mother problems
chicken pox
asked my aunt
she replied
shower my mother with love and care
after many tries
chicken pox
appointment to the end
of chicken pox
sent my mother a message that she wasn’t okay
drowsy drowsy
medicines
drowsy
shouts and screams
a clueless father
a I-dont-give-two-*******-***** sister
exams over
results out
failed my favourite subject
HOW DID I FAIL LITERATURE
chicken pox doctor
misdiagnosis
then gave me wrong number of weeks to rest
choreography for bollywood
tamil folk
parents were showering ill concealed parental
concern
went to support
ran ran ran
confused and nervous
of the entire world hating me
i ran. ran. i ******* ran
wash the dishes
cooked **** - got scolded for not cooking
extremely ***-y father
why the ******* hell did that happen
cooked
messed up dishes
ate dinner outside
whole family sick
syf prac horrendous
out of breath
trying to run
dinner outside everyday
people who didnt listen
people who didnt care about the dance
time limit
one week before kanal
havent finished choreography
CHICKEN ****** POX
came back to school
parents being ***
whole family down with chicken pox
mother working her *** off
she doesnt want any help
dancing dancing dancing  
mother’s talk about me trying to get away from dance
raffles diploma
performance
november performance
i couldnt dance
kicked out ruthlessly
kanal
five minutes before
a message no more such activities next year
marche dinner
screamed and screamed
out of breath
******* hole in my throat
ran ran ran ran ran
away from idiosyncrasies
raffles diploma
career choices
out of money
where did all the money go
where did all the money go
goals
fashion designer
parents : banker, scientist
work backwards from the goal
dance i want to dance
outings
2 days before
go on to khan academy
father only listens to himself
crushed bones
crushed ribcages
i cant breathe
still running

It was as if the world was spinning spirals around me that got smaller and smaller, and more and more distant with every whirl until it was just a spec floating before me and I was nothing but an observer. I was no longer dancing circles in the center of it all, just to keep up. I was no longer a part of it. It’s like… I don’t know have you ever said a word so many times in a row that it stopped sounding like the thing you were describing, and instead started to sound like this separate alien entity? “Crayon, craaayon, crayooon, crayonnn” I used to do it all of the time when I was little… just repeat things until they weren’t even things! Or, when you stare at yourself in the mirror for so long that you start to question who or what is actually looking back at you… and you reach out and touch the glass and then you touch your face, just to believe it. Just to make it real. I felt my heart breaking inside of me, and then all of a sudden… nothing. I was dizzy for a moment; I felt the beginning of a headache let in but then… silence, silence of mind, silence of physicality. All was cut off. I was so numb. So separated. So tragically indifferent. It only felt like a moment’s time that I had sort of escaped my body, but when I finally came back... back to feeling… back to myself, the sun had gone down and I was alone in my tiny flat in London with the door locked, and a dresser lodged under the handle. All of the lights were off, and I was sweating. They say that by the time the police got there, twenty seven people were reported missing, and by the time they cleared my flat, twenty six body bags were sent away… Orange, black, orange, black, white, white, white. Bread. Bricks. Bars. Bolts. Locks. Keys. Psychiatrists… twice a day every day, “What do you remember from the night of the murders?” , “Why did you do it?” Some of them got so emotional, the men in blue escorted them out & I never saw them again. For the first couple of months I had a different psych every other day. But I’ve had the same lady for about eight years now and she hasn’t got a single thing outta me. Mostly because there’s nothing there. Have I thought about making up a memory and a motive? Sure. But, what if by some beautiful twist of fate, it wasn’t me. What if I was framed? What if I was drugged and the schizophrenia is just a misdiagnosis based on an event that had very little to do with me… I mean, I was the twenty seventh missing person… what if there were twenty eight of us in that room and the guy who offed those twenty six victims left me to cover his tracks? I think about it all of the time. Twenty four hours a day, for the past ten years. But I’m here. Here for life. “Most notorious serial killer in four decades.” I hear it every day. My name, and my face plastered all over weird, low rent books twisted teenagers dance rituals around or whatever. Me. The schizophrenic, ******, sociopath murderer. I was a normal kid. Went on dates at local coffee houses. Sang along to ****** rap songs in the back of my best friend’s car. Took beach vacations every summer. But now, now I had twenty six lives I made myself responsible for… and I haven’t had an episode since. Makes you question, ya know. Question everything. This life. These facts we learn and know to be true, the surroundings that we perceive to be reality… all of it, does it even exist? Do I even exist? Honestly, I think I’m dreaming. I’ve been dreaming for a while now. I just can’t figure out exactly how to wake up.

