Find the lighter, use it as a lighthouse on a walk below the wall you watch along the wave-formations. Who Wants a Cold One? a Coors Light ad corrects.. When it comes to your home, the little things matter.. an insurance ad blares.. my computer is infected with 3rd party applications unremovable to my meagre tech-ability.. there is a hero as Joseph Campbell once theorized.. in myself like a sick bastardly virus waiting for moments to prove to me "I AM THE SAVIOR, I AM THE CHRIST, I AM THE WARLORD, MICE, MAN, AND VICE".. the windows of opportunity close, I am left waiting the door

& the elevator.

Thirty-thousand years ago, there was nothing but a breeze.. a viscous breeze across chill-spined pterodactyls.. warm-under-the-jungle-brush tyrannosaurus rex, and to think one day I will be just a legend in bone..
Charlotte said she thinks of death and so did Jen. They sat next to the all-you-can-eat and discussed the inevitable. I was sour and playful with no-will-to-understand, just reminding my hair of breezy summer days of 10, thinking of strangeness, of place I was in.

When it's quiet sometimes, I think of old dreams.. dreams I sunk below drown-level as a child in bed and belief. Both mommy and daddy were arguing in the kitchen, this was 7 or 8.. they argued so often one could hear mom begin to cry sometimes, and dad I could see in minds-eye with a grimace so closed and so creased he was hurt and yet honest.. I did not understand so I hid under-stood-silhouettes, oh adulthood..

once in dream I was in pulsing green graveyard like crayon realism strobe lights, tombstones all-round and faint-buzz of outside and one of those strange balded henchmen of badguy Jafar from Disney's Aladdin came peaking outta nowhere with curled eyebrow and baggy one-thousand-one Arabian nightlives parachute pants, curled toes brown-beige moccasins to.. he let out conniving 'HEUHEE!' and slapped me right-side cheek and I JOLTED up bedwise in real time to feel actual physical sting for a few lingered seconds then the sobs of poor mother outside.. I never remembered a dream so clearly again.. they all come, Pro-Found, and dizzy away after hour or two for rest of eternity or perhaps to Place I Can Visit at Death to Review Every Vision and I wonder... when your life flashes before your eyes and the light is encroaching, scenes of mother, brother, father, son, daughter, best-friend, party, break-up, heartbreak, slip-fall, first-sip, first-drag, last-leg, first-kiss, first-hit, first-game, fear, love,  HATE, wait.. do the Dreams come to? Are they all flesh-ed before your eyes as you pass into Light? Are they brought to direct remembrance as you cross the border with Passport of Gods and a Goddess (and which Picture appears on the Page)..?

I remember the old eczema taking bits of skin to carpets round-town and round-lower-mainland to disgust of friends old and new-- this was era where confidence ate itself in mirrors, the sober reality of ugly-ness chiseling away at my Goodness Attempts.. All That Pointless Pain was no Exception nor a Rule, it just **** Happens every once-and-again to the sound of life farting. I used to miss school for feet so impossible to walk on, pussing and bleeding and staining the sheets, shoe soles, carpets, and soul.. limp thru the hallways of Brooks Secondary feeling like bad flavor additive to multicultural Planet Earth-- sleeping 'til the bell rang drinking coffee singing songs I said '**** the ******* educational system and **** me I'm so flatlined..' someday I felt things would really get better and lucky young me I was right.

A half-decade later, I am 21 and hoping, floating, free in the breeze as the wings I have grown keep on wishing the subsistence down. The girl, whoever-she-might-as-well-be, sits immediately vertical chatting frantically to boy with a bit of a cowlick slouching on-up over a bundle of colored paperwork. It seems late in the season for homework, and assume they may have some affiliation with a crazy-hep computer design group in the tradition of Nouevau Silicon Valley.... I sit at my laptop, inching a word a million cubic millimeters closer to God or Divinity or Crescendo or A Bunch More ******* You'll End Up Ignoring---

