This is probably the last letter umma wite to you
But as I'm drafting this letter, I'm left with a lof of thoughts
And somehow, I feel like everyone is judging me
Everyone thinks I'm pretending
I don't know why, because
No one could understand the pain I feel
The tears I've held back
No one could understand the heartache
The confusion
The questions with no answers
The dissapointment in myself
In everyone else
No one understands the hate I feel
The rage burning inside my heart
I blame everyone
I blame the world
I blame myself
Busy thinking about my mom's prayer
She asked God why didn't He take us instead
Her biological children
Because maybe people wouldn't judge her so much
Maybe she would've felt like she was a better mother
Because to her it seemed like only the children she adopted were being taken away
Maybe I don't know
You know how much that broke my heart?
You know how much it hurt to hear that?
How much tears I had to hold back
It hurt worse because I understood
Your death got my extended family members branding my mother a bad mom
A witch, some a murderer
It on the upside showed me how much you were loved
How many people came to see you off
It showed me how much an angel you were to other people,
To your school mates, to your friends
It also showed me blood ain't ****
Showed me all the wolves in the family who were in sheep clothing
It devastated me more, revealing the person I trusted and loved the most, wasn't who I thought it was
But most of all it hurt my mom dearly
And hurt me dearly
I didn't expect the hurt would be gone in a week, but I didn't expect it would hurt even more each day
I know these are just words on a piece of paper, or a smartphone notepad
You probably won't see a thing
But I think this is my healing process
This is me trying to let you go
I might not know the right way to,
But believe me I'm trying
This somehow still feels like a dream
And I'm hoping I will wake up soon
But anyway
I'm letting you go now, but not letting you leave
For a part of me, you'll forever remain
Yours truly
Big Bro.
