways
to get to the same old pleasured places

the body acts, the body’s acts, the body’s reacts

familiarity is a  museum collection,
everything human requires updating,
especially essentially by
the imagination’s perpetual swiping

I saw you between buildings
working in sun
network of light
letting liberty reconnect.

Wires buzzed
high voltage streamed inside them
darkness questioned its own shades
sparks dripped into night's gulf.

Fervent as LIGHTNING
lathering rooftops
sizzling bolts spying timber
smothering scars.

I saw you tunnel down
infinite pure light
shattered by solitude
entering bold, courageous

down into dark mines
soldier who never stumbles
suspending notes caressed in silence
protecting seeds, engaged by yearning

I watched you grow
twisting up
gnawed by roots and rocks
begging for water

circling wider than galaxies
melting skin, taking down drapes
promising to visit me
in tombed up places


dizzy as smoke
curled up by desire
amnesia searching for identity
drafted by absolute fire

changless architect
rerouting for change
vicious as dawn rising in Saturn
gentle as mist leaking from
her melted eyes

swallowing his compassion
vanquished revenge to steam
her savage attack whirled
in amorous sheets.

I felt you unveil arousing
every heartsick wish
blasted down by wailing wills
puddles of December gathering

reflecting on above
while drowning below
who is it speaking kindness
after rippling screams uprooted trees

volley my soul
back and forth
between worlds
consume this spark

encircle your breath
with goading light
dancing inbetween
two ruined buildings

I listened to rocks slurring for mountain
I heard trees lust for water
I felt the cries of troubled voices
flare across two highways

rerouted by dark and light.

You and I were introduced as the wheels left the ground
And we angled towards the heavens.
Hundreds of miles per hour,
South bound, towards the Florida Keys
And you mentioned the  unusual serenity
That lies at forty thousand feet.
I memorized a trusting face while turbulence
Interrupted our peaceful flight
And you found your first opportunity
As you played in on my fear of heights.
You ended up following me, something I never expected
And like an unwelcome pest,
Like a moth or a spider,
You took up residency in the cold dark corners I neglected.
You so intricately spun your web of lies outside my home
And when you introduced your bait,
You let it dangle above my doorframe,
And I didn't hesitate.
I sunk my teeth into your tragedy and you wove me in
Leaving me tangled in the silk you manufactured,
All along that's how I let you win.
I let you tear open my stitched up wounds
And peel back my flesh and expose my interior
I let you examine how my brain functions during REM sleep
I let you study my neurological system,
And I gave you a private screening of my dreams.
While I was busy over analyzing your past
You were rerouting my neurons
And creating malfunctions within the synapse.
You rewired my entire nervous system
While I let you research the functions of my cells.
You're nothing more than the insects and the pests
With too many legs that crawl along my cellar walls.
Like a daddy long leg spider, I never saw you as a threat
Until you tangled me in false intentions
And left me for dead.
I learned the daddy long leg spider
Has a poisonous venom, lethal if injected
But it was cursed with a mouth and teeth too small
To leave any human the slightest bit affected.
But I was the one who allowed you
To shrink me down and make us the same
So your tiny teeth could penetrate my skin
And leave venom in my veins.
And it was only in that moment, finally standing eye to eye
That I noticed the lack of conscience in your irises
For the first time in my life.

The automaton
Encrypting a nation
Heaven
Hell
Gods
And devils
A bio-mechanical equation
Living in circuits
Under pavement
Enslavement
In eternity
We
Are the angels
The demons
The adamant
The legion
Cursing from bended knee
In the triviality
Of truth
Are we
Not to be
Anything
But seen
Between the seams
Of perceived reality
Feeding
Off children's dreams
Breeding the themes
Into memes
And scattering
the practicality
Amongst
The capacitors
Magnifying
our hurt
Synthesizing
The whispers
Into blurts
For the world to hear
Not my words
My word
Wordless in itself
Silent as the film
Serenading
The filth
With the music of my youth
Leaking doubt
from the roof
Rerouting the abuse
Rescinding the ruse
And rebooting
With the other
7 billion fools
Aloof
As toothless mutes
Sparking mutiny
Amongst troops
Pursued by armadas
Of savage sonatas
Of cleaners
Meaning to
demean us
In the cleavers
That be-heave us
Or our humanity
Self created
In the slated
Boxes to think in
To tinker
Is sin
Repeat
and again
Condemn
The denser
To death
In breathless
Conviction
To the addiction
Onset
In step
To rest
My head
On the *******
Of your disbelief
I'm still asleep
Counting the sheep
Counting the creeps
My sub routines
Obsolete
In a sea of snakes

All those memories will be lost in time
Remembering, how the *** used to be
The pain, the games, and now it’s the shame
of unresponsive low libido , rerouting all lanes
Replaced, by the latest muscle relievers

The legs refused to go beyond the sixty degree angle
to stretch the inner thigh muscles

They crack their back, just by ripping the covering off the condoms
While their toes curves due to the deficiency of vitamins B12

Remembering how the *** used to be, wild, wild and carefree
Mobility without the Immobility
can ruin one’s ****** activities

Grief...

