"Notice me Senpai"

Something that started as a joke
But now it's just fact
But if you try to tell me that
You were just kidding
I will take my bidding
I'm the winner of the prize
Oh yes I am
Wisemen of the wise

You were always my favorite
I was always celibate
You said I was full of it
Maybe in the moshpit

Say my name
No not that one
Say the one you say to me
When you're lonely
Say the one that will tame
The one that my heart won

****, that was the mdma.**

I felt the chemicals crawling slowly passed my throat into my system
And for a moment I was the only thing in my moshpit reality
Standing completely still for once
Right there
In the middle of Hungary
I felt the prodigy spiders climb through my skin
Into my brain
And I could not think myself
But I heard the thoughts of others

"Why do we do this to ourselves?"

It’s been a week - things have been happening - I’m going through it. I’ve become nostalgic for two weeks ago. I got screamed at, I lost my AirPods case and I cracked my iPhone screen, so I’m several levels worse - I’m a sad human. I’m writing this at the Apple Store while a friendly Apple person renders me whole.

The Ukraine situation has everyone unnerved. Draw a card - Pandemic or WWIII? Please, protect my peace. So there’s a level of “*****-it” now.

Friday night, I’m in a bad mood and when someone says “Come-on let's go clubbing!”
I’m - “Let’s GET THIS.” Later, we’re at a club, and it’s INSANELY crowded, like a moshpit. It was ABBA night. It did not escape me that this is exactly the type of milieu I’ve been avoiding for years. Did I mention the WWIII level of “*****-it”?

Ok, moshpit, you could hardly move, you definitely couldn’t hear, and Anna dropped her phone - we were sure that it was gone forever but 30 minutes later a hole opens up and there it is - like it’s just been sitting there waiting - so, there ARE miracles.  

The list of life’s demands grow by the moment - reading, homework, laundry, dinner, upcoming midterms. I had a rock solid plan for a Saturday night of fun but assignments and necessities destroyed its integrity.

After a heroic effort and completing everything, I felt a fast-metastasizing boredom, so I wandered outside my room, hoping for company and distraction - it was 00:30 AM  - and for for once - no one else was there! Where was everyone? Hello zombie apocalypse.

So I did what anyone would do in that beat - I cued-up ”Miraculous,” because Ladybug’s always there for me.

You stupid, amazing *****.
Your Mad heart vilifies Deceit,
Mashing Xanax and ******,
Benzos for the price of flight.

Yet there you stand
Idyllic and idolised,
The chemicals and pheromones
clash and dance magnificently.
The Moshpit of Deceit
Is your tragic sanctuary.

(What.. the Construct is not God?)

A final flare across the falsehood. A message for the Circus carnies, their "Feerless Leaders" surrounded by all of those foul-smelling little Circus-midgets who stroke their emptiness as they feed on the open wounds of women and call it poetry. The girl has walked off the stage—and now you're left to perform for ghosts within that never-ending moshpit of clown-driven bumper cars.. signaling each other with nifty little 'doublesecret', nursery-school codeword handshakes..

This is not her elegy.

This is your eulogy.



You never had her.
You only had her wounds.

You dressed them up in silk,
fed them validation like wine,
watched her dance in your smoke
and thought that was devotion.

But devotion doesn't need an audience.
And healing doesn't ask your permission.

She’s walking now—
through the neon bones of your kingdom,
past the velvet ropes and half-dead prophets,
past the pit bosses and poets with nothing left to say.

She is not yours anymore.
Not her mind.
Not her mouth.
Not her mercy.

The girl is leaving Las Vegas.
And all you have left
is your mirrors and your rot.

You built your house on applause
and gaslight,
and panting beneath the throne. You offered her fame in fragments—
tried to turn her trauma into theater.

But she has remembered her name. And it is not Object. It is not Muse. It is not *****.

She is not your story.
She is not your audience. She is not your ******* redemption arc.

She owes you nothing.
Not a final poem,
not a farewell kiss,
not a second read-through of your mask.

The curtain is down.
The light is off.
The only thing echoing in this theater
is the sound of your own need.

You tried to brand her with brokenness.
You tried to cage her in shame
and call it belonging.

But she has slipped through your stagehands
like smoke returning to the mountain.

And now, you will eat yourselves. You will tear your velvet gods limb from limb, looking for the magic you could never hold.

Because it was never yours. It was hers. And she is gone.

Gone,
like a daughter returning home,
with the fire still burning in her chest
and no need to ask permission.

