Oh' if I could speak the language of his atraction

With a generosity of exchange in bounteous metaphors

Yes and let him be the quality of my oppression

For there is a torture about my words when put to voice

They search for plausible reasons as is such cannot be found

And yet I have a trouble governing my generous impulses

Oh' the inaudible corruption that is my mind, hoping, wishing

Begging for a prosperity of possibilities that will vanquish tears

That I with moral perspectives should  bind a mutuality between us

Invalidating my inadequacies thus find a resolution not in artiface

But in a charmed and beautiful way that shall be the essence of love

Without a prodigality of thought, but each for each, in solemnity of kiss

Lauryn Hill is going to jail for not paying her taxes,
a fate that would surely befall us all if caught.

She argued to the judge that since her ancestors
were slaves, our economic system was imposed
on her against her will, invalidating her burden.

Pay your ******* taxes, you ignorant bigot.
When your ancestors started making money,
they started owing taxes.  This is a feature of
society called "equality."

The first power of the Sphinx
is Knowledge.

Science, philosophy, and religion
are the Holy Trinity;
        once a singular discipline,
        broken today into Three
                over differences in
                epistemology:

the First is a narrow window
into empirical space;

        the Following a flexible framework
        in conceptual space;

                the Final, all-encompassing
                on the stage of the soul;

                        neither invalidating
                        nor undermining each other,
                        but Checking and Balancing.

Facts are interpretations;
theories are stories;
storytelling, myth;
myth, the key to Knowledge.

To Know is to conceive.
To conceive is to objectify,
but far from objective:

We understand
what we invent.

                        "All things are Known.
                        What shall we do
                        with what we Know?" ¬

When curiosity is not slain,
but permitted in the vacuum
of the eternal Question,

Then are the journey
and the journeyer
initiated.

The moon's glow holds nothing special tonight,
As someone so brilliant glimmers before my eyes.
It is captivating the way green eyes sparkle in moonlight,
The way rosy lips lightly release quiet sighs.

I am transported to other places, when there I gaze,
And you remain at my side wherever I roam.
You peel away the pain that has lingered like a haze,
Deciding that you will never leave me alone.

And on quiet nights, when there are no sounds in the air,
My mind wanders to the holder of my love.
Ponders green eyes that mesmerize as they stare,
Invalidating the glowing moon above.

I close my eyes on those quiet nights, and you appear,
Existing beside me to calm my shaking form.
Your embrace vanquishing my fear,
Calming this tumultuous storm.

i'm sorry
that i don't fit
your definition of male.

i'm sorry
i don't have testosterone
running rampant in my veins
i'm sorry
i don't have a bulge
like the mound on a hill
i'm sorry
i don't have a flat chest
acceptable enough to expose in the summer

i'm sorry
you can't begin to understand my heart
before judging my body.
i'm sorry
you were raised to define a man
by what's in his pants.
i'm sorry
you would rather spend your life
invalidating me
and so many others
than open the doors
that beg for a chance

but i
am just as much of a man
as the next guy.

but sometimes i get sick of it all -
fighting
trying
i'm just done with trying
to get people to listen
instead of invalidating
my opinions even before
they actually hear me out

I look back at all I wrote about the boy who played baseball. Who had three dogs, now four. Who was the only boy out of four sisters. Who says "God isn't real" because he lost his dad at age 12. Who was so handsome.

We've been apart for a year or so and I couldn't be happier. I hope he's happy too. He's in college now, the college I'm going to in August; funny how things work out.

But I don't miss him. I haven't missed him in a long, long time.

I remember when I thought that I loved him. That he was the one. That because he told me we were going to get married one day, that actually were.

I never loved him the way you love the one. But I did love him, in a way. I don't regret him breaking up with me. I only regret telling him "it's okay" through choked sobs and invalidating my feelings. I regret hating him for so long for breaking my heart then trying to date one of my best friends not even three months later.
I shouldn't have been mad, not really.

But now, since the summer, I realized what I had been missing for years. That my best friend---funny, strange, sweet, blonde mop top---was the one I'm supposed to be with. Maybe I'm being naive and getting ahead of myself, thinking that he is the one. Maybe I too easily think people are the one. But this love I have never experienced before, and it's so magical.

Maybe this one will end up in flames like every other one.
Maybe this one will end up with a queen sized mattress and sweet love-making in mid-morning.
I can't see the future, but God, I wish I would have stopped ******* around and asked him out years ago. Instead of dancing around each other; snuggling, holding hands, napping together, for years. Knowing that I liked him, but was too afraid to act.

