So I hid it
Took it like a written confession and
swallowed it
Decades of genders, females and
males screaming, as I melted down
the word on my tongue they had fought to keep,
that they had killed for and won.
As I joined a flock of sheep who wouldn't
accept a goat
Who didn't want to listen when I wrote down
that I believed in the allegedly frown-worthy
opinion that equality should exist.
That it should be taught right from the yolk
of existence.
That it's regulation requires persistence.

They told me that prejudice was a myth
Ironic, they also told me I shouldn't exist
Told me I was lesbian, like it was an
insult, when I decided to stage a revolt and
mark the popular girl in netball
and win.
self high five
Oh dear, what a schoolgirl sin to
perpetrate.
I was taught to take hate by the masses who
yelled that
the classes of acceptance
were unnecessary

Popular girl: small correction, although
I cannot say you personally give me
a feminine *******, I'm bisexual, get it right.
Also examine the fact that you thought I'd only fight
because I wanted you.
When in fact I both loathe and pity you, you
do not understand your worth, and you don't
give proper respect to the earth of your
elders.
Who have handed down shoulder to shoulder
something different from the everyday pain.
They've handed down the hope that their strivings
were not vain, and one day this war will
cease.

The smoke of a pen, not
a gun, calling
peace.

So, I am a feminist and I call for release.

We meet by the lockers
at break
I'm still amazed
that this school
has Cheerleaders
that basketball
not rounders & netball
is the sport played
that we study
the Cold War
' Of Mice & Men'
& the War in Vietnam
that we have 'Hitzenfrei' days
that our German teacher
always forgives our mistakes
that boys & girls
hang out together
that we put on musicals
I've never heard of
That we celebrate the fall of the Wall
that we take school trips
to Concentration Camps
that there's no uniform
that the teachers
rarely explain anything
that the word ' rubber'
doesn't mean ' eraser'
here but something else
that there are stereotypes
like 'nerd' & ' prom queen'
that we welcome grafitti
that we believe in Love
above any kind of Study
that we have the freedom
to pick & choose our failiures
without being sent
to the Principal's office
that we read Kerouac
Carl Sandburg & Ginsberg
that nearly everyone
has lived in at least
two or three
different countries
that we rarely fight
that my crush
plays trumpet
in a ska band
that we go
to the nearby Lakes
on weekends
& the English language cinema
on Tuesdays
that we celebrate Halloween
bit by bit I nearly forget
my All Girls school days
in soggy Britain
where I had no friends
where we sang hymns
every single morning
where we didn't practice
the Love we preached
where our future
was crumbling old Oxbridge
where we had a coat of arms
where we had houses
named after the merchant ships
of our Founder  from the 1600ds
where we didn't dream
of becoming Presidents
or Astronauts but Academics
forever lost in musty books
the flower of our youth, wasted


Hitzenfrei days were days in summer when we were let off school because it was too hot.
Wall - Berlin Wall

EDNA: Hello there, Dan my dear, please take a seat, but before you sit down, just let me put a plastic sheet over the chair.

DAN: Thank you so much, Mrs Sweetlove.

EDNA: Now, Dan, please tell me why you are known far and wide as Dan, Dan, the ***** Old Man. How did you come to acquire such a salubrious soubriquet? Don't spare us any of the more sordid details. My readers are all agog.

DAN: Well, there are three aspects to my dirtiness. Firstly, my sanitary arrangements and personal hygiene. How can I put this delicately? [scratches head in puzzlement and several lice are dislodged, much to Edna's distaste. She squirts them with super-strength LICEOKILL.] To be blunt, Edna, I don't wash much and I very seldom change my clothes. This means I smell quite strongly. And, as you will observe, my skin is quite grimy and unpleasant to behold; the boils and sores are not attractive to many people.

EDNA: Fortunately I am afflicted with a rather bad head cold at the moment, so I can't really whiff you too strongly. However, I can see your skin is disgusting and your clothes are a total disgrace. Tell me, is there any particular reason why you are so careless of your hygienic duties?

