It's nights like these
that make me wish my hands were bigger.
These life-lines aren't long enough
to recite all these lines of life
that'll be running through my mind
even after time stops.
There aren't enough trees to cut down
for all the pages I need to pen these
soliloquies and sonnets.
No, I didn't ride in
on Haley's Comet
but the plan is to still go out in a blaze of glory.
And why do my friends
seem to only hear "Blaze" in that?
Hallucinogenics and Narcotics
Psychedelics and Hydroponics
These are our four fathers.
Oh but by all means
"Try the tonic"
Watch the ***** infect your seeds'
Pipe dreams!!
And so they gleam
sipping moonshine
And whisper shadows of yesterday
Onto memories of tomorrow
While you try and find the rhyme.

along the well travelled road by the side of hwy 92
in Alabama , I took the long way getting here,
most mysterious days I spent on hallucinogenics
back in Michigan a long ways from here
many years ago spent liquor fueled nights
with all the Tourist girls in Ft. Walton Beach,
Andalusia is where I thought I had
settled down, with wife and kids.
gave Denver a whirl back in the
Disco days,
Then I found Clayhatchee, sort of a resting place,
for my Endorphin lacking mind to rest. Found there,
I did, a sort of calm, no shortages of drama.
Everyone knowing you, talking , I heard so much
of every other person living here, all their ***** laundry,
how could I not fit in?
As soon as I unpacked I was involved with everyone's ex,
at least in the rumors, had all the old hardlegs jealous.
Hell, I may move again, to New Mexico. Or just stay here,
and call them all loco as I dial my phone, for some
more endorphins.

Listen to the motion of the waves
and be not afraid
of the oncoming torrent.
We’ll just grow larger lungs,
our fingers and toes will web,
we will develop a vernacular
of the likeness of whales, dolphins
and other mammals of the sea.

But do not worry, when the torrent does come,
we may be far away.
For now let us partake in hallucinogenics
in the tall forest at night,
and take long exposures of the stars
with our cameras,
and then after take long exposure of each other
with our eyes
and we will see movement.
We will see the frozen waves of the campfire
And our eyes will burn,
And it will make us feel alive
to be next to each other.

And we will travel together to that Great City
of monuments and people and concrete
where people wear their bones on the outside
Wearing rags or the highest end fashion
(lately the two are one in the same)
We can travel the city for miles on foot
eating at the strangest of places
and being able to feel art;
feel the art of the city of the movement
you will find it only aesthetically different from
the Ocean or Forest
it is one, part of this place.
and it is our place,
even if you have not
found it.

How do you make sense of these waves of consciousness holding both madness and clarity?
Somehow my hands were never full but always empty when put up to the lives of others.
A mirror spun around so many times I can't tell you what face I have to offer!
When approaching identity is at the cost of this sound mind so nice and neat.
I didn't mean to cause this Avalanche,
I just didn't feel complete.
So I delve into myself and knocked on the door that said "do not enter" convinced myself a better part of me somehow lived in there.
Never conceiving truly the idea of what laid on the other side,
When the door locked I found a different way inside...
I tore apart at my soul with a new strategy in mind,
With acid and hallucinogenics I felt I could find the beauty inside of me...

"I'm sorry I didn't know.."
When I snuck in the window to see what I was hiding,
My jaw drops and my eyes swell immediately.
I try to turn back but what has been seen has burned it's way back into my memories.
I started to speak the forbidden words aloud,
I held my hands over my mouths trying to keep my big secret from pouring out but my attempts proved futile.
With this compulsive nature I could hardly say I have any control over what I say.
With realizations only seen when I say words out loud,
Because I just don't think inside this stupid head of mine,
No but I feel so deeply and make a home for dread,
Because I'm no wise man,
I'm just a fool whose been there and back again...