It's a sunny day, the rain having slathered-off into obscurity somewhere with the Monsoons when the Sun gave the Moon a Soft Slap and the poor purity white-kid went off whimpering, bleeding nose-- I sat, the other night, playing another Grand Strategy game as Tom divided his time between a vaulted and damaged lover, his labor, and his life (friends, food, video-games, vice)... Chai, old Chai the Thai Guy mentioned past his nose in previous iterations of Depictions sat and described his pins-and-needles upset at his bosses at one his three many jobs.. desperately firing text-messages into receiving-space-panel and reflect and back unto Tom's smartphone dash asking him to order a six-pack from a local delivery service cuz his adrenal was giving him heartpain with hurt, and Tom being Busy as All-Ways Tom Is wasn't able to decipher the scramble in-time to make contact before closure of the liquor stores.. poor not-so-poor Chai at first felt castrated at realization he would miss the 11 PM dot-time, but didn't mind as he rendezvoused with Tom and I at Willows Beach where Tom reminded him of a whiskey he'd bought sitting counter-wise at his place.. we kissed a few Mary Janes rightsideup, dragging our butts in the sand to discuss what was wrong (each of us had a problem that night, save for perhaps a less-vocal Tom, I describing my annoyance that a lazy consensus had erupted in my sorry-hometown between my sorta-friends and friends-of-friends that my writing and sharing my writing was arrogant and I an arrogant *** for sharing and I just confounded that they would find my passions so trivial-- perhaps jealousy, perhaps complacency and judgement-for-lack-of-anything-better-to-do and ah **** em all if they think like that, I'll write and be the arrogant me they think I am and share 'til I'm blue in the face and dead perhaps for outspoken intellectualism in their autocratic pointless-waste worldviews.. sad that I dislike them only on the basis they disliked me first..)

I had planned to stay late and leave early-morn (5 or 6 AM) to catch a first-off morning bus back home and sleep, hoping for most part to avoid the shattered-***-mess of a home I was living in.
About 2 days ago, give or take, a water-line for the laundry machine had erupted to soak our entirely-carpeted basement suite, forcing the poor new landlord (a sweetheart of a man named Ron having just taken possession of the house from previous owner on May 1st and, it seems, left 'holding the bag' as they'd call it in day-trading-investment-lingo) to tear out the entirely-soaked carpet and replace it with sensible laminate flooring and rendering the entire suite virtually unlivable for indefinite-few-days and so for me work and friends and especially writing become a welcome reprieve to I, a first world Refu-Jeez.. us, so terribly-off I sip a latte near sunny panorama windows-so-clear-they're-not-there overlooking the crosses of Yates and Blanshard with European church of Gothic architectural style poking heedlessly into empty-open blue.. ironically and strangely there is a liquor store quite literally right next door, and's one I shop at often for its decent prices (God is Dead or Just Drinking to Cope with Sartre and Kierkegaard's Ultimate Thesis) (Kierkegaard especially '*** Kierkegaard seems a good and long friend of God the Almighty) (...I talk with such Judaeo-Christian Catholic rhetoric it never ceases to amaze myself as it bleeds to page..) (stranger thing is, tho, there is no beginning, no middle, no end.. you read or you are bored and either/or is just fine..)

There is some hypothesized crescendo-bliss Tech Singularity on the way in the try-dition of Ray Kurzweil and William Burroughs.. Oscar Wilde to.. (see The Soul of Man Under Socialism in essay-collect book De Profundis).. one day we will all be eternal happiness expressed in song and dance and LED erected-projections of Imperfect Universe (Our Imperfect Earth) with lives stuck on infinite repeat.. our idea of Paradise.. and for those with ability to remain rushed to cortisol (stress-the-best hormone) it will be Hell on Earth, so DRAB and THE SAME all the TIME and it's READ and it's WRITE and it's RIGHT.. the world runs faster with every passing day so desperate to discover the Globe is Flat so we can Hop Off the Other Side into what one might assume to be The Better Place.. elusively picking-up speed thinking 'closer now definitely closer now' unaware (or, secretly aware and unwilling to admit for what will one do when one cannot run?) they are Running in Circles Over and Over and Over and Over and Over Again... cannot take the hint in the fact the Pacific (same Pacific) has been crossed a hugeillion times, nor the same McDonald's in the Azores of Atlantic Portugal is the Same ******* McDonald's stopped-thru on the then-trillionth time last year... and all whilst the International Space Station remains muted up-above crossing 'round and 'round 'til the Jehovah'n Day of Judgement (Chris Hadfield now below with advice for how to run a little faster even blinded in one eye..) then there are the dying Prophets Predicting Industrial Collapse who preach upon the Mount of Internet Sinai Eternal and state "the world is now unsalvageable and we are all about to die.. if ever you wished to find Buddhistic Nirvanic Peace, now is the time so start meditating and imagine Death as New Life and Geopolitics as Game".. forever and ever and ever and ever.