I was so dumb.
I am still so dumb.
But I couldn't be happier with how life is right now.

In a world far far away from ours, I like to envision the people there. The beings, there. How they feel things, if at all. And how they express themselves. If they feel what’s right and what’s wrong, or if they know what forgiveness is, or if they even have a need for it. And if they do, how is it painted across their faces? Is it ugly? Or is it understood?

If they are able to understand the forgiveness, how do they express it? Through words, actions, being quiet, or taking no action at all? And if so, how stagnant does their love become once the ugliness of their forgiveness becomes quiet as snow?

Or maybe it’s the opposite. Maybe they have no desire for forgiveness because their wrongs don’t amount to rights, or their rights to their wrongs. How beautiful must that feel? What we all would give to feel flawless inside of our morals, never taking for granted the misery we fill ourselves up with just by misunderstanding forgiveness.

In that world so far, far away, how are apologies painted? Or have they all collectively come to the conclusion that they should not need to apologize for the space between our worlds, and we should not need to forgive them for it, simply because it was created that way.

It feels so immeasurably invalidating to confront the fact that we are as simple as children until the day that we die, and every day until then, we dress up in our suits and ties and parade the idea of forgiveness,

just hoping that we can become a martyr for it.

I see overreaction
You see red

You see: "you've broken a promise, watched it with
another boy"
I see: "I was lonely and wanted to watch
a movie we'd planned to watch together on my couch"

I see: turn over and slowly drift to sleep
with my love by my side
You see: you're being distant, now I feel alone
and hurt

You see: I smoked without him Thursday night,
that's so disrespectful of me
I see: you enjoying time with friends while I need
a night in alone

I see: you walk out of the galleria after saying
cattily: "I'll take those keys now"
You see: me hurting you, being inconsiderate, invalidating
your feelings

You see: the silent treatment
I see: you slowly inch away from me with each
passerby

I see: myself trying to understand why you feel so
intensely about this, why you believe me (by some default setting)
to be driven by self-interest; general inconsideration
You see: me invalidating you

You see: me as someone who can't see what I contribute
to the struggle
I see: you continue to question my awareness and intent

I see: clarifying questions, then my own defensiveness
because I am being accused of intent I never had
You see: your feelings invalidated and me being
defensive

I see: you assuming the worst
You see: what you want to see

I wrote it on my wrists one year
and then again in the powder of pain pills.

and once more inside bottles
of dark whiskey that made me forget.

Since then I have not been close to a knife
without it feeling too heavy.

Since then I have not been
able to stomach medicine.

Since then the alcohol doesn’t
go down the same.
Just makes my eyes ache
and my chest feel heavy
the intoxication isn’t fun anymore.
just a warm nostalgia
of why I started it in the first place

Even upon running away
I am reminded of it.
Even upon coping
I am reminded of it.

In the steady up and down of my breathing-
I hear yours in my ear.

In the weight of cloth upon my skin I feel them there.

So what am I to do?
When you still ruin me
from the inside.

What am I to do?
When my own father
is invalidating at every corner.

What am I to ******* do
When his Facebook comments
are thrown into my face
as he uses the word “molestation” as an insult
as something I should be ashamed of
as something that doesn’t happen but only to deface men.

What am I do to do?
When around every corner
I am reminded of what they’ve done to me?

I. Keep. *******. Walking.

Please don’t beat me up.

While you are entitled to feel however you're gonna feel,
you don't get to beat me up because you've decided that
I came for you with malintent when I didn't.

I come from a place of love.
I'm intentional about my words,
tone and intent.
I am aware.

Give me grace.
Give me the benefit of the doubt.
Understand your past, present.
Understand mine.

If I say something that has upset you,
just because you feel I am being judgmental,
doesn’t mean that I am being judgmental.

Our feelings and reactions do not
necessarily (and often are not)
accurate depictions of reality.

That's how you feel.
Figure out whatever it is that
has you feeling hurt.

It probably has more
to do with you than it does with me.  

When I defend myself from accusations,
it’s because I know my own heart. And
I want to protect it.

When I defend myself from accusations,
I am not invalidating your feelings.

Feel the **** outta your feelings.