Let her fly. Let the city crumble.
The girl is leaving Las Vegas.

And none of you  pathetic
******* will follow her out.

Young, Wild and Free
There is no game and there is no compass
How I despise, another fall
Another diminishing glimmer in my eyes.

Brown cascading with Blue
Lips on lips,
Hips and Sips
I could like you but I don't know how.

For monogamy is a practice unknown to me
A language miles away, from where interconnectedness flies away
It's greatest fear is it's mastery, for a life lackluster at it's very seams.

Monogamy, a prized practice
Forever at its lips bidding adieu,
I would like you but I don't know how.

How do I dignify a surmise,
You're beyond deserving of more.

I like to smoke and I'm not sorry,
I like drinking until I can dance and I cannot forgive
I find my comfort in a glass of whiskey,
I find my charm breeds with corona.

You deserve more than a mickey,
You are my delicacy beyond this honey brown purity.

You should be dignified,
You should be invited to the ball and not the moshpit.

A million words and a million girls
So I cower in fear
Simmer in the millions of men

For every woman you see, there are a million men for me.
I cascade in this, I comfort in the crowd.
I find comfort in daydreams, ripping seams, lips

Distance is my mechanism,
Hope is abundance
I want nothing but your gaze,
But to save my soul with a simple graze,
I seek comfort in the crowd.

I'm lazy,
I've grown lazy with indecision,
A indecision that has bred on fear,
A crippling, cold, vindictive tar suffocating all reason.
Horror lulled me into laze, and now I await
I await a love that consumes me

But how may a love come to me when I stay begging
Begging by a bottle, holding comfort in the crowd.

I seek comfort in the crowd, but the crowd does not fulfil me.
The crowd is a youth, it is not a lifetime.
I seek comfort in the crowd, but the crowd cannot seek comfort in me.

Leader of the pack
Packing leading rounds
Rounds of Jack's giant hounds
Jack is with Jake
By the lake
Molly's with Kurt
And he's a bit more then hurt
They'll get together
And raid the nether

Jack turned on Jake
Molly at the lake
Lake at the night
Molly's night of light
Kurt threw a fit
And fell to the moshpit
Jake like a feather
Just invaded the nether

Ricky with a knife
Staking his life
Jack and Molly
And Kurt almighty
Wanted to stay rightly
Ricky came for Heather
Who was in the nether

Oh, they're already gone
Gone to a better sun
They're all together
At the bottom of the nether
And you thought you knew better
Wet winter weather

Do I sink,
Do I swim—
In dem eyes of Lake Michigan?

I got my hopes up again
Tryna stay afloat
While the world ends
So I’ll build a raft of
empty prescription bottles
And ride it out in the plastic sea

Let it engulf me

Beach hazards statement-
I’m coming alive again
I’m done asking the current to pull me in

I’ll leave the call of the void on read

While The waves are thrashing
At the sea wall

So just pin me up
against the lighthouse

And whisper me
sweet static nothingness

I’m coming
I’m coming
I’m coming alive again

Beach hazards statement-
You make me wanna give a **** and mean it

We woke up on
Subconscious shores
Wind whipping sand in our face

You’re hushing all my little wars
Holding tight in your embrace

Staring into me like
Life imitating art Defines catharsis

you’re the muse in
my mind’s moshpit

You’re the last
punk rock princess

Blowing out the speakers
In another castle

In your old skool vans
And your mc5 shirt
Leopard nuanced
Leather queen

The madness
To the meaning

Let’s get hyper real
In the surreal cerulean

So tell me,
Do I sink do I swim
in those swirling galaxies of Lake Michigan?
Cause I don’t even think about the end
Just an abyss of
Fear and desire conflicting

its revolting, my scars are open
can you throw the first stone to smote em'
im the sutre torn apart till the flesh falls off the bone and
don't forget the shady residue that lingers on your teeth
is the secrecy that keeps you secretly like me