DAN: Well, I see it as a vicious circle. If I were to take a bath or a shower, I would only get ***** again quite soon. And anyway, getting dressed again in my old clothes means any olfactory benefit would be negated. Again, if I were to put on some clean clothes, they would only be rendered odorous by my unwashed body. And defecation and urination tend to get your lower parts ***** two or three times a day anyway, even if you wipe thoroughly which I don't. So what's the point, unless you want to waste all your life on synchronising cleansing activities? Also, between you and me, I quite enjoy the stench of my own unclean body. And it has several benefits: I always get a row of seats to myself at the cinema and I normally have no problem with queues when I go shopping: people tend to give way to me as a mark of respect.

EDNA: And the second aspect of your dirtiness?

DAN: May I talk to you freely about ***, Mrs Sweetlove?

EDNA: Oh yes, be frank! [nods eagerly] Be frank!

DAN: Well, let's put it like this: I am not very particular when it comes to ***. I can honestly say I have never ever turned down a ****** approach of any sort. I am, of course, bisexual and when I feel like a bit of impersonal *******, I nip down to the public lavatory in the park and have some there. What I normally do is wait by the ****** and whip out my grimy, stinking **** and flash it whenever someone comes in. I don't care who it is. What does it matter? Most people run away in horror, a few attack me and shove my face down a pan, but one or two let me **** them.

EDNA: What sort of people would that be, dear?

DAN: Usually tramps, the short-sighted, people with no sense of smell, degenerates, psychos, masochists, you know. A reasonably varied selection. Buggers can't be choosers. Who cares anyway? I've been arrested by the cops a few times, but they don't like to put me in their nice clean police car, so they usually let me go with a bit of a thumping. Which I quite like anyway, although it's cost me several teeth [shows hideous maw of rotting stumps].

EDNA: And how about when you feel like a little bit of the old hetero rumpy-pumpy action, Dan, my love?

DAN: To be honest, I don't get much rumpy-pumpy, even though that's probably what I'm most famous for. Speaking candidly, not many women fancy anyone as filthy as I am, even lady tramps have to draw the line somewhere. So I tend to have to be a bit pushy when I feel like a bit of female company. What I usually do is lurk around girls' schools, ladies' gyms, ballet dancing classes, hockey grounds, netball pitches, the park where the young mums push their babies' buggies, anywhere really where you get women and girls in reasonable numbers. When I see someone I fancy, which is anything female between sixteen and the grave, I just drop my pants and show them what I've got down there. They scream a bit but I can usually get a quick one off the wrist before they've run too far. I've been arrested a few times for that too, but it's a hazard of the game of love, I feel.

EDNA: [gulps excitedly] I think you mentioned three reasons why you are known as a ***** Old Man par excellence......

DAN: Yes, well the third one is a bit more personal. You see, I have a very sensitive stomach and I often get very bad indigestion, which means I **** and burp a lot. And I frequently ***** too, as you can see from the state of my trousers - this is probably a reflection of the fact that my kitchen is crawling with rodents and insects large and small. And did I mention this last bit? I really like eating my own snot in public [voids nostrils onto grimy paw and gobbles product thereof].

EDNA: I'd like to thank you, Dan, for sharing your opinions, emotions and ambitions with me and my readers here today [switches off tape recorder]. You truly are an unusually repellent *******. Get out of my lovely house.

*[END OF INTERVIEW]

I grew up around men
I grew up wanting to be one of them
That in their love and admiration
I'd find affirmation
I grew up with big brothers and cousins
Who's approval I'd seek
Don't think "just cause I'm a girl"
that I'm weak
I'll climb that tree with you
I'll go one branch higher
Whilst you try to put me down

I remember being left out whilst
The boys were on adventures
Because I was "little"
But really cause I was a "girl"
Why can't I go and play football?
Go fish in the crab pool?
Be split into gender roles in p.e in school?
I don't even have ****!
I'm terrible at gymnastics
I hate netball
Forcing me to stand still
Whilst the Guys can dribble their way forward to success playing basketball.
Equal rights?
You must think I'm a fool.

I grew up with a resentment towards girls
I grew up disliking myself
Having to be the smartest and wittiest
The kindest and prettiest
When my brother said
you have "queen bee syndrome"
It hit home
Cause I grew up with a love for women
The comfort they bring
But a dislike that I felt reliant on them
Often the ones that would listen
It's tiring to constantly feel like
you're in competition
That for me their strength
seems to threaten
When really it should be inspiration...

