No, I don’t have a boyfriend.

I don’t have the desire to see another end;
after exhaustive months of getting to know
a fictionalised persona, fragmented, so

No, I don’t have a boyfriend.

The last one hurt and you didn’t see,
but that doesn’t proclaim the scar less prominent to me,
my feelings numb, I no longer crave the intimacy - detrimental to me.

No, I don’t have a boyfriend.

The last boys touch was for him not for me
and my body still screams cause he won’t let it be
and you’ll never understand as the trauma won’t subside
and my self esteem is diminished by his lies.

No, I don’t have a boyfriend.

I humoured a guy who gave it a try
but all I could feel was nothing inside
and when someone bumps into me sauntering by
the unwanted touch still makes me cry.

No, I don't want a boyfriend.

In a fictionalised world,
And in my recurring dreams,
You became my wife.
You remained in love with me.
I don't have to say I miss you,
Because you never left.
I don't have to feel heartbreak,
Because it never happened.
You never grew to hate me.
But then what good is fiction
When reality is all that we have.

I find myself
Recently
Longing for something that never was

A fictionalised reality of a perfect love
Based on my imperfect past lovers

I guess I just miss having someone
To hold at night
To kiss the whole world away
To walk side by side
and know I'm safe

But I don't think I've ever had that

"SO....THE DAYS HAVE WORN AWAY...HAVE THEY?"

Mrs. Havisham
ran from her dream
and into the arms

of her husband.
she was trembling
like a dying bird

held in the hand
tears falling on it
"Dearest...dearest!"

Mr. Havisham tried to
cajoled her back to
some kind of reality

"Oh, Mr. Havisham sir..!"
she palpitated
"I drempt I was on fire

and my world
was all cobwebs and dust
cobwebs and dust!"

"And, that...
I was never
married

and that I was
but a character in a book
by that Mr. Dickens!"

"Shhhhh...shhhhhh!"
her husband
shushed her

and she slept
in his embrace
as real as real

a ray of sunshine
entered their room
bowing before them

announcing
in a loud morning voice
"Your world........awaits you!"

*

I like fictional characters as they can be even further fictionalised! One can then give them other various possible possibilities and invent other futures...other lives for them and see how they unfurl themselves into whoever you make them be on just a passing whim. I've just wrote another called ROMEO &...MARY.

The title is of course my favourite quote of Miss H from the book but it always reminds me of a SAMUEL BECKETT line.

WAITING FOR THE MAN or UNHAPPY DAYS.