Sneaks up on you
without warning
like a thief in the night
blinding you with its unthinkable power
forcing you to stop in your tracks
rethink everything you thought was real
stealing your happiness
smothering your joy
masking your pain
rerouting your future
Mere seconds
Is all it needs
to sweep you off your path
leaving you wandering in the dark
with no signs pointing where to go
an empty, frightful road ahead
but that part comes later


At first you forget...
How to think
How to feel
How to breathe
But you must do these things
To survive the impact
Shutting down inside
Until you are nothing
Memories on replay
Questions with no answers
Nothing makes sense to you
Yesterday was a dream
of the life you once lived
Today is your reality
Cold, hard, blunt reality
Where time has ceased to exist
But only in your world
And all you can think about
is the divide between
then and now

You may stay here a while
then slowly you start to notice
the eerie silence
of being by yourself
and you reach out to someone
anyone who will listen
you can talk
you can cry
you can scream
you can laugh
you can be alive again
the emptiness has been filled
with emotion again

Then you find yourself
on your knees
paralyzed by the strength of grief
you can't get up
and face the truth
so you hide behind a faithful ruse
those fake smiles
the forced laughter
the countless “I'm okays”
but this will never be okay
how can you accept this
tragedy of your life
and that is the beginning
of all the real emotion
springing forth from a trapped well
inside your soul
feelings you forgot you had
fear you never imagined you'd have
thoughts you wish would stop
pure, raw, human emotion

Anger that threatens to consume you
in fits of rage that threaten your sanity
asking over and over why
knowing you'll never have an answer
mad at him for what he's put you through
mad at yourself for being angry at him
mad at the world because it exists this way
your search for answers
leaves you asking more questions
overwhelming you to the point of tears
then you cry and let it out
until you have no more tears
and you yell at him
and tell him how much you love him
and tell him how much you hate this
and tell him how you wish he was here
and then you yell that your sorry
and you don't even know what for
but there is nothing else to say

The push and pull
between holding on and letting go
feeling happy and feeling sad
wanting to live and wanting to die
knowing you don't have a choice
but to go on and live your life
even if you don't know
what living it means right now
waking up is hard to do
and getting through a day
is your main challenge
so you push through the pain
and fight back the tears
but when the sun sets
and all is still again
there you will find
your old friend grief
welcoming you back again

I don't know if you read poetry
I don't know if this counts as a poem.

But I think of you often
Constantly floating through my ever  changing
train of thought. Rerouting
changing tracks running at full speed.
Taking highest priority.

I think of the things I want to tell you.
Like how I like your smile, the muscles down your back, they way you look at me when I do something dorky.

I think of how I want to kiss you, how I never get tired of hearing everything you have to say about anything,  how hugging you is the safest I've felt in a while.

I think of you often. And when will I see you again. We'll both be different people by then. But we'll keep in touch and keep happy. I'm excited to see you again no matter who you are next time.

My secret place began with a big bang, expanding as space divided and multiplied.
Intersections and dark lines forming strange corridors
Watching each mass in flux become its own synaptic map.
Gloomy ghosts of the past intersecting with visions of the present.
Energy always pushing forward constantly rerouting old wiring.
My secret place is a radiating pool reflecting infinity within a cave of glowing moss.
Shallow puddles paint theses surfaces but beneath their glimmering façade
There are endless depths funneling to dimensions beyond my own comprehension
Worlds of what if and why not places where loved ones are never lost just locked away
Saved in an astral plane to be remembered any day I choose.
Emotions are evident through the rocks as they cycle through cliché colors
Red for rage, blue for despair, green for calm, and purple for passion.
Siren songs of yester everything echo through the wet walls
Sounding lamentation and celebrations of every degree
From overjoyed and apathetic to all the shades of agony.
Angels and demons manifest in varying degrees of desire.
Ego and id sipping slime from the pulsing membrane of the cave walls.
Red rocks thumping like an African drums beating to the rhythm of my heart.
For some their sacred secret place is a safe zone but my home is fraught with danger.
There is always ying and yang *** for tat.
Abstract things born to balances great happiness with deep sadness,
So I can appreciate the beauty and irony because security is an illusion and stability is for fools.
My secret place is fluid always adapting to me, a changing sea unencumbered by destiny.
Better than Wonderland worse than Neverland, and almost as sweet as OZ.
I won’t lose my head but I may lose my heart while flying far to slow to start.
All dreams and fantasies rise and fall from within these corridors.
Prison cells of DNA forms certain passageways flaring with neurotransmitters.
My secret place will fall one day receding into the dark shadows of collapsing stars
Be ****** up into the grand void of space and spit out a wasted mass of molecules.
No matter how hard I try to describe this, you will never really know my world.
As I will never live in yours, so I wonder what is your secret space like?