All this time I thought I was numb,
doomed to never feel but when the drugs sink in to my soil *** of a head.
The appeal is so drawing and I just want to look at it.
I'm magnificent, I thought as I gazed into my soul.
I deluded myself with delusions to perceive this beautiful garden,
But when I tried tending to the garden myself,
to see if I could somehow make it any more beautiful,
I realized it was only a illusion.
The flowers were never even there..
Horrified I looked down at my hands and asked what could have caused this?
Raising the question what do I have to hide?
I felt there was something deep underneath this soil *** front,
so wretched and putrid!
What was I keeping from myself?
I've always been the honest and outspoken type so what was it?
Come on, What did I have to hide?!
Curiosity drove me to do it but a tab too many forced me into it!
I slipped into myself and down the rabbit hole I went,
"Hay man are you okay?"
"Yeah man I just had a bad trip"
I saw the truest part of my soul and cried on arrival,
The first thought that came to mind I spoke aloud,
"Well this is going to be hard to accept"
I said absolutely emotionless...

To tell you the truth,
My decent into madness was like waiting for a train,
You could see the tracks shaking and knew that it was coming soon.
You take out a photo of your beloved mother,
But The photograph of her you that kept in your chest pocket was no longer yours,
The ground had ate her but on the back of the photograph reads,
"Be back sooner than you think, I love you but Vegas makes me feel more complete"
This was the first lie I ever told myself,
It was a good imitation of her hand writing but only wishful thinking at best,
But what I didn't know was that a simple thought could throw me into madness,
As I deluded the truth and didn't accept what was in front of my face,
A horrific reality had such a cruel embrace!
And I was not ready for the taste of the concrete that paved rock bottom,
So I let go of the string that kept my mind close by.
I was always the artistic and creative type,
My friends all described me as poetic.
So I wanted to stay by their side ya know?
So I started to think in a factual manner even though it was killing me,
and all the lessons I had learned were derived from my past mistakes,
So I went out looking trying to find if I had skipped over any lessons,
But what I didn't realize I blacked out parts of my memory to protect the image of self in mind until I partook into this journey.
I saw myself screaming "when is mother getting back from Vegas, I hate you all and I just want her to come back!"
In my mind Vegas was not heaven but a location,
In my mind I didn't break down crying in front of a funeral,
Not able to accept how cruel and sudden reality could be.
In my mind she didn't sink into the depths of my forgetful memory,
She was still very much alive but away at the same time.
I couldn't bare the thought of decay taking plague on her vessel.
I realized with a mind like mine you have a tendency to scribble out and rewrite without even noticing.
Her death was ten years ago and if I'm being horribly honest.. I don't even remember her at all...

See I lose people inside my dysfunctional head so I grip onto the ones I have left in the present,
But life is ripping us apart so fast as I tear into my soul to keep hold of them.
The memories I treasure they all fade,
Even the memories that **** me are erased.
See nothing was safe inside my head except for me,
I guess I treasured identity and the ground I keep.
For it's like a room that you tidy up compulsively,
Anything unflattering gets thrown away and is never to be seen.
I guess that's why I talk about my accident so much,
When a madman came and struck me with his truck,
I even saved someone's life but let's not talk about that,
He went on and did some horrible and inhuman things and that's all I can say,
I don't speak aloud what I don't want to recall,
And I wait for my mind to come and sweep the walls.
So I can rid of this attachment that connects me to you,
So I can be pure and free from this up bringing!
But I was good and I did the right thing,
I slam my fist into my head at the thought of the stain!
For there is damage done but I don't want to forget what actually happened,
so I pry my minds eye wide open and all I see is pain and torture,
The skew of life,
Tainted and mutilated,
The twisted curve of fate...
Really I can deal with my own heart break but what good was my own happiness if I couldn't truthfully share it with others?
I needed others to be happy in such a selfish way,
So I rejected happiness and let go of the restraints I placed upon myself.


I gazed into my soul long and hard,
I guess I saw the potential in the black coal,
and even thought I could make a diamond,
I began to write a book and told everyone about it,
"A comma madman period"
I had picked out the name before I even began to write it.
I think it was my ****** up way of telling the truth to myself,
That somehow I knew but my conscious mind was overlooking it.
Youth filled experience,
The breath taking fulfillment,
I described it as a coming of age,
But it was more like being sentenced to life when the voices started going off in my head again,
The steal bars or my mind closing in,
And I suddenly in terror I remembered every time they went off before,
Every single memory I tried to erase...

