**** words fail what is it you want sick hearing about god get attached won’t let go close eyes imagine foreign exotic lands strange beautiful women tentatively open eyes hours later where am i what happened

chicago 1991 bartender Jerry dressed in black pants white shirt black bolero thinks Odysseus intelligent funny hooks him up with drinks Odysseus and Jerry banter libertine remarks “what’s up with you tonight Jerry?” “i wish my life had more balance i work too much i’m getting stressed serving drunks like you” Odysseus smashes cigarette into ashtray orange embers break up smoke smolders drifts Jerry empties ashtray Odysseus says “balance is a funny thing Jerry it’s not necessarily symmetric like yin yang symbol what if balance manifests in form of 9 parts darkness to 1 part light envision powerful bright beam shooting through nine degrees of night” Jerry replies “never thought about it that way you mean like yin-yin-yin-yin-yin-yin-yin-yin-yin-YANG!”  Odysseus laughs “exactly the question is is life just a big joke? what if the world is made up of nine parts evil and hatred to one part goodness and love?  what if the total equation is godless? does existence have a point other than amusement?” Jerry answers “don’t get philosophical on me Odys where is this going or do i already know?” Odysseus expounds “what is more captivating than a woman embarrassed? Jerry did you ever tease torture a woman with feathery touch tongue then finally give her pleasure” Jerry grins nods walks to other end of bar Odysseus drinks 10 or 12 double absolute vodkas on the rocks smokes pack of cigarettes scribbles on cocktail napkins Jerry serves listens Odysseus gestures hands spews out words “this is my church this is how i absolve my hurting let us drink to our own annihilation perhaps some good will come what more fun is there than to desecrate one’s self? to the last man standing” he toasts priding himself with strong constitution a female regular sitting at bar comments “sometimes you can be such a ***** what’s wrong with you Odys? you used to be so sweet you’ve changed you’re still in the game but you’re so cooked black on all the edges” he mumbles “hmmmm” walks home blind drunk led by his dog maybe that state of blind drunkenness is about Oedipus plucking out his eyes because he does not want to see truth

One push one step
All it takes till they're all weeping
Horrified by the morbidity of my depression
This is what you all did as you watched in amusement
As flesh turned to stitches
Stitches turned to masks worn daily
This is the consequences to what you think is funny
Laughing at the gay guy
Picking on the nerds
Wedgies and swirlys
After school beatings
Lame excuses for the reason their noses are bleeding
One bullet away
And it's your conscious getting locked up
Guilty...Guilty...Guilty
It's all your fault
Your to blame for the red walls
Once painted a baby blue like the sky
Where they all found comfort in the clouds
Now they're waiting patiently
To assist in dragging you to hell
My depression is that of everyone I've lost
To the unreasonable bullying
You pathetic ******* just don't see
The torment your behind the back laughter
In the face fists
Face to **** stained porcelain
Maybe you should taste what you prescribed
For every gay, ****, *****, nerd, underling you so pleased
Priding yourself with their tears
Not realizing it wasn't the only thing you caused to cry
A wrist, a thigh, a chest
Now I'm filling graves you dug
With the bodies of my beloved misfits

Oh what a wonderful phase
We are in right now, us five girlfriends,
With defunct love lives and no immediate hope
of securing a boyfriend.

Oh what freedom there is, in
branding ourselves "unaffordable platinums",
And priding ourselves at being too good for
those mortal, fallible, self-proclaimed "alpha" men.

Such hypocrites we are, actually,
Ridiculing and belittling that cute guy,
Still discussing his every move, nudging
and giggling at each other when he passes by.

But hey, call us hypocrites, evil, mean-
All of it we whole-heartedly accept.
Right now, we're living life in moments,
And our bucket list of madness, we mean to "check"-

Aimless flirting - check!
Pointless bedtime discussions - check!
Choosing a guy and then dissecting
His every habit - check,
His dressing style- check,
His twinkling eyes- check,
That had met ours today over lunch break- YES! Check!,
His last aloof message- check,
Sending an even more curt response- check,
Our hidden hopes that he would reply,
With affectionate words and also apologize,
For all the times he wasn't all that nice- wistful check.

Oh we're a bundle of emotions, us five,
Sans pressures and restrictions that a guy brings along,
Sans complexities and compulsions that come free
With his supplies of testosterone.

So, broadcasting this to all you gentlemen out there,
If you ever venture into our line of sight,
Prepare to be scrutinised, evaluated, and then rejected outright,
By this precious, exuberant pack of platinum five.

I'm tired of you
Spittin back the words that I've spoken
Cuz you walk around
Priding yourself
On the fact that you're broken

You claim:
“I was ****** by society”
So you go and start rioting
Like the world is your enemy
But that **** is all hypocrisy
So honestly
Don't try to be
Someone who causes me anxiety

                    But still.  

You flaunt around
And try to tell me what I'm worth
While simultaneously
You argue that you were ****** up at birth
Like your stupid mistakes
Are supposed to cause me heartbreak
But I've run out of sympathy
For your idiocy
Cuz all it really does now
Is drive me ******* crazy
Your honorable moments
Beginning to seem hazy

                        You need help.

It's hard to remember a moment
When you weren't
Whining
Crying
Or saying that you wished you were dying
While I'm sitting here
Trying
To see if you're really suicidal
Or if you're constantly lying

                   You need to stop.