Cement and mortar
Endlessly eroding
Cool breezes occasionally intervene
In your Dad's first job as a crane operator
Lifting piles and drivin' 'em in

Rerouting a part of the river
A steam engine pile driver still used
Years past are sketched with his words

So many little details he'd convey
Always pleased to recount them
Yesterday's scenes told and retold
Remembered romantic scenes
Eternal pictures now extant in our brains

For days now im having allot of flash backs. From every moment of my life from good to bad. Even those memories I kept inside not because they were nightmares but because they were beautiful dreams and Im afraid that it wont happen again.  Its blackout and now its raining hard. I decided to sit near the door just far enough not to get wet. But outside it was like the inside of our house , it was pitch black but the silhouette of the trees are clear. Then comes an airplane rerouting it seemed for it circled away. Then a flash back came . And again it started. I remember all the beautiful things that happened to me in the past years. I smiled then a car cross in front of the house the light was bright then another batch of memories came now it was those memories that you want to be just nightmares but it wasnt, Now im having shivers and tears fall. The past has hunted me down again. For years I tried to fight my way out but for years I failed. Now I decided to run because I think thats the only way to be free from these binds but only to see myself shackled up once again.  As the shackles felt heavy. I felt giving up. Lighting Flashed. Then I saw a face. Then thunders roared then it vanished. Who was that. I ask myself , the heavy shackles  felt a little lighter now. A lightning flashed again then comes another face. Comes the thunders then it fade. The shackles felt lighter and lighter as faces vanishes. Then Again I ask  myself who were those . For minutes lightning flashed and thunders roared. A face shows up and vanishes away. Im still puzzled but then I realized who were they. They where my demons, my past that I was so afraid off. Only then I have realized that those demons are not locked up anymore because I didnt hide them I already conquered them. And I was running away from mere illusions. My past was really behind me now and they are not nightmares but just memories. Then I smiled again.

I feel dumb
because
the blood isn't
making it to my brain
it's rerouting itself
to where
it's pumped
and I
feel
light-headed

*falls

I often feel mistaken to the fact that I could be doing wrong a thousand times,
Simply because the fact I could be telling a thousand more lies.
Well truthfully speaking it felt so easy to get lost in something wrong,
Numbing myself in what my spirit tells me not to do.  Yet still doing it for so very long.

So anyway I woke up today pretty much same as I always have and sometimes will.
Though, shouldn't I be waking up to find new ways to put my troubles to rest and not let them  roam free to ****.

Troubled by so many many things.
What does my own future hold for me. Memories of how many times I've fallen in love yet they were all just so many flings.

But not the love for a living being,  rather the living desires of a lustful heart.
Obsessed with how their sweet taste breaks me and rips my spirit right apart.

Just a ticking time bomb, that I desperately need the codes to defuse.
If I could go back in time to guide my former self,  I would teach  you how to refuse.
But it's best not to live in such a distant different past, for I find hope in this today's counting.
Though I may have lost track of my own plot, I just simply need rerouting.

So reroute my mind,
So I may become to myself a much better kind.

My secret place began with a big bang, expanding as space divided and multiplied.
Intersections and dark lines forming strange corridors
Watching each mass in flux become its own synaptic map.
Gloomy ghosts of the past intersecting with visions of the present.
Energy always pushing forward constantly rerouting old wiring.
My secret place is a radiating pool reflecting infinity within a cave of glowing moss.
Shallow puddles paint theses surfaces but beneath their glimmering façade
There are endless depths funneling to dimensions beyond my own comprehension
Worlds of what if and why not places where loved ones are never lost just locked away
Saved in an astral plane to be remembered any day I choose.
Emotions are evident through the rocks as they cycle through cliché colors
Red for rage, blue for despair, green for calm, and purple for passion.
Siren songs of yester everything echo through the wet walls
Sounding lamentation and celebrations of every degree
From overjoyed and apathetic to all the shades of agony.
Angels and demons manifest in varying degrees of desire.
Ego and id sipping slime from the pulsing membrane of the cave walls.
Red rocks thumping like an African drums beating to the rhythm of my heart.
For some their sacred secret place is a safe zone but my home is fraught with danger.
There is always ying and yang *** for tat.
Abstract things born to balances great happiness with deep sadness,
So I can appreciate the beauty and irony because security is an illusion and stability is for fools.
My secret place is fluid always adapting to me, a changing sea unencumbered by destiny.
Better than Wonderland worse than Neverland, and almost as sweet as OZ.
I won’t lose my head but I may lose my heart while flying far to slow to start.
All dreams and fantasies rise and fall from within these corridors.
Prison cells of DNA forms certain passageways flaring with neurotransmitters.
My secret place will fall one day receding into the dark shadows of collapsing stars
Be ****** up into the grand void of space and spit out a wasted mass of molecules.
No matter how hard I try to describe this, you will never really know my world.
As I will never live in yours, so I wonder what is your secret space like?