It is only natural to find existence to be 'weird..' layered with Who's That's and giant What The ***** everywhichway you turn.. did it start in a Big Bang, will it end in a Big Crunch, Big Freeze, Big Bang.. ? all questions once ignored for certain ignorance and resurrected as questions concerning the Nature of the What The ***** (also known as 'Science').. and if it did start in a Big Bang, did I start in a Big Bang..? and if it does end in a Big Crunch, will I end in a Big Crunch..? am I a sudden flash of REAL in a Universe that isn't me..? or am I an entire Universe.. perhaps even more than that...? the questions pulse in youth like bad words or bullets. I once stayed up all-night thinking of infinity with my head soaring space-wise forever and ever and ever and I stopped in sudden panic thinking: I could lie here up all night and all day 'til the towered age of 37 (I was 14 at the time) and still be no further on the Universal Map than from thumb-tip-middle to thumb-nail so I wrapped up the attempt with a mix of fear and incredulity, went to school next-day exhausted and tried to explain it all to friends.. they got it, I suppose, but we were all 14 and played basketball instead (I imagined infinite-spinning-basketball on thumb of Michael Jordan).

It's always best describing life in form of Disembodied Poetics.. sure some Philistines won't understand '*** their minds are made of Clockwork, Digits, and Blockthought.. but the general psychic underly implied in all with human faculty will ring-a-ding-ding! and remember all such ancient thoughts and feels as forgotten as a child, locked away until the Spirit rose-up from a rosey thorn prickle to flower straight-up into a Rose! or so I hope as a one-of-many writers-- all of which will write so-as to speak on your behalf.. all floaty and marking a purpose.

Another night staring skyward where
          Every creaking shift fills the world
                    And the ink-black sky's toothless maw,
Shocks and aftershocks of sound
          Where a moment's discomfort swells
                    To a frenzied crescendo, incessant,
Pressing against skin from within
          Until a saint's patience would break
                    Like lips parting for a stifled sigh.
Midnight falters and fades to dawn,
          Surrenders to the unconquered sun
                    Who, grinning wide as the horizon,
Watches the twisting, turning world
          Tear away from night's dreamless womb
                    Sleepless, stumbling away in a daze.

There is a stubble field on which a black rain falls.
There is a tree which, brown, stands lonely here.
There is a hissing wind which haunts deserted huts---
How sad this evening.

Past the village pond
The gentle orphan still gathers scanty ears of corn.
Golden and round her eyes are gazing in the dusk
And her lap awaits the heavenly bridegroom.

Returning home
Shepherds found the sweet body
Decayed in the bramble bush.

A shade I am remote from sombre hamlets.
The silence of God
I drank from the woodland well.

On my forehead cold metal forms.
Spiders look for my heart.
There is a light that fails in my mouth.

At night I found myself upon a heath,
Thick with garbage and the dust of stars.
In the hazel copse
Crystal angels have sounded once more.

Oh, is it, then, Utopian
To hope that I may meet a man
Who'll not relate, in accents suave,
The tales of girls he used to have?

Oh why is heaven built so far,
Oh why is earth set so remote?
I cannot reach the nearest star
That hangs afloat.

I would not care to reach the moon,
One round monotonous of change;
Yet even she repeats her tune
Beyond my range.
I never watch the scatter'd fire
Of stars, or sun's far-trailing train,
But all my heart is one desire,
And all in vain:

For I am bound with fleshly bands,
Joy, beauty, lie beyond my scope;
I strain my heart, I stretch my hands,
And catch at hope.

