Is he being serious?

I can't tell

Am I being serious?

I'm not sure

feeling on the brink of something

am I dying?

is this what it's like to die?

I had a lot of good words to say

they were going to come out like a sickly ball of ectoplasm

like a desperate clawing scream up from the floor

but now I don't know what they were

everything I consume is somehow related to who I am as a person

I've spent a lifetime

modeling myself after words, images, phrases, sounds

they are like little helpers

but they are not me

"don't be afraid to care"

"what did you see while you were there?"

I am bursting with joy

I want to laugh, dance, be free to love

my love is all ******* right now

it's all I know

the moon & sky so beautiful this strange winter

deadly sunsets and snow

crystalline space and stars

"how does it feeeeel?"

he asks & rolls over drunk, uncaring

I slipped her something mid-conversation

what was it?: a hint, a look, an eye?

I don't even know really

Was I being myself or not?

"the joke is come upon me"

at last, the irony is concrete

hilariously, beautifully tragic

& yet not at all; more like a lighthearted pun

"we all shine on, like the moon & the stars & the sun"

why & how did it become so difficult?

this is the struggle of every man

this is not my father's insanity, nor his father's

sittin on the porch
on a broken chair
wondering what the world
is doing way out there
sittin on a porch
on a broken chair
thinking about how every house
should have a porch
sittin on a porch
right after a shower
thinking about how on a porch
I could pass a lot of hours
sittin on a porch
feelin fresh and clean
wonderin why the world
sometimes has to be so mean
sittin on a porch
and I feeeeel
happy hearted
and
full.
of.
Love.

You come from a pack
of course you didn't choose it
It was the powers that be
They stuck ya here and said:

You're a cigarette girl.

Don't let 'em hold you too long
or else
you'll burn them
But make 'em feeeeel good
So cooool
'til you curl away in a plume of smoke
leaving them
empty,
craving,
sick.

What can you do, you cigarette girl?
At 18, you can be bought
and without a thought
be snuffed out on the pavement
Because who would put you in your rightful place?

Cigarette girl of rising cost & little value
Can you tell me how you get by?
Bringing people closer to the day they die
Turing fire into acrid clouds
Clinging to city walks and lost crowds
They need you & they hate you
You're poison, one to blame
and you're still stuck living,
grasping for the flame

But hey, cigarette girl
so broken & so small
Maybe you don't mean it
but you might **** them
all.

yo since i had no choice but to rep **** life
drugs n alcohol became my wife 
though im stressed
 through the curses of ham
 its the summer of sam and still i slam
 my adversaries get the gasoline soak em along with kerosene
light em up and watch em go in flames ******* know my name
 since i escape the reign
 no longer got dibs on me
 im livin' carefree 
but still feel consolidated to satans invisible penitentiary
 so.many brothers like me
 wanna speak free
 but all they see is the cemetery
**** it i shot the sheriff and the deputy 
feelin' that ***** Marley talkin' to me
 Through **** and hennessey
 aint no more fear 
mama still lookin' for me but i aint here
my heart left long ago I feel no sorrow 
and if i die dont cry for me tomorrow
 just know
i stayed true to the game
 i dont care about how long my reign will last? im.a blast from.the past 
born in the wrong century
yo i know ya feeeeel me
 and all my real ******
doing yo thang 
how about we load up slugs in the popo brains im.insane 
product of Jesus that ***** died at thirty three 
now how many niggus died before thirty three
 defamin' our savior name
 he was black as can be 
skin made a bronze eyes of blazin' fire 
look how they treated our messiah
 they didnt give ****
fools sellin' out for paper bucks
 only for the devil to exchange ya soul quid pro quo all i know
is imma be real.with mine and if they cross that line 
ill.put em.on the flat line and if i die in the line
of fire ill be reincarnated as a ak 47 round pound for pound
 puttin' these snitches n ******* in the ground 
Who wanna scrap?
 bunch of city politicians talkin' crap 
and just know if they watchin' me they watchin' you??? 
and if they come for me just know they coming for you 
Since im a lost son of a prophet 
hard to knock it if it wasnt true the media wouldnt use us for profits
 house nigguhs givin' up ***
with no hesitation
 **** that ill **** the ***** of the plantation 
divide n conquer is oldest trick in the book
 know who's the ******' crook?
watch out for these jealous *** bustas 
cuase when it comes to snaps
 theyll make hell for a hustlaaaaa

"scene 30 000, take 1"
"AND ACTION"

I imagined us dancing in the Park
right near
while I was looking outside the window
we called each other "dear"
I spun you around
your hand in mine
it was everything but fine
it was magic
not tragic
it was wonderful
not dreadful

your dress healed wounds
as it was spinning around
your eyes shone with youth
so happy I found

save
space

the moon passing by
the stars in the sky

we danced and danced
continuing on

"CUT"

"scene 30 001, take 1"
"AND ACTION"

passing the crosswalk
all in the dark

a car came

I screamed out your name

blood floods
a puddle of shame

death
I checked your breath

we didn't hear the car...

...but I did
silently
watching

eyes looking down
my brain with regret
for all what I said

"CUT CUT CUT"
"TRY TO LET THEM FEEEEEL THE PAIN"
"scene 30 001, take 2"

"ACTION"

little me stares at me
...she knows I'm spying
out of my window
here
her eyes are sad
she was everything she ever had
the body in her hands
a puddle of blood
saying I'm "no good"

my imagination is cruel
I say
it's warning me from hell
but my brain does not know
I want everything I tell

my brain continues on
"let's move on!"
"you don't even like dancing"
"stop crying
before it's called dying"

"CUT"
*sigh