Isolationist theories
of my brutal development
A mask
In the world of passengers

Regretting every slight disruption
Making icy chatters of teeth
As we wonder

How will these small altercations
Affect the grand course
of my surreptitious collapse?
Just a violent object on an axis
A washer head
thrown into a tumultuous ocean of visions

A flickering correspondent
Lying on an abolition
The worst things happening to the best people
It spins and breaths and *****

This molested scared demon
Anally penetrating all that I believe is genuine
Reels of my childhood development
Played on repeat to search for ammunition

The tunneling rib cages of my insanity
The forest nymph of all that is good
The one who created me
Locked away in a windowless world

Analyzed as if lockness was one of them
I always thought it would be me
Falling  to where I could not be found
How am I still standing?

1.     I really tried
2. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough
3. Why did I always think everything was about me?
4. You were my angel
5. My demons were too strong
6. I never look people in the eyes because I'm afraid they'll see through my windows and see that there's not light inside
They'll see my secret pain
The monsters gain
Persuasion in the argument
If I should live or die
7. The mask wasn’t supposed to stay on forever but people seemed to like it better than my sadness and sadness doesn’t always cooperate with my plans. Like sometimes sadness just wants to stretch his legs across my face leaving traces that look like tired eyes and furrowed brows. Sadness, like water, will take the path of least resistance from the world to heart and back. Self-endulgend, sadness begs for hosts without every bothering to host the party because sadness doesn’t mind if he overstays his welcome.
8. I was 17 when he died, it has been eight years
9. If I can't win the fight to stay
If I lose and go my way
I have to believe things will be OK
Because your grief won't come
From the fact that I am gone
Maybe you'll think about what
We could have done to better get along
10. You won’t often think of me
So let me go, let me be free
Your mind is the sun
Confidence and clean
11. My mind is a terror
That doesn't deal in dream
In years to come, perhaps
You think of us
A memory we shared
12. I wish I let you in and feel a connection
Isolationist tendencies are decidedly not the best strategy
So my island is a prison
Not a blessed reclusion from the judgments of my mental illness
I'm simply in denial to any sickness at all

Every chance we get,
we’ll fail one another.
All of us.

We’ll talk over one person;
ignore all the others.

We complain that no one
ever listens to us.

We rail from our personal
pulpits against the injustices
leveled against the least of us,
doing so behind the comfort
of our keyboards.

Even if we know that we’re
wrong, misaligned, misinformed,
we fight onward anyway.

At this point,
the goal seems
to be that humanity
is choosing to be as
insular, isolationist,
antagonistic as is
possible.

We’ll hate one another
from across the world,
never bothering to cross
the street.

We’ll shoot one another
emails, messages of our
discontent, before we let
the bullets fly.

But, we’ll fire those too.

Each new home sold
will come with it’s own
chain-gun turret.
(Why the hell not?
It’s the American Way,
Isn’t it?)

We’ll climb down from
our turrets each morning,
log onto our computers, tablets, or smartphones;
sending our family, friends, neighbors, and even a few
strangers a fresh round of electronic hate-mail or
a few new anti-social media posts that finally say what
we all think anyway:

“Greetings and salutations!
*******! I’ve always been smarter than you.
I hate you, but I hate myself more and I’ve
never gotten the attention that I think I deserve.
Have a miserable day!
I know I will!”

After that we’ll back our
cars out into the driveway,
We’ll get on all fours;
fellating our exhaust pipes
for about 30 minutes.

After we’re exhausted,
(Get it?! Exhausted!)
We’ll climb back into
the car and pull it back
into the garage.

We’ll punch in the code
to our home security system.

The code will automatically
activate our ambient anti-anxiety
and antidepressant systems

(conveniently included in our home HVAC unit.)

These will fill our homes with enough meds/particles
so that we will be easily sated, manipulated
all day long.

For an extra $200
these systems will also
post positive comments
on all of your social-media
posts so as to maintain
the body’s highest levels
of dopamine.

We want you to end your day
feeling like the center of The
******* Universe.

(Remember when they made posting
vague, attention-seeking updates
On social-media illegal?)

Lights out!
Time to get
the government-sanctioned
2.75 hrs. of  sleep.

Goodnight!
I hate you!
Stay off
of my lawn!