So I grow now with a vision
That equality will be achieved
Bit by bit and I'll start with me,
My own mentality
And I don't believe
That put downs are necessary
No hate, no proclamations
Of unshifting patriarchy
This will be done.
If I ever have children
They will each get every opportunity
To be what it is they want to be
I will see to that personally
Cause all these boundaries
just deny possibility
Just think of the world it could be
Cause what lies between your legs
Does NOT determine ability

She is a girl

She has two sisters, a dog
And a pair of worn-out headphones in her pocket

She is fifteen

She plays violin in the school orchestra
And sings duets in the sun

She is left-handed

She’s also pansexual
(Just thought you should know)

<><><>

She is a girl
(A different girl, mind you)

She has bright hair and dark eyes
And a sky of freckles spanning her body

She is a netball player

She listens to everything that’s said
And laughs at everything in response

She is an Aquarius

Her girlfriend is an Virgo
(Is this what they call diversity?)

<><><>

He is a boy

He is on the males’ baseball team
And recites prophetical speeches in the dugout

He is an early riser

He likes old-fashioned comedy movies
And his favourite colour is either orange or black

He is graduating next year

He’ll finally get to ask his school’s star pitcher to prom
(Finally is the right word)

<><><>

‘She’ is a boy
(A different boy, mind you)

‘She’ lives in the countryside
And travels 2 hours to campus each morning

‘She’ is a realist

‘She’ studies human relations
And has wanted to visit Rome since 'she' was eight

‘She’ is a part-time barista

‘She’ prefers the pronoun ‘he’
(No big deal if you forget though)

<><><>

They are people

They have people they love
And people who love them

They are people

They may have changed to you
And yet they haven’t changed to themselves

They are people
They are still people

<><><>

(Just thought you should know)

<><><>

I put a deposit down on a house.
Great, whereabouts.
Mars.
Is that the name of the new estate we passed yesterday, when can we move in.
Eight or ten years.
What, who the hell’s building it, the seven dwarfs.
It’s on the planet Mars.
You bought a house on planet Mars, did you put a deposit down.
Yeah, ten thousand pounds.
My mother was right about you, twenty four carat *****, did you buy the Tower of london as well, maybe the Statue of liberty as an ornament.
Don’t be silly.
You’re calling me silly, I’ll be a laughing stock when my friends find out about this. I can hear them now, that’s Sally, her husband bought her a house on Mars. I should have married Geoffrey, he lives in a big house, and he’s sane.
He’s also gay.
I don’t care, I would have straightened him.
You really can be melodramatic at times.
Melodramatic, that’s it, you’re so dumped.
Right then, I’m going.
Great, if you hurry you’ll catch the 65 doing the planets run.
Phone rings, It’s mummy.
Hi honey how you doing.
Terrible mum, I’ve just thrown Paul out.
You should have done it years ago, the boys a *****.
I know, I’ll not tell you what he did.
Knowing him, it’ll be something spectacular, have you seen the news.
No I’m depressed enough.
You wouldn’t believe this, that estate agent up the high st was selling plots of land on Mars, they were going like hot cakes, they sold out in minutes.
That's why I threw him out mum, the idiot bought one.


The House Part 2

Oh darling, get him back, they tripled in price after ten minutes, they were saying they could be worth a million pounds in ten years time.
What, are you sure.
Yes, check the news.
Phone call to you know who.
Hi Paul where are you, sorry about throwing a wobbler, you sort of caught me on the hop.
Geoffrey’s putting me up.
What, did anybody see you going in.
Why.
You know why.
I don’t know why.
Never mind, when are you coming home.
Don’t know, Geoffrey says I can stay as long as I want.
Just say the word bike shed to Geoffrey.
Okay, Right he’s went a strange colour, think I’m coming home now.
Home.
Listen Paul I was thinking, wouldn’t it be great to start a family on Mars, or even keep it as an investment.
No, I've been thinking too, and you were right, it was a dumb idea, I sold it back to the estate agent.
What, how much for.
The same, ten thousand.
My mother was wrong about you, you’re a forty eight carat *****, do you know how much they plots are worth.
So it was just about the money.
Yes, you done one right thing in your life, then you undone it.
It’s only money Sally, we just put the deposit down on that new estate.
You put the money down yourself, I’ve decided to redump you.
Wow, I’ve never been redumped before.
Get used to it loser.
Next day - Phone call from the estate agent, Sally answers.
Just a message for Paul, that’s the gold taps installed, when would he like to see them.
What do you mean gold taps, he only put down a deposit.
No, he bought the house outright, three hundred thousand pounds.
Phone call to you know who.
Paul, Paul, I love you.
You are speaking to the answer machine of Paul, please leave a message after the splash of the Jacuzzi, though I may not hear you over the noise of the ladies netball team.