Saint Patrick's day
Two whiskeys six beers,
Getting ready for the night.
I wasn't ready.
My phone buzzing
Like a hummingbird
Stuffed in my pocket.
Suddenly I have friends,
It's so overwhelming.
Feels like getting cancer,
I hope it was a misdiagnosis.
Then I saw you.
I'm used to it,
But it's always just a ghost.
Tonight it wasn't,
And I wasn't ready.
You were buried years ago,
But ****, you smelt the same.
As the day I threw the dirt on you.

Sometimes she wished
The little things would **** her
All the risks of
Surgery, skin cancer, and stupidity
Carried no weight
For she wanted so badly for
The little things to **** her.

She caught herself daydreaming
Of the possibility that today
Would never lead to another tomorrow
That way the little things -
The sudden and accidental car crash,
The one in a million lightning bolt,
The simple but fatal misdiagnosis
Could rescue her.

For her, death was not to be feared.
How could it possibly be worse
Than the concept of life -
Waking each day hopeful
Going to bed each night disappointed -
Disappointed in herself for failing
To outrun the bitter criticism
She imposed on herself.

So cowardly.
So weak.
So broken.

Pathetic.

And so she kept wishing
For the little things,
Hopeful
That they'd save her from
The bigger things:
Her regrets, her failures, her emptiness
But as always
She was disappointed.

I'm starting therapy again today,
I'm nervous and excited
but wondering what to say,
I don't want another misdiagnosis