My chain-gun is
set to auto!

Hail Trump!
Hail America!

*
-JBClaywell
©PZPublications 2018

I once went to Auschwitz, dove in the shoes.
Saw bunch of mannequins in bomb shelters from the fifties.
the house wives listened to blues.
Saw Vietnam Memorial, passed out, ** Chi Min Got hot in d.c.
Cold War cold cuts were all the news, sewing old men toupees in our weaves.

Walked trenches through Germany in mustard gas rainclouds
Saw, **** between Trotsky and Lenin, before he was a mummy.
Listened to George Bush shake Barrack Obama's hand, we are free now.
Caught world war three on the midnight news tele.

In Shambala Destiny, Chocolate covered rose petals,
From the end of the space shuttles kettle.
Boil over tipping point, all your fighting is over.

The air hangs of hung weird folk.
We can hate everyone, but ourselves.
Each moment in history had some one to hate,
Statist tend to do that to opposing encroaching States.

WE get to own the slaves, the cows of neck tie collars,
Oligarchy of patriarchical, man meat, manipulative, demagogic, isolationist, miscreant, pro-government pseudo-capitalist, state CORPORATION dollars.
Join the army old men. You hold a gun like a limp ****.
You gotta hold mine to my head, Cause money ain't doin' ******'s trick.

I jump from a painting of war veteran spiritualism.
I give no glory to people fighting for my freedom.
I hate violence, no one will ever FIGHT for MY freedom.
I am Freedom.
No state can make me that way.
No gun in my hand will change evil men.
My words must be my gun.
No one will hold my weapon.

Evil is evil, you cannot change its face through plastic surgery, Prozac, religion, or painting any other name on true morals.

I want to be alone,
Yet I don't.
I don't want to see a love poem every time I scroll down the screen,
Telling me what I don't have
And what I'm not wasting my time on
I'm in isolationist.
And I've forgotten how to love
The world.
And I've forgotten how to love
Being with people.

The snitching, tattling, and self-righteous “helping” culture
is pure poison.
People turning on each other
thinking it’s virtuous,
or that they’ll get a pat on the back from the system,
but really they’re just feeding the machine that enslaves everyone.

It’s literally like a slave enslaving another slave for no reason
just reinforcing the chains,
keeping themselves safe or in favor
while everyone else suffers.
It’s repulsive,
ludicrous,
and enraging,
because it’s built on
fear,
obedience,
and ego,
not any sense of real justice or morality.

This type of  st corrodes trust, community, and humanity
it’s systemic brainwashing
disguised as “doing the right thing.”
Plus we pay people already to do this as a job.

Lawyers sue your state and win for private prisons not being full beyond capacity.

Your tax dollars hard at work.

The­  system is screamingly obvious in its hypocrisy:
protect the elite,
punish the powerless.
It’s enough to make you want to burn the whole thing down,
watch the hypocrisy implode,
and drink bitterly while doing it.

Ordinary people like you, like me, like anyone without money
or influence
get crushed for the tiniest misstep.
One wrong ****, one minor infraction, and
suddenly the full force of the legal-industrial complex comes down on your head.
It’s obscene,
infuriating,
and soul-crushing.
And once those probation
*****
thought police
get forced onto your life ,
say good bye to all your rights and any semblance of privacy.
They come in your home !
Cuff you
ransack your daughter's ***** drawer
sniff pan­ties
and strut around judging you
because you  ARE  poor.
You are poor too,   dumb fk !
Even if you have a big boat , 5 cars whatever that aint even close to being rich, not Trump or Epstein or Elon or Bezos or Zuckerberg rich.

Red flags blazing in neon:
O j Simpson,
Michael Jackson, ( all those dying cancer kids molested for years on end !)
Cosby,
R. Kelly,
Epstein
Etc. Ad infinitum

Money and power
deciding outcomes, not justice.
Epstein’s “13 months” for literally running a child **** island? Insane, revolting, and painfully obvious.

It’s not just gross it’s systemic.
You watch the rich and connected skate through crimes that would crush ordinary people, and the whole idea of believing in “justice” collapses.
The pattern is there for anyone with eyes:
money bends the system,
power shields predators,      like **** Trump !
and the rest of us are left watching the horror show unfold
while the guilty smirk
from their leather, scotch infused, cigar smoke , corner offices.