Sister Teresa put down the pen. Eyes searched page. White and black. Scribbled words. Meaning there some where amongst the lines, she mused. Bell rang from bell tower. Echoed around cell. Closed her eyes. Held hands together. Sighed a prayer. Allowed the dark and peaceful to swim about her. Out of the depths, O Lord, she whispered. Opened eyes. Parted hands, rested on the table before her palms up, and read the signs. The last echo went out of the room. The whisper of it out of earshot.First-class now this age; first-rate her papa had thought; foremost her mama decided. Gone now Mama, she mused, lifting her body from the chair and walking to the window. Gone except memory. What the little child had seen she wanted to forget. Some memories are best buried. The sky was cold looking; the clouds shroud-like. Held hands beneath habit; clutched hands child-like. Mumbled prayer. Watched nuns move along cloister; watched the slowness; sensed the coldness of the air. If possible, Lord, she murmured, moving from window, walking towards the door. Paused. Looked back. Stared at crucifix on wall. The Crucified agonised, battered by age and time. Smiled. Nodded. Turned and opened the door and walked into the passageway. Closed the door with gentle click; hid hands beneath the cloth; lowered eyes to floor’s depth. Wandered down by wall’s side. Listened. Sighed. Sensed day’s hours; day’s passage and dark and light. Entered cloister and felt the chill wind bite and snap. Best part, Papa had said. Men are not to be trusted, said he many a time. Felt the cloister wall’s roughness with her right hand. Sensed the rough brick; sensed the tearing of the flesh on wall of brick; the nails of Christ. Mama had died her own crucifixion. The child closed the door having seen in the half-dark, she recalled, closing her eyes, feeling the chill wind on her cheek. Paused. Breathed deep. Saw sky’s pale splendour; saw light against cloister’s wall; saw in the half-light. Nun passed behind. Sister Helen, big of bone, cold of eyes, cool of spirit. Cried once; cried against night’s temper. Months on months moved on; days on days succeeded. Papa had said, the zenith of the passing years, my dear child, your mama’s love. How pain can crucify, she thought as she moved on and along the cloister, lifting eyes to church door. Nails hammered home to breast and ribs, she murmured as she entered the church. Fingers found stoup and tip ends touched cold water; blessed is He, she sighed. Eyes searched church. Scanned pew on pew; nun on nun. Sister Bede nodded; held hands close; lifted eyes that smiled. Where Jude had been buried, Papa had not said. Ten years passed; time almost circle-like, she mused, pacing slow down aisle to the choir stall. Sister Bede lowered her head; lowered her black habited body. Saw once as a child but closed the door. Poor Mama. Who is she that came and went? Long ago. Time on time. Papa had missed her; tears and tears; sobs in the mid of night. Mother Abbess knocked wood on wood. Silence. Closed eyes. Dark passages lead no where, Papa said. Chant began and echoed; rose up and down; lifted and lowered like a huge wave of loss and grief. Where are you? What grief is this? Night on night, her papa’s voice was heard; echoed her bedroom walls; her ears closed to it all except the sobs. De profundis. Out of the depths. Dark and death are similar to man and child. Opened eyes to page and Latin text. Bede and she, to what end? Death, dark, and Mama’s fears echoed through the rooms of the house; vibrated in the child’s ears; bit the child’s heart and head. This is the high point Jude had said; had kissed her once; had held her close and she felt and sensed. Men are not to be trusted. Breathed deep. For thine is the kingdom. And Papa’s words were black on white and pained her. Jude gone and buried; mama crucified; Sister Rose fled the walls; wed and wasted to night’s worst. Come, my Christ, she murmured through chant and prayer; come lift me from my depths; raise me up on the last day. Voice on voice; hand on heart; night on night. Jude had said be prepared for the next meeting, but dead now; Passchendaele claimed him. Voice on voice, Amen. Chill in bone and flesh. Breath eased out like knife from wound. Bede looked and smiled; hid the hands; bit the lip. Men are not to be trusted. Jude long gone. Nuns departed. Bede turned and went with her gentle nod. Paused. Sighed. Come, my Lord and raise me up, she mused, stepping back from stall and the tabernacle of Christ. Raise me up. Raise your lonely bride from death and dark.