Just,

please don’t beat me up.

you say you have all the answers
that you had all the right reasons
to leave me stranded
that you had no choice
maybe even that it was all me
that it was all my fault

but you don't know ****
you just want to validate
yourself for invalidating me
you just want to prove
that in this struggle for love
you were the victim

but you don't know ****
victims aren't the ones walking away
or the ones behind the bullet
or words
victims don't play with feelings
victims don't break hearts or **** souls

your only answer is to prove
how you had your reasons
but your reasons don't justify
a ****** of sorts
or playing me and leaving me to die
or telling me you love me
only to prove it a lie

at this very moment i've accepted
love can beautify so many pains
invalidating feelings
shredding in silence of my being
it isn't always the romance on different pages
yet the denial i've finally learnt
heartbreaks can also come from parents.

Dispense sing with fidelity blithely agog
just me and mine dark shadow
slinking along the edge of night doth blog
passivity, the path of least resistance ohm my dog,
shocking voltage surges an emphatic YES,
verboten fruit adrip with succulent juices as eggnog,
a legitimately valid reason and rhyme to flog
reprobate yours truly figuratively emasculate,
thee catchword to extricate
being emotionally hogtied
warrants immediate attention,
regarding consummating series
of prurient disadvantageous
née self destructive events.
  
The best idea to expound upon,
while attempting creative
exuding genital intonations to jog
all mein kampf, I felt like a bump on a log
please... don't be hesitant
not to reserve judgement
towards this miscreant husband
whom identifies himself
as a dirt Poe imp of the pervert
analogous to rumpelstiltskin fable

whereby Lothario wannabe
boasts stud deed fallaciousness,
whose noggin of mine shaped as an egghead
topped off with pinhead blocked nog,
one aging long haired pencil neck geek
never reached maturity forever a pollywog
until froggy went a courtin'
into marital quagmire
woody ******* did slog.

More clearly, plainly and succinctly,
one sniveling poor excuse for masculinity,
(and upstanding laughingstock
regarding spindleshanks),
I continually experience
unrepentant (unforgivable) humility,
hence lame justification
Matthew Scott Harris
sought adultery, cuckoldry, effrontery...,
which unwise choices attempted
(pun intended) to fill a void
****** propensity linkedin with precepts

attributed courtesy Sigmund Freud,
though skepticism skirted
shirked getting caught red handed
sneaky shenanigans employed
barenaked lady ******* psychoanalysis
downplayed, or Oedipus complex
shrugged off Fountainhead (heavier imposition
versus Atlas) fails to bridge
(do not as Kwai)
any heavy mettle alloyed
within me psyche, and windmills of my mind.

Handy dandy blues clues
existential mid life crisis
lacked absolute zero justification
why yours truly fraught
with hormonal secretion
embarked on warpath for concupiscence
gallivanting foot loose and fancy free
sabotaged matrimonial covenant,
whereby I regularly posted and answered
personal classified advertisement
with popular Craigslist website,
thus no surprise when presto digitation,
I met gal headquartered in Coatesville;

she drove to Evansburg State Park
rearing to tame bucking bronco (me)
quashing, invalidating, contravening...
conjugal contractual obligation
renting asunder mine vocalized vow
to remain faithful thru thick and/or thin
seeking alternative ******* opportunity
feeble minded excuse
regarding irreconcilable differences
a vague catchall phrase
antithetical contrary to pledged troth,
embarking on maiden voyage
nsync with barenaked lady
partaking moist and meaty tender vittles.

I feebly attempted to compensate  
for dearth of absent teenage
Ninja mutant turtles
reptile brain and brawn bravado
investigated dating app experiences,
thus violated wedded vow think tryst
I yearned, trended and jump/kick started
Casanova paramour wannabe
years later subsequently regretted philandering
utterly disgusted at my illicit behavior
and negligence neglecting
attentiveness to offspring and spouse
forswore doting upon then
high school age daughters,
rightfully thee eldest one

(born 12/22/1996) still ******
and compromised paternal priority spawning
selfish prurient dalliances,
I das scribe, how now brown cow objectionable
frolicking courtesy Sly And The Family Stone
payback a *****, cuz feel in funky (flunky) mood,
verses when scads of Earth orbitz ago,
he profusely kissed
mouth of other voluptuous
(zoftig) older women
(consensually, flatteringly, indiscriminately)
and amazingly, kindly, thankfully... enough
in due time spouse did willingly insist

to forgive, boot never forget
long since discounting divorce from wife
nevertheless, remaining thermally uncoupled
mandated unconditional armistice
eventually note hissed
matter of fact I dreamt
(earlier today May twenty ninth
two thousand and twenty two), the gist
regarding soldier of self made misfortune
toying and tinkering harming self
casually eyed sharp pointed objects
offered especial attraction

