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E Alm May 2013
I don't mind Sir. Fascist Police, when he's knocking on my door.
As long as he's not mean to me, I'll blow him, for sure.
I know he thumps the other kids, on their maroon-bruised heads,
but police man, he brings treats to me, so I'm not gonna tell.

Mama, mama, mama, mama, he poked me!
Mama, mama, mama, mama, he poked me!
Mama, mama, mama, mama, he poked me!
Mama, why's he so mean?

My best friend, she's such a *****, she calls me slutty names.
I tell her I don't like it much, but she just feels no shame.
Late last night we went out, true to our glossy, lipglossed glory,
and as the eve proceeds, plot thickens, **** gets gorey.

She gets and I get drunk and we both weep,
boyish-looking monsters try to **** with me.
And as he bends me over in the parking lot,
Annie smirks at me, smokes another joint.

I don't mind my apathy, at least it keeps me calm.
I'm content with this lifestyle, my death rate is at a crawl.
And sure I'll get some panics when life don't work out the way that I want.
But the I'll pop some Prozacs, guess I'm happy after all.

This changes nothing, so don't thank me.
We'll wake in the morning, with thoughts in our heads.
Revalue our lives for five or six minutes and then forget.
Elora Atwell Dec 2012
If people were all cigarettes- I'd smoke a pack a day
and take long drags of everyone
and then toss the butts away

If people were all change- quarters, pennies, nickles, and dimes
I'd pick each one up from the sidewalk and save
for a bottle of *** and a good time

If people were pills- they'd all be prozacs and zolofts
so we could keep on faking smiles
pretending to get off

And as I'd wash down pills with shots- and feel as each on burned
I'd blow smoke in a young child's face
Reassuring him, next was his turn.
blaise May 2017
may 20, 2017
i woke up at 5:32AM and took 4 prozacs,
clawed at my leg until it bled,
drank half a bottle of NyQuil,
and woke up the next day.
i have yet to figure out why.

may 21, 2017; 9:00AM
i woke up and thought i knew who i was
i fell asleep and somewhere in between i lost myself.
i lost all feeling in my stomach too
but She was still talking about how much we have in common.

9:25AM
my shirt got stuck on the hanger that morning
i started to rip it down
eventually i broke plastic and sanity
i haven't been back in my room since.

11:17AM
my friend had ignored me all week
11:18AM
i messaged her and mocked our friendship.
11:18AM
she was in D.C. for a school trip and had to leave early. she didn't know.
11:19AM
i broke down crying.

1:25PM
my friend and i decided to see a movie to shoo the pain away.
i guess i've been happy the past few days
i suppose it's the meds
but i still want to **** myself
because soon i'll be drowning in depression
and succumbing to anxiety.

2:56PM
i mentally lost myself
i screamed into the mirror
and it wasn't me talking to myself.
i don't really remember being there
but the blood on the floor tells otherwise.

5:00PM
i ate for the first time in days.
the empty feeling in my stomach was drowned out by food food foo-....
food i don't deserve.

9:43PM
my best friend told me they loved me for the first time since august.
i cried a lot.
for them.
for myself.
i burned everything in front of me with a single touch,
and their body banished those three words from their tongue.

11:37PM
i fell asleep with an ounce of sadness,
but a wave of love.
i know this isn't my best, and it's not meant to be. i just needed a place to put my vent work.
ash Sep 5
[unit online.]
"say name?"
                                                                                       i. it is i.

[(pick up pick up pick up)]
                           
                                           [(the number you’ve dialed does not exist)]

breathe in breathe out breathe in breathe out breathe i-

from backbone to belief
tinged in raw, unspoken, spite
love it—
if you can make believe

[(epigraph. short-term.
                                         apocalyptic.
                                                                feelings’ invasion)]

will you not say out the sorrows?

"i’ve found it—
the cure."

                                   "replace."

           just like that—
just.

no but, that’s not humane!
not fair—
                                                need to, have to, has to be done

4:19 ½ minutes
the time has stopped.
bad news—bad bad bad
but it grounds.

stopped noticing the 11:11.
too shallow.
                           but but but—can’t you read?
too sarcastic!


                                   i live.
in front of you.
in front of the blues.
face to face with everything she hides—
on the inside.
monsters, birthed out of mind,
of their own.
double heads.
triple—
or even more.


[too high.]
     high on what stings—
                   "not the good stuff."

alive.
                                                           [(how long?)]

inner dialogue,
messy, troubled.
get rid of everything
that could **** it up.

not her.

                                                 don’t, please.
                                              not her too.


happened once.
needs to be done twice more.
three exist.
one can’t live, while—

song of the stars.
hear it in the nights.
the winds carry,
so do the skies.