The fact that it’s so obvious makes it even more infuriating.
It’s like everyone knows the rules are rigged,
but we’re all still expected to pretend otherwise.

Seeing that st and realizing it stands,
that the rich, predatory, and self-serving can walk free
while the rest of us struggle.
it crushes any sense of justice or hope.
Why bother trying?
Why work,
obey laws,
care about morality,
or fight for progress i
f the entire system is a hideous lie propped up by power, money, and  endless corruption?

It’s soul-crushing,
enraging,
and utterly demoralizing,
because the scale of the betrayal is ubiquitous
it’s not just one a@#hole,
it’s a whole network of privilege and impunity that tells you:

“Don’t even think about it, the game has always been rigged,
and you  ARE  irrelevant.”

Go back and pull those turnips ...Serf .. the castle is hosting another ball....

Maga makes your stomach turn
and your brain short-circuit at the same time.

****** Express,
( That was Epstein's *** pink private jet if you didn't know.)
Multiple flights
at least 7 Trump is on the flight logs of.,
meeting and banging the
Carmen San Diego look-a-like contest winner,
Costco skeleton *****,
sock puppet
'Greatest First Lady in History'
                 Melania,
there....                    while
helping fund Epstein…
it’s all part of that sick, predatory, rich-people playground
that’s documented and recorded.
The receipts aren’t just rumors they’re on record,
verified, and floating
everywhere online.

It’s horrifying, enraging, and surreal at the same time. The sheer scale of
corruption,
abuse,
and moral bankruptcy in that orbit is like
watching a nightmare in ultra-HD with commentary from the  Satan himself.

Trump is the ultimate parasite,
  bloated  and still  milking the last drops of gullible religious idiots
like some monstrous cash cow,
giving zero f's about anyone
not his kids,
not the country,
not reality itself.

Epstein was his only real Bestie you know.
Murdered?
Yeah, the conspiracy isn’t even subtle anymore.

Elon? Can’t even deal with the Taco Manatee  without lethal kidney and liver debilitating levels of Ketamine.
His so called zombie trash bag wife?     Nope.
**** stars?  Nerp. They won’t touch him anymore  because everyone knows he’s a deadbeat  that doesn't pay,
forcing lawsuits after lawsuits just to get a sliver of accountability. The man is literally the embodiment of every
entitled,
******,
New York
Country Club
******
predator
Rich
stereotype
rolled into one
always has been above the law
orange-faced
daddy will  fix  it
nightmare.

It’s terrifying, ludicrous, and enraging.
The way he manipulates systems, people, and the media while leaving destruction  like Jan  6th  deaths in his  ******  chickky nug nug  wake .

It’s reality horror show level.
What will the history books be  allowed  to say  ?

Trump, tariffs,
are  math depraved isolationist fantasies
he might as well have been trying to run a lemonade stand with a desert for inventory.

America doesn’t produce st anymore.
Real tech?
Manufacturing? Nope.
It’s all outsourced, shipped out, while we sit here exporting Tay Tay videos,
But K-pop is gonna take that from us too. Idiots,
****** Marvel Disney G rated B-movies, inculcate the lazy
and whatever **** passes for “culture.”

If this keeps up, in a few decades we won’t even be a world power we’ll be the world’s bleach-blonde, fake-***** TikTok Cam girl *******,
churning out narcissism and pop trash while other countries build infrastructure, tech, and real power off child slave labor
engineering a way to brain wash us to accept our kids being next . Prolly a Jesus A.I. the red hats force into schools.
Every tariff,
every “America first” speech,
just covers up the fact that the engine of production left years and years ago with the Reagan Era tax cuts
and all we’ve got left is entertainment, consumption, ****, underage cam girls    ( our daughters )
ideological chaos and
piles of dead kids with NRA stickers on their lunch boxes
blocking the busses only lanes
in front of their boarded up schools
while the new Mega arena p­lays bikini ****** on the ultra Jumbotron in between penalty flags
while brain dead 3 channel havin trailer park daddy gets drunk again,
and cries about the liberals turnin all the frogs gay !­.