Irises,
with lungs full of air and water,                And the sun that is infinitely yellow...
Oh my little flower !
How can you survive?
I will sing you a lullaby
of white lilies,
On the branches of
the grape tree....
And the pigeon
that will embrace
the morning sun,
Above the spring orange blossoms...
you exist...
like the figure
In all my late afternoons...
And being in the light...
In the air of your room...
When daylight, illuminates
the dead colored windows
In your room...
In every second...
And lilies,
sprouted from your eyes...
And your hands,
will make the buds green...
the sky,
after the sun
was pink....
Everything was pink...
when i write,
your hands caressing my hands again...
And my hands smell of you
My motherly flesh smells like you
Again...
in subway,
I imagine you...
It was like animation
We were passing through a forest
The forest was so big
The forest had entered the subway from behind the windows...
The passion,
of hunting a butterfly
in your eyes....
You jumped with a butterfly
You flew...
and were happy....
That all cats can laugh...
And I was like my childhood
I was a seven-year-old girl,
With a pink skirt
and bangles...
We can laugh together again..
I love you,
And I don't know
what you are...!
Are you a color?
Are you just a smile?
Or body?
I love you,
And I don't want you to perish...
In Here,
Middle East,
smells like blood,
soil...
and jasmines...
And I am terrified like my childhood...
Sunlight,
is infinitely white and meaningless...
And nothing is beautiful anymore....
I love you,
And i want you to be free...
In here,
Middle East,
With no hospital for Animals Illiteracy of veterinarians Substandard drugs
Lack of good ecosystem to live. Congenital defects.
And misdiagnosis...
Can my love set you free?
I saw you...
and recognized you...
My meaning will be formed from you...
And after love,
We become prisoners of circumstances...
And wishes and choices mean mistake...
Oh dear God!
What is the result of all this immorality and injustice?
Why are we not free?
And can art destroy brutality?
The updated rules have no effect in none of the centuries
And if this was not the
Middle East,
Would the ecosystem give us
Such a victim...?!
Apples and pears mean mistake
And you are the sun...
The sun of those red pomegranate blossoms...
And the virginity of my body was bright in the sun
And primroses will not have a lifetime....
The shadow of fig leaves
will die in your eyes...
And giving birth is a mistake...
I love you, my fetus
Your lungs will no longer suffocate you....
You no longer have to endure the lack of vital facilities...
You don't have to be in this injustice...
You don't have to be where there is no morality....
You don't have to endure both, the fate of humen...
and the fate and imperfection of nature...
You don't have to live in polluted air to enjoy hunting birds....
And humen mean mistake...
It will be an easy death for you The sound of your laughter will ring in the primroses...
The screams of your lungs will no longer be heard
You will no longer breathe with your mouth open...
And you can catch butterflies...
Like a white lily on your forehead,
You are happy and free...
Maybe somewhere else,
In timelessness and spacelessness...
free from the body...
Free from meaning...
Concept...
and free of form...
I will make the lentil,
sprouts green again...
and you are free now...
Your hands will be your own... Your little feet will be your own... And your eyes too....
I saw you and recognized you
And they will not laugh at us anymore...
And they will not say with their logic,
A cat cannot be your child...
Your body was like a cat
And I do not believe
That I don't regocnize the soul,
I saw behind his eyes...
Oh my little Bonsai !
Why do you put your faith in me so much...?!
That soul is my son...
You are my maternal feelings
beyond your body...
beyond this world...
Full of the voice of sunflowers Full of the voice of butterflies and full of the bright green and yellow colors....
And oh human!
Why do you think you are separate from animals?
They understand that we belong to them
But we don't get it...!
And this is because of our
law and civilization...
We have been lying to our children since the beginning, Through animations...
And I came from a cat
And I can have
maternal feelings for a cat...
Oh psychologist !
I'm not insane...
How many people should be victims of one thought and violence...?!
He is still my son
and my God...
I prostrated on your body...
I bathed with your soil...
Fields of dust,
****** waves
All around...
Space as dark as fear,
And I was worried that you didn't have a pillow...
on his happy face,
The dust was falling...
you slept forever,
in new bed of yours...
I saw that you liked it...
And i was going to buy you a bed two days ago...
At nights,
With a sky full of stars
And full moon,
With the song of angels,
On the wings of
butterflies...
dragonflies...
And dandelions,
you will sleep....
And I will find
new beginnings,
for you...
in the constellation,
in cycle,
When the moon reaches
the last round
And the moon dies,
The new moon is just beginning...
in cycle,
One meaning,
becomes
another meanings...
And this means
" new biginnings "
You are a flesh,
with thousand meanings...
my room smells like you
today,
The smell of the plant
The smell of a bird
And the smell of حیآة
the voice of leaves...
green shimmer,
And حیآة ☘
I love you,
And I don't want you to perish
Like the fresh green bud of your grape tree...
like a new meaning of حیآة,
In the vase that I was taking for Mr. Emadi...
Like green olives, in your eyes
you are ripe without guilt...
Oh my one year old apple tree!
you were breathing with pain...
from night to morning...
In the shape of a flute,
In the color of childhood roses,
And your honeysuckle will not breathe anymore...
On your tender and scarred skin,
Oh, Mr. Emadi!
I don't think yellow butterflies, can see the shimmer of green lights...
When a child dies.
You will no longer
be on the branches
at the moment of twilight,
To hear the sound of swallows
The sun will set in your eyes And I will not see your body again...
when from my mother,
My mother who can give birth,
I ask what is justice...?!
maybe like a fetus,
has a hand
has legs
has eyes
And will he **** milk from my *******?
I could see my young eyes,
full of moaning...
I leave my knitting undone,
And laughter,
is no longer beautiful
This vast and blue sky,
was no longer beautiful...
But i love the
blowing breeze,
from you
Bare the pores of my skin,
from your smell
To let me be a cotton primrose, sewn on the white fabric
of your pillow
And how tragic it is;
that your body is dying
Your body will decompose
Your eyes no longer exist
And your hands too...
And now, like war victims,
I will look for your missing hand and foot...
I found a piece of your
hand bone in the soil...
I used to worship this hand
I used to kiss this hand
You were a body,
I used to caress you
And you were intact,
And this was my heart pain.
And I will never forget you
How strong you were until your last breath...
You were fighting
for your survival...
For your freedom...
You were a warrior in this injustice...
And forgive me for living without you
And forgive me for not being able to save you...
Oh حیآة
I looked for you a lot
I look for you in the moon
I look for you in the stars
and in the sky too...
whenever i find time,
I will commit suicide
to see you there,
To see your sky
I will smell jasmine in your cumulus clouds...
In your June...
In your green and yellow June...
Oh, happy child of nature!
So you have been...
And dreaming at night,
means mistake of the mind...
Oh حیآة
in your farewell,
The scent of the dust and blood of the Middle East was dormant
And the innocent fragrance of
Honeysuckle,
was in your name
Oh حیآة
in your farewell,
Your hands were moving
And your eyes were sheer innocence
It is indescribable;
a light,
that is not for this world
And you breathed with torture
In Every Monday
In your farewell
And In your eyes
The breeze loves the moon
And I will weave the leaves of your fig tree...
I will weave your lullabies...
And I will put a white spring orange blossom in your hair again,
And my motherly lullaby will be heard again...
when you were sleeping,
I had put a spring orange blossom in your hair...
and now,
The trees...
And all the flowers
had the sense that
not to stay...
You would hold your hands
to the blossom branches
and play...
And all the blossoms felt like they wouldn't stay...
My ******* grew for you
My womb was formed for you
And I still see you from behind the colored windows of your room...
I can still see your eyes...
The leaves,
are your green eyes...
They are sheer innocence
like the call to prayer at noon,
And your room,
Full of dust and light;
is still a mosque...
Without prayer and prostration
Your rose sees the moon through the soil of your body
Your pink rose,
means flawless happiness...
And the smell of
my motherly dress,
with your
childish smell from the wind,
They start playing again...
I saw you and recognized you again...
And I have never seen
so many green plants
in the soil of your body...
And this means your
New beginnings...
Your primroses,
from the soil of your body... leaves,
of green trees,
and plastic,
They are part of this nature too...
And oh حیآة !
The shock of this tragedy,
your tragedy,
will remain
in the soil of
Middle East...
Oh dear God !
When a happy
and free butterfly,
has been hunted by the sun
at that moment,
I am disgusted
by your thoughts...