Run, they said to me
I have always been told that life is like a race and in my young mind I believed it was a race against everyone around me, but as I grow up and mature slowly into the person I am meant to be, I realise the only person I am running against is myself and the one person really routing for me to win is my heavenly father ( God ).
I also think we run in different places, because we face different challenges and we are given different blessings or should I say gifts. Some may run  on a track field and others may run on a road full of potholes, but I would like to believe I run around the netball court and I have reasons for that, first being the fact that I set goals and when I reach them I set more, I guess you could say I don't believe in finish lines... there's always place for improvement and secondly I believe in life after death and after this life of flesh I believe I'll be an angel in heaven that just keeps on running.

Run, I say to myself
RUN!

I started school in nineteen hundred and typing error. But we were so poor growing up we had to share clothes, so I could only go to school every other day on account of being a twin. PE was a little embarrassing as I had a twin sister. It wasn't so much playing rugby in a netball skirt, no – my problem was trying to iron the pleats back in afterwards.

At 6 years old I was cast in my infant schools nativity play as 3rd reserve palm tree, in a play with no palm trees in it. When I complained to the teacher she told me to stop moaning and remember what jesus taught us.
“Can I be that?” I asked
“What?” she said
“You said jesus had a tortoise, can I be the tortoise?”

At 14 years old I was given a major role in my upper schools annual PTA play. We were doing Romeo and Juliet and I was cast as – the balcony. However on the night of the performance, unlike in rehearsals, the girl playing Juliet wore stiletto heels. So when she stepped onto the balcony (me) it yelped and rolled over. She went base over apex knocking over Romeo and landed spread-eagled on the floor that revealed her underwear to the whole audience. I am sure I speak for every parent, teacher and pupil in that hall when I say that I can never look at My Little Pony in the same way ever again. She never spoke to me again – like it was my fault!

(Oct 2020)

The world is round and I can't speak
I've never been good at handling round things.

Let me school you about netball
My body never knew how to stop midmotion.
I knew to jump for my wild goals and dreams.
But never how to stop right in the nick of time
To not intimidate this man next to this quiet girl.

Tried Volleyball.Faithfully
A whole year
I never got it right,clench your fists to hit hard,open your palms for a low hit.
I was always too eager or too hesitant to take my shot
Smooth operation a grace I hope life will grant someday

You'd think basketball would be my fit
A weird girl but gutsy too
A day in and I quit
I couldn't be tricky
One look into my basket eyes and you're in my world

The world's still round
And I don't speak
Words move full circle and catch up with you
I'd rather keep them chasing...

Cities are *****, grimy places
Full of people with interesting faces.

There's dark hair, blonde hair, red hair, white hair and grey ;  imagine all the colours of a rainbow and then add a few.

There's fair skin, dark skin, olive skin and mellow tones too.

There's small eyes, wide eyes, blue eyes, green eyes, grey eyes and brown; some have 20:20 vision, some hide behind glasses, some wear contact lenses to enhance their sight, some have a world of darkness behind their eyes.

There's large noses, small noses, wide noses, button noses, some hold glasses upon their face, some are cumbersome, some full of grace.

There's clear skin, wrinkled skin, acne skin, damaged skin, translucent skin, soft skin, dry skin, sunkissed skin, sunburnt skin.

There's big ears, small ears, pierced ears, cauliflower ears, ears with rings in to make them wide; some people wear hearing aids to enhance what they hear, some live in total silence.

Some people are tall, some are short, some are able to walk, some need assistance every day to be able to walk even a small way.

There are cyclists and runners on every street, roller skaters, walkers your most likely to meet; add in football, cricket and rugby players too, basketball, rounders, netball, tennis and golf, squash, badminton, swimming and diving, there's such diversity in all that we do.

Libraries and Museums open their doors, sshh be quiet, though it's free to explore.