I'm from hate and discontent,
from words so caustic that they burn after 35, 40, 45, 50 years.
I'm from nowhere and everywhere,
I'm from nine schools and fourteen houses.

I'm from "You'll make new friends,"
and "Quit crying, we didn't live there that long."
To the KFC Christmas and "They're too old for a tree anyway."

I'm from slammed doors, and curse words and silent treatments.
I'm from high expectations, icy glares, straight A's, and disappointment.
I'm from 800 miles of claustrophobic silence in the family car and 18 years with no vacations.

AND

I'm from lazy days at the family farm
and hard-*** work a few years later.
I'm from rides on the tractor with Grandpa,
and watching the illegal sabong... with the sheriff.

I'm from Uncle Martin and Mary Lou,
and the tiny apartment with the swimming pool.
I'm from the mean man in number 9 screaming at us to be quiet
and Uncle Martin telling him to, "Shut the Hell Up!"

I'm from David and Richard, my cousins, my brothers
I'm from poison oak adventures at the creek
and countless days at the beach

AND

I'm from Gentile and Jew,
From Asian and White,
From Catholic and ****.

I'm from St. Patrick's, the old church.
I'm from stained glass and wooden kneelers,
incense, and Latin Mass.
I'm from Ego te absolvo and Dominus Vobiscum

I'm from tradition and sanctity,
dignity and peace.

I'm from Hellfire and Brimstone
Screaming, Bible pounding preachermen who are slain in the Spirit,
babble in tongues, and exhort the congregation to be "Washed in the Blood of the Lamb".

AND

I'm from love and loss,
and love again

I'm from Lisa, and Donna, and Carole,
the girls who were far too pretty to have been my friends (but were)
I'm from Jaki who wrote me letters letters every two days
and sometimes more,
and Laurie
and Kelly.

I'm from Cardinal and Gold
from Conquest and Traveler,
from the dorm and the Row.

I'm from 90,000 screaming idiots,
I'm from Greek Week and road trips,
and long nights in the reference section.
I'm from typewriters, card catalogs, and white out.

AND

I'm from gritty men and terrible places.
I'm from peace, and war, and peace, and war again.
And peace - with war thundering in the distance.

I'm from the cold wet ground on cold wet nights,
and I'm from blisters upon blisters; blood and water.

I'm from the Blacksheep, the Alphabots, and the Ranger Creed.
I'm from the M-249, the 203, and the A-2.
I'm from Colt, not Beretta; that's the M-1911,
and I'm proudly from jungle fatigues and black berets.

AND

I'm from a fateful encounter on a random night
an order of pizza and beer that would change our lives
Days together and weeks apart
Time didn't matter
She'd captured my heart.

I'm from loyalty and faith,
Trust and honor.
I'm from a small ceremony,
nothing to big or too fancy,
and groomsmen carrying guns, pagers, and foreign passports.

I'm from odd jobs and uncertainty and graduate school
I'm from UPS and PKP, and Summa *** Laude,
MISD, WM, and the birth of Anthony.

I'm from safety patrol and tug-of-war,
Accelerated math, now Maria's born.

I'm from the Blonde Mafia, the Bumblebees,
the Shopping Girls, and the Ubermensch.
From 14, and F, and back to 14, and 15.
Principals Emerson, Anthony, Blix, and Mellish.

AND

I'm from the Middle School
and teaching only math until
I'm teaching math and tech until
I'm teaching math and tech and study skills until
I'm teaching tech and study skills and more tech until
I'm teaching tech and study skills and media and Spanish until
I'm teaching tech, tech, tech, media, and Spanish with
Principals Miller and Budzius and Lucas and Stone

I'm from the animé girls and the theater crew
From the gamers and poets and dreamers
From the introverts and hackers, autistic kids and slackers
I'm from the kids who don't fit anywhere....
Neatly

(To be continued)

I hunger,
For my youth.
For those lazy,
Hazy, crazy,
*****-filled days.
When my eyes
Feasted with devilment,
Instead of mockery,
Upon the young
School of nymphs
That swam up
And down the corridors
Like silver darlings
Of the sea

The wonderment
Puzzlement
Of the flesh.
Memories of
Soft bouncy buttocks,
Budding *******,
Licentious legs,
That tormented,
Teased, pleased
That frenzied, wild
Stirrings of my *****.
How i loved life then,
With it's silent promise
Of great things to come.