Maybe I’m too simple
or too shallow
but I’m not angry.
What’s wrong with me?

I was trying to think
of someone I hate,
Jews, CIS guys, republicans,
palestinians, blacks, democrats,
the left handed, authority figures,
central americans, parents, vagrants,
the usual suspects, but I’m coming up empty

Things aren’t perfect
don’t get me wrong
I’ve got a pug nose
a flat chest
a giant forehead
and too much work to do
but I’m trying my best—

Worse yet, I’ve no plummeting anxieties
no obvious neurosis
—that one could be a misdiagnosis
no painful hangnails
no sad life tales
no addictions to defend
or hated ex-boyfriends
I have no emo hooks to pin my verse.
no current melodramas to cozen and coerce
between you and me, I think I’m off the rails
It’s really no wonder my poetry pales.

Yeah, that’s what’s wrong with me.
.
.
Songs for this:
Gee, Doctor by Dimie Cat
Sweet Lovin' (feat. Anna-Luca & Iain Mackenzie) by Club des Belugas

I look at all the words I mean,
Not wanting people to come back right at me,
Reprimanding me for criticising health care professionals
(“They just want to help, it’s their job”
- Well that’s what I thought too,
So maybe someone should tell them to do their “compassionate” job right,
And to think, I wanted to be just like them
But better)
Criticising me for criticising the NHS,
It’s not about the NHS.
I’m not blind to see that this happens everywhere,
I was all for the NHS
I was
“Going to be a nurse”
And so so happy about it,
But they managed to take that from me too,
It didn’t encourage me to do better,
It just made me want to get as far away from them as possible.

So I thought, “don’t post it!”
And just as suddenly recalled that I should not hide this,
Even if occasionally in some twisted kind of way I do feel guilty, like it’s all my fault;
What they said, how they acted, what they thought,
Or just simply of their proposition that I’m ill because of myself.
After all, if I don’t speak out who will?
I think of those who do tell the world of their experiences,
And how when I read about it I felt understood, almost like there’s a place for me,
And how I wish I could be that brave,
Whilst knowing that I’m not.
They remind me that it’s not okay,
To keep being treated this way,
So why not speak out?
The side of me I taught to be nice to myself,
The one that challenges cruel thoughts, tells me that
Shouldn’t I deserve these rights? Shouldn’t I be heard without fear?
People like me have had things they need taken away from them by doing this,
But I never had them in the first place, so why not?

These health professionals have so much jurisdiction,
When it comes to our bodies and how we perceive them,
Even for patients who are headstrong and less vulnerable this can be volatile.
It will be painstakingly explosive.
I suppose optimistically I’d like to hope,
They don’t realise the power at their hands; their words, their treatment
That somehow makes it okay for them
To bruise the strong but delicate souls,
Which they manage to crush so easily, so mercilessly
(Instead of our symptoms)
But then I wonder, I just honestly wonder:
How it could be fathomable that they could look us in our pleading eyes and downright refuse us,
Undermine us, all at once as if we were a common inconvenience,
Like the whole point of their vocation
Is not to help people,
Not only when they need it most, but at all!

Sardonically, I laugh at it now,
How very hard I tried, and was happy to try, to be in this field also,
Because no matter what the cost to my current emotions,
I always told myself, just do this really well so you can be a nurse,
So you can help people.
Each time my life was hard I told myself it’s okay because the end result is that I’ll get to be a nurse to help people.
To help people.
It’s just so funny right? Because the nurse I saw didn’t want to help me!
And I know they’re not all like that,
There are good nurses, good doctors (I hope - I’ve heard if you’re lucky you’ll find one someday),
But I can’t stomach how you could go through all that effort to help someone,
To then be so inconsiderate and futile.