Dear 2020,


   “I know that this is going to be the last letter. Things have gotten worse, so much worse, and I know that I will disappear like I was never there. I never affected anyone much, really, I just got in the way, and caused people shame. I’ve caused myself shame. I’ve done all the wrong things, and I know that now I am a burden on my family. They have all gotten tenser since I was diagnosed. They have gotten angrier, now they fight more than they ever used to. I am such a burden on them. They don’t need me, all I do is disappear into my room and try to pray for God to **** me in my sleep or something, which obviously isn’t working. I’ve brought everyone's mood down. I’m sorry if I had seemed promising before, I will have never had much of a life at this rate and I know Sean can be”

   I don’t know what else to say. I believe in it all, except for the part about this being the last letter, but if I had written to you last night like I was going to then this is probably what I would have said. I instead used a crisis text line, which helped… for a while.
   I don’t like coming home anymore. I don’t think Connor, and the rest of them could understand, when it’s not abuse or anything, it’s just so unhappy here. Everything is tense, and it doesn’t feel like a home anymore. I am yelled at so much, and cut so little slack.
   I am eating again… way too much. And I’ve… found another razor head. After all that digging in my bathroom, I knew I would. But if I’ll use it… Oh, I know I probably will. Having my body hurt takes my mind off of my heart, which is why I also like P.E. Even know, with my hand wrapped up, I earn so much sympathy at school when Connor is really the only one who knows what really happened to it. Well, Connor, my parents, and you.
   I really don’t think my parents love me anymore. They had loved a tomboy, with long hair, extroverted, with skills at writing and drawing and who didn’t care whether people hated her or loved her. I am feminine, with a boy’s haircut that I don’t like to brush, introverted, with anorexic tendencies and no passion or skills at anything at all. And yet somehow my broken, hurting self-attracts people. Overall of my years in elementary school, three people had confessed their feelings for me. In this year alone, it has been five. What hurts is knowing that even those who I do like back I could never be a worthy partner for. The chance of my dying, lashing out at them, or simply deciding to ignore them as an isolationist technique to be happy is much too high, which is why only two of them like me now.
   I’m so tired. All the time. Even when I take naps (for instance today I fell asleep at Walmart) I am still extremely tired. I think I am just tired of being here. I want to go home. I say this a lot to myself, although I don’t really know where I mean by home. I think I mean this third dimension, one I’ve thought up myself. It’s the place I go when I sleep, or when I’ in my room by myself for a long time doing nothing. Sometimes when I say I want to go home I mean that I want to die, so that I could live in that third dimension forever. I would really like that.
   It’s called the third dimension because if my actual house is the first dimension, and school is the second, then that is the third. The rest of my world (Walmart, the castle, etc.) is just surrounding fabric of the first (and largest) dimension. But when I don’t want to be either at home or school, I want to go to the third dimension. Which is like death, and can be rarely mimicked from one of the other dimension. And even if I am homeschooled next year, I will not be able to escape the first dimension. So I need, and want, the third.


That is all I have to say, really, except that I am thinking of posting these letters on my Hello Poetry page, since I will never read them in 2020, and perhaps someone will find that I am relatable. Or stupid.


Love always,


Hollin

Some days it want to crawl in a
Corner and die
Of crying too much.
Some days I want to think
That the world does not exist around
Me
And that my heartbeat is
My heartbeat that beats
Like a free eagle in the sky.
Alone.
Some days I want to listen to my own thoughts
And say nothing to no one
Because I'm listening to my head
Phones and not saying nothing
To no one.
And I'm alone
In isolation.
Some days
I want to be alone,
Listening to myself
And wondering if the world
Exists.

Opens his cabinet of curiosity,
The scent of the planet wafts into the air.
He places each fragrance in immaculate order and condition.
Such earthen delights, encapsulated, distilled into a jar of souls.
No fingerprint left on the glass.

He takes his next stride over the sandy shores of his home,
The tide ebbs and flows,
Ray of light from above to down below,
Photon mapping the sun,
Diffising light into a lens flare.
Its trajectory directing to his hands,
Wardrobe slides open with the touch of a finger.
A library of monochrome, an archive of black and white, a collection of minimalism, an array of simplicity.
Rustic are the belongings of the terrestrial,
But lavish are the ornaments of the collector.
Embellished walls juxtaposed against endless skies,
Terrariums: isolationist preservation, and Forest: organically flourishing.
Miniscule minutiae, subtlety in nuance, a paranoid finesse.
The speed of the natural world,
to be constantly refined and delved within.
This is his work.