Slow down
Cuz *******
I won't be around
To catch you when you fall again
Though, there was a time
When I was your friend
But my times have changed
When you started acting deranged
Expecting me not to turn on you
After all the **** you put me through

                     I can't do it any longer.

So ask me
“Do you love me anymore?”
And I'd pause for a sec.
Like I wasn't sure
But the truth is
Since the day you put us toe to toe
My honest answer
Would have to be
No.

She gave her heart to him
as he held her head under water, and when he entangled his hands in her curls
or when his words cut like the blade she used oh, so long ago
Her only response we're the bubbles of air that followed her silence..

her legs buckled like splintering twigs as he touched her,
she was really shaking and scared but he didn't care
and all those nights she spent crying;
come morning
her lips still formed poems of devotion and his arms still said she was safe.
and while he was
Too busy priding himself in all the nights he took her to bed
to even notice..
I saw her slowly dying
half a word away,
and I could only listen to the sound of her
bones breaking
as she said
"i love you"
one last time.

A never ending battle
Between two foes
Both undefeatable
Both bigger than any other
Both capable of immense damage
Over the mind I call my own

Two foes
Fighting for the right
To destroy me
An endless tug-of-war game
The prize being the end of me

One takes the title of anxiety
But is known in many different forms
Vowing to cut me off from the world
By filling me with fear and worry
Hoping only to drive me to insanity

The other titled depression
Priding itself on killing my hopes
Vowing to cut me off from myself
By making me feel worthless
Hoping to drive me to self-hate

Crying, begging with both
To just make some compromise
A deal with two devils
In hopes of lessening their pain
Neither will have mercy
Neither will make a truce
Neither will defeat each other
Nor will they be defeated by any other

Little do they know
By clawing, scratching
At each other to get in my head
They destroy me in the process
Symbiotically they unnerve me
Together they annihilate me
They simply don’t realize
How well they work together
How well they bring me to an end

i only had one grandma.
i had people of no relation who snaked their way into my heart and then abandoned me when things got too tough.
i had one who sent me 2 holiday cards and never spoke to me because she could care less for my mother.
and then i had her.
the woman with the beehive hair and the list of men who adored her.
the smoker.
the charmer.
the maker of the best baby blankets and christmas wreaths.
i had someone who woke me up with a hug and kiss and itsy bitsy spider on the tv.
with a cup of coffee in her hand and two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the counter, one for each of us.
i had a woman who was a terrible mother but saw nothing but beauty in me and knew that i was her ticket to forgiveness.
i had a woman who empowered me and made me feel beautiful.
from the baby pictures of me in her bathroom to the way her beautiful green eyes that she gave to me looked at me with such love and adoration.
i had a woman who spoiled me.
who wanted me to have everything, not so i could act privileged, but cultured.
i had someone who felt empty inside.
who abandoned her daughter.
who did drugs and smoked until her lungs gave up on her.
i had no more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
no more macaroni art.
i had no grandma.
and maybe that’s when i started to lose my innocence.
when i realized that the woman i idolized was ripped away due to selfishness and irresponsibility.
that the nights my mother would cry herself to sleep because my father wouldn’t ever stop yelling grandma wasn’t just one call away.
there was no protection.
and while i’ve forgotten her beautiful voice i can still hear screaming and crying.
i can still hear the moment of silence and the sad man playing the keys to the tune of amazing grace.
i can still hear my father silently priding himself because he knew that he had officially isolated my mother and i from all we had ever known.
and after that, doors were closed and locked.
there were more holes in the walls and bruises and welts.
the vacations were excessive because my mother dreaded being in the home she had once drafted and created for her family.
the white picket fence was torn down.
the dog was buried in the purple flowers.
and i saw the woman i call “mom” crumble to nothingness.
and my father rise from my nonexistent grandmas ashes.

Despite priding myself on my words
you have me at a loss of them;

but I know when I find them
I will write books about you.

Ask me what's going on
and I think,
then I'll tell you

they're not building a bomb
we
are the bomb
that is what's going on.

unlit but fused
and we're going to be used.

This is the minefield from which we cannot escape
this is today and tomorrow won't wait.

It wasn't always like this
even in the dark ages when
they illuminated pages
manuscripts
but
that's been stripped away
all we have today
is
the gnawing sensation
that a great conflagration
is due.

The rapture will come
not with a heavenly choir
but with explosions from
the barrel of a gun.


Complain?


Tell me to whom?

Boom
another gun blast

you'd better believe it
the clocks running on
fast

overdrive.

Survive?

you might do
but you won't find an Eve
believe me.


I've written a will

there'll be no one to leave
my earthly possessions to,
still,
it's one of the things that we do.





Guess I'm through sermonising
priding myself
that it wasn't me prising
the lid off
Pandora's box.

....but they didn't believe
life was chancy and contingent
lofty words they displayed
priding in being intelligent

'all would be well, worry not
life is a rosy garden'
cruel storms came to lash
soon enough after such words were spoken-

the realist does take cognisance
nothing is ever permanent
all things are in ceaseless flux
beyond the brightest minds' discernment-

vulerable and brittle is our human condition
our joys, our hopes, our dreams are all transient
there's healing only in our love and devotion
amidst the dreadfulness and fragility so apparent.