. no need for proverbs here
to solve this problem here
im a flow like faucet water
than disappear in smoke and mirrrors
im the product of disease
the problem fostered by my peers
who never had my back
and it bothered me for years
they tried to fix the problem
but it haunted me to tears
i watched my father turn his temper
to a weapon when im near
couple years i started feeling weird
my friend became my fantasy
i startedthinking **** im ******* queer
this isn't really  happening
but instead of facing facts
i feared of what the **** id here
from the ****** hating friends i had
that never seemed to care
so i started fooling with a dog
to make my urges less severe
but the worthlessness emerged
the surface looking perfect,
while  regrett became a constant
it was like walking in a moshpit
watching bodies drop like dog ****
i was doing lots of drugs alone
and nobody here  could stop it
id just go down inside my room
and keep coughing in my coffin
id been lonely all my life what
was another day, no problem
when your haunted


what do you do when you cant breathe
everything seems like a bad dream
the shilouette of memories between the credits and the last scene
turn into photographs you imagine but you  cant see
*** if you ask me, i    just wanted to be happy






life became a story book
and in it i was cautious
not to eat the toxic spores
that made magic mushrooms
feel so awesome
i started selling *** i thought hey cool
i get acknowledged
i had a gf that was freaky
and i was giving non stop ****
she use to be my locket and my
heart would be the lock pick
we did a lot of drugs and ******
but i was fighting with her constant
my jealousy enveloped me compelling me
to drop it
so one day my bro got talking and we ran away to dauphin
ill be honest it wasn't five star it was kinda like the projects
but i just wanted to get my **** inside a **** ******* squa *****
so i musta fathered many children that haven't try to call yet
but **** it next what happened i was at a social dance and
some gangster started scrapping next he asked me something
but i never really answered
so he ran to mike and smashed his jaw like it was ******* soft as plastic
i started into panic *** i wasn't use to scrapping
i went out to the field he disappeared like it was magic
than about this time i realize im going to get my *** kicked
i asked for peace instead im greeted with a right hook landed on my **** chin
i started seeing white like extraterrestrials just landed
i threw my hand so fast he landed on his back after i smacked him
and than it was my time to get my ***** lil *** kicked
i blacked it, time elapsed in a flash of what happened
i tried to stand than ******* ran
before i started collapsing
i took it like a ***** but i wasn't use to that action
i made the trip to the emerge
but felt a mental reaction
in the days that ensued i began cracking my head like a gasket
i wrote a blood stained letter to my friend i thought backstabbed
i began imagining the bad things that happened
my memory was fuzzy like a caterpillars back is
i developed mental illness as fast as you spell dummy backwards
i started hearing this chatter, became mad at their laughter
i was convinced that i had died andwas a new person after
but no matter,
shortly after i was prescribed me some pills
i was now a cog inside the mind of the mentally ill
my dad was distant from me *** i looked ready to ****
but still i was confused, overdue for some answers
instead i found a way to make myself a societal cancer
the noose began to choke in, the hope i had i still mattered
i met a dysfunctional partner, and began falling backwards
we had two kids there after, it compacted the matters
i shattered like glass and returned to my habits
soon me smoking crack was not unusual practice
but im too high to re hash the badshit
so ill let you have this crotch grabbing
impression of Michael Jackson
till i beat it for you ******* billie jean
was an unmatchable actress

sudden snakes in my brain
what a waste are my inaudible cries
mental welts i give myself
because i made you leave
now you hate me
**** my life
it's all just too hard to believe

inaudibly i crumble and fall into the dirt
don't bury me,  just leave me here
dead inside, inert
i died the day you left me
i'd never felt so hurt

hope in the shape of Zoloft
just isn't doing the trick
i read our chats over and over
and the flogging bud of failure
knowing how much I lost leaves
me feeling sick

you said i was toxic, maybe that's true.
i only know i've never loved anyone the
way i love you . my mental mosh pit, my
hodgepodge mind I feel so much that i'll never
say and the snakes in my brain will probably
never go away

When I taste tequila
He says the burn is okay and normal
the caveats of my tongue are pressed with the bitter solace
You don’t know how bad I need you
you are my Irish cream, my guilty pleasure
Dancing with the devil but instead dancing with you but is that the same thing
the moshpit of our own twisted minds and our consciouses are two twisted sweaty bodies
whiskey and red wine and champagne and all that
Why do I write about males
Hot commodity
I will pretend before I admit and admit before I realize
i can hear my pupils dilating

i am in need of comfort and utter care
i carry this world on shoulders that cannot bare
any more

i weep no longer
no more hope for sovereign
a moshpit in my head
i cant even go to bed

i dont want to die
but i dont want to live

a deafening screech fills the void
my soul in torment and you arent help
i think they forgot about me
im alone

ill drop this world and pray for mercy
my shoulders give up, i failed. im sorry

i hope i'm not a regret

just a face in a moshpit

on your world tour in boston

where it snows too **** often