The fool headed out with his heart
Checked over his shoulder for time
He wore a cigarette apart
And witnessed a rhyme
Quickened steps on New York streets
Greetings with a shaky hand
He says, “I fancy myself a deadbeat,
Nobody understands"

The fool played for his life in a bar
Stuttered every line with tension
He was everybody’s car
He worked for the pension
A mind of a kinetic brand
An isolationist caress
What's ****** into his hands
May put him among the rest

He’d be a shell to sell what is on his mind
But it’d be so bold if he sold his thoughts and time
Are the crows encumbered on his twitching tail?
Or were you so cruel to hang them up in hail?

He quickly made a tune for a boon
A derelict with a short fuse
The vain throw pity at the loons,
Who are their muse
Looking for a piece of a mind
Anything but his own
Travels in time, just to find
He can dine on the throne alone

The foil flailing on the wall
Fooling him to wail and write
Then the train of a mind stalls
Into the ceaseless night
“Write me well and write me to love”
The papers on the bookshelf say
Won’t you push them when they come to shove,
And seize that day?

You’d be a shell to sell to sell what is on your mind
But you’d be so bold if you sold your thoughts and time
Are the crows encumbered on your twitching tail?
Did the gabardines’ golden boy finally fail?

You desperately wanted to be sought
Yet you did not want to hang off the peak with a knot
Maybe you will try to linger on
And scream in streets when every chance is gone

Contact can be a good thing
To me sometimes bitter
I'm an isolationist
In California
Me, the hounds,
And grampies old trigger.

CORTÉS
            How now? What’s the debate?

AGUILAR                                              The­ Inquisition:
            It’s linked itself with tethers to our church,
            Like two, aloof, reluctant mountaineers.
            I fear, when that unholy office trips,
            And plummets in the popular regard,
            Its drop down estimation’s precipice
            Will pull down our religion in its tow.

OLMEDO
            We cavil, boys, as if there were two Spains.

CORTÉS
            One good, one evil?

OLMEDO                              Not so simple. Yet,
            One, global-bent, one isolationist,
            One liberal, one counter to reform,
            One, eyeing Greece, one stirring with the Moors,
            Who, like the fatal twins of Oedipus,
            Will not consent to reign in tandem more,
            But rather wound each other mortally.
            In Europe, there’s a word in currency:
            Renaissance- It is not a Spanish word,
            And there’s a reason.

CORTÉS                                And it is?

OLMEDO                                               Some flaw
            In Spain’s own character that’s culpable-
            Catholic fanaticism, feverish pride,
            Or warped deliriums of vanity.
            We thought we were the new elect of God,
            Mistook our patriotic egoism
            For fealty to the church. Hence, our divorce
            And isolation from the rest of Europe.

CORTÉS
            No, it’s not Spain, not Catholics, nor our race,
            But frailties of the human constitution,
            Which frequently reverse the gains achieved
            By previous generations, in the name
            Of progress, culture, and civility.                          Trumpet is heard.
            A parley sounds! See what those Mayas want.

I do not relate well
I have no relationships
do not relate well
I have no relations
I'm trying to catch my breath
cancelling my membership
from this sad human race
I don't fit in

Here in my frail skin
I find no comfort
nobody sees me
no one comes 'round
I have a history
checkered past misery
perhaps it's best to
be left alone

Sometimes I'm thinking
maybe I'll reach out
it's all well-wishing
nevermind now
who is an ally?
who is a lover?
I have dwelled long here
no hand to hold

And I'm old, yes I'm old
in this unkind school enrolled
taking notes, I suppose
that some day I'll find a hope
to express the longing in my soul
to some kind lady then
and it's not salvation I seek
in a person, but a friend

when will someone finally say
that they LIKE being quarantined?

There must be somebody -
anchorite,
stylite,
monastic,
isolationist,
people who would rather stay six light years
than six feet apart.

Tell me how impossibly far away from me
you want to be, baby;
ooh, yeah, I'm getting unexcited.

The concept of the Bell Jar is fascinating. To anyone who has been through depression and read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, you know just how accurate her metaphor is. You know that the bell jar is palpable. It’s like a hot, sticky air that floats around you wherever you go. It is your own exhalation that you inhale. Your own stench that you live in. The air in the bell jar that you hate is in reality, you. 