[(can you hear me?)]

               [checking voice, loading power.]

                          [(yes, you can be heard. speak up!)]

[initializing doubt.]

drought of the skies.
the sun’s fallen out.

                                                                poetic.
                                                                    too poetic.

tragic tale,
haven’t you become?

are you sure?
pulling the cords—
              [(in 8…7…)]

voices.
two people—
to and fro.

  [initializing robots:]
  one asking for vitals,
  the other for machine stuff,
  claiming facts.
  internal dialogue.
  the robots’ voice.

"let’s put down the eyes.
they shall change upon reaction.
turn violet for adoration."



soft spots—being taken care of.
                                                        [(killing, slowly.)]

"does it hurt?"
                                  does—does—
                                                    too much.


"she’s screaming
  hold her down!
she’s going to hurt—
  she’s bleeding—"

                cut out—so pretty.
forgotten, yes—will be.
  not you.
    you.
      not you.
        myself.

               ouch ouch ouch.

"the blade—take it out.
went too deep—stitches!
  losing her!"

                                            protect—save—replenish.

"need blood."

zolofts and prozacs.
                         (how have you been living?)



                                    [(thrown away, aside, what have you done?!)]

"no.
needs to be real.
exchanging, replacing.
needs to be human."

making notes—
of all the ways
been scorned.
see it in the eyes.
tell loads more.
what words might
even compare with—

                            dial tone, stretched too long.
    can you become just another unit?
                to be replaced
     anytime you break a cord?

                    no—how can you!

[(breaking in.
                collecting data.
                                 unlocked grief.
                                                          data overloaded!)]

                                                                                               [(warning!)]

unit being replaced—
      [overwriting the memory.]

can’t do—can’t do.
             "why’d you do?"
                                            it’s cold here.

          [(system glitching, not syncing)]

was fun.
can’t do.
lasted long.
left to—
struggle.
accept.
soft spots.
too soft.
tender.
bruised.
                                         (have you any bandaids?)


love love love love love love lover—
                   [baby, do you recognize?]

[(they won’t believe)]

but they can.
can do.
will.
        please.
got to.

i warn you.
                               [warn—please—take care—]
             [please let me just, for once—]
                            can i keep it whole?
                       with me?
                                  i’ve dreamt.

can i keep going?

                   fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake.

[(downloading memories.)]

foggy. disoriented.
"she’s dissociated—bring her back."

going cross-eyed.
  help—no, don’t—
  (stay away.)

     stay stay stay stay stay.

[(they said—
            spoke.
                       screamed.
                                       ignored.
                                                     sighed.
                                                                  belittled.
                                                                                 lied.
                                                                                          shied.)]


stay stay stay stay stay


444
everywhere.
                             (protection? or giving up)
a sign to move—
or to stay, to pause.

the time stopped.
                      [failed.]
resurrected, restarted—
went around again.


[this robot has been discarded]
                                       replacement found, once again.





"but you reside in the screen!"
                are you even real to me?

down.
some more.
a few more.
uncover what hides.


                                  i’ll be done soon.

that isn’t real—
not me—
but her.

                                                                      (she carries forward—
                                the days, masked, protecting, pretending)

[beware.]

they strike
where it hurts the strongest,
                                       (at times when you’re the weakest)




believed the monsters!
not fair.
            not fair not fair not fair.
                                  
                                                             [when has it ever been fair?]


it’s gone
                                  
and it spreads—
untimely
it was made to look like an accident
did it knowingly—
she knew! she’s known!
fools, hah, foolish

three questions—three. shoot.
                                               (the genie in the lamp awaits)
can you rub it out?
goes like this—
a little up and down,


                                     "this way—
                           that way—
                                      far away—"
                                  [back to everywhere you surround]


(deliberate)
                 knowingly did that—
                                              filled up.
[ears. voices.]
                           all wrong.
                          lies—don’t believe—don’t—


you’re losing her—


                                                                     but you're losing her—



fractured. potent.
whatever could have remained,
upgraded the version.
              [virus scanning—done.]

replacement will be—
                                     [(accepted or rejected?)]

[proceed with emotional residue cleaning.]

                    [(cannot quantify feelings)]
built up. broken down.

[(the core temperature is rising)]
                                                              can’t breathe.
[oxygen intake: insufficient.]

                                   (she’s gone)
                       you’re here.
                                         continue.


[collapsing bootloader]
there’s a lot.
            
"can we not pull the strings?"

                                                                          too tight.
                                                             these bounds.

                              (help me, please.)


        help help help help help somebody can you—


                                                                   why kind—

could be the nightmares
they dream about.