It is a wound that bleeds when any hand but that of love touches it, and even then must bleed again, though not in pain

Sonnet.

J'implore ta pitié, Toi, l'unique que j'aime,
Du fond du gouffre obscur où mon coeur est tombé.
C'est un univers morne à l'horizon plombé,
Où nagent dans la nuit l'horreur et le blasphème ;

Un soleil sans chaleur plane au-dessus six mois,
Et les six autres mois la nuit couvre la terre ;
C'est un pays plus nu que la terre polaire ;
- Ni bêtes, ni ruisseaux, ni verdure, ni bois !

Or il n'est pas d'horreur au monde qui surpasse
La froide cruauté de ce soleil de glace
Et cette immense nuit semblable au vieux Chaos ;

Je jalouse le sort des plus vils animaux
Qui peuvent se plonger dans un sommeil stupide.
Tant l'écheveau du temps lentement se dévide !

Out of the voices of the air
That fill the great world everwhere
        One moved in my ear;
If from without or from within,
I cannot tell, not did I win
         To note it's accents clear.
But this it sounded, with a sigh
         O'erweighed and broken down :
' The sun shines sadly in the sky,
For I am going, and I must die,
          And die without my crown.
The hope I trusted in, that still
I might be chosen by God's will
Some bible purpose to fulfil,
           Was sent but to bed lol.
What worthy offering to present
For all the golden talents lent,
For all the earnest striving spent ?
With empty hand I forth am sent,
           That should have been so full.
And what is left, when will is vain,
When every nerve is wild with pain,
And a dull fire is in the brain,
            The thoughts to overrule ?
They will not work, they wander on,
All power, but power of suffering, gone :---
And I have missed a greater one,
             And glory these above.
Youth's Angel has not come to me ;
I have not known the mystery
Of hand to hand, and heart to heart,
Of life that is not life apart :---
              I only know a love
That never looked from eye to eye,
That never sought or hoped reply,
That all in hopeless tears did lie
              Upon a lonely tomb.
No one will bless me when I die,
              Alone amid the gloom.'
And, weak and broken, many a word
Of deeper anguish yet was heard,
             That moaned and sailed away.
'Alas! alas! all help is vain ;
             Yet even---If there may
Be any into whom this strain
Is but the echo back again
Of their own helpless cry of pain !
             Listen once more, I pray !
O' dying heart, where's thou be,
It is a sister speaks to thee---
Sometimes the angels says to me
            Words solemn-sweet and calm ;
Upon the fever of my grief
Pouring a music of relief
             Like a mysterious psalm,
Till all my spirit sinks to rest :---
So thou too, howsoe'er distrest
             Or hopeless thou have been,
Take comfort in what comforts me :---
If he has not yet come to thee,
I know that someday thou shalt see
             That Angel I have seen.
Ok cannot tell thee of His face,
Not promise in what from or place
              He will be at the side.
But this I know---for I have known
All in the wilderness alone, ---
When thou art nearing to that home,
Behold the Bird of God shall come
             Over the waters wide,
To bear the olive to Thu soul,
And leave the from his aureole
             One day that shall abide ;
To tell these in that hour of need
There is a Christ for all,  indeed ;
He cometh soon, all hearts that bleed
             To bind up tenderly.
Soon shalt thou find that faith was true,
They will fulfilled in works shalt view,
And thou hast not strength to do
            Is not required if there.
Art thou too weak ? Dost thou complain
Of the long weariness of pain,
Of agony through nerve and brain,
            Darkly bewildering ?
The thorn was twisted round His brow,
Part of His love thou knowest now:
Enter into that hour if woe
Which I beheld, but cannot know---
            Thank God for suffering!
The depths before the open on :
Thou canst not know, till hope is gone,
How faith and love may live alone ;
Not till the mind is past control,
The grandeur of the inner soul
              In its own consciousness.
To feel, of life's last hope bereft,
Nothing is lost, for God is left---
              Yea, this is blessedness !'
Ah, yes, my God, my grief grows calm ;
What is there of despair or harm
              While Thou art still Thyself ?
In deepest he'll I get will trust,
And worship Thee, I Thou All-Just!
Leave me my love at least they must,
               Because it is myself.---
Words fail--- the tears are in my eyes,
Such sweet and solemn thoughts arise
Out of the West, when the Sun does,
              And from the silver sea
Of twilight, o'er the pallid gold,
Gloss Healer forth, as fair as old,
              In diamond royalty.
Be patient but till set of sun,
And whether life be lost or won,
The sweet clear night still cometh on,
             The stars upon her breast.
The shadows pass, the splendour come,
Consoled for evermore at home,
For Love is Lord of all, in whom
              We lose ourselves in rest.
¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥
I'm not sure who the Author is of this. I read it tonight in 1869  People's Magazine Family Reading British book. It touched my heart & stirred my memories. Thought my poet friends may enjoy.