Plath claims that when the depression has gone, one will find the bell jar has been “lifted”. I agree with this sentiment, but I believe there are multiple ball jars. Forces that limit and harm us. Some are collectively shared ones that we all live in, such as the bell jar of the patriarchy. Some are more individual. I also believe that bell jars can transform. Mine lifted after depression, just as Plath said it would, but it left a residue. A bubble that I can easily come in and out of. It is not as inherently harmful, but it is innately isolationist. Unless I make conscious effort, my bubble Kees me in my own thoughts, separated from others. Sometimes I like my bubble. I don’t find it stifling in any way and the colorful glow of the soap under light is rather beautiful. When I make human connection, however, I stick my head out of the bubble, albeit temporarily. I get to breathe some fresh air and experience life more clearly. It is a gift to me when I am able to take part in meaningful human connection, even ones as simple as a “good morning” (meaningful is not synonymous with complex).

The following binary raw bits
hither and yon to and fro flits
across eyes of unknown reader
handsomely buzzfeeding
dining viz fancy feast
donning while trumpeting
microscopic mitts.

Though yours truly
a zany, wimpy, tiny, and puny
(smaller than a breadbox)
modest nonestablishmentarian Ogre,
whereat my portable minuscule
fingerhut size adobe abode
exposed to Strunk and White raw
grammatical elements of style,
I counted Flip (Wilsonian) view,
to camouflage myself anytime
and anywhere as significant advantage.

The obvious downside
(i.e. severe limitations to pull off
major coup) forced me to axe
paunches pilot while taking a chopper
if I van nah miniaturize daring deed
(done dirt cheap) reconfigured,
retouched, recorded by Das scribe
named Magnum Opus.

Indeed, this chance to go long (equivalent
of Olympic gold) foretold godaddy peering
into granule size barren crystal ball.

Preliminary steps undertaken
to pull off impossible mission;
mo' difficult than a blind man
taking eighty steps to Jonah
infiltrating 70+ shades of gray area
prime Donald Trump real estate.

A priority prevailed to act on
the QT (q-tip) lest cover get blown,
and suspicious communique encrypted
to hire globe trotting henchmen.

Urgency spurred daring deed,
cuz targeted subject in question
majority population counted
as debouched, delirious, and
demonstrably dangerous
demagogue, in short a "FAKE"
forty fifth president!

Security details
(like stray cats on the prowl),
could sniff out ploy to re
program depraved, deranged,
and detached supposed Master
at helm, you Jesse and wait.

His audacity, effrontery,
and isolationist iffy
Oscar the grouch ideology
placed him squarely as half baked
cookie monstrosity against
former United States Commander in Chief.

First order of business necessitated
tranquilizing this doughty, haughty
enemy of the Lumpenproletariat!

Renown chemist friends of mine
(actually Civil War tin
effervescent bubble buddies)
alias Diet Coke and/or Diet Pepsi
secured an ampule Taj Mahal
~ circa 1631 vintage.

One ampule viz pill
could knock out a giant –
sans, Jack and the beanstalk fame.

No ifs, and or bots, the secret
got pulled off without spilling
figurative (jelly) beans.

Once inside auditory labyrinth,
I immediately noticed striking
deus ex machina ***** rioting
resemblance to microscopic cave.

Now follows non sequitur
with rhyme nor reason.

A thick baad a$$ sieve sludge
(vaguely resembling cerumen in consistency)
re: gooey pseudo pulpy secreted material
suctioned courtesy resultant ****** mess
in a near futile attempt
to separate Siamese sistahs
said substance issuing forth
after surgeons meticulous incisions
qualify as unsung heroes
as does illogical senseless segue way
into riff about
Def Leppard amputee drummer
Rick Allen brutally attacked
by human rabid beastie boy
posed an initial dilemma,
which audioslave solution
entailed collaboration to build
a toothpick fence.

Pensiveness unexpectedly found
unwitting subject trying
to comprehend gibberish
attempting to pass muster
as supreme poetic literature
said unsuspecting reader
reflexively scratching, poking,
and jabbing inadvertently
gesticulating at mine doppelganger
finding him listening
for subsequent instructions
from ground zero.