there's a lot to say here
i don't want to write about you anymore
i have been trying to force myself to forget about you
but there are too many seconds in a day and a quarter of that is accidentally dedicated to wondering what it would've been like if we never dated
the other quarter is spent wondering how I got through my days before letting you past the wall I never let anyone through
the rest, surprisingly isn't spent on you. it's spent on things I've worked hard reaching for.
im not going to sit here and blame myself the whole time, and not you either. it was a mutual effort, you know? two very busy, emotionally unavailable, hot headed misery-ridden people trying to get in a relationship was a very silly idea of ours.
I know you and I were meant to be in some stupid way. I wish I didn't believe that. As we always said, timing was everything. We just never got it right.
Yes. I am crazy. I am crazy due to my past. I am crazy out of fear. There is physically nothing I can do to snap out of it. You knew this. I also know that you are afraid of any change, and any commitment scares you. I would apologize for how I am, but that's why you fell in love with me in the first place amongst a few other key factors.
I fell in love with the way your eyes glistened green in the sun and when it was dark out, it was brown. There was never a real in between. I fell in love with your doofy *** smile. I fell in love with the person you faked to be for one and a half months and you turned into a selfish human being shortly there after. I fell in love with your touch and how you would pull me closer to you when we'd be sleeping.
I've known you since the beginning of spring. I still remember the day we locked eyes and the butterflies there after we're crazy. Just hearing your name at the time made me smile. I couldn't tell you why. "Why are you always smiling at me?!" Youd ask. F, I couldn't ever tell you. There was something about you that I wanted. Your heart was mine for a short amount of time.
I remember the day I got mad at you because you were mean to me again and you refused to let me leave at all and kept apologizing and reassuring me that everything was okay. You pulled me as close to you as possible and told me you loved me. I don't remember the last time you did that, babe.
It's all gone now. I want to say, "until next time," but I think that ship sailed. I wish I could say that it was great until the end, but I have never felt worse being in a relationship or partnership that felt like it was consistently hanging on an emotional thread every single day. Like I said, I wasn't forever. I wanted to be. That would've been nice. But I had to go. I had to run. I couldn't continue waking up every day wondering what today will bring me. It's time for me to love myself. I deserve the happiness. And so do you. I know you'll find it. And I know you will read this.
This is my final letter and post about you. Like in that movie I love, eternal sunshine. I am erasing you from my memory. I hope everything works out for you and I hope you find that someone that will satisfy every need I couldn't meet for you.
Goodnight, angel.
-B
For we will pass each other in this life time, but I'll be ****** if I meet you in my next. Goodbye, F.
