CUTTING THE TIES THAT BIND
So I cut myself with a knife
just to see if I can still feel anything in this pathetic life
But I feel nothing at all
as I watch my crimson blood fall
I score my skin, deeper and deeper, push the knife in
nothing..... not even a sting...absolutely nothing
I frantically seek a virginal place I can carve, cut away my hate
self loathing, disgust, as I look at myself, what a ******* state
Waiting to faint, as my blood seeps and escapes
but as if mocking me, I have to wait
relief comes at a price, a deadly cost
and reminds me of all that i've lost
tired and sleepy, waiting for death to collect me
I've planned for no one to save me, finally be free
one last slice, just to ensure
deep across artery, my blood pumps no more

My Journey Through Madness
#illness   #self-harm   #selfharm   #mentalhealth

Living with mental illness makes almost every single day a battle. Will we wake up and handle our stress or will our brains completely derail and make us want to give up? Will today be a good day or will we fall closer to rock bottom again?

We KNOW we have everything to live for (kids, family, friends, great jobs, etc.) and we ARE grateful for those amazing fortunes...but something always haunts us. We are always fighting to stay on top and to control how our emotions flow out. There is always a fear, however small and maybe even subconscious, that today could be the day that breaks us or that we fall back down from however far we've climbed. Its a constant, conscious effort to survive, let alone thrive. Some days are easier than others. Treatment and/or therapy helps, but we're never "cured". The demon can be tamed but never exorcised. This is us.

We are mothers, fathers, friends, coworkers, siblings, sons, daughters. We smile through pain. We cling to the smallest hopes and continue to climb.

So show some compassion. Give hugs and high fives when you're having a good day. Check on your friends who may be slipping. Help them up. Show them you care, don't just tell them. You could be the light in someone's darkness that brings them back to life. #Depression #Anxiety #Suicide #MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe

Contributing to a conversation about what I call: balancing the emotion with a perceived reality, which can also be claimed as an illlusion. #Traumahealing #lovingwhoyouare #mentalhealth #buildingrelationship #managingperceptions #consensualrealities

Reading others poems
Leave my viewpoint behind
For a time.

Tags
#mentalhealth #overwhelming #perspectives #fear #isolation #unabletocommunicateinpublic

Notes
Context : a difficult day so far, got up very early,  went for a two hour walk in my local park, unable to lift my head, severe paranoia and overwhelming thoughts/feelings, got a nice message from one of the poets and I broke down crying uncontrollably, unable to stop everything became a trigger. Was expected to turn up for work (remote work from home) - unable to use work as a mental distraction so I emailed my team leader and went to lie down on the grass in a local park, trying really hard to look at people in the face and think of something to say. Deep breaths and the earth touching the back of my head (no other skin/earth contact points). Trying, trying, trying to keep it together. Reading some other poems and trying to understand where they were coming from, jumping from my headspace into the writers perspectives distracts for a time however I am still surrounded by my thoughts and fears but I don't cry in public (this time). Struggling to interact with the outside....had a lunch and my work stress is relieved by my manager. Reading more poems, thanks to everyone using this site, better stop this typing.