I've been rewriting our history
on the ripped pages of my notebook
with the cheap ink in my pen.

I've long forgotten
how we ended
I've long forgotten
all your goodbyes
or how you stopped saying goodnight
replacing them with farewells
how you barely even whispered
how your hand let go of mine
how your smile disappeared
in the back of my mind
stuck in my memories
imprinted in my brain.

Don't worry, Love
I've long forgotten these things
Don't worry about my pain
I've replaced this event
with the tip of my pen

Don't worry, Love
I've forgotten all the details
and only remember the story I've created
I've replaced this memory
with such an impossible fantasy
in this story you held on
in this story you kept your smile
in this story you hugged me tight
we had that drumroll before the happy end

Instead of walking away
you ran after me
Instead of goodbye
you said goodnight
Because, Love,
goodnight will always be different
from goodbye

*a. gale

ta-da!!!
the sun
has risen,
again

and so it
begins,
this days
descent
into night

i must
raise my
heavy head
and join
the
racing
rodents

i get
my joggers
on with out
alacrity
as i know,
from the
get go
i am only
going
to get a
participation
ribbon
today

another
to add
to the pile
ta-f#cking-da!!!
not a happy
camper, me.
¤¤¤¤¤

~

Hand over heart

Hold on.
Please hold on,
Don't Fall in Love.
You know how it’ll sound.
Love is a strong midnight coffee
that will make your heart palpitate.
A booming sound of drumroll beating
causes sleepless nights over thinking.
Elusive Dream of Love's awakening.
.
Now
Hold onto your heart
And Listen,
.
Listen to the whisper of aloneness.
Remember, it’s your favorite music.
A velvet blanket covering your body
under the unfathomable calm night.
Silence, isn’t it heaven to you?
Now, let it be that way,
Don't Fall in Love.
Please hold on,
Hold on.

Hand over heart

~
ELUSIVE DREAM OF LOVE

The air feels like rain again
I can almost taste it – damp and crisp
It’s something so familiar
And I can’t shake off this déjà vu

The sky is darker than his past
Which only seems ironic now
He kept his secrets buried so deep
But they’re about to come crashing down

He told me once that I was beautiful
And I wonder now if it was ever true
A smoke screen to hide behind
A wrong turning on a carefully laid road

I can hear a distinct rumble in my distance
Almost a drumroll for his inevitability
My deep breath teeters on the edge
Of my own hesitation

I am aware of the sound of my own breathing
Though he stands almost eerily silent
Entirely composed and arrogantly at ease
With the vastness of all his indiscretion

I’m unsure exactly how I knew
But when the heavens finally let go
I feel a certain comfort or even some relief
Knowing I now have nothing left to fear

And when the rain starts falling all around us
I am inexplicably warm and dry
While he is bathed in the fallout of every mistake he ever made
I can only smile, content with the opportunity of another day.

The sky cried again today, it was sad and angry.
I wonder, if it was supposed to flood the earth and **** all living.
I wonder, if the raindrops are really tears of those, who cried today.
I wonder, how many must have cried today, to make the grass smell like it showered.
I wonder, if lightning is a photoshoot of the world, before it’s drowning.
I wonder, who is going to look at the pictures taken today.
I wonder, if thunder is the drumroll before the surprise.
I wonder, if everyone feels the beat in their veins.
I wonder, if the raindrops are afraid of landing on the leaves of the high trees.
I wonder, if the trees ever look down at us and think of all the better ways they could rule this world.
I wonder, if they ever scream at us, to stop ruining their earth.
I wonder, why we take this world for granted and call it ours.
I wonder, if we took this world from a better cause, to make the sky cry.
I wonder if I am the only one to see this broken world in the rain and,
I wonder, if I am the only one to hear the endless screams of pain, to see the tears of so many, covered up by an act of nature.
I wonder, if humanity has survived longer than it should have.
I wonder…

floating backward
on my back down a muddy river
at a cloud's pace banked by willows & sweet clover
with long branches of oaks stretching across to meet
hot sunshine burning spots on my face forearms & stomach
an invisible hand forcing my eyes to stay closed
& projecting dancing pinwheels of
curled peacock fire on my thin eyelids
i can hear the echo voices of everyone on
shore whirling in the soft wet part of my brain
so awfully warbled by the water in my ears as
i lay there with top water debris spurting playfully
from my lips with a pinched smile
carved between my cheeks
thinking what a shame it'd be to drown
no longer caressed by willow branches trailing
across the surface

to sink down
under a blue sky during a cloud race
into a quiet place where words no longer mean anything
& all i can hear anyway is the profound hiss
of a dying airbubble slipping away from my nose
open my eyes to look i can see it escape
& explode ascending into sunlight
refracting just eight feet away
how wonderful it is to drift down into
the soft silk blanket of dark water
with all the pain & piano music in the world
trapped in my pounding heart
as my friends dive bomb to save me
the drumroll kicks in with the dramamine
& sweet pear wine i had in a pack lunch
to keep away the eager panic hunger
it's accompanied by the soft indie
plink & pluck of violin strings &
someone in suspenders blowing a harmonica
as the nothingness struggles to enfold me
crawling over the shiny pores of my face
while my friends peel back
at it in layers
by re-breathing
their whiskey into my lungs
beating my chest
with their closed fists
& blowing my nose into a t-shirt in the sand

We don't pause for stars anymore
not that they're less amazing,
no, it's just knowing they'll be back.

But do you ever hold something so tight
because you know you'll miss them soon?
You learn that all you can do is be in that memory
before trying not to forget everything about it.
We learn the hard way that what makes a moment precious
is that it's always fleeting from our fingertips,
being chased by the next thing that's going to happen.
It is always only somebody's turn to smile,
before it is somebody else's.
One day Ted knew Victoria's soul—what makes her cry,
the drumroll before the kiss
and what she thinks about cats,
all before they become nothing but a part of each other's past;
two people who only shared the same good memory before.