Last night I dreamed of you again.
We were together in a crowd,
And I turned and walked away
into a silent, sunny forest.

Trees knotted into strange shapes,
Like lifesize bonsai.
I struggled over swollen roots
Exuding damp moss,
And slipped down an incline,
Into your arms.

You had followed me there,
Caught me, saved me,
But you dropped my hand as I slipped it into yours
And walked on, talking, expecting me to follow.

I’m done following, though,
And turned immediately,
Struggling on over the resistant landscape,
Over a ridge and across another of those bulging, snakelike trees.
I didn’t think you’d follow,
But again, there you were.

I asked you why you’d dropped my hand.
I know what I want, you replied
But I don't think you do,
And I'm trying to do the right thing.

I find myself wanting to ask, why? Why now?
Why, when I am over the confusion and the pain,
When I am past the most dangerous phase of withdrawal.

But, oh, that’s right – it didn’t really happen.
And I wasn’t really there.

Lifesize chess pieces
We camped along the river
I kissed your navel

I was told you might be able to help me.
I can try.
You’ve read my notes.
No, I never read notes from professionals, they tend to use big words that require dictionaries.
So you know nothing about me.
Afraid not.
So I’m wasting my ******* time being here.
I don’t know.
What the hell do you mean you don’t know.
Just what I say, I don’t know till you tell me.
Well, see if you took the time to read my ****** notes, you would know.
So tell me.
Can you not just look at my notes now.
No.
*******, I was ******* attacked, does that help you.
It’s a start.
I was *****.
Now I see why you’re angry.
I’m angry at the ******* getting away with it, I’m angry at the court for letting the ******* get away with it.
You should be, you’ve been ***** twice.
I want to **** him, that’s all I think about, 24/7.
How would you do it.
I would stab the *******.
Do you want me to show you how to do it quickly.
You would do that.
Yes, this is the knife you would use, hold it.
Okay show me.
Now before I do this, I do have to explain something to you. He will be dead, and you certainly will go to prison for a long time.
I know, but at least he’ll be out of my mind.
Afraid not, if anything he’ll be in your mind even more. Everyday you’re locked up he’ll be ****** you over and over again.
Fucksakes, is this my life forever now.
No, follow me, bring the knife with you.
This is a lifesize bad guy, I’m going to draw a circle on him, I want you to plunge the knife into the circle.
You are kidding aren’t you.
Indulge me.
Okay then, here goes.
Great, the knife went in four inches, you’ve killed him.
Is that it.
No, now I want you to tense your whole body, and when I shout ****, you attack that bad guy, and you don’t stop. I want to hear you screaming, I want you to plunge that knife in as many times as you can, I want to see you crawling on the floor physically exhausted. You ready.
Ready.
****.
Six  minutes eleven seconds, a new record. How do you feel.
I’m ******* angry, but it’s a different kind of anger, it’s hard to explain.
You’re back in control.
Yeah, I feel different, but how long will it last.
I’ll not lie to you, they’ll be times when it’ll come back to you, but the mad woman with the knife in her hand will override it.  As you get stronger, it’ll get easier.
Can I be alone with a guy again.
You’re alone with me.
I know, but I’ve got a big knife to protect me, I don’t know if I’ll be allowed to carry it about with me.
Was that a bit of humour.
It was sort of. Can I visit you again, are you allowed to drink with your patients, is that against the rules.
It’s only against the rules if I pay.
Is that your idea of humour, do you want to go for a drink now.
I might get arrested taking you to a bar just now.
No I wouldn’t mention it to anybody.
Actually I was more thinking of your mascara running down your face, your puffy eyes, and how you look like you’ve been in a fight.
Fucksakes you might have said something.
I was leaving it till tomorrow night, gives us something to talk about whilst you’re buying me beer.
You’re not very good in relationships, are you.
What makes you say that.
I don’t know, I just think you get dumped a lot.
Even more to talk about tomorrow night.
You like getting dumped, don’t you.
Sure you’ll sort me out tomorrow night.
I will, I’m going to give you all sorts of advice, change your bad ways,
make you more presentable to the opposite ***.
I see a lot of beer getting bought for me then, look forward to it.

...dolls?



(sonnet #MMMMMMMMMDCCLXIV)


Mum's Saucy Walker doll was lifesize, dense
With features such as truly walking, frail
As plastic and sheer dreams. I thought, sans bail,
She was NOT cute, nor liked her aspect, whence
I left Mum's doll to perish sans defense,
Her joys in that toy only hers, the trail
To playing at house for me: a doll t'avail
As big as Saucy Walker, cuter for intents.
No, Katy could not walk, just wet all her
Fine diapers, whilst I chewed her bottle to
Destruction. I recall the toy store fer
My desp'rate dreams, with Katy's shelf high, too
High for but grown-ups; Saucy Walker, poor
As Mum's dreams languished. LORD, how I need You.

26Sep25b