I wiped em' off,
still they keep flowin'.
My white pillow is almost soakin',
need a remedy to this pain.

Don't know why but crying feels good.
Letting your anger out.
Shedding off your ego,
Introspecting,
I guess these tears are the holly water,
Which is gonna purify my soul.

I lost a friend...
and it hurts so much
I lost a friend
I wake up each morning in tears

The thought that what once was
is no more is unimaginable.
We were suppose to make it
to the top.
We were suppose to achieve our
dreams.

I lost a friend...
who I've known for
years.

I lost a friend
who became so much more.

All my memories of him are pleasant.
The only thing I frown at is me when
I would act like a brat but he knew how to
combat that.

Met him in high school but
this summer it felt like
I met someone new.

All day messaging
all night talking
even some early morning
introspecting.

Hard to believe that months later
you are no longer here with me.

I write these words with full
tears in my eyes. I can't see the page
I'm looking towards the sky literally
asking God why.

I'm heart-broken.

If these fingers touched ink,
let what flows be
untainted and true;
unsmeared and sure.

If these hands mould clay,
let what is made be sturdy.
Be uncracked,
unblemished
and smooth like porcelain.

If this body pivots upon legs,
let it stand upright and tall.
So no wind could fell it down.
But should it topple,
let no earth will it shatter.

If this mind invites another,
let no thought nor idea
adulterate its own...
For its ways may wind
and meander,
but it is obstinate.

If this heart still beats,
no matter how faint...
Let its rhythm be steady
and unrelenting.
So it might echo
through long days
and moonless nights
to find others like it.

Then,
I may not feel so alone.

I stand in the middle of the road,
Gazing past the path I have traveled,
The path that's yet to be measured.
Wondering how I have changed from a kid to a teenager and then to an adult.
Introspecting my progress,
thrilled for new ways to discover.

I stand in the middle somewhere.
Afraid, excited and hopeful.

Vertical, horizontal,
Pen that escapes my mind,
Bring back bones that I meant to burn,
Bring back the energy that kept me alive,
Where will they go from me.

Alternative thoughts mold into a voice,
Chasms call for a parents help,
When all they ever do is deny,
Their kid needs to be perfect and perfect they'll be,
If the time changes and your brain shifts them slowly.

If purpose if all I look for is my mind really trying to find it?
It's hard to think that when the water is black when it's supposed to be blue,
I promised that I'd be happier, that I'd live for them,
But I can't when I'm trying to figure myself and my own voice out,
Easy to call me selfish cause It's all you can really see,
Then take a look into my poison cups and see,
What I've been introspecting and inspecting inside of my head.

Alternative thoughts mold into a voice,
Chasms call for a parents help,
When all they ever do is deny,
Their kid needs to be perfect and perfect they'll be,
If the time changes and your brain shifts them slowly.

My mind is foggy
From my depression.
Something I've been diagnosed with.
Something I only notice
When it gets really bad.

I say things.
Things about myself
That if anyone else said them,
I'd be beyond hurt.

But the fog
Makes it okay.

Because the fog twists things,
And words,
And actions,
And expressions.

And my past makes me paranoid.

Like when you're being extra quiet,
And extra thoughtful,
Introspecting,
If you will.
When you use responses like "I will be."
To my question of "Are you okay?"

It rubs me the wrong way.
I can't take things
At face-value.

Everything is deeper.

The fog makes the distance between us
Seem much bigger than it probably is.

But to me,
It goes on for miles.

It don't
mean
nothin'

until we make it up,
lean in to me, we think
we have ra tov wisdom
understanding with science,

we can hold this thought,
we can think this thing
though we see ghosts
roughly speaking gh aha silent
though through ghost thoughts

ghuking unholy common thoughts,
be spoken letters letting us just think,
ritually, just right,
the spin and the coherency, being
on point, this point, perceptual me
happening
in ever after you before me were in
ever after ever before at this point,
right
here, prior to the ritual pending,
the core correction essential for me,
loosing as
some part of me wishes to be ready
to be read and held as true, self evident,
pre-
sent from beauty and truth, to prove us both
here
body and soul, all the people think they know,
but, really,
the word of life, in truth, divides soul from spirit,
the form
between us tonight, the distance sensed
the thought let live in lines I find tying me in one
mind
both hands in flux… dancing letters, keys to this
letting
next experience inside, to know my measure, mete
for me, she who balances he who wished to pray,
letters let us take
and receive, in truth, our daily bread, and essential
other formal additions to daily bread alone, water,
with fire
power, rain and lightning, and ozone smell, or
"petrichor," ichor of stones, groundust wetted
with
gigantic drops, drumming on a tin roof.
-------------------
Look, man, this is what I do. Two hand writing machine
interface taking my worth to the scale
we need for trade,
my best, my easy peacock cry
for help, look
into my  eyes,
see we no longer wished
for what we have, so we have it.