Es preciso que tornes de la esfera sombría
con los flavos destellos de la Luna, que escapa,
cual la momia de un mundo, de la azul lejanía;
es preciso que tornes y te vuelvas mi guía
y me des un refugio, ¡por piedad!, en la Trapa.

Si lo mandas, ¡oh padre!, si tu regla lo ordena,
cavaré por mi mano mi sepulcro en el huerto,
Y al amparo infinito de la noche serena
vagaré por sus bordes como el ánima en pena,
mientras lloran los bronces con un toque de muerto...

La leyenda refiere que tu triste mirada
extinguía los duelos y las ansias secretas,
y yo guardo aquí dentro, como en urna cerrada,
desconsuelos muy hondos, mucha hiel concentrada,
y la fiera nostalgia que tocó a los poetas...

Viviré de silencio -el silencio es la plática
con Jesús, escribiste: tal mi plática sea-,
y mezclado a tus frailes, con su turba hierática
gemirá De profundis la voz seca y asmática
que fue verbo: ese verbo que subyuga y flamea.

Ven, abad incurable, gran asceta, yo quiero
anegar mis pupilas en las tuyas de acero,
aspirar el efluvio misterioso que escapa
de tus miembros exangües, de tu rostro severo,
y sufrir el contagio de la paz de tu Trapa.

I’ve tried to care for women
But only rejection in return

The quieter, geeky types like me
Get only hated, scorned, and spurned

The female human animal
Also filled with malice

True in suburbia
True inside the palace

Despite this deep despair
I reject misogyny

I just could not find the right one
To blend with one like me

I’m wounded, guilty, hurting
But still I wish her well

What will happen now
Ain’t no tongue can tell.

Vous vous êtes penché sur ma mélancolie,

Non comme un indiscret, non comme un curieux,

Et vous avez surpris la clef de ma folie,

Tel un consolateur attentif et pieux ;


Et vous avez ouvert doucement ma serrure,

Y mettant tout le temps, non ainsi qu'un voleur,

Mais ainsi que quelqu'un qui préserve et rassure

Un triste possesseur peut-être recéleur.


Soyez aimé d'un cœur plus veuf que toutes veuves,

Qui n'avait plus personne en qui pleurer vraiment,

Soyez béni d'une âme errant au bord des fleuves

Consolateurs si mal avec leur air dormant ;


Que soient suivis des pas d'un but à la dérive

Hier encor, vos pas eux-mêmes tristes, ô

Si tristes, mais que si bien tristes ! et que vive

Encore, alors ! mais par vous pour Dieu, ce roseau,


Cet oiseau, ce roseau sous cet oiseau, ce blême

Oiseau sur ce pâle roseau fleuri jadis,

Et pâle et sombre, spectre et sceptre noir : Moi-même !

Surrexit hodie, non plus : de profundis.