How do you make sense of these waves of consciousness holding both madness and clarity?
I wanted to be wise honestly,
But I was no wise man,
I was a fool who had been there and back again.
If there is at all a lesson that I can pick apart from this madness,
It is to never break in when the door in your mind says "do not enter"
You'll find yourself at a train station separate from reality,
A real cold desolate place as the tracks begin to shake,
And you're shown your entire life in full as the train passes and you look in on the windows.
The silver winds grab you and **** you dry of experience and passion,
Because when you see your life in full  how can you pretend to be excited again?

While My former instructor
Yuan
And I  asked if I could
Play with one of katanas
I then went and licked the blade
Trying not to cute my tounge
Slowly while he watched
He complained
That the sword should be him
I then did the same to him
All over him
But slower and more affectionate
I pleasured him
And loved him.
Soon love poems
Started to come up
When I slept in
When realized Yuan was
With his crime family
I kept writing love poems
And hide them all over the appartment
We were together
Until
I felt the need to go home
Matsumoto promised that we
Would stay in touch
When I got to upper Manhattan
To live with a friend
And mother my children
I took the time to sand him steamy
Love letters.
Which we responded with more steaminess
After a while I wrote back
And never heard from him
Until one of his associates
Wrote back saying that
Oyabun Yuan Matsumoto
Died in peace.
Then I learned that you killed your self
Too much hallucinogenics
I died cherish you as you
Deserved
But instead fell for my karate instructor
Yet again.

Cassandra
Cursed prophetess
The Debbie Downer
of antiquity.

A beautiful anathema
Embracing life
With the gaiety
Of a dirge.

And all her visions
Dire imprecations
That rouse most to anger
And others to label her
A liar and
A madwoman.

Poor pretty
She’s not miserable
She’s a mathematician
A causal cleric
Formulaic
But people don’t need answers
They need hallucinogenics.

It’s much nicer living in a haze
Where nothing is clear
And you don’t know where
Your mess ends
And some one else's mess begins.

No one's responsible
And everyone gets to live
In a big pile of ****
Together
As one positive family
Attracting abundance.

Until the Trojans arrive
And pull the blind folds off
And then she gets to say
- I told you so
But nobody likes
Smugness.
Poor *****
She’s the **** Jagger
Of the Agora
She can’t get no
Satisfaction.

She said I'm looking like a bad man, smooth criminal
She said my spirit doesn't move like it did before
She said that I don't look like me no more, no more
I said I'm just tired
She said: you're just high

Lover come hold me
Heads on the fritz
Gaudy intoxicated feelings comfortably mixed
Lover come hold me, could you forget

Sweating all your sins out
Putting all your thoughts back together
Oh, we just don't blend now
All of my attempts seem to weather
Oh, I make you cringe now
Don't I make you cringe?

Pushing past the limits,
tripping on hallucinogenics,
I just couldn’t open up
I’m always shifting
I crawled back to the life
I said I wouldn’t live in,
Through and through
I’ve come undone

I remember dropping acid,
While lying on my back
On an angel-kissed pebble beach,
On a lost Greek island
At dawn.

Acid isn't always pleasant.
But rarely fatal.


First life intensified.
All of it.
Colours brightened,
Shades multiplied,
Patterns spoke.
The wing, the feather, the claw, the beak,
Precision.

How correct things were,
How decisive evolution was,
How ******* huge our balloon had become.

And yet,
Somehow,
The universe,
All of it,
Fit comfortably inside
My small cathedral head.

Smells recreated whole episodes from my past,
The spaghetti dinner my aunt made me eat.
I threw it up in the backyard minutes later,
Because the noodles looked like worms,
Mashed potatoes and gravy,
Cotton Candy, the music of a carnival
The twenty seven hours of stalled birth as my mother's legs
Were strapped together until a doctor could be found.

I time traveled, memories appeared in 3-D,

Taste was ****** and social,
*** was irrelevant,
Hate impossible,
Death humbled and genuflect

Hallucinogenics.

Is this how we learn to be kind.