Yes, for now.
the time gone riverwise, flows past
into tomorrow, when I go
to the rest and relaxing place
introspecting expecting lost knacks patience

perfect. just in time, not for ever.

When I am in pain
I have discovered
calmly introspecting
gains me self-awareness of my pain,
and helps me achieve acceptance
of how the pain is happening;
and then calmly expressing my pain
in words
enables further self-awareness of my pain,
diminishes the psychological-energy of the pain,
and helps me endure the pain
calmly.
Is it the same way for you?

I awoke to a morning of such brief beauties,
How strange these new realities are,
I'm somewhat scared but would like to claim the euphoria,
On a daily basis I'm now leaving my own mind ajar.

It's a risk and I have been delving deeper by the day,
I never knew my own consciousness could be so foreign,
I've been introspecting since my youth but found new territory today,
There is a prospect that is positive or perhaps it is peril, when you cross the mind's old imperious margin.

I was born in the rain
Asking will life relive its pain
Came to me in a dream
Seems to me since I was born to scream.

On and off and on again
Seems to me I'm preparing to drown in pain
But after recognizing my old folks
I appears to be unreal.

I don't remember much
After all I couldn't say much
But I remember landing my first punch
How with elation I heard his cheekbones crunch.

My childhood wasn't easy
Nor was it crazy
It was spent introspecting
While being mistaken for staring helplessly.

Finally, now I'm a grown up
Puberty happened instantly
'Cause I was inside me
And I could never get out.

That was until I met my first girl
She could send the boys' hearts in a swirl
Any misogyny
And she would send them back in egotistic whirling fury.

We finally grew old together
Life did relive its pain a lot faster
But at least she didn't die in vain.
Now that's a sad story.

Is a ‘reaction’
an initial impulse to act
after an experience?
Do reactions
get us into trouble
when we act out the impulse
without first self-introspecting,
becoming aware of emotions and thoughts,
self-evaluating emotions and thoughts,
and self-correcting emotions and thoughts?
For example:

A toddler cries
then her mother slaps her hard
then regrets the slap
when her toddler cries more miserably.

A youth insults a man at a bar
then the man punches the youth hard
knocking him to the floor unconscious
struggling to breathe,
then the man regrets the punch
and regrets getting arrested even more.

I can't hide this much longer,
Can't hold back a lie of a hobby,
I deny something more than that,
When a song inspires me to survive,
I know I must continue to make that song,
Whether I die making it,
Or I show the world what I'm introspecting about.

I hope she won't put me down,
I hope she won't stay silent,
But I don't know what she could say,
I hope she does her best to tell me that I can do it.
But that's the biggest question that hangs in the air,
Can I do it?

Sing into, my heart feels full and I've done something,
All I can do is give myself this,
At this point things are dropping so fast,
I can't tell whether or not I'll be gone,
Without the lyrics moving my mouth into song,
I know I can't continue on.

I hope she won't put me down,
I hope she won't stay silent,
But I don't know what she could say,
I hope she does her best to tell me that I can do it.
But that's the biggest question that hangs in the air,
Can I do it?

it never fails to blow my mind, how two years can change you
it's inevitable, i have come to find, but that doesn't mean that you grew
sometimes change is a negative thing
pushing you backwards, negating progress made
oftentimes even unearthing
aspects of yourself better left decayed
outweighed by the better qualities possessed

in two years, i have become someone of whom i cannot be proud
no matter how desperately i wish to look in the mirror and view myself without self-loathing
circumstances surrounding me and my own brain chemistry result in my being unallowed
to see myself without thinking in terms that are scathing
so i hang a shroud over the mirrors in my house that's not a home
let smoke do the rest of the disguising
and wander through the interior of my mind, a veritable catacomb
looking inward, introspecting, and overall despising
myself on every level for being who and where I am

and somehow the hardest part is recognizing
that i have no one but myself to blame for feeling no one understands
because my demons, they make letting people in agonizing
by constantly reminding me of how well that went for me last time
but if i don't try again and extend that trust
how will i ever know anything but this endless alienation
and i run the risk of letting my emotions rust

so i'll try to lower my walls for you and hope that i don't wind up regretting
this emotional oration
and hopefully the good will wind up offsetting
any consequences of the negative variety
and you won't consider my openness and impropriety
though i know you won't, because you're an expert at expressing
how it is you're feeling and whatever you're thinking
- even if you're not through processing
and i envy
that
about you

The world is filled with monsters, men, martyrs,
and everything in-between.
Each occupies a space on the chess board
knowing not what it means.

Each piece holds happily ever after.
Each piece holds a love-filled soul with a grin.
Each piece holds skeletons in their rafters.
Each piece holds an unforgivable sin.

We spend our life idly introspecting.
We cast our net in search of love's warm hand.
We burn bridges, and march on towards Spring.
We search far and wide for peace within the sand.