Fiat ! La défaillance a fini. Le courage

Revient. Sur votre bras permettez qu'appuyé

Je marche en la fraîcheur de l'expirant orage,

Moi-même comme qui dirait défoudroyé.


Là, je vais mieux. Tantôt le calme s'en va naître.

Il naît. Si vous voulez, allons à petits pas,

Devisant de la vie et d'un bonheur peut-être

Non, sans doute, impossible, en somme, n'est-ce pas ?


Oui, causons de bonheur, mais vous ? pourquoi si triste

Vous aussi ? Vous si jeune et si triste, ô pourquoi,

Dites ? Mais cela vous regarde, et si j'insiste

C'est uniquement pour vous plaire et non pour moi.


Discrétion sans borne, immense sympathie !

C'est l'heure précieuse, elle est unique, elle est

Angélique. Tantôt l'avez-vous pressentie ?

Avez-vous comme su - moi je l'ai - qu'il fallait


Peut-être bien, sans doute, et quoique, et puisque, en somme,

Éprouvant tant d'estime et combien de pitié,

Laisser monter en nous, fleur suprême de l'homme,

Franchement, largement, simplement, l'Amitié.

The day he walked in that door
was the day he was destined to die.
He lay his foot inside the door
and the other one concurrently came out.
He transposed his clothes
but they ceased to cover his body.
The scarlet coat was left hanging
in the closet with his soul.
Indicted with crimes
that he must not have been penalized for.
And bashed by society
with their spiteful words like arrows.
Met his lover
but was parted by the injudicious laws.
Left skint and lacerated
with the epithet of an outcast.
Alien tears fill for him
and outcasts pay their homages.
No statue of air was this man
yet hard labor was all he was given to build it out of stone.
His teacher later delineated him as a blot on their tutorship.
For he was but a tutor.
De Profundis
spoke of his anguished journey.
Victorian times
disagreed with his originality and frolic.
He told
platonic love was all he was guilty of.
Yet,
he was charged with crimes.
Drowned in cries of shame;
and incarcerated to rip him off his passion.
Something was dead in him,
and what was dead was hope.
Hope died first
and then gradually died the passion.
In exile,
his love for writing too deceased.
The daemon inside him
ceased to inspire.
God sent the lord of death
The lord of death
didn’t move around pompously like him.
But came announced,
for it had been accepted.
The wallpaper moaned
upon his untimely death.
For it desired to die
instead of the then mincing man.
He left the earthly plains
for the good have fewer days.
The good die young
as did the revered outcast.
Herodotus the father of history
unerringly expressed the good ones’ misery.
He repudiated to deny his soul
and lived nonchalantly.
He desired all the fruits of the world
so he lived.
Exile ruined him
and rent his ardor.
His meetings with his lover
were interdicted by his family.
He was pardoned
but a century too late.
Along with the outcasts
that lived in throbbing pain.
The outcast deceased when young
but lived indefinitely.
Infinite existence is promised
for the ***** was silver-tongued.
He died young
and roams the immortal planes.
Just like Alan Turing,
Bhagat Singh, JFK, and countless more.
God wanted them
for they wanted to augment their heavens.

thinking of Venice and Istanbul
   awake in the night, belly empty not full
                 ancientness, an Unamerican pull


                        de profundis!

Le chagrin qui me tue est ironique, et joint

Le sarcasme au supplice, et ne torture point

Franchement, mais picote avec un faux sourire

Et transforme en spectacle amusant mon martyre,

Et, sur la bière où gît mon rêve mi-pourri,

Beugle un De profundis sur l'air du Tradéri.

C'est un Tartufe qui, tout en mettant des roses

Pompons sur les autels des Madones moroses,

Tout en faisant chanter à des enfants de choeur

Ces cantiques d'eau tiède où se baigne le coeur,

Tout en amidonnant ces guimpes amoureuses

Qui serpentent au coeur sacré des Bienheureuses,

Tout en disant à voix basse son chapelet,

Tout en passant la main sur son petit collet,

Tout en parlant avec componction de l'âme,

N'en médite pas moins ma ruine, - l'infâme !