And around about here,
I tell myself again that I’m probably a horrible person,
Because I know not to paint everyone with the same brush, there are good and bad people in everything,
But if I have child one day in the distant future, would I want them to be okay with this?
With the ******* and insufficient “care” I’ve endured,
No. And I would even like to think I would scream it from the rooftops,
But I’m not that audacious or loud enough,
And frankly it’s scary,
Terrifying as hell because while you look at your health care system and see:
Trustworthy, compassionate and caring,
I see: fear and a hierarchy that will never hold you high enough to be heard,
Once one doctor’s said it’s because of your mentality
None of the others will look at you twice unless it’s to see into your psyche and not your physical body.

So part of me may half heartedly deny this when it comes to speaking out about this,
But this is not okay,
And this is not only for me to get the words out somewhere,
But for every other person like me, who didn’t get what they deserved from those supposed to help us,
It is not your fault,
And maybe one day in the long and distant future that we may or may not see,
(Because change takes a long time and not because we’ll die from misdiagnosis - that’s a bit dramatic,
Although accurate for some unfortunate people)
All of us together, we can make a difference.
This is a fight that I never thought I’d be a part of,
A war I never knew or acknowledged existed,
And one day, I want to say that I haven’t lost every single battle of this never ending war.

Someone take my hand
Let me show you where it began
Just take a moment to listen
The truth will soon play out
I take you back to 1997
The year a beautiful girl was born
When snow covered the ground
And they wrapped her a pink blanket
Her mother had a daughter but she never really wanted her
1998 one year from the day theres snow on the ground again only this time theres brusises on a childs face
1999 just another day for a family of five only soon things will change
2000 the mother faded away into a world of self induced haze and the young girl had her innocence stripped away
2001 society got involved but the truth was hidden so nothing came of the unwanted medeling
2002 the show is just beginning when they locked her outside in the cold not letting her back in till she stopped pleading
2003 waking up in a hospital bed lips blue and not remembering the plot is beginning to thicken
2004 busted lips bruised arms and cover ups till society has a suspicion and times are about change
are you still listening because I'm taking you a lot farther?
2005 another strange home with another family who doesnt care money is desired and thats all that matters
2006 slit wrists and suicide attempts broken promises and hospital stays
2007 just another year with more pain and nothing to gain from living
2008 lost communication anger and homicidal aggression
2009 change of a name still the same game
I promise just a little farther. Soon everything will be over.
2010 miscommunication manipulation and suicide obsession
2011 treatment seems to be answer to the problems but in hindsight it never changed anything
2012 another year sitting in unwanted treatment all alone surrounded by insanity trying to find her place to be
2013 cell walls and an addiction to a razor blade writing about lifes pain assumed to be insane
2014 society gave a misdiagnosis to the real problem not really insane just looking for escape
2015 that brings us to today where shes has learned to hide the pain just to save herself from people assuming she seeks attention..
The real problem has never changed she still faces the pain of the past and the demons still put up a chase
Maybe one day there will truly be a change in her fate but for now it gets darker everyday
The moon no longer shines at night and it rains all day
Clouding the reality of what's really going on.
Reality is a ***** waiting to strike again only this time
People will begin to understand the parts that are meant to be understood

i want to write more poetry but the words refuse to leave
i'm terrified that they might become what used to make me pleased

i believed every scribble i drew on paper in pen was art
"it's my poetry, who cares about verse, form, rhythm, and heart?"

i assigned too much meaning to all the juvenile words
instead of searching for the words that are ones worth working for

i continuously thought that my first drafts were perfection
always finished with each one after being newly written

i labeled meaningless writing as simply ambiguous
to call my work poetry was such a misdiagnosis

Doctors say my fever is caused by a bacterial infection
They've prescribed me antipyretic and antibiotic
Doctors in this city are known for misdiagnosis and wrong prescriptions
My fever is due to being away from you
You must be infused into my veins
That's it!

@Sunset

through sixth-sense lenses
built into focused-frames;
the unacknowledged legislator
zooms in on the landscape hidden in plain sight;
to dissect, digest and divulge
an abstract autopsy of societal abnormalities.

disguised in makeup of mythical tales,
the parallel pictures hide in satirical details
dressed in innocent historical fables -
revealing esoteric plot-holes in reality
and magnifying the pore-sized loopholes
onto projections of pundit objections.

in sculpted stanzas
the poet reshapes alphabetical definitions
to portray and illuminate telescopic details
into layman termed translations -
misread by the naked eye in undefined,
unobserved misdiagnosis.

picking up the mantle laid by poets of yesterday's;
the protest songwriter picks, strums and plays
off of the same hymn sheet -
laying lyrical foundations to critical conclusions
on stages set for youth driven revolutions.