Shops, coffee shops, hairdressers a plenty, though some of the bigger spaces remain empty; cost of rent is exceedingly high and don't even think about the option to buy.

There's leisure parks to walk and have fun with your dogs, parks with swings and roundabouts for your children who are  young.

Some Cities have rivers, some have canals built to let barges through.

Some Cities have harbours, marinas too, look over the Ocean at a sea that's blue.

All Cities have Universities to provide education to those from home or from far and wide.

Spoilt for choice of courses to attend there's professions of course, doctors, dentists, lawyers and nurses, accountants and vets. There's media, dance, English language and literature, geography, history and maths. There's IT, cookery and drama and how to handle a camera. There's business and entertainment, wedding planning and Latin. Any subject of your choice can be found somewhere around.

You can find comedy clubs, poetry readings, chess clubs, scout clubs, lego groups, cookery classes, sewing classes, reading groups, right outside your door, if you took the chance to look around your neighbourhood and the  time to explore.

Don't write off the City though it may look ***** and grimy in places, it is as you can see, full of interesting people and places.

When I think of days gone by
I never quite remember
The nights spent fast asleep
The youthful dreams of both thrill and terror
My remembrance is of an awakening
Playing basketball and dreaming of a league
The name of which I did not full understand
Because I thought NBA was a dictionary word
That had its roots in people before us
It was noun, verb, adjective, and adverb in one flick of the tongue.
Noun as in NBA
Verb as in to NBA
Adjective as in NBA player
Adverb as in NBA likes
See I was paying attention in English class after all.

Other’s thoughts of drinking from hoses did not appeal
Because the high rise was my portion.
The water fountain would suffice for me.
Running races and coming in last
So I would race against the shadows hoping first would be my turn.
Drinking juices that seemed to be lab experiments
Which had different recipes of water, food coloring and sugar.
They said it would make us hyper
I would have to agree
Because after a morning stuck inside in class
I could not wait to go outside.
They called it recess
But I did not get why playing had to have a name.
Because I just called it ball.

Later when I played sports in school
And my age was double-figured
I still did not understand why playing had to be organized.
I still called it ball
Sometimes we would put a broken crate over a tree
And shoot the basketball into it.
Then stare with blank faces at parents
When they told us they played netball in our native land.
Over here it is just ball, mom.
Where I was we used to play 50.
So imagine my surprise when I tried out
And realized they did not count a basket as 5 points
I did protest, vigorously
Saying this is my chance, Coach.
For every shot I make to be kindergarten aged.
Because the rest of the other kids have more threes in their nature
Then a class full of preschoolers going to the Bronx zoo.
So their class outnumbers my class.
My coach did not get my point.
I did not get the point, either.
Because it was hard for me to make foul shots like them too.
My coach murmured to me, They just have more class, period.

Eventually the nights leave
And the day goes by.
My fantasy has come true.
Sort of.
I am on a NBA basketball court.
About to make a free throw.
But this is not a game.
They told me it was complimentary with the ticket.
Did not matter what happened.
Or how I got this opportunity.
I said to myself, This is not a game.
That was why I practiced this morning.
So I shot the ball
And hit my cap when I shot
I feared I would miss.
I knew I should have taken it off.
But I was relieved when it went in.
What it proved was not as important as what I did.

More nights go on trips not to be seen again.
And more days walk by
They become the memories of a photo album
And the times I start talking about by saying
When I comb back black hair
When I brush the grey
Even if I touch a head unburdened by hair strands
Because the divine no longer needs to number them
I will tell my children
I will speak of it to my grandchildren through the haze of age.
I knew a simpler time
My youth was good.

He was the first to score a hatrick on the newest astroturf pitch
He was the first on his new BMX to jump that ***** ditch
He  was the first to kiss the best looking girl in the school
He was the first that all kids thought he was cool

She was the first to have the Rainbow Collection of My Little Pony
She was the first to lend me her toys as mine were all phoney
She was the first to be picked for the school netball team
She was the first to date the boy on the bike we all thought was a dream

Looking back they deserved each other as they were the first to be divorced
A love so pictured, so fragile, it was almost movie scored
So no to be the first to everything in sight
I'm happy in my own little world just taking my own flight

From first to last, nothing will be remembered in the past

JJB