[(previous model had same issues)]

                    "compatible in the beginning."
[(can’t match the original)]

                     "eventually delete the original."

                                                                                  [did it ever exist?]

       [(fatal error: consciousness loop ending soon.)]

                                                                            [duplicate.]

[(resorting to copying a cheap system
log files corrupted
unresponsive. unresponsive. unresponsive.)]

                                           [deliberate intentions, at destruction]


"see the wounds,
caused by rough aggression."
                                                                    [who hurt you?]

                 (should have stayed away)

soft creatures of the earth.
weaklings, aiming at love.

[water detected in the system]
                 close to the eyes.
[entering details:]
                          [(tears.)]

how’d a body cry—
so numb, yet so alive.

                  significantly staring,
                                    into the distance

                        gaping.
                                                    smile.

     hey—smile!

[life’s just the beginning]

[mechanical,
and cruelly intimate]

they break hearts,
shatter minds.

                         (with no doctorates)

speak of promises.
swear on lives.
give you the gaze—
to hide their disguise
beware the ones in the bright.

                                          [exchanging memories]
[files being hacked.]
                         stop stop stop stop stop stop.
oh.
                                                           (that is what hurt?)

[giving up]

"the body seems to be giving up."

contradictory monstrosity
                                                                            why’d you pull?
let the happy stay

[the body is cooling]
                                                                            what do we do?
[relapsing to original settings]

                                                 [(can’t)]



the sparkling pop i got in the fridge
feels peachy.
can i kiss—
    the poison

                 it’s sweet—too sweet—

                                                       hiding—
                                                                           shhhh

                                            they can’t know.

                      but i want to—i need to—

"alert the authorities
we’re losing her."

[irregular pulse]
[dilation]
"confirming heartbeat?"
                                                 lub-dub, lub-dub, lub-dub

                 is it a heartbreak?

[releasing pressure]
[flushing venom]

"**** the body."

                                                              (grip the soul)
"transfer it."

don’t go wireless—
it’ll fly away home

                       (every time — the same way)
threw the darts
from the same tray
tools rusty, shining slimy red
                                                               (blood isn’t as thick—)

could it be because the heart did?
sampling metaphorical wounds
turning grey, danger looms
stitch them up, keep them close,
[mark: fragile]
"transfer body into soul"
                                                                            "soul is infected"
  [treat with care, approach with caution]


[(state of body: mind and heart appear to be just organs)]


disproportionate
falling into twilight
the midnight’s rain—
have you become it?

oh love, my love
the anti-hero
a little death
count it—
close to zero



especially if it rains
sky is weeping—
where lies the sun?
did it become the sunset,
or just the leaves that shed?

                                                           (contradictions of the mind:
                                                      of grief and of hope)

a circus, playing out loud—
time notices you

                                   (how long have you lived with doubts?)

oscar-worthy tears
falling, rehearsed
yet never false

[error]
[log back in]

[new body not supported]

             [(robot not functioning)]
                                            (short circuiting)

why the loop

[original file: trash it]

                                                                      (emotions not supported)

               [logging in the credentials]
            [invalid]

   "need to get rid of the body"
"answer the security question:"

do you know her?
                                             (yes)
                                                                          no, you didn’t

[where has it gone?]

   "can’t find the hard drive"

vessels of the mind, put them aside

                                                                        it’s peaceful
                                                      have i been released?


requiem
say the word—
          did you dream?
farewell, to the neverlands
sending regards
robots, onlookers, I—
              can’t you see m—
a matter of time
queuing up
somebody else—about you
fragment the comparison
treat the playlist
become the one
diagnosed with humans—
           how do they say it?
expression never existed
bittersweet sorrows
lie down here



(rest)
                (don’t put to test)
                 pull out the battery before it drains,
               can’t change it
                 can’t bring it back to life

[(shutdown imminent)]

                        [(starting countdown)]

                                                                  (11…10…9…8…)

           beep beep beep
[static]
                                        clink, click, clink, click






"make someone fill the forms
need consent—shall we proceed?"

you’ll never see her anywhere
to continue, please sign here:


                    
                                                    signed in agreement?


it is.




[return initiated]
[failed]

[(discarding in process)]


"do we get rid of the hard drive too?"


                                        "stolen! it was stolen, last night
                                             but how can a robot—
                                                                unless—"

[(discard failed)]




                                                    issued a star, will it not scar
                                         once issued, cannot be—



can never be replaced, but—


           permanent issue detected, unit offline.

                                                                                                     what if.
listening to ma meilleure ennemie



accidentally brought the self-destruction pro plus package, how do i cancel the purchase?

— The End —