pondering hoop fully connive fist
(cuffed) around handles of cutlery
at primal, gonadal, and brutal predilections
now... finding very little reason to exist,
hence understandably dissed
(until death do me part)
unbridled love and apology
toward thee missus and progeny,
who forever did blacklist
writ blood ginned curse with barbs.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder,
thus very little paternal (filial) love expressed
and she chose to live yonder
Oakland, California her temporary dwelling
no matter, her papa blatantly confessed depravity
YES, more'n his eye did wonder.

At present petty coated junction
non petty irreparable schism
doth rank as horrendous
on par me adopting fascism
forever sullied image ("daddy's girl"),
who once thought the world of me
selfish misdeeds buzzfeeding swelling egoism
no more how enlightened I became

ex post facto, pure unconditional acceptance
refracted light risqué behavior thru prism
where primary parental accountability
not satisfactorily explained away courtesy
Darwinism (to con seed genes), nor chauvinism,
whereby ever since time immemorial
repentance will forever be belabored
by me flagrantly disregarding monogamy
courtesy hardened libido
making mockery and travesty marital covenant.

Straight Culture is sexualizing femboys and invalidating trans women
in the same breath....

The gangsters of Crimson
tell us please about this Doubts malarkey
oh you Guvnor of the Eat End Mob

ye Gotcha, come listen..matey

we ain't Crooks, Con-artists and Extortioners for nothing
we are smart cookies, been in this game all our lives
listen matey, hear me
know what we said, slander is the main leveler
That patsy we have the contract on
the man is as straight as dye
innocent as the day is born
never did a thing wrong, no dirt did we find on him
decent nice upright upstanding fellow
as nice as apple pie and iced cream

But he had the gull to diss our trade
yes we are thieves and crooks and all time rotters
but he said he would expose us after we robbed the ******
others don't say ****, just claim insurance and shut their gob
but not this sunshine, the ****** called us out
he din't pay protection money
then moaned when we rob him blind, now he gets the treatment
don't mess with the Guvnor ye Mr Righteous

We have ways, first thing is to discredit the ******
its Character assassination, public humiliation, we ruin his life
so we slandered him from here to Timbuktu or where the darkies are
we told high tales and hyped the hell outta that patsy
you know how good the ******* are in spreading malicious gossips
we paid their leaders and sent them all out
wow! did they do a good job or what. it went down a treat
the punters swallowed every word, every defamation stuck like glue
even his mother would find it hard to love him
hahaha...think he could stand up to us

after all that malarkey and mud throwing
we now have to stalk and hound the ****** and make him loose his mind
Now listen here, you just can't go to the stupid punters
and say, hound that man, they ain't that stupid
so you give em a good story, nice fake news in juicy wrapper
you create a false scenario, nice word eh, got that from the TV
anyways, you sell the dopes some fake scenario
then tell them you are controlling the mud splatter royal star
tell the dopes anytime they see him they must do this or that
you get the demoralising mob trolls to write dirges and *******
till the day is long, tell them they are putting doubts in his mind
planting seeds to haze, hanker and give the ****** grieve
cause they are confusing him, as well as invalidating the c--t

You see bozos, what we are doing is relentlessly mobbing him
getting at him, snipping and chipping away, wearing him down
make him feel the whole world is against him
leave him isolated, friendless, hounded and helpless
we must make him **** himself for he is a non-criminal grass
and that's how we sort those goodie two shoes out
we poison their world till they poison themselves
we use the punters to drive him insane

Ah, clever or what, who says crooks and villains aren't clever
we are manipulating the stupid masses and they are eating outta our hands
we make them believe false scenario, get the numpties to do silliness
watch how they go for it, all convinced they are doing solidarity
listen my son, the only education you need is no ******* university
come learn from us, the people or punters, call em what you will
are as dumb and brainless as jellied eels
You steal their brains and their stupid minds
an tell them you are teaching them how to **** royal mind
they can't wait to cast 'doubts' on fuckall nothing doing

We know the game, we know the punters
that poor patsy hasn't got a chance
I tell you what though
this contract is the hardest we've ever done
we've put this ****** through the mill for yonks
given the whole nine yards and more to push him over the edge
Yet, the ******* still stands, laugh and even talk back
******* heck, this man must be an alien.......