If I could...
I would have the

long
looong
looooong

s
k
i
n
n
y

legs of a model,

A TINY

   tiny

     t

   iny

WAIST,

beautiful hands

(to wear those byooooootiful RINGS),

and flowy, wavvvvvy locks.

I could wear any sunglasses I wanted

(not just the ones with nose pads)

And still look modest in shorts.

I could be a bit taller,

taller than this

FIVE

FOOT

FRAME

and still look good

in peeptoe

l o
u  bo
u    ti
n     sssss.

I would have glowing

smoooooooooooth skin.

BUT

Despite

wishingwishingwishing

for the perfect body

I still love my

palm-sized lumps,

my blemished spotted uneven skin,

my thick thighs,

and my ugly hands.

At least I can wear high heels

to make me

TALLER.

I just want to be with you daddy
I wish they would understand
I wish they could see who I really am, and not as the person they think I am
Please just come and take me with you!!
Please! ..... Dad please
Mom won't even listen to me anymore!!
She doesn't even care to hear.
I'm not the person everyone is setting me out to be
I'm not my past mistakes...
Your the only one who understands ME!
AND SHE TOOK YOU AWAY!
She robbed me of the time that we could have had.
It's amazing how you can be surrounded an still feel alone....
I remember the first night how it felt when all of a sudden you werent iny life....... I remember HATING God for "letting her push you away" I remember when all of a sudden you wernt there to sing me lulabys, when the books you used to spend hours reading to me had been torn and ripped up from throwing them against the wall.
I remember waking up screaming your name..
Yet no I only wish for you here with me
Just to be where you are
Your the only one who actually listens to me in my family.
Without cheaking your phone while I speak.
I just wish you were here
I'm so lonely

During different journey's you come to different obstacles in your pathway.
Faced with indecision, which way is the best?
Is the most challenging question that you find yourself asking.
Iny-miny-mini-mo used to be a strategy that worked for me.
But when I came to this crossroad that would not do.
So I sat and,
Watched the clouds change as the birds swirled in the air warning all of the storm on the horizon.
Watched as the hands moved around the clock face.
Watched as the numbers changed, seconds, minutes, hours, days, months.
My heart has been captured but I grabbed it back.
Both have entered my dreams.
One welcoming,
One silent.
Who would of thought that I'd miss you even though I don't know you?
Who would of thought I would miss you even though I know I can't have you?
Who would of thought I would crave you when I've only spoken to you twice.
Who would of thought I would of craved you when I've set you free?
Who would of thought that you only came to guide me closer to God and then left having done your mission?
Who would of thought that I only met you to plant a seed within you?
Who would of thought that the first time that you acknowledged me was the last time I would of seen you?
Who would of thought that I would fall in love with you?
Who would of thought two men so different could be so similar and would of had similar impacts on my heart?
But once again I sit down and observe.
Within the silence I enjoy the scenes that are played out before me.

Wrestling until exhaustion.

I run miles, never taking a step

Here I go again
Listening to the rain fall
Spiraling into my own mind
Reaching past my sanity
Drawing out the darkness
Basking in it as if it were light
My past looks like a crime scene
Too much bloodshed and anger
With a suspect who shows no remorse
I hide behind that pretty little smile
Running on that gleam iny eyes
I pull on those clothes to hide my scars
Uh oh I see that, yes that right there
You are looking at me like a wounded puppy
As if I'm merely a broken doll
Sorry to disappoint you hunnie.
I will not be tamed nor shall you repair me
You can climb over all the walls you want
My heart is a dead end maze
It doesn't not make a path to the center
Just winds you around until you're lost too
Please don't come any closer
I will reach out to help you but I'll still fall
I'll pull you back onto the sandy shore
While I drown beneath it all
It is okay my dear do not cry for
You can still find mr past my sanity
There I have the release I crave most
Knowing here not even I can hurt myself
Nor can I bring harm to those I love
So here I go once again
As the thunder rolls in and the lights dim
I'm basking in the brightest darkness
The darkness from within

I'm finally happy
Never thought I would
It happened
And now I see bright
But yet still have a lighter
I'm not as violent as I was
I fount what I wanted
I never been so happy iny life
She said yes after saying no
But now I have so much hope
Now  I'm happy

I know I haven't kept in touch
Carino I'm going through so much
I miss those all nighters with you
Just know I'm stuck like glue
Whenever you're feeling blue
I'm right there beside you
Remember my heart remains
Your soul ran through my vains
Settled in and called it home
Hasn't left still lives their alone
Through you I grew never knew
Had no clue but it's true
Thank you for this blessing
Always & Forever imy ily iny

What way is the way
                 to go?
Thinking about death
                 morose ?
Or is it prescience
                planning?
To die how and why?

What improbable event
                 possible(Eventual)
can call my undertaking
                 this event,
Fire , gunshot, heart
                 attack!
C ** king uh on *****
                 *****
regurgitates into  my esoph-
                  agus.
Whilst a nightmare turns into re-
                  al(ity+)        
Not one to shudder
                  i stroke
(genius) all of us to our dest-
                  iny.

I have many letters for my Daughter..
Not in paper,
Not in pen,
I have many letters for my daughter...
In my head,
Written with soul,
These are life long letters..
As I grew, as she grew,
These are words I never said,
Never spoke,
Because I was never taught to use my voice,
And this does not excuse me,
Not at all,
Not for my ignorance,
But it wasn't so much ignorance,
It was more lack of knowing love that I never got,
I tried to raise my daughter to know the love I never had,
All the meanwhile also learning as a grown woman but feeling like a child,
An adult in numbers,
But a child still in life, a child raising a child,
All alone without my other half,
I have letters for my daughter,
They come in poetry,
They come in rhymes,
But I hold them until she's old enough to understand my silence wasn't lack of love,
Just a space for me to try to formulate all my letters in a coherent type of line,
And now my mind is changing,
Because I have seen all the fine lines that mark my mother's face,
All the silence that she held,
It wasn't lack of love or lack of voice,
It was lack of understanding what she wasn't shown,
I now live in that same shadow,
I'm trying to break a family curse,
But I have letters for my daughter scrambled iny brain,
Between my learning,
Between my ache,
Between my silence,
And my age,
I tried to raise my daughter with the words I never heard,
I always told her that I loved her,
And gave her kisses goodnight before bed at 9 o'clock,
She's now a little older,
And the sun don't shine out my ***,
She calls me on my faults,
They sting,
But I'm not angry at the truths,
I know I wasn't perfect,
I never claimed I was,
But at least I know I'm trying I think she knows that too,
But for now I'll hold these letters..
All my jumbled truth,
And there's a lot about me she doesn't know,
I don't try to overshadow her pain with my pain,
But just like the mother I resented I finally understand the truth,
That everything she held onto was all the ugly she never wanted me to hurt,
I have all these letters for my daughter,
Not in paper,
Not in pen,
One day all these tight bound letters will make sense to her some day